How long til I feel better?

[walker1]

I am a 48 year old woman.  For the past 13 years, I've been in love with a woman who I believe has BPD.  She has never been, nor will she ever be, diagnosed or treated.  Instead, she acknowledges she suffers from abandonment issues, yet does nothing to heal.

I left my husband for her 6 years ago. I've shared my children and my relatives with her. They've all embraced her as family, the family she says she's been craving her whole life. We adopted a dog together. She told me she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me, even posted it all over facebook.

Over the course of our relationship, she exhibited extreme episodes of rage. I've even had to call the police. She's broken up with me several times (more than 20), only to come back after I asked her to, every time.

One month ago, after an evening that I thought was great, she hung up on me, accusing me of yelling. I was simply talking over her to get my point across.  She hung up the phone and never called back. That was the last I've heard from her.  She abandoned my children, who thought of her as a step mom.  She abandoned our dog that she claimed to adore. She abandoned me.  Again.

I know it's unhealthy for me and for my children to have her in our lives. The problem is, although there were terrible low points, I can't seem to get over the highs we experienced, and how loved I felt by her when she was in a good place. More loved than I've ever felt by anyone. I miss this terribly and can't seem to move forward.

[Lucky Jim]

Over the course of our relationship, she exhibited extreme episodes of rage. I've even had to call the police. She's broken up with me several times (more than 20), only to come back after I asked her to, every time.

Hey Walker1, Welcome!  I suggest that you focus more on the red flags you list above.   

To someone who was married to a pwBPD for 16 years (me), these are not good signs, though they are quite familiar.     In my view, you have been the prisoner of a disordered person -- 20 b/u ! -- and now it's time to move on, as hard as that may sound to you right now.  I predict that, at some point, you will be grateful that you ended an unhealthy r/s.

LuckyJim

[Aussie0zborn]

How long 'till you feel better? Hmmm... .When can you start working on yourself? The sooner you focus on what you and your kids need and compare that to what you don't need, you can make a start.

I know it's unhealthy for me and for my children to have her in our lives. The problem is, although there were terrible low points, I can't seem to get over the highs we experienced, and how loved I felt by her when she was in a good place. More loved than I've ever felt by anyone. I miss this terribly and can't seem to move forward.

And this is a big problem for many of us and it was certainly my problem! too. It might be worth considering that she got you to these low points just as she got you to those high points. This was all her doing and from my experience I doubt a pwBPD can give you one without the other. I'm suggesting here that getting you to those high points was by design, a calculated plot and not because of the person she is.

As for plastering everything over her FB page declaring her love for you, I would think it means absolutely nothing. Her friends have seen that before. And every single one of those FB posts has a "delete" button. My ex did the same thing but now her FB profile pic is a photo of her kissing my replacement and she is no doubt declaring him her greatest love ever as she did me.

Facebook declarations to her friends cost nothing and is a way to build your euphoria with just a couple of keystrokes.  pwBPD don't have the same sense that nons do of what it means and how it appears to go from one relationship to another always declaring the new love the greatest ever. Declaring these things on FB doesn't have the same meaning as it would have if you declared it.