3 versions of a letter - Long term NC person

[lemonademaker]

 * I am not brand new to anything concerning BPD.
Just a newer version of myself after a lot of no contact- here to add to the conversations


versions of a letter

1. Hi mom. I have thought and do think of you often. I do love you and that has not changed…Im not ready to have contact again but it has been on my mind a long time to reach out and say hello.

2. Hello mom.
I love you.
I forgive you.


Down below:  The letter  that I won’t send but what I wish I could communicate.

Hi mom,
Hello MOM!
MOM…yes hello.
I miss you. I love you.
 I often think of a relationship that doesn’t exist between us.
 One where I can be my own person and take care of my needs and you do the same and occasionally we share company. Maybe a lunch, or a holiday that starts and ends well. 
I wish that my marriage was a joy to you and not a source of competition for time and attention .

I often dream of a mom that doesn’t NEED me to SHOW how much I love her but already KNOWS

Lets see, I hurt for the missed experiences we did not share over the years. 


l often think about breaking my consistent NC to tell you I love you. And I just wish you knew it. But I can say it over and over in my head…I even can imagine you handling this  letter well and it bringing you some small joy to hear from me.


But then mom, but then.

The fact is I have reasons for not speaking to you that have not changed. It's not to keep you punished or made to feel ashamed.  It is simply the most straightforward method for me to stay safe.

And I don’t want to add to Pain by saying hello for hellos sake and then not having furthe relationship.

So I find some peace and understanding in  writing this letter I won’t send. I do have my good thoughts, my prayers that I pray for you, and my resolve to just keep things as they are.

Reason being: It will hurt us less.

Im glad you gave birth to me.

_ daughter



The  third version is true and why I never find a reason to send version one or two.


I don’t want to send anything now but I do want to share in case it helps others feel seen.

-lemonademaker

[zachira]

Going no contact with our own mother is so painful yet often the only way to protect ourselves. My mother with BPD is deceased and I am no contact or low contact with most of the members of my large extended family of disordered people. I am one of many family scapegoats across several generations.

Having a mother who is unable to love her own child is a life long sorrow. It does not matter if she is dead or alive. The sadness never goes away and needs to be expressed from time to time. I am glad you have reached out to this site though sad for the circumstances that bring you here. There are many members on this site with similar painful relationships with their mother who are either low contact or no contact with her. Post anytime as we are here to listen and support you.

[Notwendy]

For me, personally, I wouldn't send anything in writing. My BPD mother keeps things written and refers to them when they support her point of view. For something not to send- #3 expresses what this feels like- imagining the relationship we wish we could have, but isn't there.

I think a part of this is wishing to "be seen" as a distinct human being rather than the projections of our BPD parent. The person my mother thinks I am is a reflection of her own thinking and projections. I can't change how she perceives or feels. There isn't a consistent relationship because it changes with her feelings.