Hi plynn41,
I'm not opposed to alcohol, but I avoid it because I'm afraid I could become addicted if I chose it to medicate.
I would recommend a whiskey or two in a quiet safe place AFTER you got your handle on boundaries and validation. Because in order to handle extreme behavior and emotions you have to have all your sense together. Alcohol as self medication in face of abuse is as you indicated is a bad idea.
As Love Is Not Enough indicated at one point in time you got to say NO (actually you don't have to say it, saying in some cases will make the situation worse but acting to protect yourself is what matters).
Her vision of a "healthy" marriage is for us to be joined at the hips day in and day out, but some days I desperately need to get away from her just for awhile. Of course, there's no way to tell her this without a major melt-down.
Yeah and exactly the realization of this vision disables her emotional regulation and drives the fighting. There is no point in telling her but that need to change over time. Going to take some.
Boundaries will be a critical topic for you. Right now I suggest you spend time on learning and practicing validation. Knowing and consciously handling the emotional volatile extremes heading our way reduces their impact. It also helps us to reduce our own invalidations. This will be important also to manage the upsets during the boundary introduction phase.
Personally I started reading books again. I found longer coherent stories calming. Considering her hip thinking it may be worth considering walks (and leave the cell at home).