Feel stuck in impossible marriage to BPD wife

[mczarnec]

I'm a christian man in Houston area.  I have been married for 3+ years to my BPD wife and I'm tired of the craziness and I don't know how to go on.  We have 3 children (12, 7, 2) and its a situation where I can't stay (because of her), but I can't leave (because of them).  I feel so stuck!  Its constant crisis, and speculation, and assuming, and everyone's against her.  She expects me to be everything for her at all times and her irrational accusations against me leave me walking on eggshells and feeling like I am a slave to her crazy (unclear, irrational, and inconsistent) rules she has for me in her head.  I can take the kids out to play one day, but another day if I do this I get accused of just wanting to be out there with female neighbors (and "hurting her" on purpose).  We can watch a movie one day (no nudity or scantily clad women) and its fine, but another time and I get guilted and accused to death about wanting to watch this movie for the sole purpose of the (attractive) female character in it.  At that point I'm already screwed because if I try to stand up for myself denying her accusation and fighting for the right to watch an innocent movie, that just adds to the irrational storyline already in her head - that I'm fighting to watch the movie (for the purpose of seeing an attractive woman in it).  This is the same when I go outside with the kids.  The irrational storyline in her head is that I'm out there to be seen by our female neighbors who are also outside with kids.  When I put up a fight, then it further proves the false storyline in her head. 

There is no fighting against the false storylines constantly running in her mind.  I have no motivation to take her out on dates.  That is the most dangerous situation because there are, as you might guess, OTHER people in the world!  And some of them are attractive.  So she then feels the extreme insecurity, which then gets put on me as "you're looking at her" even though I'm not looking at anyone in an unhealthy (lustful) way.  But its too late.  In her mind I am!  Then the "date" goes pear shaped, and in the end it is just us wasting a bunch of money for a babysitter, dinner, and a fight.  But I get accused of not wanting her and not taking her out on dates. 

I could go on and on with all the examples of irrational guilting and accusations.  I could go on with all the examples of constant crisis and stirring up problems and alternate truths based on her speculation and insecurity.   There's so much more on top of this that makes this relationship not even a relationship. 

At this point she won't admit that she has a problem.  In times where she does this, I get upset and ask her please to go in the other room or somewhere else so we can be apart and cool off.  I know by now that in these times there will be no resolution or respectful dialogue.  I ask her to please go in the other room or somewhere away from me so we can cool off.  Instead she follows me around and continues to spew out lies and accusations.  Nothing I say in these moments are received.  I get more frustrated... .and my buttons are pushed more and more.  Its like a sick little game for her to see how angry she can get me to be - so she can have more reasons to claim victim status.  Many times I am so hurt and frustrated that I get angry and say hurtful things back to her.  I know this isn't the right response, but this is also why I'm pleading with her to just go away from me until we both cool off, so things don't escalate.

She has access to everything.  There's no boundaries.  If I try to set boundaries (my phone, my email, my journal -which I have to hide at this point), she just uses it as an opportunity for accusing me - that I'm trying to hide things (like adulterous relationships, or something of that nature) from her - which I'm not).  I just want to have my life back.

So I can't live under all these irrational rules that she has set for me.  I have to tiptoe around her.  She expects me to be everything for her at all times.  Otherwise she will insult my manhood.  I believe in Jesus and I try to continue to forgive her.  Much is for the kids sake.  However, its at a point where I just can't keep going on in relationship with her.  She doesn't think anything is wrong with her behavior.  She doesn't want to admit that she has a problem.  I need to find some way to give her a more real consequence (like a separation).  The problem is I have nowhere to go, not enough money to get another place, and she will take the kids and who knows what else.  I don't want her to take the kids.  I don't trust her as a rational person. 

I'm so afraid of taking a chance or making a move.  But I can't keep going as things are currently.  I want to be able to give her an ultimatum - such as: start seeing a therapist/counselor or else I am going to _________________
Problem is I don't have anything to fill in the blank with.   

There's so much more, but at this point I'll leave it here.  I'm on an island here and I really need support.  I'm a good guy and I have been living in Crazyland for almost 4 years now.       

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi mczarnec,



Glad you have joined us here! I think you'll find that there is a lot of support here. Stick around, get to know us, there is a lot to learn and share. No one should have to go through such challenging situations not feeling understood or supported.

Your story certainly sounds like others here! That dilemma of a terribly difficult marriage you might choose to leave if not for the kids. In time you'll find that there a lot of lessons here that can help you manage with understanding and perhaps improving communication. A lot of the work we do is on ourselves first - if not making things better at least learning how to not make them worse!

Does she have a lighter side to her personality where she becomes easier to communicate/interact with? Has she ever gone to counseling for anything? Is her behavior affecting the kids would you say?

wishing you peace, pearl.