Words of encouragement, please :-)

[Bloomer]

Well, I feel like I'm getting much better with my validation skills. We've actually been making it a week at a time without a major dysregulation. Last night I validated for over an hour and when he started name calling, I said, "I won't tolerate being called names. I'm going to have to take myself out of this conversation."

He made one final attempt at baiting me and I responded calmly and let him go to bed.

I slept on the couch (well, I don't know if I'd call it sleeping or rolling over a lot). I have a migraine and feel like I stayed up all night like I did before finals in college. However, I got ready for work while he slept in. I kissed him on the cheek and said "I love you. I have to leave now." and he just said "ok, bye"

I then sent him a message saying, "I love you and I hope we can have a better talk about things when I get home from work. I hope you slept well. Have a nice day."

He didn't respond for a while but eventually said "I love you too."

We've been messaging as normal throughout the day. However, I am sure he still feels the same he did about the discussion we had last night. And I know I feel the same (different from him).

I need some encouragement to help me as I'm exhausted and don't want to undo all the work I put in to not getting upset last night. I took an anxiety pill this morning but I'm very ropey from the lack of sleep and work has added some stress. Also, any tips on how to resolve an issue where you feel differently than your BPD partner, have acknowledged their feelings and told them you don't expect them to feel the same way, or act based on your feelings even. And they really just want you to feel the same as them but you just don't?

Thanks.

 B.

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[allibaba]

Hey there.  Great job on the newly found strategies!   

Just don't drown yourself in validation 

Last night I validated for over an hour

Yikes.  I normally validate in small increments and then exit.  That much validation is draining.  No wonder you have or had a migraine.  Its very good to understand his position but don't lose yourself

Is your disagreement that you guys need to hash out?  Or is it something that you can agree to disagree on?  Is there some middle of the road solution. 

If my husband and I disagree on something... . I try not to spend too much time on it because eventually resentment builds.  I'll revisit it later after we have both had some space and time and distance from it.

[shamrock]

Validation is just one skill

My BPDW will be down for a few days then get quite dysfunctional then be "normal". It is as if she needed a relief valve to let off pressure. What she says is upsetting her may not be the real reason. She herself may not know.

The periods now are getting fewer & farther apart with her training (DBT) & medication.

The hardest part for me was to not take it personal, but to remove yourself after the conversation begins to "go south"

It does get better but takes work on both sides

[Bloomer]

[quote author=allibaba link=topic=203855.msg12271652#msg12271652 date=1371674634

Yikes.  I normally validate in small increments and then exit.  That much validation is draining.  No wonder you have or had a migraine.  Its very good to understand his position but don't lose yourself [/quote]
You were right. It was so draining that I lost myself. I folded and then this morning I completely crumbled into a hysterical, emotional ball. So that backfired. I am seriously wondering if I am strong enough. Maybe I've just been through too much... .

[quote author=allibaba link=topic=203855.msg12271652#msg12271652 date=1371674634

Is your disagreement that you guys need to hash out?  Or is it something that you can agree to disagree on?  Is there some middle of the road solution. 

If my husband and I disagree on something... . I try not to spend too much time on it because eventually resentment builds.  I'll revisit it later after we have both had some space and time and distance from it.[/quote]
Yes it was something that needed a compromise or solution. Agreeing to disagree wouldn't work. I ended up compromising. I am not sure how it will go but I'm going to try to be positive about it. I'm feeling exhausted. I am starting to feel a second migraine and everything I say is now being questioned. Maybe this is extinction burst? I don't know. I am really disappointed in myself and struggling to not cry at work. I just want a break from everything.

[Bloomer]

Validation is just one skill

My BPDW will be down for a few days then get quite dysfunctional then be "normal". It is as if she needed a relief valve to let off pressure. What she says is upsetting her may not be the real reason. She herself may not know.

The periods now are getting fewer & farther apart with her training (DBT) & medication.

The hardest part for me was to not take it personal, but to remove yourself after the conversation begins to "go south"

It does get better but takes work on both sides

I know that's just the tip of the iceberg. I still struggle with not taking things personally but I've made some real progress there. I have to separate in order to validate. Things have been better for us. We've been going nearly full weeks without major dysregulations but when he gets "stuck" then everything is a problem and that's when I fold. I can only keep it together and hide my hurt feelings from him for so long on something. After a whole day and more this morning, I broke. He takes everything I say out of context and it's just so frustrating. Not to mention that he puts words in my mouth and then will talk at me and not let me speak. He gets aggressive and it's hard for me to stay super warm and cuddly after two days of that! How do you manage those buildups?

[allibaba]

Ok Bloomer.  

      

Stop.  Breath.  Take 5 minutes.  Can you go outside (now or on a break?)?  Is it nice and sunny.  If you can... . do... . feel the sunshine on your face.  Sit down.  Breath in the fresh air.  

Tell yourself you are a good, strong person.  Its not easy to live with a BPD even once all of your ducks are in a now.  Its especially hard while we are just learning skills.  

Now remember that it is YOUR CHOICE to be with him.  If you decide that its too hard... . that is ok too.

Now take 5 minutes to breath and just be in the moment.  Feel the sun... . feel the air.  Every time a thought comes into your mind acknowledge it and tell it that you will come back to it later.

Sorry if I sound totally cheesey!  Just running you through something that I would do.  

[allibaba]

Notice I didn't say a darn thing about him.  I think that you need to back away for a few minutes and recharge yourself   

[Bloomer]

Ok Bloomer.  

      

Stop.  Breath.  Take 5 minutes.  Can you go outside (now or on a break?)?  Is it nice and sunny.  If you can... . do... . feel the sunshine on your face.  Sit down.  Breath in the fresh air.  

Tell yourself you are a good, strong person.  Its not easy to live with a BPD even once all of your ducks are in a now.  Its especially hard while we are just learning skills.  

Now remember that it is YOUR CHOICE to be with him.  If you decide that its too hard... . that is ok too.

Now take 5 minutes to breath and just be in the moment.  Feel the sun... . feel the air.  Every time a thought comes into your mind acknowledge it and tell it that you will come back to it later.

Sorry if I sound totally cheesey!  Just running you through something that I would do.  

Not cheesy. You basically described my guided stress meditation haha I can't take a break right now as I've not been at work too long. I plan on taking a lunch today though.

I know it's my choice, I guess sometimes I wonder why in the hell are you choosing this? And then I think about all his good qualities and I feel torn. What is the better decision here? I don't know on days like today. And feeling confused makes me feel overwhelmed.

Thanks for the support. You're right that I need to calm myself down.

[allibaba]

Well

     

We're here for you.

[sjm7411]

I know it's my choice, I guess sometimes I wonder why in the hell are you choosing this? And then I think about all his good qualities and I feel torn. What is the better decision here? I don't know on days like today. And feeling confused makes me feel overwhelmed.

I feel your pain.  I wonder the same thing sometimes, especially right now as you can probably see from the topic I posted this morning.  Like, why put ourselves through this?  WHY?  And then we have good times and it feels like I'm living in two different worlds.  I told one of my friends what happened to me today and she was shocked and said he sounds crazy.  I'm sure she thinks I'm crazy for putting up with it. 

[allibaba]

Its definitely not an easy road that we have chosen.  I stay with my husband for the following reasons:

1.  We have 10 yrs of history, through thick and thin we have been there for each other (even when it was dysfunctional).

2.  My husband is probably the most interesting person that I have ever met.  I am NEVER bored.

3.  My husband is incredibly start (intellectually, emotionally)

4.  He is the most amazing father in the world.

5.  My hubby has mad skills around the house (gardening, fixing things, etc, even cooking and cleaning)

6.  I am very attracted to him

7.  Generally speaking (as in when he is not 'out of his mind' we share the same morals and values.

Sorry that was more for me than you guys.  I have had a hard few days at home... . and I think that I needed to remind myself why I do it.