Did your exBPD have a strong belief in Conspiracy Theories and Aliens?

[LimboFL]

As I climb up from the emotional turmoil that has plagued me since the b/u I find myself trying to ensure that I was right about BPD/PD. Every single red flag is there, love bombing, orbiters, devaluations, periodic violent rages, push pull and most of all of the others. However, despite all of the evidence, I continue to rack my brain.

One of the things that my exBPDgf was was convinced that there were chem clouds, that 9/11 was an inside job, that aliens created the earth. She would watch this long haired goof ball American guy in Costa Rica ramble on about the stars and the sun and the clouds and the moon. These were things that I simply couldn't grab hold of.

I am not ignorant to the fact that our government is capable of all kinds of devious things but it wasn't something that I spent much time thinking about. She wasn't incessant about it but it came up periodically and she believed, but good.

I was just wondering if anyone else out there has experienced the same kind of mild obsessions. I learned to play along because I didn't want to insult or worse get her angry.

Just a passing thought.

[jhkbuzz]

As I climb up from the emotional turmoil that has plagued me since the b/u I find myself trying to ensure that I was right about BPD/PD. Every single red flag is there, love bombing, orbiters, devaluations, periodic violent rages, push pull and most of all of the others. However, despite all of the evidence, I continue to rack my brain.

One of the things that my exBPDgf was was convinced that there were chem clouds, that 9/11 was an inside job, that aliens created the earth. She would watch this long haired goof ball American guy in Costa Rica ramble on about the stars and the sun and the clouds and the moon. These were things that I simply couldn't grab hold of.

I am not ignorant to the fact that our government is capable of all kinds of devious things but it wasn't something that I spent much time thinking about. She wasn't incessant about it but it came up periodically and she believed, but good.

I was just wondering if anyone else out there has experienced the same kind of mild obsessions. I learned to play along because I didn't want to insult or worse get her angry.

Just a passing thought.

You know, not everything can be attributed to BPD.

Sounds like a bit of paranoia to me.

(Her, not you)

[LimboFL]

Agreed, but I have heard others mention that fantasy was a big draw. Just curious. =)

[LimboFL]

She also used to have the most vivid and horrific nightmares. It was a regular occurrence. Again just wondering.

[virginiawoolf]

I definitely agree, we have to be careful not to attribute too, too much to BPD.

That being said, my uBPDxbf holds very strong, rather extreme, political beliefs. His somewhat radical positions are an important part of his identity and have been since he was 13 years old. While not quite the same as conspiracy theories (in fact he happens to oppose "ALL" conspiracy theories).

I think what you and I are both describing, when taken to the extreme, are indicative of rigid, black and white thinking. Both also provide a kind of pre-formulated "identitiy" by way of sub-culture. I imagine this is appealing to someone who lacks a strong core identity (a teenager... .or a BPD adult).

In my uBPDxbf's case, it's not just the extremity of his position, but the very nature of his beliefs. They themselves are quite black and white -- and rather nihlistic. While I do respect his beliefs on some level (and certainly the passion with which he's studied them), they read, to me, as a bit one-dimensional... .the sort of thing that might excite us as teenagers. As we grow older many of us develop more subtle, nuanced understandings. Our sense of self is strong enough that our  beliefs can evolve, without posing any threat to our identity. I imagine the same might apply to an over-zealous subscription to conspiracy theories. While not an expert, I think see a bit of BPD in this.

In my BPD's case, many of his  lifestyle choices actually blatantly contradict his political beliefs. But he seems unable to adjust his stance into something that might yield a more unified picture. Instead he keeps the different areas compartmentalized. We all have contradictions -- and I think this is one of the beautiful things about being human -- but his case seems a bit extreme.

[virginiawoolf]

She also used to have the most vivid and horrific nightmares. It was a regular occurrence. Again just wondering.

PS - He has nightmares every single night. It is heartbreaking. (He has experienced trauma in his past... .and constant anxiety in his present).

[sun seeker]

 Hey all

 The mention of the nightmares in this post helped me remember this.

My dexBPDgf talks and rages  in her sleep. Im like dam you are even angry in your dreams.

I used to wake up to her staring at me also . Creepy as hell.  And She used to wake me up in the middle of the night because she needed to talk. I shut that down ( she was in crisis/I need attention  mode)  I have to get up at 5 am to get to work on time. Let me get some sleep.

Only fear she was adamant about was an irrational fear of birds. She got physically shaken if the powerlines where full of birds, she would say they are plotting against her. We live in florida there are birds all over... .


N/c for me n/c for me. (Happy dance)  

[LimboFL]

Understood... .rest assured that it was a loose connection, but I thought it might be an interesting topic of conversation. I think the tie has more to do with the fanstastical thinking. I have more than enough evidence to know that I wasn't dreaming all of the other things that happened. I am not focused on things too much but it's natural to wonder.

Funny my ex was the one who would kick me out of bed because I would talk in my sleep. I ended up sleeping in the guest bedroom often, but only because (and I told her this repeatedly) because I wanted her to get a good night sleep. She would then blame me for a lack of closeness, yet when I did sleep in our bed, inevitably she would kick me out.

She slept like she was in a coffin, it was the weirdest thing, hands held together and all.

But her nightmares were real and she could speak for half and hour about them, in vivid detail and it was never a happy dream, it was always violent. I felt very sorry for her too. I believe it has to do with their minds going at such a rapid clip.

Again, folks, I am a realist. I know that some things that I experienced were unique to my ex. I have been a stalwart on this site about our ex partners all being individual and human, with their own experiences. I don't relate to everything I have read on this board.

I was just wondering, nothing more. =)

[Maternus]

Agreed, but I have heard others mention that fantasy was a big draw. Just curious. =)

Mine has no belief in conspiracy theories or anything like that, she is an atheist and sceptical about things like homoeopathy, esoterica and so on. But she loves fantasy, fairy tales and she loves to give places "magic" names.  The place where we used to walk her dog in the evening was "The Land of the Elves". It was just a small park around the corner. She lived at the edge of a forest and every place in this forest had is own name. "The secret well", "The hidden place", "The other world", "The black way".  She was painting her own landscape, like a child. I must admit, this was one reason why I loved her. She had a childs view on everything, that was normal to me and she woke up the child in me, to see the world from a child's view. To see something mundane as a wonder, like you are in a forest for the first time in your life.

[LimboFL]

Maternus, I felt a lot of that too, the child like pleasures that she enjoyed.

There were some movies that she loved that fed this and, like you, this is part of what I fell in love with. It was when suddenly all of the harsh cynicism would wash away and I was left with this delicate sweet, kind woman who reveled in being sweet and kind. It was never saccharin, but rather just pure. It was, unfortunately, fleeting because then she would back away and the queen would rise. It was almost as though she would suddenly feel vulnerable and have to retreat.

The love bombing was like that, pure, innocent, sweet, filled with kindness and excitement.

Whether it be rolling off into aliens or the enchanted forest, I think that the binding that I was trying to find was what I believe could be their escape mechanisms, their opportunity to temporarily leave the rigors of daily life, whether it was an escape into some soothsayer speaking of the moon and the stars or the enchanted forest. I suspect that we might have played a bigger role in these fantasies than we knew. That we might have, from time to time, have been too abrasive or real which would cause the fantasy to crash land.

Again, I thought this would be an interesting escape for all of us. I have been following the board the last couple of weeks and there has been a lot of pain and despair. I have certainly shed a lot of tears, as of late. I thought this might be a welcome distraction for some.   

[Maternus]

Maternus, I felt a lot of that too, the child like pleasures that she enjoyed.

Hi LimboFL,

what does this say about us? We often talk about the abuse, the cruel ending of the relationship. But we can also see all the beautiful things our pwBPD gave us. There was so much beauty and "feeling alive" in the relationship with my pwBPD - and on the other hand there was so much pain and emotional abuse. I understand, that both came from the same source: Arrested development, she is a child in a woman's body. But I don't paint her black. I don't understand her actions, but I understand, that people can be good or bad sometimes, without being good or bad all the time. A person with a Cluster-B-Disorder is good or bad sometimes - but much more, than a non.

[LimboFL]

Maternus, it says that we can see the the beautiful flowers in amongst the bleakest landscape, that despite all of the pain that they brought on us that they will forever remain beautiful in our eyes. This doesn't excuse them but, and this is because I ripped the band aid straight off rather than slowly peel it off, it allows me to remember some of the kindness and the love that I know existed.

I don't need hate to say goodbye. It was a 4 year journey that was complicated by both players but crushed by one. I wish for her to regret giving me up, to one day realize that she gave up on someone who would have taken a bullet for her, but this will never happen, so I prefer to believe that I did touch her somehow and that, once her anger has gone, that she will one day allow the goodness that I offered to prevail. Who knows, that likely may never happen but there is always hope.

Most of us on this board are here because we are dreamers, lovers and romantics. We felt their touch and knew it was genuine and real, when that breeze blew through the windows. Unfortunately the noise took over and they just couldn't hold on. They let go because they don't have the same strength that we do.

That is what, I believe, it says about us. Hopefully we will all find someone who will see these qualities in us and who will feel the same desire to hold tight, no matter how strong the wind blows. I am not giving up hope.

[jhkbuzz]

Agreed, but I have heard others mention that fantasy was a big draw. Just curious. =)

I think that might have been fantasy in terms of r/s's - especially in the beginning of them.  I know it was for my ex.

[hurting300]

Mine had bad nightmares. And she wrote short stories also. She had a fixation with death... .Weird... she was addicted to melatonin.

[Blimblam]

My ex wasn't really into aliens or conspiracy theories. At the same time she could probably get on that trip in the right setting, which has more to do with her unstable sense of self and trying to fit in and be apart of the social narrative.

But I can relate to where you are at!  It's so difficult trying to make sense of everything! Trying to find a pattern to make sense of it all.  It's hard work and keep going! If you you the time and energy in it can eventually make sense on her end then the difficult part of turning the mirror around and taking a hard look at oneself. It is a painful journey but teir is a potential for a lot of growth. 

One thing that I sense you doing is trying to think outside the box while at the same time the BPD frame of looking at things is its own box.  It's kind of paradoxical like that but it's hard to get out of because framing things as, "my ex had BPD," finaly allows things to start to make sense!

[Pingo]

Limbo, my uBPDexh believed in almost all the conspiracies... .he didn't trust government, he was forever planning for survival if the ___ hit the fan, which he thought was imminent. Frankly, I found it all exhausting to listen to day in and day out and I'm sure living on that edge of anxiety constantly has contributed to my having PTSD symptoms. Since I've learned about BPD I also looked at other PD's and I'm quite certain my ex has PPD. Probably this is more probable than BPD, although there is a percentage of people who have both. Whatever he's dealing with, he doesn't know how to trust anyone or anything. His mistrust in me and constantly invading my privacy, stalking me, etc. was the biggest factor in me ending our marriage. How can you live with/love someone who doesn't trust you and you in turn cannot trust? Sad.

[downwhim]

"Limbo, my uBPDexh believed in almost all the conspiracies... .he didn't trust government, he was forever planning for survival if the ___ hit the fan, which he thought was imminent. Frankly, I found it all exhausting to listen to day in and day out and I'm sure living on that edge of anxiety constantly has contributed to my having PTSD symptoms.'

Ditto Pingo, he knew there is going to be a revolution. He is prepared for it too and has guns and enough ammunition for a dozen people. He would email me negative information on uprisings. He watched the news non stop and would ask me "didn't you hear what happened today?" Well, I was at work and not watching the news. He was licensed to carry a gun and did everyday.

He also is fascinated hero figures. Batman, Ironman, etc. immature if you ask me but he had to see all of the action movies then collects them too.

[downwhim]

Oh, one more thing, he gave me PTSD from all of this too. I would ask him to turn off the news during dinner. I would tell him it bothered me but he would say I should not be a sheep and should know what is going on in the world!

[Pingo]

Oh, one more thing, he gave me PTSD from all of this too. I would ask him to turn off the news during dinner. I would tell him it bothered me but he would say I should not be a sheep and should know what is going on in the world!

Oh yes! 'Sheeple' we were called, if we didn't buy into it all. Mine was also armed with more guns & ammo than you could imagine, couldn't carry though, in Canada it's illegal but that was his dream! So exhausting and I'm so thankful to be out of that nightmare!

I think what you and I are both describing, when taken to the extreme, are indicative of rigid, black and white thinking. Both also provide a kind of pre-formulated "identitiy" by way of sub-culture. I imagine this is appealing to someone who lacks a strong core identity (a teenager... .or a BPD adult).

In my uBPDxbf's case, it's not just the extremity of his position, but the very nature of his beliefs. They themselves are quite black and white -- and rather nihlistic. While I do respect his beliefs on some level (and certainly the passion with which he's studied them), they read, to me, as a bit one-dimensional... .the sort of thing that might excite us as teenagers. As we grow older many of us develop more subtle, nuanced understandings. Our sense of self is strong enough that our  beliefs can evolve, without posing any threat to our identity. I imagine the same might apply to an over-zealous subscription to conspiracy theories. While not an expert, I think see a bit of BPD in this.

virginawoolf, I think you nailed it here!

[Pingo]

I was just wondering if anyone else out there has experienced the same kind of mild obsessions. I learned to play along because I didn't want to insult or worse get her angry.

Another thought and hopefully not too much off topic... .how many of us with partners that had these extreme ideas gave up our core values in order to tolerate or not upset our partners? After my BU, self-reflecting on my own values, I realised that my ex had zero of my core values. My core values are honesty, integrity, tolerance, kindness, empathy... .he had none of these (although he sure pretended to early on)... .how do we reconcile that we allowed ourselves to give up these values or shove them aside or keep them hidden? How did we think this would work out and lead to a successful, happy, fulfilling r/s?  Looking back, the honest thing for me to have done is to tell him I wanted no part in his paranoid, mistrusting behaviour and not play along and not tolerate stuff that didn't jive with my core values. But I didn't. I tolerated it. I didn't argue too much when I didn't agree. I let things slide as to not upset him or insult him. Our core values are our compass, how we find our way in the world. No wonder I felt so lost and confused in the r/s.

[downwhim]

If I heard one more time how I need to get my weapons permit and start to carry I would go insane... .My core values I kept but stuffed them deep inside my gut. I shut up when he got out of the car to yell at someone who had just gotten into an accident and was blocking the parking lot. I wanted to say, "are you alright? we can be witnesses to what happened." Instead it was, "get out of the way, we have things to do and need to get going!" Who does this when a person just got into an accident. Anyway, back to subject, he said he will be prepared for the revolution and if I am in his unit (?) I will be protected too.

The government is rotten etc... heard his politics every day. I am not a prejudice this is where I drew the line. Not all ... .are this way, not all... .are that way etc. I told him to stop. He was super paranoid that everyone was out to get him. Locked all his doors constantly, never answers his phone directly - let's it ring then answers after message left. He won't give his teenager a key to his house as he may bring a friend in that his dad doesn't like. He never even gave me a key!

[Pingo]

Wow downwhim, I can relate to every word... .even the key thing! He mistrusted my d and didn't want her in the house when we were at work, freaked out one night because she was staying with us and he thought she had let one of her friends in! Was super diligent about locking doors, etc... .crazy!