Brief encounter - Why? And why should I care?

[Depression = 72% of members]

My exBPDgf's son goes to the same school that a good friend of mine's son goes to.

This past week they had a graduation party for the kids. My exBPDgf and my good friend were both there.

They do not know each other, other than the fact that they know 'about' each other through me.

At the end of the graduation, my exBPDgf approached my friend to say 'Hi'. There was not mention of me. They just spoke about the kids.

She does not know him, other than she knows he is a good friend of mine. When he told me about the encounter it affected me deeply.

She approached him intentionally, but why?

To show to me that I am still on her radar?

To make sure I am still on her radar?

To prove to me/him/her, and everyone, that she is OK and has moved on?

I am trying to think what I might do if I was in a situation where one of her friends was there.

My friend says I should not read too much into it.

I know it should not matter, and I should not care. But it does, and I do.

[NonBPDEx]

My exBPDgf's son goes to the same school that a good friend of mine's son goes to.

This past week they had a graduation party for the kids. My exBPDgf and my good friend were both there.

They do not know each other, other than the fact that they know 'about' each other through me.

At the end of the graduation, my exBPDgf approached my friend to say 'Hi'. There was not mention of me. They just spoke about the kids.

She does not know him, other than she knows he is a good friend of mine. When he told me about the encounter it affected me deeply.

She approached him intentionally, but why?

To show to me that I am still on her radar?

To make sure I am still on her radar?

To prove to me/him/her, and everyone, that she is OK and has moved on?

I am trying to think what I might do if I was in a situation where one of her friends was there.

My friend says I should not read too much into it.

I know it should not matter, and I should not care. But it does, and I do.

[Mutt]

Hi NonBPDEx,

I can understand how perplexing the actions of an ex partner that suffers mental illness can be and I think that we don't need to pathologize everything.

I think that your good friend gave you good advice.

I believe that you said she was good to your kids and maybe she really likes kids and talking about them?

[NonBPDEx]

Hey Mutt,

Not trying to pathologize her intentions. As I said, I am trying to think what I would do in her situation. I don't think I would approach one of her friends that I did not know, unless I was doing it intentionally.

Re: Kids - yes, she was very good and caring towards my kids. However, in this situation they discussed each other's kids, not mine.

[Mutt]

Hey NonBPDEx,

I understand now how you weren't pathologizing, I'm sorry I got that wrong. Many members on the boards were curious as to why our ex partners did certain things post-break up. It's understandable and it's hard to know someone else's motives at times and it can help to take it at face value - a conversation about kids. Maybe she'll approach your good friend again and she'll want to get the scoop on you in the future and maybe not.

I hope that helps,

----Mutt

[Lucky Jim]

Hey NonBPDEx, My suggestion: don't overthink it.  What you might have done in that situation, or what her motives might have been for approaching your friend, are unknowns.  It seems like you remain focused on your Ex.  Are you focused on her?  It's OK if you are; it just means you have more work to do . . .

LuckyJim

[NonBPDEx]

Thanks Mutt / LuckyJim,

Yes, I know, I should not care, but I do.

If her approaching my friend means that I am still on her radar, or if it means she is trying to ensure that I am on her radar, then at least I can take consolation in the fact that what we had meant something to her, and she did not simply compartmentalize it all away.

She rarely did anything without intent (playing a certain song in the car to send me a message, etc.).

After discovering this forum, and reading all the stories, I know I would not go back given the opportunity. However, it would bring me some peace if I knew that I am on her mind, as she is on mine.

LuckyJim - yes, I am still focused on her... .

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, NonBPD,  It's normal, in my view, to remain focused on one's BPDx after a b/u, due to the nature of a BPD r/s and the incredibly strong pull it exerts on the Non.  It's akin to an addiction, from which you are suffering withdrawal symptoms.  It's painful, I know, which is why lots of people (including me) fall off the wagon and go back for a recycle, or multiple recycles.  My suggestion: stay the course.  You may need to take some proactive steps to reduce stress, such as by physical exercise, mindfulness meditation, playing a musical instrument, reaching out to friends and family, etc.  You get the idea.  Take good care of yourself, and Accept your limitations in the face of a terrible disorder.

LuckyJim

[NonBPDEx]

You may need to take some proactive steps to reduce stress, such as by physical exercise, mindfulness meditation, playing a musical instrument, reaching out to friends and family, etc.  You get the idea. 

Yes, I know. These are all the things I 'use to do'. Somehow these days I am just finding it hard to go back to that life.

It is like being given a brief opportunity to walk through a door into a world full of color, and than have to close the door and realize your world is black and white... .

[Infared]

I think one mistake we all make is to expect our BPD's to act appropriately or rationally... .

You describe yourself as "NonBPDex"

You describe your ex as "a pwBPD".

... and then you state: "I am trying to think what I might do if I was in a situation where one of her friends was there"... .as if she would act like you would act?

Whenever I expect my ex to act in a way that I would I become completely exasperated. When I accept that she is disordered and have no expectations, I do a whole lot better assessing a situation that she is involved in.  My ex is mentally ill and extremely immature and self-centered.  That is how she acts. I needed to identify that, and move on.

I understand your frustration. Truly.

[zipline]

This hits home for me in a big way. My ex has done many things like this and each time it has totally spun me around. She at one point told me via email not to contact her again and then two days later shows up in places she knows I'm going to be at. I have no idea why she has done these things. No reason I can come up with is a good reason. And no, given the chance to approach her friends I have not. I wouldn't. But we don't see the world in the same way and never will.

[going places]

My exBPDgf's son goes to the same school that a good friend of mine's son goes to.

This past week they had a graduation party for the kids. My exBPDgf and my good friend were both there.

They do not know each other, other than the fact that they know 'about' each other through me.

At the end of the graduation, my exBPDgf approached my friend to say 'Hi'. There was not mention of me. They just spoke about the kids.

She does not know him, other than she knows he is a good friend of mine. When he told me about the encounter it affected me deeply.

She approached him intentionally, but why?

To show to me that I am still on her radar?

To make sure I am still on her radar?

To prove to me/him/her, and everyone, that she is OK and has moved on?

I am trying to think what I might do if I was in a situation where one of her friends was there.

My friend says I should not read too much into it.

I know it should not matter, and I should not care. But it does, and I do.

This will probably sound scathing / jaded, but I don't mean for it too, and really at the end of the day, it's just the raw ugly facts.

For me in my situation and what I am "still" learning?

I'm not sure why, but I have those moments when I want to "know something"

(Know what he's doing, or where he's at) THEN I remind myself "self, it's none of your business, period".

HE does not care where I am, what I am doing... .WHY would I invest ONE SECOND of my time on him?

I have "me" standing RIGHT HERE... .so, all of my focus should be on me.

Self-care.

And un-training my brain to think about him, ever.

I don't know how long you were with your ex, but mine was 25 years, so it's gonna take some time to 'un-do' 25 years of programming, and I need to be patient w/ myself. BUT my goal, every day, is to be one day closer to "clean" from the habit of the 'ex'!

[NonBPDEx]

As I said, this is what it really comes down to for me:

---

If her approaching my friend means that I am still on her radar, or if it means she is trying to ensure that I am on her radar, then at least I can take consolation in the fact that what we had meant something to her, and she did not simply compartmentalize it all away.

---

This would bring me some peace.

[zipline]

As I said, this is what it really comes down to for me:

---

If her approaching my friend means that I am still on her radar, or if it means she is trying to ensure that I am on her radar, then at least I can take consolation in the fact that what we had meant something to her, and she did not simply compartmentalize it all away.

---

This would bring me some peace.

And what if you hadn't and don't mean anything to her? Can you not find peace in that?  What would do if you had irrefutable evidence that this was the case?

[NonBPDEx]

And what if you hadn't and don't mean anything to her? Can you not find peace in that?  What would do if you had irrefutable evidence that this was the case?

Well, I do not think that is the case - I do think we meant a lot to each other. I guess I am looking for comfort in thinking that I am still on her mind, as she is on mine.

But of course we are talking about someone with BPD as has been pointed out... .

[Lucky Jim]

This would bring me some peace.

Hey NonBPD,  I doubt it.  To the contrary, it seems more likely to prolong the pain and suffering.  In some ways, you are torturing yourself by trying to figure out what's on your BPDx's mind, which is an impossible task.  Yet presumably you are getting something out this exercise in frustration; otherwise, you wouldn't be doing it, right?  Well, what are you getting out of it?

LuckyJim

[NonBPDEx]

  Well, what are you getting out of it?

I believe that her approaching my friend was intentional. Why did she do it? I do not know. However, at this point, just the fact that she did tells me that there is a connection between her and I, somewhere, on some level.

I am not holding onto hope. My heart would like to be with her, but my head says that it would be foolish and will never be.

But feeling that there is a connection between us, whatever her intent was by approaching my friend (and I really believe there was intent), helps to calm my heart.

That brings me some peace. And so that is what I am getting out of it.

[Lucky Jim]

OK, thanks for that explanation.  I get it.  You feel better knowing (or speculating?) that there is still a connection between the two of you.  LJ

[NonBPDEx]

OK, thanks for that explanation.  I get it.  You feel better knowing (or speculating?) that there is still a connection between the two of you.  LJ

Yes. I could be completely wrong, but if my heart wants to interpret it that way, and it makes me feel a little less alone, then I may as well go with that.