Destructive family

[confusedandstuck]

I come from a large family, 2 brothers and 4 sisters.  My older sister was an only child for 8 years and has never recovered from the bitterness she felt at the arrival of her siblings, today in her 70's she still say, 'you lot, ruined my life'.  Despite feeling this way towards us she makes contact when she's lonely and in need of company and guidance.

Myself and all my other siblings grew up in a chaotic and at times, violent household.

Mother was never happy, devoted her life to destroying my father on an emotional and psychological level.  Used the younger children to assist her in destroying him by allowing them to do whatever they pleased, never chastised them for wrong doing.

My older brother and myself became 'parents' to my mother and younger siblings.

My mother would punish you if you didn't get on board with her hatred for my father or take on parenting responsibilities, by giving the silent treatment and turning the younger children against you.  They would verbally abuse us and behave as if they were superior and a law unto themselves.

Needless to say, the result of this is, that as siblings we have never been able to get along, show love or forgiveness for petty mistakes.

The worst aspect of my family is, a game that I'm almost unable to describe.

So I can only give examples;

I had been living overseas and came home for a visit, during the visit one sister, under the influence of another sister, stole my handbag with all my travellers cheques, leaving me stranded and wondering where she was and where my handbag was.

I eventually discovered she had 'thought I'd left the club we were in', poor excuse since I told her I was going to the toilet and why would I leave and not take my handbag.  She'd taken a taxi home, but the driver wouldn't accept a travellers cheque, so she gave him my handbag!  I recovered it weeks later, meanwhile I had to borrow money to survive with my 2 yrs old child.

My family defended her.

My older sisters daughter, in her mid twenties came to stay as a guest in my home with her boyfriend.  She was making a lot of overseas calls from my home phone and I asked her to 'keep the calls short please'.  She took offence, and for 2 days sulked and wouldn't talk to me, eventually accusing me of making her feel like like a 'ponce' an English word for someone who takes advantage of generosity.  She argued for hours that I was responsible for how she felt, creating an awful atmosphere in my home.  She acted as if she was over her mood, and we came home to find she had left without as much as a note to say 'thank you'.

I next get emails from my family telling me that my older sister and her daughter were bombarding the family with stories that I had bullied her daughter and character assassinated me and my daughter and were trying to force them to take sides.

Meantime, the older one became very friendly with a sister I had been close to.  The older sister had caused problems between us and spoke very badly about that sister, but now that she was on bad terms with me, made friends with the sister I had been close to.  That sister died, and we were banned from her funeral.  I have no doubt my older sister poisoned her mind.

Years later I was again in touch with my older sister and she told me 'she couldn't forgive me' for 'involving the family' in that problem.  I never involved them, she did.

My current confusing and feeling stuck results from the fact that I continually forgive my sisters, never discuss the problems they cause because it will end in an aggressive argument and once again, would end with her turning her back on me.

I have been corresponding with my older sister for years now, occasionally we meet up, usually when she's bored and needs company.

Often she'll arrange to meet, then cancel at the last minute, then weeks later tell me that she had asked to meet up, but that I had never responded to her request!

On the occasions that she does turn up, there's always some drama.  She gets lost, gets into a fury, and tells me that I didn't give her directions.  I give her directions 3 times! When I point that out, she says, let's drop this conversation we don't want to fall out.

If she comes to my home, she'll make some comment, intended to undermine you.

She constantly talks badly about all my siblings, tells me she has no contact with them because they're useless, but I know that she has contact with all of them stirring everyone up against each other.

Here's my problem, why do I still entertain this sister?  There's so much more that I haven't mentioned in this post.  Why do I feel it's my fault if a problem occurs that she has created?  Why do I allow her comments to undermine how I feel about myself, constantly second guessing myself, fearing that she'll cause more trouble and damage any already fragile relationships with other siblings.  I don't trust this woman, I feel an underlying hatred in her and mistrust her when she's being 'nice' because I feel it's insincere, because at some stage, she always turns, engages another sibling in her need to character assassinate and destroy any relationships within the family.

I simply cannot understand why, I continue to have any contact.?

[Kwamina]

Hi confusedandstuck

Welcome to bpdfamily!  There's a lot going on in your family so I'm happy that you're reaching out for support here. I have an older uBPD sister myself so I know how much 'fun' that can be

Here's my problem, why do I still entertain this sister?  There's so much more that I haven't mentioned in this post.  Why do I feel it's my fault if a problem occurs that she has created?  Why do I allow her comments to undermine how I feel about myself, constantly second guessing myself, fearing that she'll cause more trouble and damage any already fragile relationships with other siblings.  I don't trust this woman, I feel an underlying hatred in her and mistrust her when she's being 'nice' because I feel it's insincere, because at some stage, she always turns, engages another sibling in her need to character assassinate and destroy any relationships within the family.

I simply cannot understand why, I continue to have any contact.?

You ask a very good question here. The answer might have something to do with fear, obligation and guilt (F.O.G.). Based on some of the incidents you have described, it does seem like you have been accused a lot and made to feel guilty by certain family-members. You also mention fearing that she'll cause more troubles. Based on her past behavior it's probably quite likely that she'll at least try to cause more troubles. It might help to drastically lower your expectations of her. Instead of fearing she might misbehave, actually expect her to misbehave and prepare yourself as best you can for this learning from previous experiences with her. Obligation might also play a part here since she is your family and family ties often run pretty deep, even in families dealing with BPD drama. In your case, you basically have been a caretaker for very long being pushed into the role of parenting your younger siblings and that can definitely add to a feeling of being obliged to take care of family-members no matter how badly they treat you.

Do you feel like fear, obligation and guilt might be some of the reasons you are finding it hard to take a firmer stance with your sister? Do you feel like setting and enforcing boundaries is something you are comfortable with and willing to do with your sister?

[losthero]

Dear confused,  I have a theory now that Im getting older and that is if the relationship does not give me any joy or pleasure then Im not going to invest my emotional energy into it.  She is your sister and I get the fact that you feel obligated to have a relationship with her but she sounds twisted.  If I were you I would start to slowly back away from that relationship and guard your mind and heart from her.  She appears to enjoy others pain.   You can have a low ,low civil relationship with her but I would avoid a close relationship with her from here on out.  Time to stop your abuse.