Set a boundary--we shall see.

[GaGrl]

I'm reminded of a great comment I once heard:

"I was 40 years old before I realized the 'No' is a complete sentence."

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

I'm reminded of a great comment I once heard:

"I was 40 years old before I realized the 'No' is a complete sentence."

I love this!  Can I steal this saying?

[jedimaster]

Going to take care of me for a while and get the house/yard in manageable order. 

Got several replies to my last CL ad, someone is coming for the last two adult goats this afternoon, and my neighbor called and is putting sideboards on his truck to help me take the large hog to the butcher.  I'm almost done farming.  With luck I might make it out completely before 2015.   

[formflier]

 

Hoping you will be bringing the hog home for dinner... .

Will make for entertaining table talk!

[jedimaster]

Well the lady and her two daughters just drove off with the goats.  They're going to a very nice home.  They were our first goats and even though I'm glad to be getting out of this I was a little attached.  Goats have very outgoing personalities and they will grow on you if you're not careful  

On the other hand, I called the processor I was going to use and they aren't taking any hogs until March.  It's deer season and they're doing nothing but venison right now.  So I may have to call one a little farther away.  City folk got no clue... . 

But things are finally starting to ease up around here.  I can already tell a difference in the feed bill and in how much time I spend feeding and caring for stock.  In the home stretch.

Oh, and yes, FF, this guy is going in the freezer.  I am looking forward to some nice homegrown ham.   

[formflier]

 

I miss our goats... .

I know exactly what you mean... .

For me... .bees were my favorite.  And tastiest.   We still have some hives and may put some out this spring.  We have skipped it for a couple of years.

Goats were next... .

[jedimaster]

I miss our goats... .

I know exactly what you mean... .

For me... .bees were my favorite.  And tastiest.   We still have some hives and may put some out this spring.  We have skipped it for a couple of years.

Goats were next... .

We tried bees.  Three times and hundreds of dollars' worth.  I built the hives myself.  As a matter of fact, this whole thing started with bees.  She went to beekeeping classes, spent a fortune on equipment, had me out building hives to avoid spending even more, got her hives set up, took a bunch of selfies and some videos, and promptly lost interest.  This last time I tried to care for them even though I am somewhat allergic to stings, and thus could have a reaction without warning.  When I caught the same swarm three times and they still left, I quit.  I find the whole hobby of beekeeping very fascinating, but with CCD they have become a risky proposition and take some pretty intensive management, the very things I'm trying to get away from.

[Cat Familiar]

We tried bees.  Three times and hundreds of dollars' worth.  I built the hives myself.  As a matter of fact, this whole thing started with bees.  She went to beekeeping classes, spent a fortune on equipment, had me out building hives to avoid spending even more, got her hives set up, took a bunch of selfies and some videos, and promptly lost interest.  This last time I tried to care for them even though I am somewhat allergic to stings, and thus could have a reaction without warning.  When I caught the same swarm three times and they still left, I quit.  I find the whole hobby of beekeeping very fascinating, but with CCD they have become a risky proposition and take some pretty intensive management, the very things I'm trying to get away from.

My neighbors have chickens and their coop and fenced area is near my driveway. Every time I walk by there, I notice that there are fewer chickens because they don't seem to remember to close them in at night and I know that skunks and foxes live nearby. So many people have this rural fantasy, but have no idea of the reality of how much work it takes to sustain it. You sound like a very patient and tolerant man.

[formflier]

 

Luckily I have never faced CCD... .but I have heard stories that make me cringe.

That is a very serious problem... .hopefully they will figure out CCD soon... .

[jedimaster]

My wife has said she's going to try to find a job after the first of the year when her foot surgery heals.  She has been quite successful in several different jobs over the years, so maybe that will be good for her.  We shall see.

OK this should be interesting.  She went to her orthopedist yesterday.  She is not released yet but she can walk without crutches.  Today she called and said she has a job interview Friday.  It is at the gym where we used to have a membership.  It got "too expensive" (meaning it was coming out of her account not mine), so she dropped it.

I will be very interested to see:

a.  Whether she gets the job and what kind of job she gets.

b.  How she reacts if she gets one.  In general the times she's worked outside the home she's been easier to deal with.

c.  How much load she thinks I will take on because "she has to work".

d.  Her reaction when I don't try to run the entire house and make things utterly convenient for her and do my own job.

e.  Whether a free membership comes with this job 

This oughta be fun... .

[GaGrl]

I'm reminded of a great comment I once heard:

"I was 40 years old before I realized the 'No' is a complete sentence."

I love this!  Can I steal this saying?

Hah! Absolutely.

[jedimaster]

My wife has said she's going to try to find a job after the first of the year when her foot surgery heals.  She has been quite successful in several different jobs over the years, so maybe that will be good for her.  We shall see.

OK this should be interesting.  She went to her orthopedist yesterday.  She is not released yet but she can walk without crutches.  Today she called and said she has a job interview Friday.  It is at the gym where we used to have a membership.  It got "too expensive" (meaning it was coming out of her account not mine), so she dropped it.

I will be very interested to see:

a.  Whether she gets the job and what kind of job she gets.

b.  How she reacts if she gets one.  In general the times she's worked outside the home she's been easier to deal with.

c.  How much load she thinks I will take on because "she has to work".

d.  Her reaction when I don't try to run the entire house and make things utterly convenient for her and do my own job.

e.  Whether a free membership comes with this job 

This oughta be fun... .

Well, she got the job.  It is cleaning, 15 hours a week.  They told her she was way overqualified, which she is; she has held professional positions before.  But she seems to be purposely going after low-skill, low-wage jobs. Either she's trying to "prove" she's not worthy of something better, or she wants to "show" me what a sacrifice she is having to make since I stopped letting her spend every penny we have.  But whatever.

She seemed rather matter of fact; neither positive nor negative.  I think the fact she could go out and get one fairly quickly was a bit of a boost to her, in spite of her motives. 

Of course the comments hinting that I may have to "help" her have already started, but I'm not going to set the firm boundary just yet.  She has to go Monday morning to process in, which conflicts with our son's Special Olympics basketball.  I have agreed to take him that morning since it will be her first day and she doesn't know her schedule yet.  But I said that I'd be glad to help this time to get her started and we'd have to see about the rest of it.  Of course she won't see it this way but I am reserving the right to say no if it interferes with my own job.

As for the rest, we shall see.  And yes, she does get a gym membership; she was actually excited about that.  Don't know if it's for family.

[formflier]

 

Remind me... .what happens when you ask for help?

If it's mutual... .you help her... she helps you... .then it could be good thing... .

If it's only supposed to be a one way street... I would let her "explain that fully... "

[GaGrl]

This could be a terrific time for a "division of responsibility" conversation, couched as a family meeting. Or is that too close to a normal family activity?

[jedimaster]

Remind me... .what happens when you ask for help?

If it's mutual... .you help her... she helps you... .then it could be good thing... .

If it's only supposed to be a one way street... I would let her "explain that fully... "

When I ask for help?  Surely you jest... .  When I ask for help, I am informed as to how little I actually do and how much her "caregiving" duties demand of her and how exhausting all of that is, and if I were more thoughtful and considerate of all she does I would do even more than I do, not expect more of her. 

"Mutual" in her dictionary means she grudgingly almost agrees that she should do something, but begins backtracking from any commitment almost immediately and eventually just stops doing anything she may have sort of agreed to.

I have tried the "explain it to me" and the "help me understand" many times.  What I get is a Long and Winding Road that would make John Lennon jealous.  I haven't had any luck getting any results from that approach and I've concluded that being dragged around in verbal circles isn't worth the effort.

The approach I tried with the farm seems to be working so far. Basically just state my terms and stick to them.  It will cause a ruckus I'm sure but in the end it seems to work.

I did say to her directly that I would help out Monday to get her started off but I could not promise anything beyond that.  Now what she heard in her reality I don't know yet.  But I have come too far in my journey this year to go back.  When she was working before she made accommodations for work just like the rest of us.  I'm hopeful that when she gets back to work she will fall back into that habit, even though she doesn't practice it now.  I have to make concessions for my job even though I work from home, and I'm going to expect the same standard.  We'll see... .


BTW, I really have tried these over and over.  I don't intend to come off as not appreciating your advice.  I hate it when somebody asks me for advice and then proceeds to shoot down everything I tell them.  That's really not what I'm trying to do here.  I really appreciate everyone's input even it it's something I have tried and haven't had much luck with.

[Cat Familiar]

When I ask for help?  Surely you jest... ."Mutual" in her dictionary means she grudgingly almost agrees that she should do something, but begins backtracking from any commitment almost immediately and eventually just stops doing anything she may have sort of agreed to.

I've learned not to ask for help. Sometimes he will notice if I'm unloading groceries from the car and will assist me. Recently I was unloading 50 pound bags of feed and I was surprised he started helping me put them away. But after the first one, he flinched, and told me his back seized up. He continued helping, even though I told him not to, but it was the dramatic martyr performance. Fortunately I hadn't bought too many, so I didn't have to watch it for long. Later when I asked, his back was fine.

There's very little he does around here. He does mow the lawns that he paid a landscaper to install. (I would have grown vegetables in those areas. The lawns are pretty, but we're in a drought so I'm not really happy using our well water on something that isn't otherwise useful.) And he does haul the garbage and recycling to the dump once a month, but only after it gets to the point where it's nearly impossible to add anything more to the cans.

When we were celebrating the holidays with friends, they were talking about hiring a cleaning crew for both their home and their office. My husband talked about hiring help to clean his studio (the one area of our residence that I don't clean). I heard him say how overwhelmed he was and that he just didn't have time to do it. (Because he's retired and he spends all his days watching ball games and movies and playing with his cameras (not taking photos, but buying more camera equipment online and fiddling with the dozen cameras he has). I was just astonished that he feels that he is so busy that he has no time to clean!

I take care of livestock, the gardens, the house, the household repairs, cook, etc. But he's too busy!  

[jedimaster]

When we were celebrating the holidays with friends, they were talking about hiring a cleaning crew for both their home and their office. My husband talked about hiring help to clean his studio (the one area of our residence that I don't clean). I heard him say how overwhelmed he was and that he just didn't have time to do it. (Because he's retired and he spends all his days watching ball games and movies and playing with his cameras (not taking photos, but buying more camera equipment online and fiddling with the dozen cameras he has). I was just astonished that he feels that he is so busy that he has no time to clean!

I take care of livestock, the gardens, the house, the household repairs, cook, etc. But he's too busy!  

Yep, yep.  We have an adult son w/intellectual disabilities and my elderly mother-in-law who live with us.  She is the "caregiver" for them and actually gets a stipend from VA for her mother's care.  For my MIL, we provide food and shelter, manage her meds and appointments, and furnish her a cellphone.  Other than that, my wife's "caregiving" duties consist of taking her to the beauty shop, Walmart, and Cracker Barrel once a week.  That's it.  She's in good health for her age and even helps out with the dishes and little chores.

Over the last couple of years she has involved my son in more and more activities for adults with special needs, until she now has at least one activity four days a week and some days have two activities.  In addition, where they used to go straight to an activity and come home, now each activity involves a long visit to Starbucks or some other place.  Wednesdays, for example, begin with pizza and shopping at Target, a couple of hours down time at Starbucks, and then his bowling practice.  This is every Wednesday.  But she's too "busy" with the "work" of caregiving to take care of the farm or anything beyond minimal household duties. 

[Cat Familiar]

They certainly manage to carve out fun lives for themselves in spite of all the "work"!