Don't know what to do

[Depression = 72% of members]

So I am a mess! I had a first date with a guy this evening and went on it with no expectation other than to just get out, enjoy myself & his company. That is exactly what I did and we plan to go out again next weekend. In addition my grandmother is extremely ill and most likely will not be around much longer. She asked for her grandchildren to come see her one last time. So tomorrow I am flying to go see her as are the rest of my siblings. I get home from my date and checking my email and I have an email from him asking me how I am doing. What the heck? Seriously could he pick the worst time to try and establish contact. I'm so mixed up part of me wants to reply the other part wants to ignore. Last I heard from him was a wish you the best & now I have an email asking me how I am doing.  Ugh what to do!

[Lol4fun]

So I am a mess! I had a first date with a guy this evening and went on it with no expectation other than to just get out, enjoy myself & his company. That is exactly what I did and we plan to go out again next weekend. In addition my grandmother is extremely ill and most likely will not be around much longer. She asked for her grandchildren to come see her one last time. So tomorrow I am flying to go see her as are the rest of my siblings. I get home from my date and checking my email and I have an email from him asking me how I am doing. What the heck? Seriously could he pick the worst time to try and establish contact. I'm so mixed up part of me wants to reply the other part wants to ignore. Last I heard from him was a wish you the best & now I have an email asking me how I am doing.  Ugh what to do!

[love4meNOTu]

hi...

ok, this is the one time where I would ask you to think with your head, and not your heart.

You do realize that once a pwBPD begins devaluing, it never goes back to idealization?

I know you hurt, I know adrenalin is flowing through your body... . I know you want to react.

Don't do it. Wait five minutes. If you can wait that long, wait another 5. If you can get all the way to 20 minutes the adrenalin will be gone from your body and you can make a rational decision.

Some people never learn this, and spend their lives reacting to everything. Makes for a very unpleasant and stressful life. Don't be one of 'em.

Hugs,

L

[RecycledNoMore]

Delete.

Get on with your life.

He aint worth 1 more second of your time.

[State85]

What recycled said... .

[Lol4fun]

IDK and I'm a fool as I replied yet all I said was Hi I'm headed to FL tomorrow how are you? To which he replied I'm good. is your Grandmom OK? To which I replied IDK she asked to see all her grandkids so we are all going. Didn't get into anything more than that. Didn't tell him I missed him didn't anything else. I'd like to be his friend but know there is no way I can date him. Only way that would ever happen is if he got help and that would even have to be like years of help and then there would be no promises I would still be around. I'm not dumb to what pain he has causes me yet there is part of me that wants that apology and to then tell him it's gone because of the choices he made.

[arn131arn]

hi...

ok, this is the one time where I would ask you to think with your head, and not your heart.

You do realize that once a pwBPD begins devaluing, it never goes back to idealization?

I know you hurt, I know adrenalin is flowing through your body... . I know you want to react.

Don't do it. Wait five minutes. If you can wait that long, wait another 5. If you can get all the way to 20 minutes the adrenalin will be gone from your body and you can make a rational decision.

Some people never learn this, and spend their lives reacting to everything. Makes for a very unpleasant and stressful life. Don't be one of 'em.

Hugs,

L

love,

What do you mean once the devaluing begins there is never going to be idealization?  Is this with anyone?  If she devalued her dad her whole life, why the hell does she think he is the KING today?

Just curious, if that's the case she started devaluing me one year into our 14 year relationship.  No wonder why she was looking to kill me in August!

[love4meNOTu]

Because she needs her father. Can't "replace" him.

We are replaceable.

L

[Perfidy]

IDK and I'm a fool as I replied yet all I said was Hi I'm headed to FL tomorrow how are you? To which he replied I'm good. is your Grandmom OK? To which I replied IDK she asked to see all her grandkids so we are all going. Didn't get into anything more than that. Didn't tell him I missed him didn't anything else. I'd like to be his friend but know there is no way I can date him. Only way that would ever happen is if he got help and that would even have to be like years of help and then there would be no promises I would still be around. I'm not dumb to what pain he has causes me yet there is part of me that wants that apology and to then tell him it's gone because of the choices he made.

You aren't a fool. We've all done this. You haven't made up your mind what you want. It's part of the detachment. It's hard... . you gotta figure out what you want. If you knew what you want, the reply would have been firm one way or the other. Fear,obligation,and guilt are driving you right now. It's hard and it takes time to learn how to change your behavior. These relationships are tough. I know how hard this is.

[love4meNOTu]

do not be hard on yourself here... you are not a fool. No way.

I said the same about myself a couple of months ago when I did the same as you.

Unfortunately, it did a number on me, and I ended up having to be hospitalized for depression.

I would not wish the same for you.

God bless,

L

[Lol4fun]

Thanks for all the kind words and with out this board I probably would have said/engaged more with him outside of the simple replies I gave him. You are all correct I haven't fully detached but, at the same time know he is unhealthy. Still not sure if he knew I was out on a date or knew about my Grandmom & that is what sparked him emailing me. At one time months ago we were FB friends but after the first cycle of break up/make up I defriended him and never refriended him. My settings allow only friends to see what I post. However, back when we were friends he was tagged in a picture I took. When I defriended him I took the pic off my timeline but it is still in one of my albums. Could this possible allow him to be able to see what is posted then on my page? You know like a loop hole?

So outside of me replying "Hey I'm leaving for FL tomorrow how are you" and my response to him asking about my Grandmom and the reply I stated in previous post. He replied back "Hope things go well :-). whatever that means. Safe travels".  I did not reply to that last reply of his and won't tomorrow or the next day or the day after that. I feel good in the responses I did give because I didn't provide him any info regarding me or what type of state I am in just kept it factual. I feel or I should say my intuition thinks he was trying to fish for me to tell him I miss him and what not. Thing is I'm not going to do that. He has hurt me enough that my feelings/emotions are on lockdown and are only going to be trusted/shared with those who's actions show me that I can trust them likewise they can trust me. Regardless of whatever he might else say I'm not running back. I have way too many friends and family members that would disown me if I did and frankly they all mean more to me than him bc I know I can count on them and they will always be there for me. Him he has shown me the exact opposite I he wants to be my friend that's fine yet I won't be the one putting forth the effort. I enjoyed my time with the guy I went out with tonight. He seems healthy & that was both new different but also refreshing. I thanked him for the enjoyable evening etc and he thanked me as well and asked me if I would like to go out again next Friday. I accepted and he said great I will reach out & touch base with you in a couple of days and we can discuss what we might like to go do on Friday. So, I know I'll hear from him in a couple days then see him Friday. I won't be bombarded with tons of text msgs between now & then or really before Friday. I actually kind of like that. Gives me things to actually talk about etc when we actually have our date. With the past guy from day one was texting me 24/7. It moved way to fast. Slow is what I

need & right now I'm just enjoying getting to know someone new with no expectations.

[arn131arn]

Because she needs her father. Can't "replace" him.

We are replaceable.

L

But Love he and her hited up as a football bat mother are the reason she is the way she is... .

You mean to tell me they can't see this hit?

[fromheeltoheal]

Mine wanted to be "friends" too after we split; my take is a borderline knows on some level that too close triggers them, so "friends" is a way to get the good without the bad.  But that triggers a borderline anyway, the push/pull kicks in, and it's off to the races again, something they cannot control, the same old seeking an attachment that won't abandon them, too close, engulfment, yadda, yadda.

But that's mine, and maybe yours.  Thinking about it objectively, if someone treated me the way she did they would not be qualified to be my friend.  Something to look at strongly is your motivation for wanting to be his friend; my sense is you want some level of closure with him, something we all wanted as the crazy ended, and we find out we can only give it to ourselves.  Take care of you!

[Changingman]

They don't have 'friends', they haven't the emotional capacity for it. This is why they sleep with everyone, no sense of what relationships are.

You're no fool, just got involved with crazy. No one is equipped to deal with this stuff, therapists trained to deal with them burn out.

Everything to do with them is twisted and strange, no contact is for you to get space to get some emotional normalicy back into your life, it's not for punishment for them or you.

Trying to live and understand them is exhausting, I burnt out in January 2013 at least. And then it was my fault that the RS was over, just stinky thinking. All the betrayals and poisonous decisions I had to deal with, the constant crisis and chaos, none of it her fault of course... .

Still using me for all her needs as she had a 6 month affair. Weaving a web of lies to distract me. I can now see that this was the norm for the entire RS, the idealisation stage was the purest deciet and betrayal. The bit we all thought was the best bit actually was the worst. They know what they are.

I have cut all ties with her, because I had to. They are empty predators disguised as humans. Ugh I need another shower.

All that emotion in them and it all adds up to zero.

Closure?

They are empty husks

Their are good people out there, don't waste your time with rainbows they are optical illusions

Good luck

[free-n-clear]

I'd like to be his friend

NOOoo!

Friendship with a BPDex means you still cop all the bad stuff, as having been more than friends, you'll keep triggering them, as much as you try not to. As for the good stuff, they'll be giving it to someone else. All a friendship will do is delay the inevitable.

[Lol4fun]

IDK I think one could be friends with them on the same level that one is friends with the person who is an alcoholic. It all ends up being to what degree I invest myself. My version of friends isn't me picking up the phone calling him & having a convo nor texting him or what not so maybe friend isn't the word but friendly acquaintance. Meaning I am certainly not going to be the one to keep it afloat or to nurture it if you don't have high expectations to begin with less likely to get burned and with people I'm friends with  well with them I have no problem dropping them and not looking bad nor feeling bad if they treat me bad we don't need to be friends. For some reason it's in dating r/a where I have the inability to kick em to the curb. He is no longer my bf so... . And your right for me him even contacting me is a little bit of that closure I needed for the r/s part.

[State85]

My exgf wants to be friends. Says she can be my best friend. I doubt it.

What makes you think all the manipulation, deceit, lying,etc will stop? They're still a pwBPD.

Just don't think it's possible.

[Lol4fun]

Bc it all depends how much stock you want to put into it. I don't plan to put much. I don't sit around all day thinking about what each and every one of my friends are doing thus it will be no different with him.  I did go and delete any photos he was tagged in on my FB even though we are not FB friends just in case that is how he had been trying to find info on me.

[free-n-clear]

My exgf wants to be friends. Says she can be my best friend. I doubt it.

What makes you think all the manipulation, deceit, lying,etc will stop? They're still a pwBPD.

Just don't think it's possible.

  My uBPDxgf wanted to remain friends after I ended the r/s. "I don't want to lose your friendship" to quote her verbatim. I gave it a shot, only because we had been friends for a long time before the r/s. I was her "best friend in the world", she told me, told her kids, told her mother and brothers.

  All it meant was that I was still there to be raged at, lied to, & painted black and to provide emotional & financial support. When she wanted to get laid, she'd go see my (former)mate, and take pleasure in rubbing it in my face. Friendship? With a BPDex? There's no such thing.

  Patientandclear (no relation, as far as I know  ) summed it up well in another thread: (From the pwBPDs perspective) Friendship = you keep giving me everything you always have, and I'm free to be as present or absent as I like at any given time, with no rules or accountability, and no matter what I do, you've already given me permission.

[Lol4fun]

Well who knows I may never here a peep again from him or I might & who knows he could still have his new gf. I have boundaries and I plan to keep them he can only hurt me to the extent I allow him too.

[State85]

My exgf wants to be friends. Says she can be my best friend. I doubt it.

What makes you think all the manipulation, deceit, lying,etc will stop? They're still a pwBPD.

Just don't think it's possible.

  My uBPDxgf wanted to remain friends after I ended the r/s. "I don't want to lose your friendship" to quote her verbatim. I gave it a shot, only because we had been friends for a long time before the r/s. I was her "best friend in the world", she told me, told her kids, told her mother and brothers.

  All it meant was that I was still there to be raged at, lied to, & painted black and to provide emotional & financial support. When she wanted to get laid, she'd go see my (former)mate, and take pleasure in rubbing it in my face. Friendship? With a BPDex? There's no such thing.

  Patientandclear (no relation, as far as I know  ) summed it up well in another thread: (From the pwBPDs perspective) Friendship = you keep giving me everything you always have, and I'm free to be as present or absent as I like at any given time, with no rules or accountability, and no matter what I do, you've already given me permission.

My exgf wanted the same thing... . I'll be your best friend, you are a huge part of my life, I need your friendship... . blah, blah, blah... .