Questionable Choices I make

[Depression = 72% of members]

Good day,
I have been in a relationship with my fiancé since 2014.  He is irritable on a daily basis and has very nasty outbursts at lease 2-4 times a week.  His anger is always directed at someone else - mostly me because I live with him.  I always put it down to stress because he owns numerous company's and has many staff that he is responsible for.  The beginning of our relationship was wonderful between us, but difficult because both our exes were not prepared to let go.  However we pulled through and I thought that everything we had been through would make us stronger.  However - when he has his outbursts with me they make no sense at all. i.e: He will start with sulking and when i ask if he is okay he will accuse me of wanting to be with other people and that i dont find him attractive because i didnt go crazy over him and read a book instead on a relaxing Sunday afternoon. He makes me feel like i am always in the wrong for something.  If i try to explain my thoughts of the situation (which ever topic angers him) he doesnt want to hear it and says i am not listening to him. He starts off softly then gets louder and louder.  His stories change to suit the situation and he does not like to be corrected.
Its getting harder to bounce back after each time.  Yet i love him very much and he has a very kind and caring side.
He "buys" the affections of his children and people around him saying that he was put on this earth to care for many people.  He is wonderful with animals.  Yet if he is angered he will kick a pet if they are in reach.  He throws items around.  He has never physically harmed me though.
When i bought the book "Stop walking on egg Shells" purely for the title - i realised that it is a possibility that he could have BPD.
He looks after me wonderfully and i do not have to worry about food and shelter.  Before i started my job, he would "hold the roof over my head" as ransom when he had one of his rages.
Is it possible to help him? 

[Kathmandu]

Good day,
I have been in a relationship with my fiancé since 2014.  He is irritable on a daily basis and has very nasty outbursts at lease 2-4 times a week.  His anger is always directed at someone else - mostly me because I live with him.  I always put it down to stress because he owns numerous company's and has many staff that he is responsible for.  The beginning of our relationship was wonderful between us, but difficult because both our exes were not prepared to let go.  However we pulled through and I thought that everything we had been through would make us stronger.  However - when he has his outbursts with me they make no sense at all. i.e: He will start with sulking and when i ask if he is okay he will accuse me of wanting to be with other people and that i dont find him attractive because i didnt go crazy over him and read a book instead on a relaxing Sunday afternoon. He makes me feel like i am always in the wrong for something.  If i try to explain my thoughts of the situation (which ever topic angers him) he doesnt want to hear it and says i am not listening to him. He starts off softly then gets louder and louder.  His stories change to suit the situation and he does not like to be corrected.
Its getting harder to bounce back after each time.  Yet i love him very much and he has a very kind and caring side.
He "buys" the affections of his children and people around him saying that he was put on this earth to care for many people.  He is wonderful with animals.  Yet if he is angered he will kick a pet if they are in reach.  He throws items around.  He has never physically harmed me though.
When i bought the book "Stop walking on egg Shells" purely for the title - i realised that it is a possibility that he could have BPD.
He looks after me wonderfully and i do not have to worry about food and shelter.  Before i started my job, he would "hold the roof over my head" as ransom when he had one of his rages.
Is it possible to help him? 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[DoubleBP2018]

Kathmandu,
The behaviors you describe do sound like BPD, possibly "High Functioning" BPD. The  "High Functioning" distinction is important, if it applies to your fiancé. If you're not sure, reread the section about High Functioning BPD in the SWoES book. This is an important step to answer your question "is it possible to help him?"

BPD people tend to resist the possibility that they may have BPD, particularly if they are High Functioning. If he is, he won't want help because nothing is wrong with him, from his perspective.

You can't change him, but you can change how you respond to his outbursts. The SWoES book has some guidelines about this, and the folks in this forum have a lot of experience dealing with the borderlines in their lives so you're in the right place.

You might want to start with this:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

Hope that helps, it helped me a lot.

I have also benefitted from logging in here and reading posts regularly.

DoubleBP
 

[Radcliff]

DoubleBP2018 has given some great advice.  While we do have topics on this site about potential therapy for BPD, as DoubleBP2018 says, it can be tough to get high-functioning pwBPD to acknowledge a problem.  The first thing to address is our own behaviors -- not that we can fix everything ourselves, but that by addressing things we can control, we'll find a faster and more effective path to improving things.  We need to avoid fueling conflict, and we need to establish boundaries.  My favorite "newbie" skill is learning how not to “justify, argue, defend, or explain” (JADE).  You'll see some immediate results if you master this skill.

Can you let us know how you think the lesson DoubleBP2018 pointed to, and the JADE lesson, might apply to your situation?

RC