Rejection triggers my son' rage and sometimes violence

[Butterflygirl]

I have known for awhile that perceived rejection triggers my son' rage and sometimes violence. But I have always resisted enabling him and when I am not it the mood to talk to him I just tell him I am unavailable. And when I reject his point of view I always end with "let's agree to disagree. Anything to put a band aid on imaginary rejection.

Their is a long list of things that make him feel rejected including a cashier who makes small talk to a customer while K is waiting for his turn. He says he feels ignored. Of course this is all in his head. He is projecting his abandonment wound on to the situation. [He was abandoned in real life, thus the wound.]

Lately I have been faking it and not rejecting him and it works like a charm.

I am not advocating this. I know it is frowned upon. But for those who are tired of the rage and  yet don't want to give up on their children, it is a solution to the problem.

I am not saying I am codependent with my son, I am just saying I try to be more available and careful about what I say. I guess you would say I am "walking on eggshells."

Am I wrong or is it simply up to the parent how they handle the BPD of their children.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Kwamina]

Hi Butterfly Girl

Lately I have been faking it and not rejecting him and it works like a charm.

I am not advocating this. I know it is frowned upon. But for those who are tired of the rage and  yet don't want to give up on their children, it is a solution to the problem.

I am not saying I am codependent with my son, I am just saying I try to be more available and careful about what I say. I guess you would say I am "walking on eggshells."

Am I wrong or is it simply up to the parent how they handle the BPD of their children.

I think there are various tools and techniques that can lead to beneficial results with a person with BPD.

When you say that you are 'faking it', do you feel like you are validating things with your son which are invalid? Or perhaps more that you are making a greater effort to find something that is valid that you can then validate?

I wish you a Happy New Year too

[Butterflygirl]

I suffer from fatigue. When my son calls the first thing out of my mouth is, "I am not feeling well, I don't want to talk, email me."

He feels rejected and starts screaming. I hang up.

Now I sit up and give him ten minutes even though I do not really enjoy talking with him. He dominates the conversation and could go on for hours. He likes to vent to me because I know  his history. He gets defensive and is full of self-pity.

This is what I mean by "faking it." I listen for awhile before I end the conversation. I do this to other people as well. So my  love avoidance feels like rejection to him.

I was never meant to have children and it shows. He was abandoned and this is now his original wound. I hope this is what I mean in my previous email.

[Kwamina]

When you suffer from fatigue, I think it's understandable that you don't want to engage in long telephone conversations.

I suffer from fatigue. When my son calls the first thing out of my mouth is, "I am not feeling well, I don't want to talk, email me."

He feels rejected and starts screaming. I hang up.

Perhaps there are other things you could try instead of this initial reaction of yours and instead of 'faking it'. We have an article here in which we talk about being mindful of our own possibly unhelpful responses. Even if you have read the article before, I still think it can be insightful going through the material again:

Change your own responses - Ending Cycle of Conflict

When you are not feeling well it's understandable that you don't feel like talking. Perhaps you can use the S.E.T. technique to help you deliver this truth in a way that might be less triggering for your son:

Express yourself - S.E.T.: Support, Empathy, Truth

[tarantula17]

I have fibromyalgia, and when my BPD husband rages, it us like I have no room to be sick and must struggle against both myself and him. It is certainly a challenge and yes, I feel like I am walking around on eggshells. It doesn't help that I am willing to learn and try to help him, but he says he is willing to learn about fibromyalgia yet never takes the time to learn. He often holds my illness against him. I have tried to prepare him for rough times I go through when they are coming on and it seems to help slightly. 

[mcbetsy]

Now I sit up and give him ten minutes even though I do not really enjoy talking with him. He dominates the conversation and could go on for hours. He likes to vent to me because I know  his history. He gets defensive and is full of self-pity.

I wouldn't call this "faking it". I would call it an adjustment in your behavior. You acknowledge that you know that it makes him feel rejected when you want him to email you, so you've taken a different approach, which seems to be working for you... and him. Why do you consider that "faking it"? Please don't be so hard on yourself and not give yourself credit for these observations and changes you are willing to make. SOMEONE in the situation has to be willing and able to make changes. Heaven knows in our situation, it won't be our daughter. So if something different needs to happen, it comes from us.

I'm proud of you for making this change, even if you aren't able to keep it up for any reason. If it makes your existence inside of this bubble easier, then do what it takes to make that possible. This is already so hard and exhausting as it is. Not celebrating our small victories is just not fair to ourselves.

I would consider giving my daughter 10 minutes of my time first thing in the morning a gift. She often texts me or messages me on fb all night long (from midnight to 5am) with scathing abusive messages that are not based in reality and are full of conspiracy and paranoia. And she had a fairly normal childhood in a good home.

You are an amazing person for being able to exist in the midst of this, whether you think you were intended to be a mother or not, you are a mother and you are doing the best you know how at any given moment. That's all any of us can do. Wishing you many moments of joy in your days. We all deserve a bit of that!

[Butterflygirl]

Thank you for the kind words. It is so comforting. SET communication is working and I feel better about myself for doing it. My son called the other day crying and for once I just listened and comforted him at the end. He was watching the movie, "Imitation of Life," which is about the struggle of an interracial women to make peace with her identity. My son has this same problem. He really has no one but me and is physically very ill since losing his gall bladder. I am glad to know I am doing the right thing. It is really working. Thanks again.

P.S. I no longer feel like I am faking it. That was good to jump start the changes, but now I just think I am being a good mother. I know how to avoid going to far and enabling him. I know a lot about codependency.

[lbjnltx]

So good to hear that you have made some changes and feel good about them.

[Kwamina]

Hi again Butterfly Girl

I am glad to hear you are feeling better and more positive about the way you are handling things

It is tough that your son on top of his BPD also has to deal with these serious health issues. That's a lot to deal with for him and indirectly also for you. The SET tool helped you and I am very glad that it did. Finding the right balance can be tricky and requires constant attention and work and that's exactly what you are doing

BPD presents us all with a challenging reality. We all go through ups and downs, yet in spite of this I do want to point out that you have always and are still facing this reality head on. You are not running away from it but are dealing with reality as it is and that says a lot about your character. For all these years you have been there for your son to the best of your abilities. You are doing what you can and are also still looking for ways to improve which to me truly shows a mother's heart and love. As my friend Turkish said on another board: Love is patient, love is kind  

[Butterflygirl]

My son called the other day once again breaking down the boundaries. I just hate talking on the phone with him because he goes on and on. I have asked him to email me. But if he were in a twelve step program he would definitely have to admit, "I am powerless over the compulsion to call my  mother." He feels if he cannot hear my voice he will die. He has told me this. Someone would call it love addiction, which is now called an "attachment disorder."

Anyway, in the past I would try to get off the phone immediately with some excuse or another. He, of course, would start screaming which is his coping skill when he feels rejected which makes him feel abandoned, which makes him frightened of being an orphan.

This is all a repeat of what I have done and said in the past. This time I said "hello" in a friendly way as he apologized for bothering me and then discussed something political that was on his mind. I listened for ten minutes, he could dgo on for hours, and then said, "I think all that is excellent. I love yoyr insights." Notice I did not say "thanks for calling," as that would be construed as an invitation. So he said, "Love you mom," and hung up. I felt better about myself. So this is my 2016 plan. SET communication.

S = Sympathy

E = Empathy

T = Truth

[Kwamina]

I felt better about myself. So this is my 2016 plan. SET communication.

Sounds like a very good plan to me!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Butterflygirl]

It just occurred to me that you might think this success happened easily. It was not a quick fix. I was setting boundaries for years only I was screaming them instead of setting them. I didn't know when to quit being angry and resentful. So now the SET communication is working, but it has a lot to do with timing.