Stranger...

[Depression = 72% of members]

I am really really struggling.

How can someone who you were so so close with, who you shared all of your insecurities with, who you thought was your soulmate and who told you he loved you and never wanted anyone else... .

How can he now, just suddenly, treat me like a stranger? Like an acquaintance? Like he doesn't even care. For no reason.

Hurtful.

[Littleopener]

I am really really struggling.

How can someone who you were so so close with, who you shared all of your insecurities with, who you thought was your soulmate and who told you he loved you and never wanted anyone else... .

How can he now, just suddenly, treat me like a stranger? Like an acquaintance? Like he doesn't even care. For no reason.

Hurtful.

[Aussie0zborn]

Hi Littleopener. I'm sorry you're going through that right now - you sound rather distressed. It really sucks, doesn't it? How can you best deal with this? Do you have a therapist?

To answer your question they find it VERY VERY EASY to do this. There is no point in beating yourself up and asking why - this is just what they do. It has nothing to do with you.

Please take the time to read the articles here so that you can totally understand this insipid mental illness. It will make it a lot easier to start healing and not beating yourself up. The only thing we as nons did wrong was to let it go on for as long as it did.

One big part of healing for me was this discussion forum - more from reading than posting. I hope it works for you.

[necchi]

Lillo, it sure is hurtful and it overwhelms in emotions but this will past,

tomorrow wil be the same, go with the emotions, fell the pain,stay in the now as much as you can, don't go in assumptions of any kid. For a while it will be obsessive,the thoughts,feelings,resentments... .but listen to people here, ask, and cry.  One thing you will start doing is try to limit the time where you start to wander off in your thoughts,the past, what if... .

Realize this is not your fault,and there is nothing you can,could've done to change,help... .

So now make this about yourself,tell me a little of you story... .one sentence will be fair... .at first I didn't post before a month.

[Tolou]

maybe telling us more about the story can help, get it out and you see that sometimes these things happen so we can learn to grow... .

[Nicco]

Hello Littleopener

i know your pain... .it's incredibly sad and hurtful

I guess we are all dealing with the same questions and the same pain.

Wish you to move through this soon  and fast

[Pretty Woman]

Little,

   Because he does not have the emotional maturity to love like an adult.

Children's affections and actions are never consistant. The only consistant thing is their NEEDS.

He needed you. When he didn't, he didn't.

It is so hard to not take personally because we are not like that. All I can say is this... .it is not you. We all make mistakes in relationships but functioning adults like ourselves can rationalize and talk things out.

They cannot.

My ex told me a week before my birthday we should see other people. I knew immediately who the person was who replaced me.

She cried and told me we were best friends and she would ALWAYS be there for me, she wasn't going anywhere.

When I questioned why she was leaving, it went from "we are too different" to all my fault and how this was the worst relationship ever. I was never there and that made it easy for her to move on.

Then she blocked all communication with me.

You know... .she used to tell me my words never matched my actions and she couldn't "trust" me.

What is emotionally cheating then cheating on me? What is saying I will never leave and love you soo much and then cutting someone out cold.

Normal, healthy people do not do this m'dear. We are not healthy for staying either.

Work on you and it will all make sense. Let go with love. It is hard and you will vacillate between hate, anger and sadness, but once you can let go with love it gets easier... .you need to get back to the you before you met him.

[Ironmanrises]

A Janus-faced entity when the transformation occurs. A truly sad and horrifying aspect of dealing with the aftermath of being with someone like that. Hang in there.

[Changingman]

The 2 faces of nothing!

[Littleopener]

You're right, I do sorely need to go back to the me before him. But I can't. He broke me and I just feel like I have no happiness left inside me any more. I loved the me before him, I laughed and I danced. Now I just shut myself in and cry. And he just goes about like his normal self.

More of my story? I knew him as a colleague for a year in England. I moved away to Scotland. (I *think* he was with someone when we were colleagues although it was kept very quiet. I only realise this after we "split" because they were always together back then and now are not even facebook friends). When I moved away he started talking to me more. A few months later, I was visiting and we met up for a pint. We hit it off. Talked online every day. Met up again and again. Held hands, slept together, had amazing sex (both real and... .phone), sent each other sweet messages. I was there for him when his mum (BPD) was treating him badly. But he said he could not be in a relationship with me, even though, to me, this was relationship behaviour! He also kept us a secret, although I didn't know this until a mutual friend had no idea we had been seeing each other.

But suddenly he just stopped wanting to see me and stopped being affectionate. Told me he was depressed and couldn't see anyone- but a friend saw him at the cinema with people and out at the pub chatting up girls. I questioned him about this and the fact that he didn't want to be in a relationship and this hurt me and he blew up at me- said it was my fault, said I was blaming him, told me I was being dramatic, told me he couldn't trust me, that perhaps the only reason I "cared" was because I wanted a relationship... .He actually said "you never REALLY know a person". You have no idea how much this hurt.

Then he stopped being even friendly. He would reply to messages but only with very formal, official like answers like "I am well. How are you?". I didn't even get the silent treatment. I think I would prefer that, then I wouldn't have to go through the heartbreaking replies like he doesn't even know me, like we hadn't been best friends. He refuses to see me- I'm often back in his town and he will never ever meet up to discuss things. I didn't even get a proper break up, he just started treating me like an aquaintance and now has started seeing someone new (a mutual friend) who he is now also trying to keep a secret.

It's so hard. It's been almost eight months since this all happened and it's still raw because of these "formalities" he is keeping with me. I think I'm going to go to the doctors in Jan. I can't keep on like this, it's killing me.

[Littleopener]

He knew my insecurities, he knew I was scared to love. He promised me he would never ever hurt me; that he would be my best friend no matter what.



To think, I felt sorry for him at the beginning when he told me everyone abandons him.

[patientandclear]

Ugh.  Little Opener, a lot of that story resonates with me.  My r/s started as an acknowledged romantic r/s, but he was keen to keep it quiet, which he justified as protecting my privacy as I have a somewhat high profile in our community -- I didn't care about that at all, and I now recognize it was because the ground was littered with past romantic conquests of his, and he wanted to keep some of those connections "live," but he also really didn't want me to become aware of them, as I would have if mutual friends had been aware I was seeing him.

But after he broke up with me, we eventually reconnected as friends, and that rapidly became an all-but-relationship, with intense emotional content and what appeared to be a lot of mutual caring.  But periodically he would express his fear that I only was in the friendship because I wanted more with him.  I think this relates back to his childhood trauma, where an adult befriended him (when he'd already been the victim of emotional & physical abuse at his parents' hands) and then sexually abused him.  I think he really doesn't trust that anyone wants to be close to him without a hurtful ulterior motive.  He would talk about my "hidden agenda."  Sound familiar?

And if I had ever asked for more, or told him our arrangement hurt me, I have no doubt he would have been angry, accusing me of violating his trust, and then would have cut me off, just as this man did with you.

A friend of mine has described these weird quasi-relationships with pwBPD in this way: "they can be intimate only by denying that it is intimacy."  Does that make sense to you?  It isn't about your worth.  It's that closeness scares the crap out of them and they can only approach it from behind walking backwards & then can only stay a minute.

[Pretty Woman]

Little Opener,

  They prey on your insecurities.

Mine told me I was not vulnerable enough.

Wait... .that was projection. I confided in her all my feelings, bad things that had happened to me and she used them all to her advantage and broke me down.

Miley Cyrus's song Wrecking Ball fits my situation perfectly.

They are out having fun because they don't grieve and when they do it is weeks, months later... .longer if there is a replacement.

It is very backwards for them. You need to get strong and well in the event they return in some capacity. I think you know this is not good for you. I almost lost my great paying job over this.

Never again.

[Jbt857]

Yup. I was married to mine for the best part of a decade. He waltzed out of my life, to my replacement and I simply no longer exist for him. I'm out of his life and his mind, IMO, because my being in it would force him to think about what he did and how he behaved.

So I was erased instead.

[Littleopener]

But after he broke up with me, we eventually reconnected as friends, and that rapidly became an all-but-relationship, with intense emotional content and what appeared to be a lot of mutual caring.  But periodically he would express his fear that I only was in the friendship because I wanted more with him.  I think this relates back to his childhood trauma, where an adult befriended him (when he'd already been the victim of emotional & physical abuse at his parents' hands) and then sexually abused him.  I think he really doesn't trust that anyone wants to be close to him without a hurtful ulterior motive.  He would talk about my "hidden agenda."  Sound familiar?

And if I had ever asked for more, or told him our arrangement hurt me, I have no doubt he would have been angry, accusing me of violating his trust, and then would have cut me off, just as this man did with you.

A friend of mine has described these weird quasi-relationships with pwBPD in this way: "they can be intimate only by denying that it is intimacy."  Does that make sense to you?  It isn't about your worth.  It's that closeness scares the crap out of them and they can only approach it from behind walking backwards & then can only stay a minute.

wow. Yes, sounds eerily familiar. I'm sorry you had to go through this too. It's an awful awful feeling- like he was embarrassed of me. Thank you for sharing your story with me, I'm just glad I'm not alone.



Thank you everyone. I am so very grateful that you take the time to reply and honestly you have helped me so much. It's not going to get easier any time soon, but I'm going to work at it. Thank you again.

[Littleopener]

That was me-  I had forgotten this username and password, but apparently it was logged in on a different computer! oops.

But after he broke up with me, we eventually reconnected as friends, and that rapidly became an all-but-relationship, with intense emotional content and what appeared to be a lot of mutual caring.  But periodically he would express his fear that I only was in the friendship because I wanted more with him.  I think this relates back to his childhood trauma, where an adult befriended him (when he'd already been the victim of emotional & physical abuse at his parents' hands) and then sexually abused him.  I think he really doesn't trust that anyone wants to be close to him without a hurtful ulterior motive.  He would talk about my "hidden agenda."  Sound familiar?

And if I had ever asked for more, or told him our arrangement hurt me, I have no doubt he would have been angry, accusing me of violating his trust, and then would have cut me off, just as this man did with you.

A friend of mine has described these weird quasi-relationships with pwBPD in this way: "they can be intimate only by denying that it is intimacy."  Does that make sense to you?  It isn't about your worth.  It's that closeness scares the crap out of them and they can only approach it from behind walking backwards & then can only stay a minute.

wow. Yes, sounds eerily familiar. I'm sorry you had to go through this too. It's an awful awful feeling- like he was embarrassed of me. Thank you for sharing your story with me, I'm just glad I'm not alone.



Thank you everyone. I am so very grateful that you take the time to reply and honestly you have helped me so much. It's not going to get easier any time soon, but I'm going to work at it. Thank you again.

[ScotisGone74]

I'm now over 12 months out of the R/S and this is something that I still can't wrap my mind around.  Its like we fell off the Earth.  Honestly I know its better that way, the rewinding of multiple recycles I read about here would truly be worse.    They destroyed our relationship with them, they destroy more relationships with others, ... .in the process they destroy themselves and we cant stop them.    Let it be even though it hurts. 

[Pretty Woman]

I am actually glad I really pissed my ex off by hounding her. She went from wanting to be friends to blocking me off everything.

I told her an ex contacted me and I pretty much called her out on BPD. I am confident I am scott free. It sucks we have mutual friends but as soon as she f's with my replacement that should dwindle til no one wants to deal with her.

[Littleopener]

But I don't want him to hurt other people. I don't want him to hurt.


I don't want to be in a relationship with him again, but I do want him to acknowledge all I've done for him, and how good friends we are. I know that's not going to happen though.

I know n/c is probably the best route for me because this contact is terrible. so hurtful. worse than the silent treatment, just like he doesn't know me, like he doesn't know everything about me.

[Pretty Woman]

He won't ever acknowledge it, dear.

If he reconnects he will say what you want to hear but it is not sincere.

You have to respect you and know YOU are worth more than this. You did your best. In a normal relationship there is communication and compromise. Not in one of these unfortunately.

[Oliolioxenfree]

Little,

 

Normal, healthy people do not do this m'dear. We are not healthy for staying either.

Work on you and it will all make sense. Let go with love. It is hard and you will vacillate between hate, anger and sadness, but once you can let go with love it gets easier... .you need to get back to the you before you met him.

Spot on EarthAngel.  Its so nice to see you  have so much clarity and how far youve come in the weeks you've been on here...   Good advice for Little opener.  ANd its true, once you work on you and do things for yourself it all makes sense.

[Pretty Woman]

Thanks Oli,

      I think it really helps posting on here and taking inventory.  I was isolated from a lot of friends and family this year. No one knew I was in a gay relationship. As it turned toxic I was a mess. I had NO ONE to turn to.

Funny story:

I tend to be an optimist and the first time she left I had no frickin clue what BPD was. I like trying new-agey stuff so I tried to bring her back using LOA (Law of Attraction). She kept coming back when I did it.

Here I'm thinking I am the "queen manifestor" and it's the disorder probably not my intentions, 

or because of her disorder it was easier to manifest her back, who knows!

But the point I am making is I struggled with this alone. I think many of us do this once it gets worse... .we cover it up, we make excuses for inexcusable behavior. After several dumpings she killed my trust. I know they say that many BPD's are sexual and mine is... .but after the first three months we rarely had sex. She had a backache or headache or was sick with the flu... .and between all this she would dump me. We could never get close again physically.

After the dump before last I kept busy. I plan events (and she knew this, that is how we met) but I got more involved and encouraged her to make friends (how she dumped me for a friend of ours). I did not realize she was living through me. She had no identity. At the end she told me, you don't even know me.

I thought about it. In a year all she did was mimic me and talk about her exes. Yeah, I was dating myself... .and all her exes.

Think about it... .

We were dating ourselves and all their baggage.

Sort of profound when you think about it.

One of the last things her new girl said to me was that we both are "Strong, Intelligent Women".

That was my ex mimicing me.



It's so funny, she seemed that way when I met her and then became a shriveling, wilting flower screaming for water. She was so needy and clingy yet talked to me like I was shyt I finally got sick of it.

I am appreciative she let me go. I kept trying to fix something that could never be treated, not by me anyhow and ironically her ex was a psychologist and had to know what this was and even she was destroyed.

[Tolou]

Thank you for sharing more of your story.

I want to validate your feelings, that you are hurting because you let your guard down with someone and attempted to have a mature adult realtionship.  I do think that no contact is the best option for you at this point so you can begin a process of healing and growth.  Also an important question to ask yourself is, if you realize that this person is not able to provide you with what you need in a healthy way, why can't you let go?  You need to try to remember that an individual like this has the emotional maturity of someone between the age of 3-6 years old.  You will not get closure from him, you will not get a sincere apology or acknowledgement of all your knidnesses and attempts to help.  Quite frankly  it is not your responsibility to help him in that manner, no matter what you think, in the long run this realtionship would not have worked no matter what you did to try and soothe or accomadate him.  You would constantly have to sacrifice yourself worth and filter your thoughts or feelings to prevent him from... .all different kinds of behavior.  No matter how much love you give this individual, it is not enough, they need more.  You are not his mother, or father... .A realtionship invloves compromise and empathy a reciprocal understanding of give and take.  He is all take and no give.

Part of your growth in life comes from meeting individuals like him, the helps he needs or you "think" he needs he can not see from the perspective that an adult does, he is always the victim no matter how you try to wirite it, explain or show it to him.  Instead of focusing on him so much, what he is doing, where he going, what he is thinking, you need to work on yourself and your needs.  Until you do that it will be difficult to find someone who can provide you with the type of love or realtionship you are looking for and deserve.  Do not settle, this is his losss.  You are a special person with a good heart to care so much even though someone has obviously caused you significant pain and distress.  Until he accepts his problems and seeks real help and healing he will continue to do this.  However that is not our job to stop him.  Our job is to learn from these people and grow and become that much stronger in moving into new realtionships.  Setting clear boundaries from the begining and drawing the line with what we will and will not tolerate from another human being.  When you recognize red falgs or things that are disturbing, do not ignore it.  talk to somone and get a outside persepctive to make sure that you are not the "crazy" one, because you are not.  However, if you continue to seek this type of person you need to ask yourself "why"?  Every time he come to thoughts you have the power to control that by trying to think of something else, it is not easy but you can do it.

[Littleopener]

Another hard thing is that he is the one who seems to have it all together and I'm the one that appears to be falling apart. And I just keep wondering whether I'm the one with the problem. I need to make a list of all the non-normal things he has done/is doing. Why couldn't he just break up with me properly so that I could have closure and move on? Though I guess he justifies it by us not actually being in a relationship by his standards.

Right. I need to go n/c.

I'm already scared. :'-(

[necchi]

Another hard thing is that he is the one who seems to have it all together and I'm the one that appears to be falling apart. And I just keep wondering whether I'm the one with the problem. I need to make a list of all the non-normal things he has done/is doing. Why couldn't he just break up with me properly so that I could have closure and move on? Though I guess he justifies it by us not actually being in a relationship by his standards.

Right. I need to go n/c.

I'm already scared. :'-(

Lillo, I feel like this to, my life has been turned here and there and it was a comparison to hers that she seem enjoying to do. For my part I was the one guilty for sabotaging it- theses are my words,not hers. Thought she did say I was responsible, she was right about it, but far from the same dimensions of her blames

Life goes on, make the best of it. I stop wanting things " right now" an accepted that I had to wait for gratification. Just not being caught up with her nonsense and leaving her to her issues than not feeling sorry for her sorry tales is a great example of how my life is moving forward.