Trying to do this the right way

[Depression = 72% of members]

I've been reading a lot and decided to provide a quick intro so that I can start participating rather than just reading.

Here goes:

- Length of relationship: 2+ years
- Noticed traits pretty early on... .about 2 months in.

Girlfriend:
- undiagnosed but has moments of acknowledging there may be something wrong she needs therapy/guidance for. Has previously acknowledged BPD as a possibility. Anger issues for sure. Control issues. No help sought as of now.
- Noticed symptoms/traits: excessive spending, past history of binge eating, push/pull behavior, noticeable abandonment issues, extreme irritability at times over seemingly insignificant issues, rages, black and white thinking, OCD, excessive drinking... .just to name a few.

We recently went through an extremely rough spot I was unsure we would come out of. We did. However, this time around I would like to make sure we do things the right way. She has been very receptive to the idea of starting therapy. The conversation of finding one and beginning therapy has been initiated by her every single time. The excessive drinking is under control as of now. I have agreed to stay sober with her which I think has helped. I've noticed she is a lot more willing to express feelings rather than immediately jump to lashing out/raging.

I've been quite familiar with BPD even before finding this site but I see the support system on here could come in handy. Familiar with it is one thing, familiar with the skill set and tools in order to do things the best way possible is another. I could definitely use some help and guidance there.

Right now I am focusing on learning about validating/invalidating, JADE and SET. I have found in the past 2 weeks that those may be my biggest issues right now that I need to tackle and practice.  Since we overcome the rough patch and got back together, the past 2 weeks is when I've started to notice little things coming up that I find myself realizing mastering these skills would have made the entire process run a lot smoother.

Any advice, guidance, questions are welcome. I'm ready to learn and focus on self care as well as properly caring for this relationship I am unwilling to give up on.

Thanks all.

[IsThisThingOn]

I've been reading a lot and decided to provide a quick intro so that I can start participating rather than just reading.

Here goes:

- Length of relationship: 2+ years
- Noticed traits pretty early on... .about 2 months in.

Girlfriend:
- undiagnosed but has moments of acknowledging there may be something wrong she needs therapy/guidance for. Has previously acknowledged BPD as a possibility. Anger issues for sure. Control issues. No help sought as of now.
- Noticed symptoms/traits: excessive spending, past history of binge eating, push/pull behavior, noticeable abandonment issues, extreme irritability at times over seemingly insignificant issues, rages, black and white thinking, OCD, excessive drinking... .just to name a few.

We recently went through an extremely rough spot I was unsure we would come out of. We did. However, this time around I would like to make sure we do things the right way. She has been very receptive to the idea of starting therapy. The conversation of finding one and beginning therapy has been initiated by her every single time. The excessive drinking is under control as of now. I have agreed to stay sober with her which I think has helped. I've noticed she is a lot more willing to express feelings rather than immediately jump to lashing out/raging.

I've been quite familiar with BPD even before finding this site but I see the support system on here could come in handy. Familiar with it is one thing, familiar with the skill set and tools in order to do things the best way possible is another. I could definitely use some help and guidance there.

Right now I am focusing on learning about validating/invalidating, JADE and SET. I have found in the past 2 weeks that those may be my biggest issues right now that I need to tackle and practice.  Since we overcome the rough patch and got back together, the past 2 weeks is when I've started to notice little things coming up that I find myself realizing mastering these skills would have made the entire process run a lot smoother.

Any advice, guidance, questions are welcome. I'm ready to learn and focus on self care as well as properly caring for this relationship I am unwilling to give up on.

Thanks all.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

Welcome IsThisThingOn



It sounds like you are on the right path to figuring things out. You are learning all the right communication skills, willing to do the work, etc. Overtime I believe you will begin to really see major changes in how things go.

I would say my biggest advice would be to not get too discouraged when the skills don't work. Our pwBPD shift rapidly and sometimes we fall back into old patterns of not validating well, JADEing, and not being empathetic. We have been building up these defense mechanisms for years and they will change overnight.

Keep posting. Looking forward to reading more about your successes and to help you through the difficult parts.

[IsThisThingOn]

Hi Tattered Heart,

Thank you for the welcome!

Your advice is much appreciated. Especially as right now I am feeling quite discouraged. Yesterday as well as this morning have proven to be really difficult. I've noticed for the last couple days that she seemed to be dysregulating but yesterday everything really hit the fan.

I have been standing firm on the main boundary I have set of us not moving back in together until further down the road after progress has been made. I've made it clear I don't feel comfortable taking that step right now since a lot of trust was broken during the whole ordeal we went through. I also dont think it's a smart idea to jump right back into things at 100mph. It didnt work in the past so why make the same mistake, right?  It's only been a month and a half since we've been back together. She started the "lets move back in together" talk pretty early on and I have stuck firm with my boundary of not.

Well, yesterday it seems this really bothered her. She texted me when she woke up, I was at work, and from the very first few texts I could tell something was wrong. It went from being upset about an innocent picture I posted (this turned out to be a temporary shroud over the actual issue) to the fact that I dont live with her. I dont know how well I did with validating/invalidating. I definitely dont think I did so hot with SET.

In the end she spewed some pretty unnecessary comments and basically cancelled our entire weekend we had planned because "I should stay 'home' where its obvious I would rather be" and warned me not to "dare text her at all for the rest of the night" ... .I wasnt even sure how to respond other than to say okay and tell her I hope she has a nice night


Sigh...   this is hard.

[Tattered Heart]

It is hard. 

I can understand why she would feel hurt about you moving back in, but at the same time, sticking to your boundaries is important. She could be having an extinction burst. She could be genuinely hurt by it. You just have to continue doing what you need to do for you to take care of yourself.

[IsThisThingOn]

I too can see why it would be hurtful. When we first got back together it was something we both agreed on and then, if Im going to be realistic, I spend the night 3-4 times a week so we practically do live together. That may be where I went wrong. I have this boundary of "No, I will not move back in." but then I spend the night whenever she is not at work.  Being honest with myself: a part of me is avoiding the potential backlash of me saying I'm NOT going to spend the night.

Extinction burst? Can you elaborate on that a little bit?