Youngest sister reached out again

[Depression = 72% of members]

To preface...my mother is the uBPD in my family, but she has my dad and all my siblings under her control, to the point where all of them believe I'm the one with all the issues, the one who "abandoned the family," etc. I'm the black sheep.

My youngest sister reached out to me this morning, first time in almost a year. It was all, "I said I would keep trying to reach out and fix our relationship, even when it got hard... I've been praying a lot and talking to my church group about things... (insert update on her life and job)... I wish we could talk in person but I know you don't want to see me... I look at old pictures and remember the fun and laughter we had... I care about you and I won't give up..."
 
So, this was the sister I really tried to talk and work through things with last winter/spring. We texted as well as talked on the phone several times. Almost every conversation just came back around to her yelling at me for everything I did wrong (or she perceived as such) , berating me over the same things over & over even after I apologized. as well as tattling everything I said back to our mom, usually twisted into a lie. I would get angry messages from my mom after every time I talked to my sister, "I can't believe you said xyz to her!" that I never said.

So needless to say, I have pretty much zero inclination to talk to her. I don't think anything has changed from a year ago. She still lives with my mom and confides in her / talks to her about everything. Which means my mom still has her brainwashed. And in their minds I'm the one with the problems, so more conversation isn't going to be any more productive than it was a year ago.

I guess I just don't want to be blinded by my own emotions about the situation, if I really should give her another chance?  I think what I want to do is reply and tell her I'm not ready to try talking again yet because I don't think anything has changed. Or just not reply at all...? My last communication with any of them was a letter of NC intention to my mom last April. I did leave the door open and say that I was open to the possibility of conversation in the future if any family members wanted to move forward in an adult relationship without rehashing the past. I assume that maybe this is what my sister is going on. But I don't trust that she's actually ready or mature enough for that. Last year she said she couldn't have a relationship with me as long as I "wouldn't forgive mom."

Sorry I'm rambling. Help?

[WalkbyFaith]

To preface...my mother is the uBPD in my family, but she has my dad and all my siblings under her control, to the point where all of them believe I'm the one with all the issues, the one who "abandoned the family," etc. I'm the black sheep.

My youngest sister reached out to me this morning, first time in almost a year. It was all, "I said I would keep trying to reach out and fix our relationship, even when it got hard... I've been praying a lot and talking to my church group about things... (insert update on her life and job)... I wish we could talk in person but I know you don't want to see me... I look at old pictures and remember the fun and laughter we had... I care about you and I won't give up..."
 
So, this was the sister I really tried to talk and work through things with last winter/spring. We texted as well as talked on the phone several times. Almost every conversation just came back around to her yelling at me for everything I did wrong (or she perceived as such) , berating me over the same things over & over even after I apologized. as well as tattling everything I said back to our mom, usually twisted into a lie. I would get angry messages from my mom after every time I talked to my sister, "I can't believe you said xyz to her!" that I never said.

So needless to say, I have pretty much zero inclination to talk to her. I don't think anything has changed from a year ago. She still lives with my mom and confides in her / talks to her about everything. Which means my mom still has her brainwashed. And in their minds I'm the one with the problems, so more conversation isn't going to be any more productive than it was a year ago.

I guess I just don't want to be blinded by my own emotions about the situation, if I really should give her another chance?  I think what I want to do is reply and tell her I'm not ready to try talking again yet because I don't think anything has changed. Or just not reply at all...? My last communication with any of them was a letter of NC intention to my mom last April. I did leave the door open and say that I was open to the possibility of conversation in the future if any family members wanted to move forward in an adult relationship without rehashing the past. I assume that maybe this is what my sister is going on. But I don't trust that she's actually ready or mature enough for that. Last year she said she couldn't have a relationship with me as long as I "wouldn't forgive mom."

Sorry I'm rambling. Help?

[kells76]

Hi WalkbyFaith, thanks for updating us with where you're at.

That sounds lonely and painful to be the "black sheep / scapegoat" in the family. Of course you'd want some connection with someone.

I wonder if part of what you're dealing with is a feeling that "to move forward and have a relationship with my sister, first I have to have this deep, clear-the-air conversation with her"?

Like, either you have to be out of contact with her, OR you have to "clear the air" and "resolve issues" first?

I wonder if there's a balance to be had, where you can take a middle way.

Am I tracking with you where you kind of want to reconnect -- it's not that she reached out and you're like "yeah, no"?

If so, you could try keeping it less heavy, and on safer topics, as a way to test the waters. For example, she updated you on her life and her job -- how might it go to respond with "Thanks for thinking of me; so happy for you that you got the promotion! What an answer to prayers. Have an awesome weekend, WBF" ?

Some people try having exchanges like that for a while, to get a feel for where the other person is at.

I am reading the "I know you don't want to see me" as sort of like bait -- to hook you in to old patterns. You can decide not to engage with that, and instead choose to be neutral-to-positive only on your side.

It may be that the only kind of relationship she can have with you is not super deep, yet it could be "the best it could be" that she shares some about her life with you, you share some not-too-personal stuff with her, and it stays positive.

Wondering if that makes sense, and if so, how that lands for you?

[Riv3rW0lf]

Hi WalkbyFaith!

I wanted to echoe Kells' advice here...

I have a somewhat similar stuggle with my brother. He is a nice guy, with a warm heart, but he is basically completely manipulated by my BPD mother and he doesn't really realize it. He will go there, spend a day or two with her and he basically starts talking like her: "I felt abandoned! I can believe you didn't come and left me alone!" ..this is not him. This is BPD mother. He basically internalizes all her struggles, and I don't think he realizes it. At all.

So the safest for me is to be, mostly, cordial. I don't engage. My answer to the abandonment comment was : "I hear you were hurt, I hope you know I didn't make this decision in an effort to hurt you, but rather to release tension during an already rough moment." Usually, it doesn't take more than this to calm him down, because in the end, what he internalized isn't him, so he is easier to manage.

But I don't share my own emotional turmoils with him... Ever. I also don't share anything about my life, my achievements, what I am doing, nothing. Because it always turns into some weird blaming, competition energy... My mother's energy... Because they are enmeshed. So I keep it light, and will only listen to HIS achievements, and tell him I am happy for him. I keep it positive, and light, and I am emotionnally distanced from him. I hold very low expectations from him, in the sense where I don't expect validation, empathy, nothing of the sort. I kinda treat him like an acquaintance now.

This is the only way I have found to maintain a relationship with him, but keeping my feeling of safety. We don't talk very often either, and I am ok with this. I used to feel bad about it, I don't anymore. 

[Mommydoc]

WBF, it is good for you to be cautious.   There are so many pros and cons of both LC and NC.  It sounds like the NC respite has been positive for you, but a part of you wants to re-connect.   LC is a possibility.

The advantage of LC, is you are connected at some level, and you can as Kells and Riv3rWOlf mention do it at a superficial level, and try to keep it positive.  I am LC with my sister wBPD and still learning how “ not to take the bait” and respond using Bill Eddy’s BIFF ( brief, informative, friendly but firm)…. Some days it 2 or 3 out of the 4, but staying brief is a constant.  His book by that name is a quick read and I reference it frequently to ground myself before responding.   

My sister will rant on text sometimes, and in those cases, I just don’t respond, until she self soothes and modulates to a more neutral or less negative tone.

Not responding is a perfectly sound and reasonable option, if you are not ready.  ( Only you can decide that).

If you decide to respond, I would not say “ I don’t think anything has changed” and would keep it light.  Kells response is perfect.  Let us know what you decide and how it goes. 

[WalkbyFaith]

I wonder if part of what you're dealing with is a feeling that "to move forward and have a relationship with my sister, first I have to have this deep, clear-the-air conversation with her"?
Like, either you have to be out of contact with her, OR you have to "clear the air" and "resolve issues" first?

Yes, but this was her conditions. When we talked last winter, I offered the path forward of talking on the phone once a week, updating on what's going on in life, getting to know each other better as adults (she was 14 when I moved out), etc - leaving the past in the past and moving forward in a relationship. She would not agree to this, because I'm not on good terms with the rest of the family. She laid out the conditions that I need to "fix things" with my uBPD mom and other family members first before she would agree to move forward in a relationship with me. Her loyalty is with them first and foremost.
 
So...
 
I answered her message with a kind but firm recap of what happened last time we tried to talk and "fix things," and indicated I feared things would go the same way if we tried again. Told her I would be interested in hearing more about what she was praying and talking to her church group about. Congratulated her on her job update. And left it at that.
 
She came back with a very long and rambling message. (my uBPD mother does the same thing - SO.MANY.WORDS.) First she denied/gaslit everything that I said happened the last time we talked. ("No I wasn't angry. No I didn't demand anything. No I didn't twist your words.") Then brought up alllll the same accusations she's been throwing at me for years. Rambled a lot about how I should be so grateful to have my family, that they're alive and love me, etc, and how many people wish they had that.

And made a comment at the very end about how she hoped someday her children (she has none yet) could know "the real WalkbyFaith that I knew and loved." And I had a lightbulb realization that she truly is hoping for me, and for our relationship, to go back to what it used to be 8+ years ago before I moved out. In her mind, that's when things were good.
 
Anyway. The stress and anxiety in my body has been pretty unreal the past few days. I knew I had struggled with physical stress symptoms around this family crap in the past, but it was crazy to literally feel the difference in my body from one day (peace and no contact) to the next (back into the dysfunction & chaos & accusations).

I wrote back to her last night and pretty much shut the door. I did identify and call out her hope that things would go back to how they were 8+ years ago, and explained how unrealistic that is. Then I just told her,  "There are so many things I want to say to you, but I can't yet. You're not ready to hear me. I hope someday you can see my perspective."

I don't know if my sister has a mental/emotional disorder, but it wouldn't surprise me in the slightest. As I said, my mother is the uBPD, but my siblings are so extremely enmeshed - and have had their own share of trauma - I havent taken time to evaluate it but wouldn't be shocked if there were BPD traits there, too. I just can't understand why I'm the only one who can see any problems in this dysfunctional family.

[Couscous]

I don't know if my sister has a mental/emotional disorder, but it wouldn't surprise me in the slightest.

Probably not. It sounds like she’s behaving exactly like someone who grew up in an enmeshed family would be expected to behave under the circumstances.

I wonder if a family therapist would be able to help you figure out what, if anything, you might be able to do differently that could potentially alter the current pattern of painful interactions between the two of you?