Harder and Harder to Stay

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello, been lurking here for the past 6 months and can finally ask for help and advice with my bpd wife of 10 years and our 3 little kids. My wife has had childhood trauma and SA trauma in adulthood before we met. I’ve finally come for advice after so many years and years from us both.

I feel she has severe enough episodes to need inpatient care and I tried 2 weeks ago after a major episode and attempts at suicide. My little girls have become witness as they become older and she cannot self regulate. I have called the cops on her a dozen times in our marriage and it’s been more and more difficult. My oldest is 7 and special needs and I’ve only been staying with her for the kids but they’re getting older and easier now and my thoughts of leaving her are daily. Her list would be throwing objects and smashing them into walls, punching drywall, throwing expensive items of mine to break them, smashing down doors, humiliation and blackmail, suicidal threats and attempts with knives and pills.

I’m at a loss. We have a beautiful family, home, cars, support for our oldest and make good money. She cannot handle herself and anger to a point where I avoid her and the family now and it makes me sad I have to do that and take out a larger life insurance. I’m afraid she’ll make a mistake and we are veterans and receive help, we’re both in therapy and I mainly talk about her and handing of her and my life thru all this. She’s medicated and sees therapy weekly. At this point I will not stay with her longer than 10 more years I want to divorce her immediately but our kids will suffer. They already do. That’s what the books say. It’s a hard decision and I’m taking arrows daily over here.

Anyone set a threshold for leaving? Or some other point of no return?

Thank you

Question

[Pgdyk]

Hello, been lurking here for the past 6 months and can finally ask for help and advice with my bpd wife of 10 years and our 3 little kids. My wife has had childhood trauma and SA trauma in adulthood before we met. I’ve finally come for advice after so many years and years from us both.

I feel she has severe enough episodes to need inpatient care and I tried 2 weeks ago after a major episode and attempts at suicide. My little girls have become witness as they become older and she cannot self regulate. I have called the cops on her a dozen times in our marriage and it’s been more and more difficult. My oldest is 7 and special needs and I’ve only been staying with her for the kids but they’re getting older and easier now and my thoughts of leaving her are daily. Her list would be throwing objects and smashing them into walls, punching drywall, throwing expensive items of mine to break them, smashing down doors, humiliation and blackmail, suicidal threats and attempts with knives and pills.

I’m at a loss. We have a beautiful family, home, cars, support for our oldest and make good money. She cannot handle herself and anger to a point where I avoid her and the family now and it makes me sad I have to do that and take out a larger life insurance. I’m afraid she’ll make a mistake and we are veterans and receive help, we’re both in therapy and I mainly talk about her and handing of her and my life thru all this. She’s medicated and sees therapy weekly. At this point I will not stay with her longer than 10 more years I want to divorce her immediately but our kids will suffer. They already do. That’s what the books say. It’s a hard decision and I’m taking arrows daily over here.

Anyone set a threshold for leaving? Or some other point of no return?

Thank you

Question

[ForeverDad]

Welcome, former lurker.  I too lurked, I think most do at first.  I had only learned of BPD for a couple months when I found this peer support community and only posted after I'd already separated and was soon to divorce.  You're not the first to walk this troubled path and not the last either.

I'm not sure which book you're referring to, but I did discover one book written in the 1980s which had this observation:

And for the children to see this discord all the time isn't good for them even if it's not directed at them.  Children learn by example.  If this dysfunctional example is their home life growing up, what life choices will they make seeking relationships when they're grown and gone?

Living in a calm and stable home, even if only for part of their lives, will give the children a better example of normalcy for their own future relationships.  Nearly 30 years ago the book Solomon's Children - Exploding the Myths of Divorce had an interesting observation on page 195 by one participant, As the saying goes, "I'd rather come from a broken home than live in one."

Ponder that.  Taking action will enable your lives, or at least a part of your lives, to be spent be in a calm, stable environment — your home, wherever that is — away from the blaming, emotional distortions, pressuring demands and manipulations, unpredictable ever-looming rages and outright chaos.

It is good you and your spouse are getting therapy and meds (though meds are not a complete solution) but the reality is that at some point the priority has to shift to what's best for the children.