I need emergency advice

[DyingLove]

Merry Christmas everybody. I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday.

In a nutshell, my significant other suffers from BPD. Her seven-year-old daughter also suffers from mental inconsistencies too. Due to the very complex arrangement that my significant other has with her ex, the child gets juggled back and forth between households. The child's dad is not a good person, not to mention a Disney father. He has taken his two weeks vacation where the child is in his custody during this vacation. The normal routine is that she is shared every other weekend by a parent. For instance this weekend we should have custody and next weekend he will have custody, okay so you got the idea. He has taken his two weeks vacation which include this first week with Christmas and next week with New Year's it just so happens that if he takes her for the entire two weeks we miss out on one weekend with her.

My dilemma is this, the child is very difficult to deal with, and when she is around we spent nearly 100% of the time dealing with her. We just had her for Christmas and Christmas eve which was very stressful. My significant other does not seem to have a problem with this, but I am very stressed. On a side note, I enjoy some intimacy with my significant other. I really don't find myself being jealous at all of the child, or the relationship the mother has with her child. I do find myself having an issue with being part of the family. Let me explain. Quite often I'm included in every thing and anything, as long as it's convenient. I don't find myself being a wishy-washy person and enjoy being a full-time member of the family. We've had many discussions involving this that have drawn out into heated arguments. Most of the time it was the significant other not being able to understand how detached I feel, regardless of how many times I try to explain it and how I go about explaining it.

So she calls me this morning and tells me by the way we're going to have her, the child, this weekend because it's our normal weekend to have her. Well thanks for discussing it with me. So during the phone call I go along with it I say okay I say I love you I say goodbye the morning goes on. Now after thinking about it like I said earlier, it would've been nice if she at least mentioned it to me first, I feel that I was left out of the decision-making loop, although I would've probably gone along with it anyway. So at this point rather than say the wrong thing because I am resenting what she did, I am asking for advice here on this board. I would appreciate everybody's input here, because I've been very stressed lately dealing with the BPD and sometimes wonder if I am going in the wrong direction. This child is a wonderful seven-year-old female and she is extremely sweet and wonderful. I'm not one to diagnose children or anybody for all that matters, but when she gets triggered she goes ballistic just as badly as her mom does. I know that if I mentioned to my significant other that I feel that I was not included in the decision-making process or at least having it mentioned to me before hand, things will go wrong.

Right now it's 9:03 AM and I've known about this for about 50 minutes. As many times as I've tried to tell myself to let it go it such a small issue, I know that the stress of this weekend with the child will be immense as it always is.

Once again any and all comments will be very much appreciated here. Lord knows I don't want to say the wrong thing, the seven-year-old is with her dad tonight and I would like my evening with the significant other to be a nice one.

Thank you and happy holidays once again. :-)

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waitaminute]

BPD aside... .I would let it go. There will be other times to address this issue of being in the loop. 

[DyingLove]

Thank You waitaminute,

When things are going around in ones head, it all looks different until someone says something outloud.

Life is just too short to be unhappy at any time, and I've certainly had my fill of unhappy.  Thanks again!  :-)

[CodependentHusband]

I'll go you one further on this. Don't get in the middle of your SO and her daughter in any way. You say that she can be difficult, and may have some issues of her own... .She's a kid who's parents have split up. Even without the trauma of having a broken home, she's not emotionally developed. Similarities in behavior between your SO and her young daughter? Doesn't surprise me, because, BPD, after all, is caused by a lack of emotional development at some age during childhood or the teenage years. Trying to assert yourself concerning the daughter, right or wrong, is going to cause more harm than good, I think. You don't say if you are married or not, but being a step-father for a couple of years of 13 and 15 year old daughters, I've learned that my wife's BPD isn't going to allow her to keep things in perspective on a consistent basis concerning the children. Following her lead, short of allowing her to neglect or abuse the children, is what I have found to work absolutely best. I still have a hard time sometimes when I see just how rude and selfish my stepdaughters can be from time to time, but I catch myself and think about the bigger picture.

I'll give you an example... .My SD13 has a bad habit of eating directly out of serving dishes sometimes, usually after everyone has eaten at least their first portion for dinner. Now, I'm already a germaphobe, but short of that, I find this to be absolutely uncivilized. I'm not doing my step-daughter any good by ignoring this behavior, but seeing how things turn out when I've called her down in the past for this, both between me and her, as well as between me and my wife, it simply isn't worth it. I can be as "right as rain," but if my wife becomes dysregulated, her ability to think logically gets clouded and she gets upset with me on top of that. Hopefully my step-daughter will learn that manners count in life, but it's not going to be my place to teach her. So, let it go indeed, but for God's sake be careful eating leftovers in my house.

[DyingLove]

Hi and thank you Codependenthusband.

Yep, they both can be very difficult at times. The child definitely does have issues. There is definitely a similarity between the significant other and her daughter and no we aren't married, it's all voluntary. LOL. It's not always a matter of asserting myself with the child, but feeling like I'm being pushed away from the two of them happens often. As much as I'm told I'm part of the family, it seems to be very convenient to leave me out of the decision-making process. I'm a sensitive man and it definitely hurts my feelings when this happens. I'm not going to hide it I have emotion.

You hit it right on the head, rude, lack of manners, selfishness, sloppy, the child's got all of it. I do my best to instill a good father figure within the family unit. Thinking about the big picture is a hard thing to see. It's funny you mentioned germaphobe, the little one constantly sneezes and coughs on everything as well as touching edibles with dirty hands. This does drive me crazy. I was going to start another thread, where I was going to ask if anybody has had good results with ginseng Re: BPD. Approximately one week ago I bought ginseng at GNC. I began taking it for my own health but also offered it to my significant other,, so she began taking it also. I noticed her moods became more regulated and the incident of being triggered was lessened. She also gain much more energy than I did. I take Maca root also it energized the significant other but did not change her moods.

Since my original post, I have spoken to the significant other and have let the incident go completely. I think I'm going to have a plaque made up for my office wall saying "If it isn't one thing, it's another". I'm so thankful I found these forms, without which I would definitely be losing it quite a bit more than I do. In the new B section, I began my post which was answered many times over,, very helpful. It seems everybody here shares something very common, so it's easy to relate to one another. I see there are many twists and turns in everybody's different saga, but all in all it seems we have a kinship.

I mentioned in another post how the significant others ask is a terrible person, and that's putting it very very mildly. He has no idea how he's corrupting the seven-year-old and in fact I'm pretty much positive he's given the BPD symptoms to the significant other. I can also see where I am catching the BPD. It's not easy keeping my head in a good place, although I try to do so. I have a home-based business, not unlike many others I'm sure, and I'm finding it very difficult to keep focused. I've given myself a goal of January 1 where I'm allowing myself to lax and be less than my best. I'm going to inch my way into the human race once again and try to take all the negativity out of my mind and focus where I should be.

I want to thank you for your elaborate post, it's definitely soothing. I'm looking forward to a nice evening tonight the significant other gets home around 630 and that should give me enough time to be a good househusband! LOL

[CodependentHusband]

Oh man, can I relate to how you feel! Trust me, I KNOW how you are feeling about this. I know it is hard to overlook these things. I'm not going to be "Step-Father of the Year" any time soon, but I can tell you from experience that you've got to learn to loosen up a good bit. Yes, it DOES hurt our feelings when we feel disrespected.

I think that people with BPD in many cases are attracted to a certain personality type... .someone who is stable, has it together, etc. Those things should be considered attractive in any mate, and, truth be know, they probably are. But I think that something special is at play in that the pwBPD senses that they need stability. Unfortunately, those of us that have these traits can sometime be, if we are completely honest with ourselves, a little anal-retentive. We can't change the pwBPD, and we can't try to be a father to the children if we don't have the full support of the pwBPD. My wife has said in the past that she supports me in helping to shape the step-daughters' lives, but in practice, this is not the case. If we want to make things work, we have to practice, and practice, and practice until we really are okay with things. My step-daughters are lovely and I care for them dearly. They, like all people, have good qualities and not so good qualities. I've found that it works better for me to be more of a friend to them, which involves me bonding with them and protecting them more than it does in disciplining them. Good luck with this. I hope you can find out what's going to work best for you, her, and the child.


I don't really know about any of the supplements... .my wife tries a few things and claims that they work, but they are more for things like trying to get to sleep, or other types of common complaints such as that.

[Rockylove]

I would exercise caution in regard to herbal supplements.  If your SO is taking any medications for BPD she may want to consult her physician to see if there are risks involved.  There are many excellent sources for herbs and I do believe that they have some remarkable benefits, but it is a field that is not regulated and you could end up with a bottle of Dr. Snookies herbal heal all that is nothing more than a concoction that someone created in their basement and stuck a label on.  I would recommend some research on your products.

Ginseng is thought to be a heal all herb because of it's many health benefits, but there are different types of Ginseng~~Siberian, Oriental and American and each share some similar properties, but the Asian varieties induce heating of the body while American varieties promote cooling.  The "cooling" varieties are thought to calm stress.  I'm not an herbalist... .just have some basic knowledge of herbs because I prefer to use them over drugs, but I encourage you to do your homework before taking anything yourself or giving it to someone who potentially could have a negative reaction.

[DyingLove]

Hi Rockylove,

just wanted to thank you for your response regarding the supplements. I've been a fan of herbal supplements as well as vitamin supplements for over 30 years now. I heed the warning you give and no worries here. Just wanted to let you know that I appreciate your comment. Wishing you a wonderful day, rainy and windy here, temperatures not bad, waking up on this side of the ground, life is good? :-)

[Rockylove]

INDEED, DyingLove!  Waking up at all is a blessing to me   I'm glad you're on top of it with the herbs... .they can do wonders, but I know some people that have had no background with them~~one friend gave her unmedicated Bi-Polar husband St John's Wort and it threw him into such a manic state that when she finally found him (3 days later) he had to be hospitalized.  Not pretty at all!  Glad you know your stuff!

[DyingLove]

INDEED, DyingLove!  Waking up at all is a blessing to me   I'm glad you're on top of it with the herbs... .  they can do wonders, but I know some people that have had no background with them~~one friend gave her unmedicated Bi-Polar husband St John's Wort and it threw him into such a manic state that when she finally found him (3 days later) he had to be hospitalized.  Not pretty at all!  Glad you know your stuff!

Hi Rockylove,

Thanks for your reply... .  it's been a bit since I've been on the forums.  Things were nice for a bit... .  but it's back to the same old grind!  That is terrible about the SJWart, but good to know that substances have such profound effects on individuals.  You never can know too much when it comes to such an important thing such as nutrients.  :-)

[Rockylove]

sorry to hear that it's back to the grind   All I ever wanted was a simple quiet life and I fall in love with pwBPD!  good grief!  LOL  I'm ok with it though... .  I can still enjoy my peace~~when I go to Tahiti in my mind!

[DyingLove]

sorry to hear that it's back to the grind   All I ever wanted was a simple quiet life and I fall in love with pwBPD!  good grief!  LOL  I'm ok with it though... .  I can still enjoy my peace~~when I go to Tahiti in my mind!

LOL... .  the safe place in your mind!  I need one too!

[CodependentHusband]

DLNM,

    Have you been detaching? Not that it is a cure-all, but it is a critical step.

[DyingLove]

DLNM,

    Have you been detaching? Not that it is a cure-all, but it is a critical step.

can you explain detaching (in a nutshell) i wanna make sure im on par with you :-)

[CodependentHusband]

Well, you know that really close, intimate connection you feel with her at times... .  When she's happy, you can both be happy, and when she is sad, you are sad because she is? That's called enmeshment. It's sort of like a 'glue' we have with people we have bonded with. It's also called co-dependence. When things are great, they are REALLY great. When things are bad, they tend to be REALLY bad. When we detach, we start to maintain our own 'normal' feelings of happiness and sadness, independent of our pwBPD. It takes practice, and it needs to be done with love and without resentment... .  hard to pull this off without Radical Appectance, so, it goes hand in hand with that.

This is not to say that you can't enjoy the times when she is in a great mood, by all means, enjoy it! However, temper your reactions to these high phases she has... .  It will make it easier for both of you when she has you split black.

Does this make any sense? It's not perfect, but, I'm convinced that it is making the best of a relationship with someone with BPD. And, it can be very fulfilling. I admit... .  I still struggle. It's a work in progress, but, honestly, being left with the feeling of loneliness sometimes, and almost none of the chaos and raging is better!