My wife has random heavy mood swings. Often picking random pointless arguments. Most of the arguments are her criticizing me and blaming me for the all the issues in our marriage.
Has you wife always had the random heavy mood swings? Can you pinpoint anything that may be associated with the mood swings? Stressful events, anxiety provoking situations, any particular season of the year (i.e. Winter?). Does your wife work, or is she a stay-at-home mom? Depression, Anxiety, or Bipolar conditions can accompany BPD or BPD traits. Is she willing to get a psychological assessment?
One good strategy is to just don't argue. People with BPD can forget about what they might be arguing about in short order. If you don't engage, the mood is likely to pass with less emotional damage for you. The information at the two links below can be helpful.
STOP ACCUSATIONS AND BLAMINGDON'T JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain)The information within the quotes below might help explain what's going on.
Familiar Fights
We all use defense mechanisms to get us through the day. But people with personality disorders use them to a greater extent, which makes it seem like they're living in their own little world. If you spend too long isolated in a crazy environment, you may start to think in these ways yourself. This is one reason why it's essential that you maintain your friendships--even if your personality disordered family member insists that you give up other people.
Everything Is Your Fault
Continual blame and criticism is another defense mechanism that some people with BPD and NPD who act out use as a survival tool. The criticism may be based on a real issue that the person has exaggerated, or it may be a pure fantasy. . .
If you object to the criticism or try to defend yourself, your loved one may accuse you of being defensive, too sensitive, or unable to accept constructive criticism. Since their very survival seems to be at stake, they may defend themselves with the ferociousness of a mother bear protecting her cubs. When the crisis has passed and the person with BPD seems to have won, they may act surprised that you're still upset.
Feelings Create Facts (emotional reasoning)
. . . When their feelings don't fit the facts, they may unconsciously revise the facts to fit their feelings. This may be one reason why their perception of events is so different from yours. . .
Tag, You're It : A Game of Projection
Some people with BPD or NPD who act out may use a more complicated type of defense mechanism — we've named it "Tag, You're It"- to relieve their anxiety, pain, and feelings of shame. It's more complex because it combines shame, splitting, denial, and projection.
People with BPD (and some with NPD) usually lack a clear sense of who they are, and feel empty and inherently defective. Others seem to run away from them, which is lonely and excruciatingly painful. So borderlines cope by trying to "tag" or "put" these feelings onto someone else. This is called projection.
Projection is denying one's own unpleasant traits, behaviors, or feelings by attributing them (often in an accusing way) to someone else. Projection is like gazing at yourself in a hand-held mirror. When you think you look ugly, you turn the mirror around. Voila! Now the homely face in the mirror belongs to somebody else.
The complete article, with the above quotes, can be found at:
FAMILAR FIGHTSAnother strategy that can be helpful is
DON'T INVALIDATION Check out the article, by clicking on the green words to the left. Validation is not about agreeing with someone about their position on something, it involves validating their feelings. (i.e. I can see that you very angry right now. I need to step away from this conversation. We can resume the discussion when we are both calm, perhaps tomorrow)
Validation can take some practice. There can be different levels of validation and invalidation. An expression or body language can be invalidating or validating. Words can be either validating or invalidating. Sometimes, the best response is to just NOT invalidate.
Our sex life, isn't the greatest but she acts like it is non-existent. One time she wanted to have sex and I wasn't in the mood. She got so upset and threatened to get it somewhere else. Of course, this started an argument
An "I" Statement might work best for you in this situation.
The video at the link below can be a helpful tutorial for using "I" Statements:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RDExNRJCUp0The quote below is a template on how to formulate an "I" Statement.
How To Use I-Statements:
Start by identifying how you feel: mad, sad, frustrated, etc.
I feel __________
State the reason you feel this way or what happened that led you to those feelings.
when __________
Try to identify the reason the person’s actions led to those feelings for you.
because __________
Let the person know what you want instead.
I would like __________ .
Example:
Your spouse snaps at you during dinner and it really hurt your feelings. Here’s an I-statement to use with this scenario:
I feel hurt when you snap at me like that because I worked hard to cook this nice dinner for us. I would like you to use nicer words and tone with me, and to know if something happened today that has led you to be in a bad mood.
Sample 1I had a stressful day at work and I feel very tired tonight. I'm not in the mood for lovemaking. I want to wait until we can have a mutually enjoyable experience. Let's postpone this until tomorrow night (or which ever night is reasonable for you)
Sample 2It's important to me that we are mutually respectful to each other. When you tell me you will go find sex elsewhere, I feel hurt and berated. I won't argue about this. We can agree to postpone this until r ______ or we can talk later, when we are both calm.
The quote below offers a couple of ideas to spice up your sex life
The Crockpot Rule
It may sound counter intuitive, but scheduling sex can make for better sex. Consider that men are microwaves and women are crockpots — they take a lot longer to warm up and need the psychosocial aspect to reach their optimum.
Fantasy Game
If you can't talk about your fantasies, write them down. In a monogamous version of a "key party," each time you have sex, take turns drawing a piece of paper from a jar that contains your partner's fantasies. You never know what exciting event will be in store for you.
