Do they miss us with NC or forget us with NC ?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hi all I know this quistion doesn't apply to everyone as each relaitionship with someone with BPD was diffetent but just wondering what your veiws and experiences are on this .

I've read on here and other places that to most pwBPD out of sight is out of mind and going NC for us nons is to heal and move on and forward and focus on ourselves however why is it if we go NC they often come back ? And if you chase them it pushes them further away and enables ther behaviour ? In my situation I split up with my ex BPDgf just over 2 months ago then regreted it she found a replacement within a day ( she wasn't seeing him before the BU) and we stayed in LC mostly hatful stuff from her but I think she was/is regretting getting with my replacement so quickly as I know he treats her badly than they are just using each other her massive lack of impulse control got her in a situation she is struggling to get out of my replacement had only been out of prison 4/5 days when my ex met him and was pretty much homeless so she let him move in straight away not knowing anything about him plus she drives him every were to do his drug deals !

She's rung me twice in the last 3 weeks sounding upset and gone from abusive hatful to bit upset and regretfull she hasn't admitted she regrets it but has said things like " I want to be able to get on with you " and she hasn't blocked me on her phone . However I found out she cheated on me in the last 4 weeks of our relaitionship and called her out on it ! She denied it at first but I proved she was lying and the last text I got from her last week said " ok you win I'm alone now " Im only guessing here but I think she means that she knows coming back to me later when she knows her current relaitionship with my replacement falls apart is not really an option for her now as she knows this has hurt me deeply and her guilt and shame will be to great .

I was chasing her in LC before I found out about the cheating and was so hurt I told her not to contact me again a d her number was being blocked . I havnt blocked her tho .

I've been NC now for 5 days and staying NC but my quistion is why when we go NC do they come back or they contact us ? Surly if we go NC they assume we have given up chasing them so that means we don't care or love them anymore ?

I've posted this in undecided because I do want her to come back as I love her and miss her but u do need to heal and part of me wants to move on .

I'm not sure I will hear from her again as she knows cheating has hurt me and I'm sure she feels guilty as ive not heard from her since I told her not to contact me . I'm thinking of staying NC for at least 90 days to focus on myself and see how I feel in 90 days time if I should reach out to her or not Plus she may contact me in those 90 days ?

Last night I had a call from a withheld number when I answerd it they hung up I can't be 100% sure it was her but got a gut feeling it was to test to see if I had blocked her not .

[Splitblack4good]

Hi all I know this quistion doesn't apply to everyone as each relaitionship with someone with BPD was diffetent but just wondering what your veiws and experiences are on this .

I've read on here and other places that to most pwBPD out of sight is out of mind and going NC for us nons is to heal and move on and forward and focus on ourselves however why is it if we go NC they often come back ? And if you chase them it pushes them further away and enables ther behaviour ? In my situation I split up with my ex BPDgf just over 2 months ago then regreted it she found a replacement within a day ( she wasn't seeing him before the BU) and we stayed in LC mostly hatful stuff from her but I think she was/is regretting getting with my replacement so quickly as I know he treats her badly than they are just using each other her massive lack of impulse control got her in a situation she is struggling to get out of my replacement had only been out of prison 4/5 days when my ex met him and was pretty much homeless so she let him move in straight away not knowing anything about him plus she drives him every were to do his drug deals !

She's rung me twice in the last 3 weeks sounding upset and gone from abusive hatful to bit upset and regretfull she hasn't admitted she regrets it but has said things like " I want to be able to get on with you " and she hasn't blocked me on her phone . However I found out she cheated on me in the last 4 weeks of our relaitionship and called her out on it ! She denied it at first but I proved she was lying and the last text I got from her last week said " ok you win I'm alone now " Im only guessing here but I think she means that she knows coming back to me later when she knows her current relaitionship with my replacement falls apart is not really an option for her now as she knows this has hurt me deeply and her guilt and shame will be to great .

I was chasing her in LC before I found out about the cheating and was so hurt I told her not to contact me again a d her number was being blocked . I havnt blocked her tho .

I've been NC now for 5 days and staying NC but my quistion is why when we go NC do they come back or they contact us ? Surly if we go NC they assume we have given up chasing them so that means we don't care or love them anymore ?

I've posted this in undecided because I do want her to come back as I love her and miss her but u do need to heal and part of me wants to move on .

I'm not sure I will hear from her again as she knows cheating has hurt me and I'm sure she feels guilty as ive not heard from her since I told her not to contact me . I'm thinking of staying NC for at least 90 days to focus on myself and see how I feel in 90 days time if I should reach out to her or not Plus she may contact me in those 90 days ?

Last night I had a call from a withheld number when I answerd it they hung up I can't be 100% sure it was her but got a gut feeling it was to test to see if I had blocked her not .

[Tim300]

I like your idea to go NC for 90 days and see how you feel.

[Splitblack4good]

I like your idea to go NC for 90 days and see how you feel.

It's difficult as I don't know how or what I'm going to feel in 90 days time I'm slowly coming out the FOG I'm still undecided right now but I'm hoping 90 days of hard NC will not only give me some time to focus on me but also see how I feel in the event she may come back or reach out to me or if I should reach out to her in 90 days time with a simple " hi how have you been ?" Text message to show her I still care and thinking of her and see if she responds or not if she doesn't then at least ive got my answer and secondly it won't hurt as much if she ignores it  .

[JRT]

I have been no contact for 3.5 months and have heard nothing... .I tried to contact her along the way... .I have read that this simply empowers them and makes them believe that you are at their disposal when they need you.

[Splitblack4good]

I have been no contact for 3.5 months and have heard nothing... .I tried to contact her along the way... .I have read that this simply empowers them and makes them believe that you are at their disposal when they need you.

Has your ex blocked you ? When you say you tried contacting her do you mean you were unable to ? I thought chasing them and them ignoring you gives them an ego boost and encourages ther behaviour ? Not by giving them silence ? I suppose they are all different .

[JRT]

I have been no contact for 3.5 months and have heard nothing... .I tried to contact her along the way... .I have read that this simply empowers them and makes them believe that you are at their disposal when they need you.

Has your ex blocked you ? YES; NO PHONE, NO TEXT, NO EMAIL AND NO SOCIAL MEDIA When you say you tried contacting her do you mean you were unable to ? YES, BUT I TRAVEL FOR WORK AND TRIED TO CALL FROM THE HOTEL PHONE A COUPLE OF TIMES SINCE IT WAS NOT BLOCKED. SHE HUNG UP ONCE I ANNOUNCED MY NAME THEN CALLED THE COPS OR HAD AN ATTORNEY DRAFT A THREATENING LETTER I thought chasing them and them ignoring you gives them an ego boost and encourages ther behaviour ? WELL, I AM NOT ONE TO TAKE THINGS LYING DOWN. THE FIRST TIME WAS THE DAY OF THE B/U... .THE SECOND TIME WAS IN XMAS EVE. I THOUGHT THAT BY THAT TIME, SHE MIGHT HAVE CALMED DOWN A BIT TO EXPALIN HERSELF, NO SUCH LUCK Not by giving them silence ? I suppose they are all different . NAH, I AM PRETTY SURE THAT SHE IS EMPOWERED NOW BY MY ACTIONS.

She still has some of my property, including the engagement ring that I want to have returned. I also have a large cache of her stuff (much of which is very valuable). I am contemplating having a lawyer send her a letter to compel her to return my things to me but wonder if that would play into the power? I gotta tell ya: I REALLY want some closure and my greatest wish is to have her act like an adult and provide an explanation for her actions. But the extent to which she has built walls prohibiting contact and corresponding anger, I can see that there would be no greater pain for her than to face me and do what I most want her to do. I think that the shame is so great, that she would seriously prefer a bullet to the head.

Its funny... .we NEVER disagreed or argued... .it was a nice relationship.