remarriage suffering b/c my BP daughter refuses to acknowledge my husband

[Parents! Get help here!]

My 22-yr-old daughter is a high functioning BP.  I divorced her dad when she was 18 and although he and I have a very amicable relationship, my daughter refuses to accept that I have remarried.  She doesn't know my husband but says she doesn't like him.  She won't tolerate being in the same room with him and bristles when I simply refer to him.  My new husband has tried to be very understanding and has learned about BPD along with me.  Still, he doesn't know her and all he sees of her is the pain she causes me and my younger daughter (who lives with us b/c she can't tolerate her sister). As hard as my husband tries to be understanding, he feels resentful that she has rejected him without giving him any chance.  And he feels somewhat upset and resentful when I spend time with her. He intellectualizes the situation and reminds me about setting limits--which I'm learning to do and overall succeeding at doing. He doesn't understand the heartbreak I feel at losing my beautiful, brilliant daughter to mental illness. I feel ripped in two by the pull each of them exerts on me. I'm so sad that my marriage is being strained so much by my daughter's illness. 

[justmec]

My 22-yr-old daughter is a high functioning BP.  I divorced her dad when she was 18 and although he and I have a very amicable relationship, my daughter refuses to accept that I have remarried.  She doesn't know my husband but says she doesn't like him.  She won't tolerate being in the same room with him and bristles when I simply refer to him.  My new husband has tried to be very understanding and has learned about BPD along with me.  Still, he doesn't know her and all he sees of her is the pain she causes me and my younger daughter (who lives with us b/c she can't tolerate her sister). As hard as my husband tries to be understanding, he feels resentful that she has rejected him without giving him any chance.  And he feels somewhat upset and resentful when I spend time with her. He intellectualizes the situation and reminds me about setting limits--which I'm learning to do and overall succeeding at doing. He doesn't understand the heartbreak I feel at losing my beautiful, brilliant daughter to mental illness. I feel ripped in two by the pull each of them exerts on me. I'm so sad that my marriage is being strained so much by my daughter's illness. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hello justmec and welcome. I'm sorry to hear the pull of the situation is ripping you apart, yes it's good to set your boundaries with your daughter. I had a three year relationship a number of years ago and my daughter did not engage actively, though she was never rude, more like absent - I think she did not trust him and that he would hurt me, that I loved her less and while it was never discussed I think the fear of abandonment played out.  It was before she was diagnosed (she hid her BPD - for a long time). Is your daughter in DBT treatment? It's also important we look after ourselves, have you considered/are you engaged in any, counselling, therapy, wellbeing activities etc? It sounds like your husband would support all efforts you take to help you move forward.

WDx

[tristesse]

Hello justmec, and welcome.

I want to let you know how incredibly sorry I am that you are going through this anguish. I also want to tell you that I understand . My situation is not the same as yours, but I have an adult BPD daughter that lives me, so I can relate.

The one thing you need to understand here, is that you can't fix this, there is no way to make her better, she has to recognize the problem and get help. You can work on you and how to communicate with her etc., but don't take blame or responsibility for her illness and it's affect on anybody.

BPD persons tend to be master manipulators, whether it's intentional or not. They are also quite mean sometimes, because they would rather hurt you, than have you hurt them.

The best thing you can do, is take care of yourself and your marriage. You can use the TOOLS and LESSONS to the right of the board, they are helpful and useful.

We are all here to help and advise, so please keep posting. Provide as much information pertaining to your daughter as you can, and this will better help us to serve your needs.

The most important thing is self care, so please take time to relax and enjoy yourself, leaving all of the drama behind. Take Care.

[justmec]

Thanks so much wendyda and tristesse for your quick replies.  It's exactly right that she feels I have abandoned her in favor of my new relationship.  Before I realized she had BPD, I spent years with her at the center of my life, cushioning her from all of life's challenges because I recognized her fragility but didn't know how to best help her.  Now I know that insisting that she find her own way while still standing by for support is the better way.  But yes, she is incredibly mean and thinks only of her own pain.  My husband and I took the Family Connections workshop and it really helped, as did reading Manning's Loving Someone with BPD, and Kreger's Essential Family Guide to BPD.  My daughter is in therapy with a DBT therapist, and was in a group DBT skills class for a few months, but is now "taking a break" from the group. She doesn't identify herself as having a mental illness. She's a perfectionist, always striving to look perfectly put together, and is extremely bright and ambitious, so identifying herself as ill would be devastating to her.  My husband and I have been in couples counseling since we began dating, even before I realized she had BPD, because I knew things would be rocky.  It has been so incredibly helpful.  I'm trying to balance staying in a relationship with my daughter with living a full and happy new life. I left my marriage because it was an emotional wasteland, and have been lucky enough to find someone who is 100 percent emotionally engaged. I have a standing date to see my daughter once a week--she lives with her dad a mile away--and try to do enjoyable, engaging things with her. But she is always in distress, now because she is seeking a full-time job after graduating from college, and tries to engage me in somehow making it my problem that she hasn't been hired. She has no real friends and yearns desperately for friendship. I see myself as just trying to hold a space open for her and for our relationship while I stand by to see if she benefits from treatment.  I truly understand that I cannot change her or treat her. She expresses hurt and anger when she finds out I've had an outing with my family and my new husband, saying that she should have been invited instead of him because she's family and he's not.  Despite how mean she is, I see how much pain she's in.  And I go in and out of a state of mourning for the loss of the happy, successful grown daughter I envisioned would be my future. I'm so drained sometimes that my husband feels he's not getting enough of me.  It just feels impossibly hard because he's not her father and we're not similarly situated when it comes to her.