love equals money?

[sisi]

Hello everybody,

As you can guess from the title, we have a big problem here.

My father in law has passed away recently. We're now trying to solve the matter of inheritance.

The situation is like this: Three years ago, he told us that he was going to write a will and that he was going to leave everything to his two children.

My mother in law had recently inherited two apartments from both her parents and she had conveniently stolen some documents and put a property that belonged to both of them in her name. So he said that she has been taking care of herself and he felt that he now should take care of his children.

But the problem is that we don't find the will.

We've never seen the will, but his best friend told us that he has seen it, so it should exist. But there is no trace of it.

The problem is that my mother in law did find a will that was from the eighties, from before my sister in law was even born and that says that he leaves everything to her.

My husband still wants to give her the benefit of the doubt, but I'm 100% sure that she took it and that she's hiding it in her appartment.

The problem is: how do we prove this?

As long as there is no proof, we cannot do anything legally, according to our lawyer.

Does anyone have any suggestions?

Thanks!

[ForeverDad]

Did he use a lawyer to prepare it?  If so, then that lawyer should have a copy.

If your friend isn't sure, and you have access to his account records and checkbooks, look for any checks or charges with lawyers.  Call them.

[sfbayjed]

Wow, that is so low. I bet that is exactly what happened. It must be horible not having a conscience or empathy for people and not being able to realize or accept it. Being able to be so low and despicable and justifing to yourself.  i would hate to live like that.

I bet you are not like that. It sounds like she is and all the money in the world wont change her. She will always life on a shallow level concerned with herself at the expence of others, what a horible way to live.

She might get away with it. Be happy you arent like her. Material value is nothing compared to that.

[Her Mama]

I do hate this for you and your spouse.  Unfortunately, someone that selfish, most likely, would not have kept the evidence around.  If there was another will, it has likely been destroyed.  Prior suggestions are truly your best bet.  Try to find any attorneys who may have had dealings with your father-in-law.  Perhaps a sworn statement by the friend you mentioned may help you?

[Waddams]

Just had one more thought.  Do you have access to financial records that could show any lawyers he paid?  If you can get the records, you might be able to go through them and find it.

[sisi]

I was just wondering if your BPD ever stole important stuff from you, like documents or refused to give back stuff that has an emotional value to you.

It has happened a lot with my uBPDmil and I'm trying to figure out weather it's a common thing related to the BPD or just character flaw that's "unique" to her.

Thanks for your replies

[sisi]

My mother in law is the most greedy person I ever met. She married my father in law for his money and when he died last year, she stole his will (in which he leaves everything to his two children) and came up with the will she had him write when she moved in with him, that said everything is hers.

She is currently having a dement elderly aunt write a will that leaves everything to her. She is generally acting like a vulture: when she hears someone is old or dying, she's all around them to take care of them in exchange for leaving all their posessions to her.

The other thing is that she seems incapable to feel love. She's not able to give it, but she also doesn't feel it when she gets it. When I met my husband 7 years ago, he was totally living her fantasy: she was the all-good-poor-victim-of-all-those-bad-people (who, to me seemed not bad at all) She possesed 4 houses at that time and was still asking her son, who just graduated to support her financially. My husband actually gave her a huge amount of money at that time. When we moved in together we were living in the red, while he had just given her all of his savings from having worked a whole year night and day.

Now that my husband is more and more seeing the real her and is able to look at it from a distance and see the facts, he is not giving her any money anymore. (especially, since she stole that will, which we cannot prove, and therefore cannot take any legal steps against her)

But the funny thing is that this results in her saying that we don't love her anymore.

Does anyone else have this extreme feeling that in their person with a PD's eyes money equals love?

And if you don't give them money, then you don't love them anymore?

Thanks for your replies

[Coral]

My stars... .My BPD sister went into overdrive when her father-in-law and mother-in-law died together in a car wreck.  She went up and beyond what her husband wanted.  Bulldozer comes to mind.  She was more single-minded than a Titan missile.  Get an excellent estate fatty and good luck.

[Befuddled 7x70]

My grandfather, while I was caring for him before he died, told me that he left money to me in his will.  My mother angrily mentioned one time when he wanted to give my DH and I money before he died (and she wouldn't let him) that we'd get it eventually.  Of course, after he died nothing surfaced from that.  I am not greedy so I never brought it up, but I can imagine that since she was his executor and most of his things were transferred over to her name she figures she doesn't need to "pay up".  I remember her saying that I would get her money when she died - I can imagine that she figures she'll just hold on to my grandfather's money for save keeping (unless of course she needs it before she passes). 

I really don't give a d*%m about the money - I just prefer never seeing her again- that is the richest inheritance I can give my own children!     

[Befuddled 7x70]

On a side note - it seems to me that my uBPD mother thinks that spending money does really equal love.  She likes to pay for things and buy presents for people and equates how much you spend on her to how much you love her.  Christmas was always exhausting because she would buy so much for people.  They were always what she thought we should have rather than what we really liked or needed, and expected a great deal of appreciation for it.  (I guess that is where my inheritance went!  LOL)

I really do believe since they don't understand or are able to fill their "love tanks" they have to have some sort of way to judge and give love and money certainly has a value.

I remember at Valentine's Day I was saying that I didn't like the holiday because I don't want my DH buying me gifts just because it is deemed necessary by Hallmark.  I want him to give things to me because he loves me and not because he is required to.  She said that she doesn't really care why my enDad does things for her as long as he does it.  REALLY?  Giving out of obligation and under threat of rage and terror if he didn't is really rewarding to her?  Not for me!

[Coral]

Please forgive my typo.    Estate fatty SHOULD read estate fatty.   

[Coral]

LOL.   one more time... .estate fatty should read estate atty.

Y

[DesertChild]

1. Consider if you want the entanglement.

2. Do you know what lawyers he paid? Plus on a will there has to be witnesses outside of the people who inherit. It's likely he used the same lawyer for all those years and the same witnesses.

3. Consider if you want the entanglement.

[daughter05]

Hire a qualified attorney to help you navigate the situation.  It's worth it.  Wills and estates seem to bring out the worst in BPD-persons.  A close friend recently had to unexpectedly battle with her siblings, when they unexpectedly decided to exclude their two adopted siblings (against parents' direction and will stipulations) from parents' estate's asset distributions.  One sibling, an attorney, even illegally gained access to her personal safety deposit box at her bank twice to document contents (including her own will), while another may have burglarized her home to steal family jewelry previously given to her by her mother.  My friend ultimately prevailed, but it required attorney time and two years of wrangling to settle parents' assets fairly per will stipulations.  Her relationship with her siblings is severed forever.

My uBPD (w/NPD traits) mom calcuates: "love = money".  She gifts family members with cash, because she's unwilling to purchase presents unless a specific desired gift is identified beforehand by gift-recipient (or GR's mom, more often).  She expects the amount of cash gift (often $500) to be announced to all attendees, and then inevitably crows "$500, that's nothing to me".

My mom became very irrational after my grandparents died, during the probate period.  She initiated near brawls with my aunt, the executor, in different bank parking lots, as they identified and closed bank accounts.  She repeatedly accused my aunt of "stealing", though my aunt's far too honest (and hen-pecked by mom) to have ever considered to do so.  When my aunt offered me several items from my grandparents home, my mom called me "greedy" and demanded I give her several items, though she had first (and unlimited) choice herself.  Immediately upon the estate being settled, she banished my aunt, her only living relative, and my aunt's family, instructed us to "no longer speak to them, or see them, ever."

Now, while estate was being settled, DH and I decided to move 20 minutes from my parents neighborhood, for easily justifiable reasons unrelated to my BPD-enmeshed family situation.  Within two months, my mom calculatedly and deliberately said something so horrific to me, that I stopped talking to her.  Within a month, my parents "gifted" their $700,000 2nd home to my nsis, which is recorded on county's web-site in deed of conveyance.  (Other very valuable real estate was shifted to mom's full ownership.)  Two months later, my mom unexpectedly visited me to tell me that I'd "made her unhappy my entire life", that I was "seeing a therapist, and if so must stop immediately because therapist only blames mother", that I'm "jealous of nsis", and finally, that "there would be reprecussions for my move".  Yet I still re-engaged for a decade of "Medium Chill" and "limited contact", only to discover the depth of her malevolence, further enabled by my seeming tolerance given my continued presence.  After their "gift to nsis" was revealed by dad, in mom's frantic presence, her dismissive and mean behavior towards me multipled to point of near impossibility to ignore.  She became blatantly rude and disrespectful, under the guise of "I am who I am; I can't change; you need to accept it", a version of which my endad parrots at me too.  I've been disowned, despite my decades of loyal dutiful obedient daughterliness; as the FOO's designated scapegoat and unloved daughter, I finally recognized our relationship was irrepairable.