Mother has small cell carcinoma

[disorderedsociety]

So I usually don't talk to my mother, very LC because I suspect she has BPD or bipolar, maybe both. History of abuse, head injuries from abuse, etc. She's very fundamentalist Christian in the sense that she believes faith healing will cure her cancer. She did chemo for 6 months but it wreaked havoc so I can understand how she'd choose a higher quality of life in a shorter period over a low quality and still, death. Still she clings to the, "God will heal me" narrative. She has a couple of men who are apparently interested in her and I'm afraid this is because they know she's dying and they want what little she has. Fortunately she's too afraid of close relationships to do anything and doesn't trust them. Shame there are sick people like that in the churches.

It was painful the other night to see her in bed wheezing and with fluid in her lungs by the sound of it. Apparently she has had brain tumors so I suspect its in its late stages where it has spread from the lungs to other parts of her body. She didn't mention a prognosis and there seems to be a certain level of denial. I'm her only child so the responsibility of choosing how much to give of my own time is on my shoulders. So far its been ok, other than her coming to my workplace to talk to me because I'd blocked her on my phone. She hasn't been as temperamental lately and I can see why, as a disease like cancer will humble you quickly.

It'll be strange being 24 and having neither parent. Dad fled the country after I was born. Is it normal to have feelings of almost... .looking forward to her passing away? It makes me feel like a crappy person.

[Naughty Nibbler]

I'm so sorry for what you are going through.  You aren't alone with your mixed feeliings.  I've had a similar situation and others likely have as well.

The uBPD in my life is my sister.  My father was a mixed bag of mental health issues.  Was he uBPD?  Perhaps.  He had anxiety and anger issues, depression that appearred to be seasonal (SAD) and perhaps a bit ADD & OCD.  I don't know how my mom tolerated him, but she did.  It was a relief for me, when I left home to live on my own.  

At 92, both my parent's health was beginning to decline.  My dad wouldn't have gone to any "retirement home" and he was resistant to anyone coming into his own home, other than family.  That presented a very difficult situation, as my uBPD sister and I had to work together to do our best to take care of our parents during their sudden failing health.  This was the time when the wheels really fell off the bus in regard to my sister, as my sister proceeded to paint me black.

I'll always remember the day, my dad fell and broke his neck.  My mom had already been in the hospital for several days and was just diagnosed with pulmonary fibrosis and pneumonia at 92.  My sister and I had to take turns spending the night with our dad at their home.  On that particular day, my sister had already hung up the phone during two recent phone conversations (on a previous day). One hang up was just because I called one hospital to inquire about a transfer for our mom.  My sister wanted the transfer, but she went into a rage because I made a call and inquired.  Then, my sister hung up during another phone call, because she went into another rage, when she choose to argue about some small thing that wasn't important. (she couldn't move on, when I said, let's move onto talk about ______)

So, on the day my dad fell, my sister was giving me "the silent treatment".  I came over to my parent's home and my sister just left without speaking to me. She, then, came back into the house, via the back yard.  Apparently, she forgot something. So, she spent some time, unnoticed in a hallway, and listened to me talk to my dad about her behavior.  I hadn't learned about the traits of BPD at the time and was beside myself with torment in trying to deal with my sister.  Boy, did my sister go into a rage when she left for the 2nd time that night.

Not a pleasant way to transition from one caretaker to the next (changing of the guard, so to speak).  So, there I was, planning to spend the night with my dad (not knowing what day my sister might come back again).  My dad had already had a couple of falls within the last 12 months.  My dad was using his rolling walker when he fell, it happened so qickly.  It was starting to get dark. As I walked over to a lamp to turn it on, I could see my dad start to tip over.  I couldn't get to him in time to try and break the fall.

As I quickly looked for the handset for their cordless phone, to call 911, thoughts went through my mind that perhaps it was a blessing that my dad may have had a heart attack or stroke that would lead to a swift death. (I didn't know he had a broken neck at that time).  I felt a guilty sense of relief (was it joy?).  WOW, how could I have those thoughts.  But, I knew I couldn't live through the hell of dealing with my sister (I had no idea of how to deal with the monster she became)    Caring for easy going loved ones can be tough, but how does one handle the end-of-life care for a difficult man and share it with a uBPD sister?

In some ways, I'm still working through the guilt for feeling some relief that my dad passed a week later (and that he likely had a fatal event at the time of his fall).  In other way, I think that it was a mercyful blessing.  I knew my dad would have been extremely difficult to place in a care facility.  He wouldn't go willingly.  Even if I had the greatest sister in the world, I don't know how long I could have continued to alternate living with my parents.  

My dad, did survive for a week of hospitalization and surgery, but then passed.  A broken neck is hard to come back from at any age.  My mom survived for another 5 months, but bounced back and forth between hospitals and skilled nursing facilities.  My mom said something, during a lucid moment of her 5-month ordeal of declining health - ":)arn, I always hoped I'd just die one day (sudden death from stroke, heart attack, etc.)"  Hearing her say that, made me feel less guilty about my thoughts about my dad. I now think that my dad would likely have shared my mom's thoughts.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.  It can be confusing to collect our thought and feelings when a family member is at the end of their life.

Is there something you would like to ask or tell your mom before she passes?  My family was never a warm fuzzy, "share your feelings" kind of family, or prone to hugging, kissing or saying "I love you".  Because of that, I wasn't able to say anything reflective on my parent's death beds.

[Kwamina]

Hi disorderedsociety,

I am sorry to hear this about your mom. In spite of everything that has happened, she is still your mother and I can imagine seeing her like this isn't easy for you. Especially considering your dad isn't around and you being an only child.

When you have a disordered parent, I think it is understandable that you would want the stress and conflict to cease. Do you think that might be why you 'have feelings of almost looking forward to her passing away"?

Take care

[P.F.Change]

Hi, disorderedsociety,

It must be difficult watching your mother in this stage of cancer. I was pretty young when I saw my grandmother in the same condition, and even though I loved her I remember wishing for her suffering to end.

Is it normal to have feelings of almost... .looking forward to her passing away? It makes me feel like a crappy person.

I do think this is a common feeling among those of us who have had very stressful relationships with very unhappy parents. I have had similar thoughts about my mother as I did about my grandmother. It's not that I wish her ill or want her to die; I just want her to stop being miserable. I agree with Kwamina, also, in that I think it's understandable for you to want your own stress in the relationship to end, too.

Wishing you peace,

PF

[Narkiss]

My mother has non-small cell lung cancer and is very sick. She is diagnosed NPD. I feel conflict and guilt but yes, I almost look forward to her passing. I have a mother who has never cared about me and when the chips are down --and even when they're not --thinks only of herself. I have no feelings for her other than a desire to get away. It is like caring for a stranger, one I don't particularly like