Who paid for everything in the relationship? Just curious? Was it always you?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Did you pay for all the trips, airfare to travel in a long distance relationship? Pay for their housing, their school, their kids, their debts?

I'm so curious!

My exBPDbf was so cheap and never wanted to spend money. He was always trying to get me to pay!

What about your exes?

[Rifka]

Did you pay for all the trips, airfare to travel in a long distance relationship? Pay for their housing, their school, their kids, their debts?

I'm so curious!

My exBPDbf was so cheap and never wanted to spend money. He was always trying to get me to pay!

What about your exes?

[Algae]

Was always me.

She always asked me to buy her stuff online like a new bathing suit... or to go to the store to get her this n that even at 12am.

Or if we went to a concert or something, I'd pay (which i was okay with doing that of course... it is like a date after all)

But she has never paid for a single thing for me.  And never really thanked me as well unless I was like, "Yoourrr... welcome?"

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

Always paid for everything.  Never thanked for anything.

[Pingo]

MEEEEE! I always paid for everything!  I remember thinking early on that he was a bit 'cheap' when we went out, letting me pay for everything (I'm the kind of woman who doesn't expect a guy to pay and will open my wallet quickly).  Then 8 mths into the r/s he got injured at work and was off work for the duration of our r/s.  Even though he got disability and had a side job, he didn't help out with a damn thing, only paid for his truck, gas and insurance.  I am now in such debt b/c I kept believing he was just about to go back to work and start helping out (he was recuperated).  The last year or so I really started to pressure him to get back to work, help out.  So many empty promises, excuses, etc.  And so much denial and codependency on my part!  The ironic part is he got a full time job just weeks before I kicked him to the curb!  Maybe an unconscious part of me was worried he couldn't take care of himself and once he got a job he'd be okay?  Soo dysfunctional!

[RedDove]

Hi Rifka, on the first few dates with my ex BPDbf he paid. BUT, he took me to inexpensive places like sports bar/pub type restaurants. Then he started in with the sob "victim" story about how he gave 80% of his paycheck to his wife, not ex wife, supposedly separated for 6 years, not divorced. Don't even know if that is true to this day.  

I then started offering to split meals just so we could go out, do things and have fun. Then it got to the point that because he was always broke, we didn't go out anymore. He didn't want to go out. I paid for take out, he'd always buy/bring the alcohol (alcoholic).

I also paid for the hotel for the two nightmare summer weekends away. He said he'd pay for meals. BUT, then didn't want to leave the hotel room. So all he paid for was take-out subs or pizza. Very cheap! I've been successful in my career and make really good money.

When my ex BPDbf reconnected with me on Facebook 4 years ago, we knew each another 30 years ago in high school, he said he had moved back to his childhood home after his separation. It was in the small town we both grew up in. Same town where I bought my ex husband out of the marital home and currently live. Turned out he lived in a large trailer in the backyard. Said he was fixing up the house on the lot next to his family home. First time I went over to visit him, it was clear from the caved in roof that the house had not been worked on and should be condemned.    So many lies and deceit!

[pieceofme]

i paid for everything. dates, meals, travel expenses... .even clothes. he never said thank you, not once.

on one of our last shopping trips, i was buying a few household items at target. he needed milk (which i don't drink). he put the gallon on the check-out with my stuff. it's only a few dollars, but it was the expectation that i would pay that made me sick.

[Recooperating]

Same here!

Paid his rent, food, debts, trips... .All of it.

In such an idiot... :

[Nicolai]

Oh yeah! I always had to save money to get it all to go around. And she would be angry every time I even mentioned that it was a very unbalanced economy. So yes... But I never linked it to BPD. But it seems to be a pattern here.

[Pingo]

Oh yeah! I always had to save money to get it all to go around. And she would be angry every time I even mentioned that it was a very unbalanced economy. So yes... But I never linked it to BPD. But it seems to be a pattern here.

I think it's a pattern of abuse.

[Nicolai]

Yeah! I quess your right. It is amazing... I am truly honest here. It is amazing how many things one ignore in a relationship, when you blame yourself for every mistake that has been done. Incredible! One can't help but feel like a moron to not be able to observe these things earlier. Ohh... Well... Expensive lesson learned!

[Lion Fire]

I paid for most things except in the beginning when she chipped in her fair share as part of her charm offensive  . At the end she became so entitled that she even complained when I was paying for absolutely everything... .that's when the bar was constantly being raised.

She turned into a real tightwad as time progressed. She became more materialistic and demanding too.

[ugghh]

Married for 26 years - divorced in July, 2014.  It took about three conversations with my L to help him understand that I paid for basically everything and that I could not pay her alimony on top of that.  I sat down and figured out once that 95% of my paycheck went to family related expenses (mortgage, utilities, cars, insurance) etc.  and on 25% of her went to family expenses.  What happened to the balance of her check - more gear for whatever her latest hobby/obsession was plus payment on the $14,000 in debt she racked up without me knowing about it.  It was truly the classic "what is mine is hers and what is hers is hers."

It will take me about 2 years to pay off the mess of debt i took on from the divorce, but that's okay because I now control 100% of my check and spending and find it easy to live within my means.

[Fluff]

It was mixed.

I met my ex in India about the time I ran out of money. So the last month over there she paid for everything so that I wouldn't have to go back home. On the last day, when we were at the airport about to go home to our respective countries, it turned out my plane ticket, that I bought with my last money, hadn't been registered in some way. So she had to buy me a ticket right there for some 600-700$. Later I bought her the tickets to come to me and after that the tickets for me to go to her two times. Usually she was very very generous. Often buying gifts for people and taking care of the bill. It was kind of irritating. But then, she was kind of (secretly) rich and with a need to be liked and in control.

[willtimeheal]

When we first started dating we split everything. Then it slowly became me playing for everything because she was so broke.  Soon I paid her bills and paid for all the get aways and trips.

She would then tell me how this made her feel bad about herself... .me paying for everything.  It made her feel worthless... .but don't worry she still went on all the trips or left magazine pages open to what she wanted. At Christmas last year she gave me a list of what she wanted. I got nothing because she was so broke. A simple I love you would have been nice. At Valentine's day I didn't even get a card. She got expensive jewelry she said she wanted. On her birthday she got mad at me cuz the gift wasn't as expensive as she wanted. I got nothing on my birthday.

[gentquality]

I pay for everything.  One time I told her I need to reduce expenses as I had some big expenses coming up she called me cheap.  But then again she has never even paid her own rent in her life and her only bill is a cellphone

[Rifka]

My exBPDbf gave me the whole sob story, two exes taking all of his money.

I bought into it but refused to pay for anything in the beginning.

Most things we went to were free or I was comped because I ran parties at that venue!

He avoided going out at all costs, I told him that my life is outside because I work from home. He would eat at his house after work to avoid taking me out and spending money. He would then come and spend the night here and leave mornings for work!

He did this for weeks at a time,then I started complaining. He didn't give me any money to help with bills, started moving clothes in and I kept giving them back for him to take home the next day. It was insane. He believed he should pay his and I should pay mine, except he was staying at mine at one point for months at a time. Never even a bag of groceries.

When I finally told him that he can never return, I did get a thank you card thanking me for all he got from me. He saw all of these amazing concerts, was treated like a VIP at events. He was living large walking next to me.

Toward the end he was suggesting that I get a shore home. I was like why so you can have another free hotel to stay at? I don't think so!

Yes I had a feeling that none of the exes took care of anything financially.

My ex complained about buying me a glass of sangria once a week in a place he didn't pay to go in.

Such a loser!

His ex wives said he was the same with them! I believe them over him any day!

[fred6]

Yeah! I quess your right. It is amazing... I am truly honest here. It is amazing how many things one ignore in a relationship, when you blame yourself for every mistake that has been done. Incredible! One can't help but feel like a moron to not be able to observe these things earlier. Ohh... Well... Expensive lesson learned!

When we dated I paid for everything. After moving in with her, we split the household bills. But I usually paid for 80% of everything else. She made more money than be but she was always broke. She wasn't very good with her money.

[Rifka]

Yeah! I quess your right. It is amazing... I am truly honest here. It is amazing how many things one ignore in a relationship, when you blame yourself for every mistake that has been done. Incredible! One can't help but feel like a moron to not be able to observe these things earlier. Ohh... Well... Expensive lesson learned!

When we dated I paid for everything. After moving in with her, we split the household bills. But I usually paid for 80% of everything else. She made more money than be but she was always broke. She wasn't very good with her money.

Fred they are great with their money for them, just not usually for us it seems unless they are wealthy!


Glad to be free and paying my own way without the leech!

[Bak86]

Nope. I did most of it, but that's expected since i'm a man. She did pay for some dates and such.

[drummerboy]

Sorry to be the odd man out. My ex didn't make a lot of money compared to me but she did chip in when she could but towards the end she didn't put her hand in her pocket very often. However, I do recall very early on when she found a necklace that she really liked and she showed it to me saying "I really like this" I replied "yeah it's nice" when she saw that I wasn't going to buy it she purchased it. But on the whole, considering her low income (really erratic work history) she didn't expect me to pay for everything.

[Rifka]

Nope. I did most of it, but that's expected since i'm a man. She did pay for some dates and such.

Yes a gentleman does usually pay and always had in my past relationships. Of course they got many perks, concerts, vacations in return.

This just seemed so strange to me and I had never experienced it before!

  HUGE RED FLAG!  

[lm911]

We always paid 50/50 the biils. She insisted on that and anytime I made an attemp to pay the whole bill, there was an angry beast against me. She thinks that someone paying the bill is like losing her independence.

[peiper]

I paid for just about everything, even though she made more then I. When I asked her why she was not helping out with the bills she blew a gasket and asked why I thought she should support me ! What the heck ?

[outside9x]

Hi, Well I wasn't married but dated her for bit over two years.

She had plenty of money from her previous 3 husbands.  That's not why I dated her though.  SHe was beautiful and charming.  I wasn't concerned about$$ .

In the beginning she would surprise me and buy me shirts.  :)ating once in  awhile in the beginning she would pick up the tab.  She was very generous.

Later when we took our 1st vacation we went 60/40.  The second one was a cruise on one of the largest ships in the ocean.  Over 6,500 passengers.  She had free flyers miles to get us there which was very nice.  I asked her if she could pay for transportation to and from the airport. She agreed and said no problem.

I paid for the vacation which was expensive since we booked so close to the departure date and paid for additional upgrade dinning and of course all drinks and whatever.  I thought that was fair.  

She said nothing for a month and was very happy.  Out of the blue she start to scream how cheap I was to make her paid for the transportation and what kind of man does that and this will be our lives today , on and on.  Then I told her I asked her the week before the trip if that was ok, and she said yes no problem .  She denied it ,  Finally I showed her an email that I sent to her 1 day before the trip thanking her so so much to paid for the transportation to and from the airport.  Her retort was, Sure now you are trying to introduce facts into this argument and called me a Right Fighter!

So in the end she wouldn't pay for anything.  I made sure even if she offered for the tip I would said no, plus 50% of the time before going out she would tell me how poor she was.  Yet months later gets a full facelift, eye lift and chin lift and some laser resurfacing.  Now that's her money and her choice  but you can't cry poor and then do that.  That's at least $25K.

[goldylamont]

I ended up paying for most things in the r/s. But this was never a problem for me in the sense that my ex wasn't materialistic. She made less money than me and also since I ran my businesses out of my home I used more utilities, etc. In the end she fell behind on rent and ended up owing me around $1000. But she was broke and had to pick up a second job as a barista when she moved out to compensate for me not covering for her. She was more uncomfortable about me picking up her slack as she skewed this into me being narcissistic and controlling her? I would never tolerate a materialistic woman and of all the crazy things I know about my ex I can say she never tried to get money out of me. Still it hurt me so much because she never once thanked me for helping her out--not because she wanted more it was just that I feel she was embarrassed. I would tell her not to worry a out such things because at a later date if I were in transition we may need to rely on her income for a bit. I wanted her to feel supported by me but independent as well. I was looking at the long term and willing to take on finances as a team. When she moved out she did try and pay me back. Twice she gave me a check for $100 and this was still when she was in dire straights. Honestly I'm almost crying as I type this because I attached such meaning to her paying me back. It's one of the few things that I have as evidence that she even cared about me at all. After months of NC she rang me up and actually brought up the rest of the money she owed. I told her not to worry about it and invest it in herself. In effect the $800 she still owed wasnt important to me I just needed to know that she respected me enough to try and pay me back. And I didn't want her to have this excuse to keep in contact and try and hurt me more so I let it go and cut her out completely. The fact that she gave me those two checks even though she was broke really does make me tear up. I wish she could have seen me picking up the slack financially as an act of love and trust from me rather than some way to try and control or contain her. For me I simply saw it as an investing in us so it's painful to know she never felt or recognized it as such.

[Rifka]

So it sounds like a bit of a mixed bag depending on the type of pd and if it was the beginning of the relationship or not.

[fred6]

We always paid 50/50 the biils. She insisted on that and anytime I made an attemp to pay the whole bill, there was an angry beast against me. She thinks that someone paying the bill is like losing her independence.

Your post reminds me about something about my ex. Did anyone notice something strange about their independence? A lot of the times that I offered something, she refused. Almost like she was throwing it back in my face or thought that she might owe me back or something. This is a person that is kind of irresponsible and gets plenty of help from her parents in different ways. But yet she has this strange type of fake independence. Towards the end after the split but before I moved out, she wouldn't let me help her with anything.

[Blimblam]

In the beginning my ex was willing to pay for everything.  In the end I was paying for everything.

[Rifka]

We always paid 50/50 the biils. She insisted on that and anytime I made an attemp to pay the whole bill, there was an angry beast against me. She thinks that someone paying the bill is like losing her independence.

Your post reminds me about something about my ex. Did anyone notice something strange about their independence? A lot of the times that I offered something, she refused. Almost like she was throwing it back in my face or thought that she might owe me back or something. This is a person that is kind of irresponsible and gets plenty of help from her parents in different ways. But yet she has this strange type of fake independence. Towards the end after the split but before I moved out, she wouldn't let me help her with anything.

Fred, yes there are so many strange things. When I met him he had just got his home back after refinancing, moving his parents in. He claimed he was helping them, but the truth was they were helping him. He was always crying poor.

He always claimed his independence and then I found out his parents did the refi. It's really not even his house! Lies, lies, lies! That's all I know from him!

[Rifka]

By the way he makes more than 80,000 a year!