please help... feeling guilty over the kids

[PattyG]

My court date is April 17. My exuBPD gf took me to court to get visitation of my 4 kids... .   all under 5yo. I found out Jan 21 and let her see them Mar 2 for 2hr supervised. She then reinterated that if she lost she wasn't going to have me hurt her with them for the rest of her life and would walk away. So I cut off all contact between the kids and her since I don't want them yoyo'd like that. She has continued to paint me black... .   I stole the kids, etc. She actually filed while we were in a relationship and didn't tell me.

The issue I'm having is with obligation and guilt. I am assuming that I will win next week. I had said before it got ugly that I would let her see the kids on my terms if she lost. I since took that statement back after her repeated statements that she would walk away if she lost. I have gotten a lot of calls over the last 2 days from her... . begging me to let her coparent the kids. I have said repeatedly that I will not share any legal rights... .   which is what she wants. Anyway, if she loses, should I let her see them or not? The guilt comes from knowing she loves them and they love her. I am angry that I have been put through this. It has cost me >$3000... .   including filing to change the youngest name and birth certificate. Yet... .   I hurt for her. I know she is totally attached to them. I am afraid of making the wrong decision. I would have never stopped her from seeing them but the evilness of court and lawyers... .   etc makes me angry. Also, if I do allow her to see them will I ever be able to move on emotionally? If I don't allow her to see them... .   how do I deal with the guilt I feel... .   that I let her and the kids develop this close relationship and then put an end to it over actions done to ME.

Could it work? Maybe... .   big maybe. If she could be satisfied with seeing them every few weeks or so at my house. If she could agree not to drink when she is over. If we could both not

[PattyG]

Fall back into our relationship patterns.

[marbleloser]

It sounds to me like you're doing what's best for the kids.If she has alcohol problems,she definately doesn't need to be around them.Nobody can fault you for that.

Yes,she'll blame,accuse,and play on your emotions to get what she wants.Unfortunately,court and lawyers thrive in a high conflict setting.

Are the kids biologically yours and not hers? If so,she doesn't stand a chance.What does your gut tell you,before the guilt sets in?

[PattyG]

The kids are mine and she has no legal relationship. My lawyer is a pitbull and is very confident it will be dismissed that day. My dilemma is ending her relationship with them. I feel like her seeing them and them seeing her would be good initially. They love each other and my kids mention her constantly. But the fact that she doesn't respect me as their mother, is drinking, has no issue betraying me... .   makes me feel like down the road it will get bad. In a perfect world, she could see the kids every other week at my home and give them a chance to detach a bit... .   see her as a family friend and not their parent. But then I think about her creating this drama and it is a win-win for her... .   if she loses she still gets to see the kids. Makes me angry. I pay so much in daycare to support 4 children as a single mom... .   yet she gets the perks of seeing them with no responsibility! Not even sobriety.

[ForeverDad]

A major determining factor is this... .   past history is a strong indicator of future history.  Do you want to risk this happening again in the future?

Regarding the Obligation and Guilt in your F.O.G. ... .   You have every right to reconsider and modify past decisions or promises.  Especially as you accumulate more evidence that they were not fully-informed decisions.

Most certainly, I would not make any promises or assurances in court of future contact with the children.  If you have to say something - such as the court wanting assurance you're not doing anything out of spite or retaliation - then if at all possible leave it vague or open for future consideration at your discretion.  You don't want to be legally obligated to any contact whatsoever in the future - or possibly she could/would try to do this again.

[PattyG]

Thank you FD. I am adamant that I will not give her any legal/documented rights to my kids. I have started to think of it in terms of enabling the A. By letting her see the kids, I basically removed the natural consequence of her actions. I have thought I would pose that if she gets sober and in recovery for 3-6months then I would consider letting her in our lives again. I highly doubt that would happen. This would not be a legal stance but a informal statement