Please help me. I’m losing it. [Christian discussion]

[Randrews83]

So, my step daughter has BPD and I suspect some narcissistic variance.  I’m no doctor, just a guy that reads the DSM 5 occasionally.  I’ve experienced abuse.  Threats.  Terrorism.  The real go word for problems is the word….  NO.  There will be blue lights and men in vests with guns.  I try.  I’m a Christian that was radically saved.  I cannot validate a trans identity for someone who does not know who they are yet.  My wife takes the blunt of the violence while I am at work. She is 16 and the most manipulative, calculating, and straight savage person I know.  I don’t say this lightly.  I don’t know what to do.  I defend my wife from attacks only to be questioned by police as to what happened. This kid claims abuse. Had to hire a lawyer to make sure my wife, the victim, was actually heard in court.  She throws up the trans thing and everybody gets scared.  Thank God the court system, school system, and medical staff at the hospital gets it.  The hospital staff caught on.  Everytime she assaults someone she claims suicidal ideation.  Released within 8 hours every time. I am beyond myself.  I pray, I love, and I get abused.  I can’t hit her back. She is 90 pounds and I am 230.  I am a fabricator at a factory and can’t be at two places at once.  I need this child to leave but her father is also a BPD and drug addict.  None of her other family will take her back again because she abused them as well.  She tries to use the legal system as her enforcer.  It doesn’t  work, unless you lose your cool.  Every one of authority becomes cannon fodder at her whim.  We are winning after we started recording our interactions but it’s not sustainable when you go to sleep.  We are worried.  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Hi Randrew83,
You had mentioned about not recognizing trans identity.  Are you able to write a bit more about this( if you are comfortable)?

I'm taking it that she is not amenable to therapy, or her diagnosis?

It seems like you have called the police  on her, and yes, sometimes it takes that, unfortunately.  I had to do the same thing starting when my son was a teen.



 

[kells76]

Hello from me as well, Randrews83; joining Swimmy55 in welcoming you to the group.

You're going through incredibly difficult times right now. Stepparenting + BPD in the family + teen years + identity issues + violence = a volatile combination.

I get it -- my husband has two teens (we suspect their mom, my H's ex, has many BPD traits/behaviors), and both the kids have struggled with sexuality and gender identity issues. It is a big deal to them, and my H and I, who believe in God, have at times been challenged beyond our limits with how to best love and care about them. There can be a huge social/cultural divide, too (my H is a machinist, so I also get it when you say you work in fab) and it can take a lot to find peace together in your home.

Swimmy55's questions are good ones; fill us in when you have the chance.

It could also be worth looking into some family support groups, both for navigating the faith-based challenges and the BPD challenges of your situation. A local church in our city offers a Christian-based discussion group for family members of LGBTQ+ individuals. You could consider calling around to larger churches in your area to see if that's available.

Also, the National Education Alliance for Borderline Personality Disorder has a free, 24 hour Family Connections™ - BPD/Emotion Dysregulation Program for family members of pwBPD of any age. There is a 5-6 month waitlist but they do send you updates periodically.

They also offer a coping with suicidality program. I think the waiting time is a lot shorter for that one. Could be worth it to see if there are some new approaches you and your W can try when your SD16 makes threats.

...

Are there other children in the home? If so, how old are they, and how are they coping?

[CC43]

Randrews,

I feel your pain in your writing.  Some of your words jumped out at me.  Abuse.  Terrorism.  Threats.  I know what you mean.  My stepdaughter was diagnosed with BPD, and in my mind I thought of her as an emotional terrorist.  As her illness progressed, she upped the stakes with suicide gestures and attempts, as if in a nuclear arms race.  When she didn't get what she wanted, she'd engage in suicide talk or make an attempt.  That became a weapon of choice, and she wielded it for years.  As a result, her dad couldn't bear to enforce any rules, or insist on civility, for fear that she'd take her life.  She was a terrorist in our home.  And she made multiple claims of abuse, when the reality was, she was the instigator.  She even tested out allegations of molestation by her father, but quickly retracted them because her lies didn't stick.  Then she claimed she was the victim of multiple traumas and abuse, but she kept the details fuzzy, to ensure her stories remained plausible.  Over time I came to realize that though there might have been a kernel of truth to her claims (an argument, a letdown), most of her stories were fabricated, and the facts were twisted to portray herself as the victim.  I think she actually came to believe her version of events, to justify the barrage of abuse she would inflict on her "adversaries."

Over time, her incentive to act out increased, because effectively she became the ruler of the household.  As long as she cried and pouted and made threats and spewed hatred, and blamed her problems on alleged past assaults and abuse, her dad would bend over backwards to solve her problems and give into her demands.

When did things start to turn around?  When she hit bottom.  For her, hitting bottom meant losing all her friends, dropping out of college (four times) and being estranged from everyone in the family except for her dad and me.  The only reason she wasn't estranged from her dad was because she needed a place to live.  It took her four suicide attempts, each one more serious that the last one, to realize she needed to change.  (And the hospital staff read her the riot act:  she had exhausted all available therapies.  The next step was involuntary commitment.)  And her dad had to change, too.  Sometimes he didn't want to take her to the hospital after an attempt, because she hated it.  There was a moment I had to take him aside and tell him, she's not well, she needs to go to the hospital.  I'm just saying this because the high emotional stakes and stress in moments like that, combined with intense parental guilt, can impair one's judgment.  No parent wants to see their kid in the hospital.

You wrote about issues around your daughter's identity.  It might help to keep in mind that people with BPD can have an unstable sense of identity.  I've seen this shifting frequently in my stepdaughter.  She appears to be very uncertain about who she is, what she wants and what her likes and dislikes are.  It's hard to explain how this manifests, but it's clear to me that my stepdaughter's identity isn't "solid."  Maybe some indications are her difficulties finding a major in college, changing friend groups, experimenting with her looks (e.g. dying her hair a different color every few weeks), not having hobbies, not knowing what job she might like to pursue, etc.  Though these issues are typical for people entering adulthood, I'd say that in my experience with a loved one with BPD, her identity isn't solid.  

[Pook075]

I pray, I love, and I get abused.  I can’t hit her back.

Hello and welcome to the forums.  I had the identical experience with my daughter- identical in everything you said.  Many here have and it's all to common for BPD teens.

You're partially right- you can't hit her (although you can defend yourself).  What you can do, however, is to make a boundary of no abuse inside the home.  If she yells, threatens, attacks, runs away, etc. then you dial 9-1-1 and say, "My daughters is a threat to herself or others."  Let the state handle it from that point forward.

You mentioned that she's home after 8 hours.  Then what?  Let's start over.   If she yells, threatens, attacks, runs away, etc. then you dial 9-1-1 and say, "My daughters is a threat to herself or others."

Sometimes my daughter was worse after a short visit than before.  We've literally driven off of hospital property and then went right back to the ER to say the magic phrase.  And they have to admit her all over again.  Often the 2nd effort gets a mandated stay at a facility somewhere in the state.  That's great, because the house is calm in those periods and everyone else can mentally reset.

You won't want to hear this, but a part of the problem is you and your wife.  Stop walking on eggshells.  Stop accepting abuse.  Pick up the phone and dial 9-1-1 over and over and over again until she gets the picture.  You have an abuse-free home and it won't be accepted anymore.

I'm a Christian as well and at face value, this advice sounds cruel and mean.  But you said it yourself, you pray and love as you're called to do.  But your kid is not honoring her parents, not honoring the home, etc.  You're called to live in peace, not accept abuse as a regular part of your day.  Calling the police is teaching her right from wrong because that's all you have at the moment.

I went through this for over a decade, but the abuse finally stopped because we decided that abuse was no longer acceptable, the chaos had to go.  At 18, you can ask her to leave if that's not acceptable- we had to and our kid was homeless for a time.  But we continued to pray and love, while not accepting the abuse.  That made our kid grow up and learn right from wrong.

Don't lose hope, there's light at the end of the tunnel.  And don't feel weighed down by the trans stuff either- believe what you believe and don't compromise your faith for anyone.  That doesn't mean argue over that stuff either, but state your beliefs and let it go.  I hope that helps!

[Ourworld]

Hi RAndrews,

Wow, you are indeed in a tough situation. All I can say is to do what you need to do to obtain God’s peace. For me, that’s comforting Christian music, one of my favorite songs right now is Psalm 23 by Phil Wickham.
I am telling you this because I think bringing Christ’s peace into your home at all times and especially when she is acting out may help tremendously. After-all Christ is the ultimate healer and if He wants you to go through agencies, processes, or other people He has gifted, He will guide you. Trust in His guidance, you will know when you are doing what He is guiding, because things will go quite smoothly.

I know that you are in a very scary and unstable environment, but you MUST have trust, and patiently rely on the Lord to take care of the situation. Your daughter is His child too, and He greatly cares about her and will take care of her, trust.

Remember: ‘yea, though I walk through the valley of death, I will fear no evil, for God is with me’.

I have been walking in relationship with Jesus since age 7 after he healed and saved my life at age 3. So, I have immense faith that has served me well. I am currently preparing for long-term overseas missionary work and will being learning about trauma healing soon. I will be helping kids that have experienced traumas for God to heal them and teaching them about the Love of Jesus Christ.

I inspire you to lift up your banner for His guidance! One thing I suggest is for your wife to play Christian music from YouTube on your tv for peace and comfort in the home throughout the day. There is Christian music that is instrumental only if you feel that lyrics may be distracting.
You didn’t say, but I’m hopeful your wife is a saved Christian.

And finally, while Jesus understood and was compassionate to people, there were times when He showed anger, gave discipline, and set boundaries. Remember when He told His dear disciples (including Peter, who were close to him) to get away from Him, because He could feel there was evil creeping in and would not tolerate it. Well, I’m not saying to be like Jesus (which we can’t!), but to follow His example, and put our foot down, not tolerating her behavior. But try not to fret about the possible outcome or her reaction (such as suicide) and just trust God to deal with it as only He can. Remember, He promised He won’t let you go, God is in this Story (another song!)

That is my advice purely from a Godly perspective, this is who I have relied on my whole life. My daughter is an only child, and having no idea of anything like this, she was not abusive towards me at all, I really saw her acting out towards me at age 15. I would not tolerate any negative behavior towards me and showered her with love, even though I saw and detected changes in her personality when she became a teenager, but I still had no idea what was going on and figured it was her age Then when she began college she had multiple back-to-back traumas occur (including getting pregnant to give up her child for adoption), after that she did go on to finally graduate from college with honors, then got her MBA on her own.
I worked civil service and after college when she was living with her fiancé and best friend, I thought she was okay and took a position in Germany. When I came back, she was 27 and I found out later that she got married in secret. At this point, she told me that she didn’t want to communicate with me anymore and completely blocked me, someone here let me know that was probably seen as a type of abandonment to her. I also am fairly certain that she did not want me to see how she was behaving (embarrassment).
She is now 38 and because of problems, she has left her husband who has mentally-ill from the military, he is being well-treated at the VA. And, due to prayers, she has moved from that seedy college town!
My mom and I and many friends had been praying for years, and I knew that for her to be healed, He would have to bring her to a low point which would include their parting of ways. He and I communicate and when he began telling me of her distorted views of me, her distorted memories, and behavior, this was when I finally realized the impact of her dad leaving then dying in a car accident, plus the things he experienced in college had affected her mentality.

I know my total story may not resonate with you for what you’re presently going through, I hope it gives you hope for intercessional prayer and the future. Thinking back I do see traits that would indicate this disorder when she was younger, and I believe that God used me to show her much love and acceptance as He controlled her actions.

In reference to your situation, I know that God sees your pain and will help, but it is up to you to believe, pray, and trust as He works in all your lives. If you are not in the Word, I want to encourage you to make this a daily practice. God loves it when we pray back His promises and words back to Him. He is grieving with you and just wants you to reach out to Him in faith.

Your family is in my prayers. God led me to write to you, encouraging one another in Christ is a big part of the unity of believers.

Blessings, OurWorld

I know it’s hard to find a Christian counselor who can understand your current situation, but at least I can identify with some of the issues of having a child with BPD.

[Ourworld]

RAndrews,

I also want to echo what Pook said about not walking on eggshells and accepting her abusive ways.
Make sure that your wife understands that she is NOT at fault for this condition and has no reason to feel guilty or put up with her nonsense!

Not only would Jesus not let someone control Him through their behavior, but even when Paul started churches and wrote the people letters later, he often chastised them about things he heard that were wrong (esp. 1 Corinthians). Do not let her deranged emotions control you.