Working on getting better while she gets worse

[RestlessWanderer]

This is a continuation of a previous thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=347382.0;all

Hey RW;
Wish I could remember where, but on one of these boards someone made the comment that people who have been traumatized and/or abused often have huge difficulty sleeping during the night and have day sleep / night wake routines, because nighttime has historically been dangerous for them.
IDK if that is helpful, and it certainly isn't an excuse or the only explanation, but it could be info for you to use as you notice your W's habits.
My mom has said she has c-PTSD from childhood abuse. She napped during the day and was awake super late as long as I can remember.
Hang in there;
kells76

Thanks kells76
She’s had ptsd since her first stay in the hospital when she was 18. She told me that she was molested by a male nurse then too.
Of course she also has ptsd from the accident and hospital last year.  She holds it against me for not being with her more then. . I made the choice to be with our son as much as I could before he was taken away for organ donation (a choice I made that she also holds against me, and a decision I had to make alone because she wasn’t willing/able to talk about him at the time).
I’m sure she also has ptsd from her abusive father.
In large part her insomnia is tied to the inability to quiet her mind when the house is quiet.
I don’t fault her for her insomnia since I understand where it comes from. I just wish she did more to help herself deal with so much trauma.

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

In large part her insomnia is tied to the inability to quiet her mind when the house is quiet.
 

This is very common.  My wife suffers from this and her Mom to an extreme.  Her Mom "sleeps" with the TV blaring.

 

Best,

FF

[RestlessWanderer]

No criticism at all...I hope to help you do insight and self evaluation.

How much work was it for you to do the claim?  (how long, how many phone calls, emails, website visits)

Are you better at it that your wife?

How long would she have taken?

How do you feel after doing that for her?

How do you believe she feels?

How has she expressed her gratitude to you?

Best,

FF

Thanks for still being supportive FF.
It took me a few minutes to file the claim online and so far only one call. Next up is taking photos of the damage and then seeking repair quotes.
It would have probably taken her the same amount of time, but since two weeks have passed and she hasn’t done anything yet she seems to have convinced herself that she asked me for help early on.
I feel good about doing it since it was simple and needed to be done.
I don’t think that it makes her feel any better, since she’s focusing on the time lapsed and her anger about that. I know better than to think that my doing it will help her feel better. I think that me not doing it would make her feel worse and add unnecessary strain on me.
She hasn’t expressed any gratitude, rather she expressed the opposite, telling me that I was unprepared and again expressed displeasure at me not doing it sooner. I just ignored this.

I’m picking my battles.

[formflier]

I’m picking my battles.

Is it possible that you are taking off your helmet and flack jacket and accepting unnecessary incoming fire?

What would it look like for you two to do this "together".  No...she wrecks'em I file'm is not what I had in mind.

Best,

FF

[RestlessWanderer]

Full body armor is always on...as she has a hair trigger

Working together on things usually evolves into one of two things: she wants control and will take over if I’m not doing it her way, or if she perceives that I’m “intentionally“ doing the opposite of what she wanted.

[RestlessWanderer]

I’ll add that lately (since day after thanksgiving/day of trash pile episode) she’s been actively negative towards me. The only times she’s been “nice” is when we’ve talked about the meals I’ve cooked or if we’re playing with our son. Other than that she reacts negatively to everything.
Example: last night we were watching a movie as a family, our son was fidgety and I asked him if he was comfortable, and asked him to try and sit still. She responded immediately by calling him to sit closer to her so to not bother me adding a comment about how I’m always picking at him (at least she said this to me in Spanish so he wouldn’t understand, but he probably understood her tone).
Example: a few minutes ago I told her I got us car insurance with a new company for nearly half the cost. She responded by bringing up her displeasure with the coverage’s we had at the time of the accident last year. She insists that I had the bare minimum coverage. This isn’t true, since the cars were financed the bank required full coverage. I admit I did have the lowest amounts, which may be what she’s referring to, but we did have full coverage. She won’t listen to me when I say that. In fact she got upset about it, saying that I am minimizing my irresponsibility.