Working on marriage after reconcile

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi everyone!
I am a newbie here, mother of two, married 5 years to a BPDh. My first two are from my previous marriage.

My story is just like many other here - met a guy very shortly after separation from my exh, things moved pretty quickly. Things were amazingly well and I found myself marrying him a year and a half after we met - already with a baby in my belly.

Now I look back and see all the red flags I ignored, justified or actually felt bad for him and found excuses for his behavior.

The birth of our child together 3 years ago marks the start of the unbearable misery and suffering, things that I can't believe I tolerated and went through. Things went really-really bad last year around this time when my BPDh went quite crazy and called the cops to report that he was afraid of me, because I was unstable. Police ended up escorting him out after confiscating house and car keys from him and advising me to change the locks or to take all 3 kids and leave to stay with a family.

In all that craziness I discovered BPD. As I went through books after books and websites and forums, it felt like these authors lived with me and my family and recorded each incident. My case was/is a pure textbook BPD hell. With that I went through a range of emotions: relief, anger, sadness, shock, resentment; my god, everything.

By then I was served with court papers asking for everything. I won't even get into the emotional push-and-pull and all the drama. On top of that all, I had to tend to my children who were going through their own hell from all this. My two older ones went through one divorce already, so it was the hardest on them. They see their stepfather as their own dad and, although it was amazingly peaceful and quiet at home when he left, they missed and wanted him back.

Ha! I'm skipping all the emotional stuff here, because it is pretty much the same as everyone else's.

Fast forward 4 months to December 2016. I reached out to him to reconcile. I explicitly told him that we can work on it and we will live together again as long as he stops the court drama and withdraws his application. My thinking was that I knew better now and I could improve communication with the skills I learned from forums like this. What do you know - he did as I asked and came right back.

It's been 8 months since then. He left and came back 4 more times since then. Things have improved considerably, mainly because I've changed my way of communicating. The biggest achievement was that I convinced him to seek therapy (cheeky grin here  ). It was tricky but worked! I noticed that he had such a great respect for our family doctor and actually went to speak to her about his drug and alcohol dependency. So, I made an appointment for a regular check-up for myself and talked to her about my suspicions of BPD and what-have-you. She was also relieved and told me that it is only close family who can determine this disorder because BPD is invisible to everyone else outside.

She was my guiding angel, I am forever grateful to her. She made the effort to contact him and guide him to get help. My repeated attempts to get him to therapy were simply ignored but just one appointment with her changed his mind and he went to see a counselor.

I can't say things are normal and great. It is one day at a time. I still have dreadful days and weeks. Kids still watch themselves. But I am hopeful.

I am in the "improving" board because that's where we are. But, to be honest, I am damaged beyond repair. Damaged emotionally that is. Although I built up the resilience and coping skills with this monster of a disorder, I know in my heart that I won't ever be in love with this man again. I love him, but not in love with him. I care for him but would leave if not for the kids. I don't trust him, his judgement, his declarations of love. I've been cheated on so many times and not just with women.

My intentions are to make things better as much as possible. I am staying for my kids so that they don't endure another divorce. So that they learn that you don't throw away people that easy - you work on relationships. So that they learn to deal with different kinds of personalities too. (I must say that they're doing great with all the subtle skills I am teaching them. They are so much better when communicating with dad, there are fewer fights.)

I am also staying for myself. Because being a single mom is so darn hard. Even if I am the breadwinner and the main caregiver, I still get breaks here and there when he takes care of the children. He does his fair share of the household duties. It is always good, especially now that I know how important it is to take care of myself first.

But let me ask you this: if you're in a similar situation as me, do you get tempted to find someone else who could "pick you up" emotionally? Is is normal to fantasize that I'll start an affair with someone emotionally mature enough and still keep the family intact?

I do have these thoughts a lot lately. I feel like my husband is just like another big kid living in my home and I take care of him and support him, but it is totally okay to seek someone else to have a emotionally fulfilling relationship. Part of it is revenge, part craving that adult contact, part loneliness in my ordeal, a huge part is dreading the day when my kids are old enough to move out and leave me alone with BPDh.

Please share your thoughts.

[romanova]

Hi everyone!
I am a newbie here, mother of two, married 5 years to a BPDh. My first two are from my previous marriage.

My story is just like many other here - met a guy very shortly after separation from my exh, things moved pretty quickly. Things were amazingly well and I found myself marrying him a year and a half after we met - already with a baby in my belly.

Now I look back and see all the red flags I ignored, justified or actually felt bad for him and found excuses for his behavior.

The birth of our child together 3 years ago marks the start of the unbearable misery and suffering, things that I can't believe I tolerated and went through. Things went really-really bad last year around this time when my BPDh went quite crazy and called the cops to report that he was afraid of me, because I was unstable. Police ended up escorting him out after confiscating house and car keys from him and advising me to change the locks or to take all 3 kids and leave to stay with a family.

In all that craziness I discovered BPD. As I went through books after books and websites and forums, it felt like these authors lived with me and my family and recorded each incident. My case was/is a pure textbook BPD hell. With that I went through a range of emotions: relief, anger, sadness, shock, resentment; my god, everything.

By then I was served with court papers asking for everything. I won't even get into the emotional push-and-pull and all the drama. On top of that all, I had to tend to my children who were going through their own hell from all this. My two older ones went through one divorce already, so it was the hardest on them. They see their stepfather as their own dad and, although it was amazingly peaceful and quiet at home when he left, they missed and wanted him back.

Ha! I'm skipping all the emotional stuff here, because it is pretty much the same as everyone else's.

Fast forward 4 months to December 2016. I reached out to him to reconcile. I explicitly told him that we can work on it and we will live together again as long as he stops the court drama and withdraws his application. My thinking was that I knew better now and I could improve communication with the skills I learned from forums like this. What do you know - he did as I asked and came right back.

It's been 8 months since then. He left and came back 4 more times since then. Things have improved considerably, mainly because I've changed my way of communicating. The biggest achievement was that I convinced him to seek therapy (cheeky grin here  ). It was tricky but worked! I noticed that he had such a great respect for our family doctor and actually went to speak to her about his drug and alcohol dependency. So, I made an appointment for a regular check-up for myself and talked to her about my suspicions of BPD and what-have-you. She was also relieved and told me that it is only close family who can determine this disorder because BPD is invisible to everyone else outside.

She was my guiding angel, I am forever grateful to her. She made the effort to contact him and guide him to get help. My repeated attempts to get him to therapy were simply ignored but just one appointment with her changed his mind and he went to see a counselor.

I can't say things are normal and great. It is one day at a time. I still have dreadful days and weeks. Kids still watch themselves. But I am hopeful.

I am in the "improving" board because that's where we are. But, to be honest, I am damaged beyond repair. Damaged emotionally that is. Although I built up the resilience and coping skills with this monster of a disorder, I know in my heart that I won't ever be in love with this man again. I love him, but not in love with him. I care for him but would leave if not for the kids. I don't trust him, his judgement, his declarations of love. I've been cheated on so many times and not just with women.

My intentions are to make things better as much as possible. I am staying for my kids so that they don't endure another divorce. So that they learn that you don't throw away people that easy - you work on relationships. So that they learn to deal with different kinds of personalities too. (I must say that they're doing great with all the subtle skills I am teaching them. They are so much better when communicating with dad, there are fewer fights.)

I am also staying for myself. Because being a single mom is so darn hard. Even if I am the breadwinner and the main caregiver, I still get breaks here and there when he takes care of the children. He does his fair share of the household duties. It is always good, especially now that I know how important it is to take care of myself first.

But let me ask you this: if you're in a similar situation as me, do you get tempted to find someone else who could "pick you up" emotionally? Is is normal to fantasize that I'll start an affair with someone emotionally mature enough and still keep the family intact?

I do have these thoughts a lot lately. I feel like my husband is just like another big kid living in my home and I take care of him and support him, but it is totally okay to seek someone else to have a emotionally fulfilling relationship. Part of it is revenge, part craving that adult contact, part loneliness in my ordeal, a huge part is dreading the day when my kids are old enough to move out and leave me alone with BPDh.

Please share your thoughts.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[LuvAlways]

Thanks for your story.  And thank you for your courage.  My BPDw had a meltdown about ten months ago.  She was showing signs of everything going south for the past two to three years.  We are a blended family and our only difference is that our kids are grown.  Our youngest together is nearly 20 and living separately from us.  Your battles are so incredibly familiar! 

I have stayed mostly because I said, for better or worse... .I just didn't realize what "worse" meant 21 years ago.  It probably has a lot to do with my co-dependence.  That said,  My BPDw couldn't function on her own right now and after going thru several spending sprees, and her quitting her job, there isn't enough money to support us both in separate locations.  We have run the gamut from separate rooms, to trying to work it out again.  Like you, I have learned how to communicate a little better with her.  But we are still trying to put the pieces together.

Now to your question.  I have fantasized often about having "someone" who I can lean on as a mature relationship giving 50-50.  I would be lying if I didn't.  I suppose some would have that relationship as well.  For me, I look to my friends, and only sibling for my retreat.  It feels like life is passing us by, as she sits and tries to figure this monster out, and I sit and watch, often feeling like my hands are tied.  There are days I don't feel like I am living my life, rather, managing hers and ours.  No real living, doing things, going places, visiting friends together... .just surviving.  I would like to think it's normal for us all to think about it.  We assumed we would have a normal relationship, and troubles would be a broken leg, not mental illness.  It is a big undertaking to stay. 

I often wonder why I want to stay.  And I think of her, and know how incredibly difficult this is.  Her extended family and our children have written her off or have come by much less frequently because of how crazy it is.  For what ever reason they distance themselves, And so  I recommit to the relationship.

I am not saying I will NEVER leave, but right now I feel we are moving forward slowly.  So the fantasies will stay just that, and I will find my release valve in my friends.

Best of luck to you.  We must stay strong for them.

[romanova]

Thank you for your post, it does feel better when I see I'm not alone.

Learning the skills to better communicate does help a lot. I've been on this forum reading the real life lessons from others who've been through it all.

 For me the biggest challenge has been to explain to my BPDh that he and I don't have to be physically next to each other 24/7. For him my wanting to be somewhere else, even if it is in the next room, is a sign that I don't love him and probably seeing someone else.
Since he was officially diagnosed, it's been easier to talk about things. Still, I find myself getting suffocated with his constant clinging and angry outbursts, yet alone insulting remarks and blames.

Yesterday he and my toddler were playing in the living room after dinner. I told them that I am going to the basement because I need to organize stuff. This was my way of letting him know that I'm nearby, there's nothing to worry about. But he still blew up out of nowhere. He mentioned that I must be running away from my family because I hate them and maybe I'm hiding with my phone and chatting with someone else. I tried to stay calm, reminded myself not to JADE and did SAT. I said something like "honey, sounds like you're worried that I'm going to spend time separate from you guys, and I understand it may make you feel lonely, but I'm only going downstairs to clean up the room while I have the energy". It didn't necessarily calm him down, he did throw a few more "yeah, whatever, you never want to be in this house anyway and God knows how many greasy hands are touching you at work" kind of remarks. I asked him if he would feel better if I sat next to them while they played. He said that he doesn't want to force me since it's obvious that my heart is somewhere else. Yep, damned if I do, damned if I don't.

That's when I decided to talk to him openly. I said something like "I wonder if you and I see things differently here. You know how our baby cries even when I go to the bathroom? Coz for him seeing is believing and he thinks if he doesn't see me, I'm gone or don't love him anymore. But it not true, I'm always back and my love is still there even if I'm not physically present. Same with you, honey, I love you and being away won't change that". His answer was that it is an effed up way of looking at it, that I may have my own understanding but I'm wrong because when people love each other, they want to spend every second together.

I just stopped there and didn't engage anymore. I know it'll come back again because it does every so often. What do I say? How do I deal with this issue? How can I safely and peacefully do my own thing? Like taking a shower longer than 15 minutes without him knocking or accusing me of avoiding him on purpose?

Always hopeful... .