Is it possible...

[Depression = 72% of members]

Is it possible to regain the respect and motivation to work on things?  Two of the biggest complaints from my uBPDw is I don't compliment her and I don't communicate.  Admittedly, I have quit.  She makes statements saying you used to do it but now you don't and it doesn't make sense.  She's right, I did it in the past.  The thing is it didn't make a difference.  She still was never happy.  She just complained about different things then because she couldn't use that as a talking point.  I finally got so tired of everything I lost all motivation to do anything.  Has anyone experienced this and is it possible to stop feeling this way?

[who_knows11]

Is it possible to regain the respect and motivation to work on things?  Two of the biggest complaints from my uBPDw is I don't compliment her and I don't communicate.  Admittedly, I have quit.  She makes statements saying you used to do it but now you don't and it doesn't make sense.  She's right, I did it in the past.  The thing is it didn't make a difference.  She still was never happy.  She just complained about different things then because she couldn't use that as a talking point.  I finally got so tired of everything I lost all motivation to do anything.  Has anyone experienced this and is it possible to stop feeling this way?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

Respect is earned. Motivation is something you generate. Or not.

If you want things to remain as is, do nothing. They may get better. Chances are they’ll get worse.

You’ve already learned that your previous behavior didn’t “make her happy” so now you’re thinking, “why bother?”

Compliments are disbelieved if not genuine, but communication is the basis of human relationships. So why not forget about the former and aim for the latter?

In what ways aren’t you communicating with her?

[Dancingbear]

I feel this very deeply and am in the same space. After a year of really trying to change things and work on my behaviour and reactions and trying to carefully raise the issues and relationship counselling etc etc I just feel blank and numb now. Because although he believes he's done EVERYTHING I asked and changed his behaviour loads, it's not really changed at all. It's like the same stuff with different packaging - sure no shouting, "conversations" are a bit shorter BUT they are still full of blame, projections, emotional manipulation, confusing word salad, telling me what I feel/think/mean.

I'm just not able to muster the will and enthusiasm to keep trying x

[who_knows11]

Respect is earned. Motivation is something you generate. Or not.

If you want things to remain as is, do nothing. They may get better. Chances are they’ll get worse.

You’ve already learned that your previous behavior didn’t “make her happy” so now you’re thinking, “why bother?”

Compliments are disbelieved if not genuine, but communication is the basis of human relationships. So why not forget about the former and aim for the latter?

In what ways aren’t you communicating with her?

The biggest way...by not telling what I'm really thinking and how I actually feel about what is going on.  We've discussed this before though and we both know I can't tell her those things.  Anything else I come up with to say would not be genuine or the whole truth about what I think and feel.  I also haven't told her that the eggshells I  walk on have been around for the entire marriage.  After telling her about it, it seems she might think I've only felt this way since her episodes have gotten worse. 

[who_knows11]

I feel this very deeply and am in the same space. After a year of really trying to change things and work on my behaviour and reactions and trying to carefully raise the issues and relationship counselling etc etc I just feel blank and numb now. Because although he believes he's done EVERYTHING I asked and changed his behaviour loads, it's not really changed at all. It's like the same stuff with different packaging - sure no shouting, "conversations" are a bit shorter BUT they are still full of blame, projections, emotional manipulation, confusing word salad, telling me what I feel/think/mean.

I'm just not able to muster the will and enthusiasm to keep trying x

I understand that.  This is where I'm at.  Maybe without trying all the things you have.  The issues used to be a little different when did some of things she is asking for, but the situation was not better.  She just blamed me about different things.  She has always acted this way but I have only recently but the BPD picture together.  I agree with CAT that motivation is something that I generate.  I'm just not sure it's something I want to generate anymore.  Definitely not right now

[Cat Familiar]

There’s nothing wrong with throwing in the towel and ending a relationship that you realize is not what you want.

However, if there’s the slightest possibility that you still harbor a sliver of love, it’s worth it to read as much as you can about BPD, learn new behavioral strategies, and make every effort to make things better. Some seemingly hopeless situations have been turned around. My life is an example of that.

On the other hand, there are some individuals who are so damaged that even if you consistently did everything possible, they would still wreak destruction and havoc. I didn’t know about BPD in my first marriage, but I suspect my ex is an example of this. Even now, I occasionally receive phone calls from creditors across the country trying to track him down. A couple of years after our divorce he was on the Sheriff’s wanted list when he fled the state after a domestic violence conviction in his subsequent marriage.

Whatever you decide, imagine your life in 5 years, 10 years, 20 years. Is this the person you want to wake up with?

Inaction is a decision too. We see many members here who’ve been unhappy for decades and in their latter years struggle to decide if it’s worth it to upend their lives in hope for a more peaceful situation. Options for them are more limited.

[alterK]

Withdrawal sounds like doing nothing, but in a situation like this it's not. It's a protective action. When you feel your coping mechanisms are exhausted, when your partner has stepped over a certain line, when the last straw has been piled on, it's what you do to keep yourself from being hurt more. Your W is aware of this, which is why she's complaining.

There is nothing wrong with your doing this. You are entitled to protect yourself from being hurt. As Cat has said, though, you will eventually have to make a decision: Do you want to continue living like this, or do you want to move on to something else?

Moving on can go either way. You can try to re-establish intimacy with your W. If she has BPD you can have only limited expectations of her understanding/sympathy, but it may not be zero. Or you can continue detaching and finally end the relationship. Or you can continue living the way you do now, staying distant. She may get accustomed to this and complain less, but it's not necessarily a happy way to live, for either of you.