I hope this is the final few weeks.

[SES]

I haven't seen her since the last set of allegations.   When she doesn't have the kids she stays away, and vice versa. 

We are almost sold our house... .and she is tying it in with her onward purchase... .possibly the next week or two.  My purchase will be a few weeks later.  I'm not sure of the dates yet, but looks like some time sofa surfing, hotels and possibly camping.  Not sure if the dates yet.

still waiting on finances to be agreed.  She has agreed to shared care... .and no backing out according to lawyer.  She wanted maintenance... .But has now agreed to a clean break.  Waiting to find out about pensions... .She was wanting to share pensions... .But she is younger, and has similar earning potential. 

It has been good to not see her for a month.  Lots of texts to start with, couple of letters and a phone call... .all nit answered.  Just the occasional text accusing me if selfishness... .Last night one saying I had endangered our kids by taking medications from the house... .  Not true.

I worry about what she might do next.  Also hard to get my head around sofa surfing and living in hotels... .Something I hadn't anticipated.   Luckily my mood is in a much better place.  I had felt really depressed for months.  This is still really hard though.  No contact has certainly helped me cope.   I really don't care what she gets up to when she hasn't got the kids.  If she were happy she would have moved on ages ago... .just wish she was happy, then she might leave me alone.

[Panda39]

Hi SES,

I was just thinking about you the other day.  I'm glad to hear that you've been able to break free of the constant harassment you were getting awhile ago and she is out of the house more.  No Contact (or low contact) is such a good thing for your emotional health and is so helpful in keeping your head clear. 

I know staying in a hotel or couch surfing are not ideal but they don't necessarily need to be bad things either.  Having some quiet downtime in a hotel... .with maid service and maybe some room service might not be horrible in the short term and I bet your kids would have a great time especially if there is a pool!  Staying with friends could be a help in keeping your mind off of things and be a reminder of life after your divorce.  But my favorite idea is camping!  Get outdoors (that always makes me feel better) take the kids and have a good time.

Based on what your stbx has done so far I think continuing to be vigilant about her potential behaviors isn't a bad thing but don't let it fill all the space in your head.

My fingers are crossed on the house sale.  Hang in there you will get through this. 

Panda39

[SES]

Thanks Panda39!

It has been a year since I found out about her affair.  I can't believe the twists and turns since then.  She has been truly awful.  It's amazing how she had the affair, but I'm evil personified... .  Just confirmation of her BPD traits.  No compassion, no care, no remorse... .just a concerted effort to destroy me... .Death threats, false allegations,  provocation,  baiting.  It's all quite traumatic.   

I can't wait for the house to sell.  I want some respite from her.  She is truly dangerous.

[livednlearned]

Hi SES,

You must be counting each and every day.

How are the kids doing?

The period after the house sells when you're staying with friends, or perhaps in a hotel could either be very comforting and freeing, or very disorienting and depressing. I understand you might not have much strength to think about this at the moment while you're treading water. Will the kids stay with you at this time?

Self care is hard for many of us, so I want to gently encourage you to think about what you might need when this intense living situation is no longer front and center.

[SES]

Yes, it is treading water.   I don't know when the end is in sight.  I want to avoid any contact with her.  She poses great risk to me.  I'll have the kids fifty fifty... Although in the early days actually separating I'll have them with me at a hotel.  I hope the sale goes through soon.  I no longer care about my belongings.   She took everything my late sister left me, including her will... .And her lawyer now says it was all left to her.  It's cruel.  But, it is just small part of the hurt she has caused.  I feel utterly miserable when I think of what has happened over the last year.  I just want to survive and be with my children.   She has destroyed everything,  taken everything she can,and hurt in the most horrible ways.  This is without doubt the worst year of my life.  I have never experienced such cruelty.

[livednlearned]

Yes, it is treading water.   I don't know when the end is in sight.  I want to avoid any contact with her.  She poses great risk to me.  I'll have the kids fifty fifty... Although in the early days actually separating I'll have them with me at a hotel.  I hope the sale goes through soon.  I no longer care about my belongings.   She took everything my late sister left me, including her will... .And her lawyer now says it was all left to her.  It's cruel.  But, it is just small part of the hurt she has caused.  I feel utterly miserable when I think of what has happened over the last year.  I just want to survive and be with my children.   She has destroyed everything,  taken everything she can,and hurt in the most horrible ways.  This is without doubt the worst year of my life.  I have never experienced such cruelty.

I stayed with my son in a hotel too. We then moved into an apartment without any furniture. Strangely, it was a very good experience for both of us. Everything felt so simple... .I had nothing and yet felt like I had so much because of the peace and quiet. S14 and I would throw a large ball back and forth in the apartment and made up ridiculous games that kept us going for hours. I miss those times now.

Being present with your kids, being good to yourself -- these can be very healing stretches of time. Your ex did not take away everything. In the rebuilding stage, I hope you find a phoenix rising from the ashes somewhere in you. 

Meanwhile, hang in there. This part will be over soon and while it might not seem so, things will feel different on the other side.

LnL

[ForeverDad]

She took everything my late sister left me, including her will... .And her lawyer now says it was all left to her.

Her lawyer actually said that?  I doubt your sister did that, either ex is lying about what her lawyer said (very typical) or forged a copy in her favor.  Actually, your sister's will would have been probated and a copy kept in the county offices if not also your sister's attorney's office, which you could use for documentation as to what your sister actually wrote.

[SES]

Thanks both.

Yes, managed to get pdf copies of the wills from central probate offices.  Yes, my sister left her one ornament... .But that was it.  I have sent copies ofcthe wills to my lawyer.

Thanks for your insights, and you give me hope.  I can't wait to get away from our house.  I think I'm feeling a bit low at present. There is so much uncertainty.   I feel quite angry too, especially when I think what has happened over the last year.  I take comfort that you both moved on and found a better life.  Lnl... .Your description of living in hotels and an empty apartment make me feel less alone with this.  I'm tempted to walk away with what little I have left when contracts are exchanged.  I might leave the remaining furniture,  as all the good stuff has gone already, and just start all over again.  All the old stuff has memories.  The old couch she has left was where both our kids were born on... .No wonder it's seen better days. 

[livednlearned]

I might leave the remaining furniture,  as all the good stuff has gone already, and just start all over again. 

I only left with furniture that belonged to my son and a few pieces that were mine through inheritance.

When we moved into the apartment, we had no table to eat at, so I folded down a futon couch into a bed and that became our table. It was the only furniture we had in our living and dining area.

My son claimed the futon was a fallen spaceship surrounded by water, and me being a bit slow realized he was enacting a survival story, where we were safe and making our way, building a new civilization far from the burning ashes of our distant civilization.

Our very own play therapy 

Invite your kids into the rebuilding as much as you can. They will want desperately to be a part of the story -- it will help them heal.

[Panda39]

Hi Ses,

My SO's uBPDxw was a hoarder and had to have everything too.  My SO left with the old family room couch set, a coffee table, a dining table (their old kitchen table) four chairs and some dishes and pots and pans.  He was thrilled to be out from under all that stuff.  He and his daughters now have a place that they built together that is home.  And yours truly had lots of fun making things to fill up the walls and picking up things on outings together early in our relationship. (I'm an artist when not doing my day job)

I did something similar too although my ex and I had a fair split... .I down-sized in a big way in part because of necessity (going from a 4 bedroom townhouse to a small 2 bedroom apartment) but a lot of it was wanting to let go of that old life... .the stuff... .the baggage... .it was freeing.

Hang in there, I know some of this stuff is miserable and slow as a snail but there will be a time you come out the other side.

Panda39

[SES]

Still no news on either the date of the sale of our house, or the date of buying my new home... .although I know there will be a gap in the weeks in between.

I haven't seen her for 6 weeks.  Yesterday was a caustic text, the first in a couple of weeks. She has given me notice to take what I want from the house as she is clearing it out on Wednesday.  Followed quite quickly by another, saying she hadn't seen me for weeks, hoping I was well, and wishing me happiness for the future.  I haven't responded to her for a long time.  I did respond to this text, just pointing out that she hadn't wished me happiness with her affairs, or taunting me with them, or living in our family home for the last year whilst she carried on her affair after she asked for a divorce.  She replied- its all good then! 

For me it doesn't account for all the truly awful things she has done over the last year, or how she still carries on.  She asked for reconciliation a few times in the last few months, but at the same time was blogging online about her lying, cheating boyfriend (apparently he cheated on her with 6 + women, but I think she is still with him).  I have been reflecting on all the times in our relationship that I thought she might be cheating... .but she denied it... .always accusing me of being controlling.  The reality, she clearly did.  Its weird to realise that actually I didn't know her, and the person I trusted the most also hurt me the most. 

It has left me feeling quite sad.  Sad for my losses- my wife, family and home.  I think I am moving more towards acceptance.  I no longer feel angry, or stuck bargaining, or in denial.  I truly can't begin to express what a terrible year this has been, in fact what a terrible 2 years it has been- as things started to unravel 2 years ago.  She seems unaffected- affair partner in tow... .on plenty of dating websites (yes, against my better judgement I checked recently).  14 years... .2 kids, a beautiful house, and a great lifestyle... .it meant nothing to her.  Its still hard to get my head around what has happened at times. 

I believe that she cheated with our childminders partner, after her affair came out ( and probably before). I believe she might have cheated with my cousin (his reaction to finding out about her affair was quite weird). 

Our kids (7 and 5) reported to me that she has been sitting with them whilst she looks for men on dating websites, and that they have been looking for a new daddy.  My daughter told me that she asked her mum to chose a man who looked like me.

I have felt so very trapped this last year.  I know this is the final few weeks (hopefully)... .and I can't wait for it to be over.  The less contact with her the better. 

Its ridiculous... .I still ponder- did she care? did I mean anything? does this hurt her (probably not)? was it 14 year of one big lie?  I know its stuff I'l never be able to answer... .and that given time, hopefully it won't matter as much. 

I can't believe that after what she has done she can wish me well for the future. 

Plan for the day: try to occupy myself and stop the ruminating.  It just makes me feel depressed.     

[livednlearned]

Its ridiculous... .I still ponder- did she care? did I mean anything? does this hurt her (probably not)? was it 14 year of one big lie?  I know its stuff I'l never be able to answer... .and that given time, hopefully it won't matter as much.

This is not a clinical definition of object constancy -- I still found it gave me some insight into the vagaries of how my ex thinks. Maybe it will help you answer this question for yourself? https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=70884.msg12633166#msg12633166

 

Plan for the day: try to occupy myself and stop the ruminating.  It just makes me feel depressed.     

Depressed or sad? It's appropriate to feel sad right now. Something this big has to be processed, SES. Otherwise it will become an undertow.  :'(

[SES]

We had children's services involved following the most recent police incident... .

Well,  following their very thorough investigation... .no further action or involvement...

Apparently she is very good at meeting our children's needs... Me, apparently I love my kids, but I'm bitter about my wife's affair... .

Weird... .really doesn't account for the last year at all!  Amazing.  

Just goes to show how people can't see what is going on... .Luckily I work in the mental health field... .all my colleagues know it's BPD... .They have no doubts... .

[SES]

I would have really struggled without my colleagues

... some of whom spelt out BPD to me when I just couldn't see it for myself. Amazing how I can.spot it at work... just didn't see it at home... .

[Panda39]

Apparently she is very good at meeting our children's needs... Me, apparently I love my kids, but I'm bitter about my wife's affair... .

I think it's so bizarre how these outside observers lock on to the weirdest things and miss the big picture... .My SO had to attend anger management for throwing a phone at a couch (guess who he was talking to?)  Meanwhile it's okay for mom to neglect the medical and dental care of their daughters and keep one daughter out of school her freshman year of high school, run a parental alienation campaign and have the kids spy on dad      Of course my SO was angry.

Of course your bitter about your wife's affair who wouldn't be!

I get that you don't want to bad mouth mom in front of the kids but your feelings are natural given the situation.

I would have really struggled without my colleagues

... some of whom spelt out BPD to me when I just couldn't see it for myself. Amazing how I can.spot it at work... just didn't see it at home... .

It's always harder to see it when your in it.  I bet when you read other peoples posts you're able to see what is going on with them more clearly.

I'm so glad you have your colleagues for support  We're here for you too 

Panda39

[ForeverDad]

Also, my understanding about children's services is that if the reported actions aren't 'actionable' - substantive child abuse, child neglect or child endangerment - then there's nothing to be done.   Well, that's the agency.  Even if they do nothing, you can always decide to end the relationship, that's within your control.

For most of us the Ex, whether male or female, knew what the limits were and usually managed to keep the behaviors just under the level of being 'actionable'.

I recall the two times I called CPS before we separated and divorced.  I reported that my ex was repeatedly ranting and raging in the presence of our preschooler.  I was asked, "Is she screaming at the child?"  I had to admit it was focused at me but he was right there exposed to it all.  I got the same answer both times.  "Call us back if she screams at your child."  Evidently there is a distinction, in at least some areas it's not actionable if the children are exposed to screaming but possibly actionable if the screaming is directed at them. :'(

That year the marriage imploded anyway.  Around here in peer support, no surprise.

[SES]

Thanks... . Yes, she's a specialist children's nurse... .so she knows child protection law and thresholds well.  I think they sided with her.  Although we won't hit their threshold as it is probably pretty high.

Currently negotiating terms of divorce... .I say currently... .But it is eight months later.   She has agreed shared care 50 50.   She agrees 50 50 equity.  She agrees clean break finances... .No child maintenance as we share Care... .currently no spouse maintenance., as salaries currently similar (I reduced my hours at work).  However,  she wants to have part of my pension,  as my pension pot will be bigger.  Also... .Problem on horizon with change in work and pay for me (not for a couple of months),  but could result in a claim for spouse maintenance layer this year.

This is an endurance event . .I used to wish for another new relationship. . . Now I'm not sure I'll ever want another relationship as long as I live.  I can't believe the hurt finding out about her affair, the torture over the last year, the threats, the costs,  and now... possibly .a life long financial commitment, and certainly later retirement .  Well, she has done well.  Not sure I did so well though...