adult child

[Sugar21]

HI.  I am the parent of an adult child with BPD.  I currently care for  my 2 year old granddaughter about 90% of the time because my daughter has opened a business and is always there. Her schedule could easily be rearranged so that she spends more evenings at home. I love my grandchild with all my heart, but I am beginning to resent being her main caregiver instead of her grandparent.  My daughter acts like this relationship is the most normal thing in the world and that I owe it to her and my granddaughter to be a co-parent since there is no father involvement.  How can I get over these feelings?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Pook075]

Hi Sugar and thanks so much for stopping by and sharing.  I can think of a few things you can try.

First, it's perfectly normal to love a grandchild while not wanting to raise that grandchild all by yourself.  That's not fair.  My question would be what types of conversations have you had with your daughter about the situation?

Second, realize that your granddaughter is blameless here and she is a true blessing.  Being upset with your daughter has nothing to do with your granddaughter, so you have to separate those feelings.  One is unfair.  One is a blessing.  Make sense?

You have to have a direct conversation with your daughter and you have to be careful how you say it to avoid making matters worse.  But I'll wait for your reply to see what you've tried so far.

Good luck and again, thanks for sharing!  There are some great resources along the top of the page to teach better communication with BPD individuals, so that would be a great place to start exploring.  Look under the "tips" and "tools" section.

[Sugar21]

I want you to know that I show/feel NO resentment towards my granddaughter.  She is the only thing that keeps me going some days!  I just start feeling like its a lot to be basically raising her.  I long for things to be "normal" - whatever that means, where I can just spoil her and then give her back.  I have talked to my daughter and tried to help her make a better schedule so that she can spend more time with her daughter, but she just seems to ignore me.  She says she will make the changes but... it only changes for a few days.  And honestly, do I really want her around the child if she doesn't want to be around her?

[Pook075]

I want you to know that I show/feel NO resentment towards my granddaughter.  She is the only thing that keeps me going some days!  I just start feeling like its a lot to be basically raising her.  I long for things to be "normal" - whatever that means, where I can just spoil her and then give her back.  I have talked to my daughter and tried to help her make a better schedule so that she can spend more time with her daughter, but she just seems to ignore me.  She says she will make the changes but... it only changes for a few days.  And honestly, do I really want her around the child if she doesn't want to be around her?

I can only imagine how tough that must be. It sounds like you're doing everything right though and hopefully you find the correct words to help steer the situation closer to where it should be for everyone involved.  We're always here if you have any questions or simply want to rant a little bit.

[SaltyDawg]

I know many small business owners who keep their children at their business (since they are the boss) and don't have the option that your daughter has.

They usually keep them in a back room, and entertain them with screens. 

Would your daughter's business support this?  If so, you will need to set boundaries for yourself and deliberately make yourself unavailable - volunteer at church, or start a part-time job, or some other excuse that your daughter cannot guilt you to keep the grand children for so long.  Or just tell her that you are having physical exhaustion and you are afraid for the children's safety if you fall asleep.  Make sure whatever reason you use, it is truthful as pwBPD hate being lied to and will split you negatively.

If you fear that she will use them as pawns and take them away altogether if you impose drastic change in your boundaries, make small schedule changes, and gradually get to what you are willing to do.  If you don't think she would do that, rip off the band-aid and make a larger change.

You need to take care of yourself, and this is part of that.

Take care with self-care.

[Sugar21]

Thanks for that.  There is no way my granddaughter can stay at her business and be safe.  I am just too afraid of her getting into something and getting hurt.  I have asked my DD to try and come home more.  We will see - unfortunately I am not real hopeful!  She definitely uses her as a pawn and threatens to take her away, but each time I have called her bluff she backs down because she needs my help.  It is just overwhelming at times to be the main caregiver and have someone else step in and change things because they don't like the way you are doing them!

[SaltyDawg]

Thanks for that.  There is no way my granddaughter can stay at her business and be safe.  I am just too afraid of her getting into something and getting hurt.  I have asked my DD to try and come home more.  We will see - unfortunately I am not real hopeful!  She definitely uses her as a pawn and threatens to take her away, but each time I have called her bluff she backs down because she needs my help.  It is just overwhelming at times to be the main caregiver and have someone else step in and change things because they don't like the way you are doing them!

Sugar,

   I hear you.  You might want to consider making some boundaries in stopping some of the unwanted changes that your DD is doing concerning your GD.  Can you brainstorm, and perhaps come up with a few ideas on how that might look to you?

   Here are a couple brainstorm ideas that come to my mind without knowing the specifics of your scenario.  While getting your DD to pick up GD earlier might be problematic.  Perhaps, regulate when DD can drop of GD by setting a fixed number of hours you are willing to watch GD on a given day, I know some small business owners work 16 hour days, this is impractical for you - so, offer her up to 8 hours of child care (a typical work day for most in the West), or pick your GD up from a paid child care place as most child care places closes 4-6 PM until your DD can come home and pick her up, this should be even less than 8 hours., and if she picks her up later, let's say 8 PM, tell your DD she cannot drop off GD at the earliest noon (if necessary, come home 5 minutes before noon, so you aren't home if she tries to drop her off earlier with the legitimate excuse you need to do grocery shopping, or taking care of errands than you cannot do with GD in tow).

   Another idea to consider... I know the father is not in the picture, but is there anyone on the father's side of the family that you can trust with your GD, like the dad's mother that can share this burden with you?

   Any other ideas you might have?

   Just some suggestions. 

   Be sure to do some self-care to fill your cup, whatever that might look like for you.  For me, I do nice long hot showers, get lost in a movie/tv series/book, exercise outside (ride bike or ebike) with the sun and wind on my face.  Some do a spa treatment (that can get pricey, so I limit those), or eat something sugary (icecream / chocolate / etc.- my waistline does not like this one), do a girls night out/etc.

   Take care with self-care.