Broke up but trying to preserve the possibility of a future friendship

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi gang,

Well we didn't survive our polyamorous experiment, and she broke up with me yesterday. She was pretty mad and triggered when we left it yesterday, but last night she texted asking how I was. I replied "Sad... .thanks for asking." I haven't heard from her since. I'm trying not to get caught up in the loop of longing for her to contact me, but I do want to not make things worse. Any hints on what to do, say, or not to say?

[kc sunshine]

Hi gang,

Well we didn't survive our polyamorous experiment, and she broke up with me yesterday. She was pretty mad and triggered when we left it yesterday, but last night she texted asking how I was. I replied "Sad... .thanks for asking." I haven't heard from her since. I'm trying not to get caught up in the loop of longing for her to contact me, but I do want to not make things worse. Any hints on what to do, say, or not to say?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Fr4nz]

Hi gang,

Well we didn't survive our polyamorous experiment, and she broke up with me yesterday. She was pretty mad and triggered when we left it yesterday, but last night she texted asking how I was. I replied "Sad... .thanks for asking." I haven't heard from her since. I'm trying not to get caught up in the loop of longing for her to contact me, but I do want to not make things worse. Any hints on what to do, say, or not to say?

I think it's better to leave it at that, for the moment. Keep NC, take your space... .then, if she comes back, we'll decide together the best course of action

Remember the old saying... .the only way to win the game is to NOT play.

[kc sunshine]

Thanks Fr4nz, I'll try to stay NC. Tough.

[Fr4nz]

I know, it's tough... .a big hug

[khibomsis]

Dear KC, so sorry to hear you are going through this! You know you can do this, you have done it before. You were almost fine before the last recycle.

Remember  if you push, she pulls. If you pull away she most likely will come after you as soon as it goes awry with married woman. While every BPD is different I am struck on this board by how often they like to keep non's 'on the shelf'  in case of need. The secret of mental health is to keep an even distance and not get sucked into the drama.  Use your time to work on your issues instead. What attracts you to this relationship? Have you thought of getting some therapy to support you figuring that out? Be well!  , khib

[kc sunshine]

Thanks you guys for all the wise words and support-- whew, it is tough, no?

I think what draws me to the relationship is how wonderful it is when it is good-- she's so funny and warm and loving and smart. I know the other parts are there but when we are in relationship they are only flashes-- relatively quick dysregulations that are over in 12 hours or so. When the devaluation/discard processes are on, though, it is a whole different story. Then the nice times are only flashes. What an awful disease.

Yesterday I felt a strong urge to contact her-- but I didn't. Today the feeling is less strong, though the sad reality of the breakup is upon me . 

[khibomsis]

good for you KC! You can do this! Each day you will get stronger. And if you want to retain a friendship, the more you can keep it together the better for both of you.

It seems a common conclusion on this board that for every recycle the idealization period gets shorter and the devaluation longer and more intense. Maybe not a hard and fast rule, but I suspect that the closer one gets to intimacy the greater the chance of triggering the fear of engulfment. I let my uBPD -ex go when I realized I had become her trigger. Never seen her since. It is a terrible disease indeed.

JQ not here so guess I'll have to do the dancing emoji's:

        , Khib

[kc sunshine]

Yes, we lasted about 3 months this time... .a few months shorter than the time before, which itself was a few months shorter than our initial relationship. So it went 9 months, then 6 months, and now 3 months. It might be good to do a recycle length poll! It was pretty good up until about three weeks ago when her other love interest's husband went away for a trip. I think if I try to make sense of it in BPD terms, she is probably in the intense idealization period with the other woman (and thus the intense fear of losing her), which is making her seem kind of addicted to her. She was in and out of touch with me this week, ambivalent about ending with me. This morning she said that she doesn't think she is into polyamory, she just doesn't want to be in a committed relationship with me . Then she got a phone call from the other woman to come drive her home from her friends and she had to go do that. So basically she left our conversation to go do that. So rude. I didn't lose it, but I did ask her what she was doing and how I was supposed to feel okay with it. That felt okay. The other woman's husband comes back from his trip on Tuesday, so things might change again, but I think I need to get myself far away from the situation.

[khibomsis]

 Smells like triangulation to me. You do well to remove yourself from the drama triangle. After all, if you re-engage by the sound of it you will get six weeks of happiness and then back to misery square one again. At least here you are getting more sensible every day. Good for you in reading her actions instead of getting confused by her words! How's the diet and exercise and doing a kind thing for yourself every day going?        , khib