What's the trigger for the devaluation?

[KarmasReal]

Hey guys,

I've been thinking about my break ups with my ex, especially since we just had the nastiest break up yet two days ago. I was thinking about how we always broke up. Besides the first time which was cordial although over the phone the rest were cruel, heartless, and devoid of feeling or emotion. I mean she was like my worst enemy at the flip of a switch like she hated me and had to hurt me like no other. And what's worse is, I had done nothing to cause any of these cruel discards.

Just a little background on what I mean. The first (although really second) break was last December, she was acting like a drunk psycho and just didn't seem to care about our relationship so I gave the ultimatum of her changing or break up, she easily said break up, then we went back and forth for two months sometimes sleeping together sometimes her saying breaking up wasn't a big deal who cares like she could care less about me. We ended up getting back together and were okay until a few months later. At this time it had been about two weeks or so of her being an outright uncaring b___ to me, I got the flu and she let me lay there and wait 3 hours on medicine she was suppose to pick up for me, then complained that I mad her bed smell like sickness. Then a couple weeks later the night of my birthday she decides she would rather go see her friend and drink in another city then do anything with me, she became a blank vicious, cruel thing like I had only seen during the previous break up only worse. She said hurtful things like I was a drama queen, she would rather spend her birthday with her friends than me, etc. I said we should break up because of this she didn't even bat an eye just got ready took my keys back and drove off. If that wasn't bad enough we got back together again, everything was all good for the first 4 months or so then, it started happening again. She pulled away, wasn't touchy feely, sweet, didn't want to have sex much. Two weeks of that then I catch her messaging a guy who she had previously hooked up with when we were broken up, a guy with a girlfriend, who also works with her and is kinda her boss. I call her out on it. She somehow tries defending it instead of an apology, trying to make things right, didn't think a thing about it. She just went cold and cruel again. This also happened after two months of me driving her around because her car died, taking her to work, losing sleep, my own work time, time with my friends, her life would have been screwed if I hadn't been there. So I had legitimately done nothing wrong, I went above and beyond to keep things good with us. And she defends her messaging, defends hooking up with him, says her family hates me, then proceeds to detail hookingn up with at least 5 people while we were broken up, and I mean DETAIL, and this was the most slutiest stuff you could think of. And I don't even know why she did it, I didn't ask, she just seemed intent on hurting me and proving to me what a slutty person she actually was, she had a look of satisfaction while she set there and hurt me like no other person had. Of course after that we broke up again, she of course, doesn't bat an eye again. If I hadn't been through this so much and been numb to it mostly, it would have destroyed me.

So after all that, what the hell led to these? Just the day before one of these we had a great day, sex, drinks, going to movies, just before this last one, I had been there for her with her car, two days earlier she's texting me 40 times in 15 minutes all lovey and fun like then BOOM, switch flipped she could care less about me, I'm less important then a bug to be stepped on. What the heck can cause someone to go from one drastic to the other like that? Was all the love just an act? She's quite an adept manipulater and liar, took me two years to figure that out. Anyways any thoughts on the subject?

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi Karma-

So after all that, what the hell led to these?

Mental illness. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation and affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood are two official traits of the disorder, which is triggered by intimacy, and the core of it are continual opposing fears of abandonment and engulfment.  The trigger could have been something you did or said, or something she just thought, a focus that sent her off in a different direction.  It could also have been something she was ashamed about, BPD is a shame-based disorder, and that didn't feel good, so off it all on you to feel better.  Point is there's nothing you could have done or not done to change it, the disorder is the disorder.

Was all the love just an act?

No, the love was real for her, when it was, until it wasn't, due to the unstable nature of the disorder.  A good question at this point is how did you react?  What did you do?  A healthy way to deal with relationship upsets is to sit down and have a heart to heart conversation with mutual vulnerability, trust and respect, and if that didn't happen to each partner's satisfaction, then whether or not the relationship would continue would become the main issue.  i hung around longer than I should have, many of us did, and as we detach, grow and heal, it's very helpful to look at what we put up with, and what we told ourselves to make it OK to stay when things clearly were not OK; any ideas Karma?

[FallBack!Monster]

@KarmasReal,
  I'm sure it sounds like a cliche but it's not her it's the disorder, according to what ive been learning. It's not a reflection of a weakness of yours. It's a reflection of a person thato will ever be able to change.  She says it to hurt the relationship not you. It's the old push and pull routine. The manner in which she treats people that care about her, sad to say, is the way she feels about her self. Which means she aware of your value and that she doesn't deserve you.  Knows people deserve better, so she finds an avenue to show you what actual challenges you face if you remain loyal to her. The only lies my ex told is when she was making herself sound innocent. When she spoke about hooking up with several people, either she had done it to me or someone else or we in the works. But those where the only truths she ever told. You decide. My ex is not your gf but just saying.
To my understanding, another reason for telling on themselves, yes to hurt you but also to test you. Expects you to abandon her,cso why not torture you before you vanish; like everybody else (according to her).
I went through something similar with my ex but so has everyone on here. Only I didn't call our sexual encounters (after the first break up) a recycle. I recognize a hook up when im a willing participant. She probably saw it as a victory.

You're stronger than I am,  given her that many chances after all that. I admire your resilience.

[KarmasReal]

From heel to heal,

I do have some ideas about why I stayed, how I know if I'm right or if it's one or a combination is a whole different story. I need a absolute answer and I know I won't ever have one 100 percent. I have a very large need for validation, not so much from any and every person, but from people who know me well, and claim to care. She knew me better than anyone on a lot of levels, my need for her to validate me is a large reason. She seeks validation by any and all, more from any other people than the ones closer to her like me though, that's where we differ. Also, I needed to lie to myself, I couldn't allow myself to think that I had fallen for and loved this person who, mental illness or not, is just about the worst person, sans murderers, who has walked the earth. Nobody wants to believe they loved someone so terrible. Also, I have a fear of being alone, I enjoy spending time with a significant other and doing things together, not talking to someone or being around someone is very hard I enjoy having a person to be with. Also, she was very good at hiding her true self, she can portray herself as very normal and innocent until you get to know her well enough, then the curtain is pulled back and you see the vapid, cruel, promiscuous, empty, soul, that cares not about herself, or respects herself, or for any other, she is filled with nothing but hate, manipulation, self loathing. I just logically don't see how a person can exist like this in this world? It's beyond me. It's so hard to understand.

[FallBack!Monster]

I do have some ideas about why I stayed, how I know if I'm right or if it's one or a combination is a whole different story.

I ask myself the exact same, every day.

I need a absolute answer and I know I won't ever have one 100 percent.

Maybe because she herself doesn't have an answer. My ex admitted to me she thought she was someone else. I never asked who.
 

I have a very large need for validation, not so much from any and every person, but from people who know me well, and claim to care. She knew me better than anyone on a lot of levels, my need for her to validate me is a large reason.

Have you ever experienced validation from her? If yes, at which point in your relationship did it change? After the break up? Or do you think that is one of the factors that might have led to it?
There's one thought here you and I have in common. My ex and I seem to know things about each other without saying.

seeks validation by any and all, more from any other people than the ones closer to her like me though.

I'm not sure what you meant here.
 

that's where we differ.

Can you further explain this?

Also, I needed to lie to myself, I couldn't allow myself to think that I had fallen for and loved this person who, mental illness or not, is just about the worst person

We probably lie to ourselves to get comfortable with an idea that takes us outside of our comfort zones.
 

sans murderersc

I wish I knew what this means.

who has walked the earth. Nobody wants to believe they loved someone so terrible.

That is terrible, yes. Nobody wants that. I hated to think this way. I seek to change that thought. It didn't do me any good.

lAso, I have a fear of being alone. 

Lots of people do. I'm sorry you have to deal with that feeling.

I enjoy spending time with a significant other and doing things together,

.
I agree that's a comforting feeling. I did to and my ex appears to enjoy it as well. 
 

not talking to someone or being around someone is very hard I enjoy having a person to be with.

I gather most people share this feeling too.
 

Also, she was very good at hiding her true self, she can portray herself as very normal and innocent until you get to know her well enough, then the curtain is pulled back and you see the vapid, cruel, promiscuous, empty, soul, that cares not about herself, or respects herself, or for any other, she is filled with nothing but hate, manipulation, self loathing.

.
I'm now learning about BPD and yes, that seems to be the case. I felt the same way about my ex but I'm starting to understand that it had nothing to do with me personally. It was really hard and sometimes still is for me to fully grasp the idea that it could only be the behavior of an adult who is screaming for help. Nons don't behave in that manner, I don't think.
 

 
I just logically don't see how a person can exist like this in this world? It's beyond me. It's so hard to understand.

It must be painful for anyone to have to live with that constant punishment.

Tonight, I cancelled my evening plans as I'm learning soo much.  Have been been glued to this board. I Imagine that's what happens to most people when they come here wanting to heal. I'm beginning to see my ex in a whole different light; if you will.  Not sure what is it that I'm feeling,  as of now.  Also looking at the whole experience differently. If I don't learn to appreciate the experience for what it was, I will not get pass it, and I want to. Im happy to be here and think you are so brave to  have shared this. I hope I'm one day able to open up too but im trying to dig deeper by asking questions and patiently waiting for answers from members.