working on a new perspective

[Depression = 72% of members]

For the past few weeks I’ve been shifting my perspective from “magic thinking” and blind hope that everything will be solved when the person with BPD comes back into my life (my ex, who I have been through many "cycles" with over the past few years), towards a more grounded point of view. I have been struggling with some points, and any insight would be welcome!

A quick update : I let the person with BPD in my life know that I care about them and hope we can work things out. Before messaging them, I thought about my motivation: I felt like I wanted to make my feelings clear to them, because it might have been lost when communication ended abruptly. It seems like my message went through. I haven't gotten a response, and I'm okay with that.

• About my trip: I had mentionned before that I was planning a trip to go see my ex before he stopped talking to me. I had been planning to go earlier this year, and he had been very excited for me to visit, even saying he was "so excited he started to feel scared". I believe the fact that I didn't end up going at the time (tickets were out of my budget) contributed to him subsequently growing "disinterested" in me. Prices are low again for the end of May. I want to go through with my plans regardless (I have wanted to visit this city for a long time, and one of my close friends lives there as well). It feels like such a shame though!
• What I would do if they were to contact me again : I struggle with this one, because I feel like I am making an assumption that they will come back, and it would be embarrassing to have thought about all of this about this only for them to really not speak to me again! I guess what I would say to this feeling is, I have enough evidence to suggest that the possibility of them coming back exists. Would it not be beneficial to have a better direction if they did come back, instead of being caught off guard? In the past, I have sort of just let myself be taken by the wave, and I would like to be less passive in the future. I sort of draw a blank when I think about this, like my brain can't think that far ahead.

[tina7868]

For the past few weeks I’ve been shifting my perspective from “magic thinking” and blind hope that everything will be solved when the person with BPD comes back into my life (my ex, who I have been through many "cycles" with over the past few years), towards a more grounded point of view. I have been struggling with some points, and any insight would be welcome!

A quick update : I let the person with BPD in my life know that I care about them and hope we can work things out. Before messaging them, I thought about my motivation: I felt like I wanted to make my feelings clear to them, because it might have been lost when communication ended abruptly. It seems like my message went through. I haven't gotten a response, and I'm okay with that.

• About my trip: I had mentionned before that I was planning a trip to go see my ex before he stopped talking to me. I had been planning to go earlier this year, and he had been very excited for me to visit, even saying he was "so excited he started to feel scared". I believe the fact that I didn't end up going at the time (tickets were out of my budget) contributed to him subsequently growing "disinterested" in me. Prices are low again for the end of May. I want to go through with my plans regardless (I have wanted to visit this city for a long time, and one of my close friends lives there as well). It feels like such a shame though!
• What I would do if they were to contact me again : I struggle with this one, because I feel like I am making an assumption that they will come back, and it would be embarrassing to have thought about all of this about this only for them to really not speak to me again! I guess what I would say to this feeling is, I have enough evidence to suggest that the possibility of them coming back exists. Would it not be beneficial to have a better direction if they did come back, instead of being caught off guard? In the past, I have sort of just let myself be taken by the wave, and I would like to be less passive in the future. I sort of draw a blank when I think about this, like my brain can't think that far ahead.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

Are you going to inform your ex about your trip? If not, are you hoping there might be a possibility of running into him when you’re there?

Why not create a scenario of what you could say if he contacted you again? How about working it out with us here on this forum?

[tina7868]

Thank you for your answer! Your questions are prompting a lot of thoughts on my end .

To clarify, the city I am visiting is a four hour drive from the town he moved to. I wouldn't go out of my way to visit this town if not to see him, so no, I wouldn't run into him when I am there. Since he stopped answering my messages a couple of weeks ago, I had informed him that I am planning a visit to the area, but that I respect what he said during our previous conversation. I didn't tell him when I would visit, but I don't think I need to give him that information. Like I said, this is a trip I've been excited about for a long time (before he moved to that side of the country!).

I guess I am resentful that he is unresponsive; in the past, he wasn't speaking to me before he came back home (his family still stays here), and just kind of showed up saying he missed me and wanted to be with me again. That's nice and all, but wouldn't you want to make sure I wasn't working, or could take a few days off so we could actually spend time together? I am a busy lady   . I recognize that's part of the impulsivity and emotional lability on his part, he probably didn't even know he was going to call me until right before!

My family members (especially my mother) are very against me visiting. They are saying that my ex will surely contact me, and that it would be very bad. I know they don't want me to get hurt. However, this makes me feel worse in a way because he does know I am coming and hasn't responded! It seems like they have more confidence that he will contact me again than I have...

As for creating a scenario of what I could say if he contacted me again, I think that is a great idea! When I try to imagine what that would be like, I do feel happy despite everything. I pick up, and after asking how he is, my first item would be finding out what his motivation is in calling me. From reading this forum and past experience, I feel like bringing up the way he abruptly ended things is not useful...

Quick story! One time when he ended things, it was because I had sent him a selfie and he claimed I couldn't send him selfies without his consent. Mind you, I had in the past five years sent him countless selfies, so this was very out of the blue. I was apologetic, but there was no talking to him. I notice that he sometimes seems to latch on to new "terms" and use them to twist what I am saying. In this example, he kept repeating "consent", that I needed his "consent". The latest time he stopped talking to me, he kept repeating the term "therapize" as in "don't therapize me" and "I don't mean to therapize you, but I think you need help". Anyways, we never spoke about the selfie consent thing again, I had almost forgotten about it. It was very strange. All this to say, talking to him about whatever led to the end of the last cycle seems futile.

I think I would tell him I was planning on visiting, if he calls before I go out there. I remember last time I had implemented a boundary that we would only talk on the phone (when texting I find there can be a lot of miscommunication, a lot of our arguments were over text). That boundary worked well, but ended up getting blurred as he showed me a lot of affection and would want to talk all the time. Then he'd pull back, and I'd be the one texting him!

Writing all this out has been helpful, sometimes I forget some aspects of the relationship. I guess beyond finding out what his motivation is in calling me, I don't really know what I could do differently.

[tina7868]

I've had a chance to think about what I could do differently, and so I wanted to update my post. I recognize my part to play in the cycles, most specifically what I have done in the past that initiates the "end". It's actually always something very similar, but I've never put it into writing before. And it seems like before the end of every cycle, I had acted in some sort of self protection kind of way.

I sense a pulling away of attention, which usually follows a very close emotional connection (messages every day, being intimate, being emotionnaly supportive as my ex deals was hospitalization, talking about living together). I get the perception that he doesn't care anymore. Sometimes it's because he stops texting me abruptly, once it was because I felt like he could make an effort to see me but didn't (and would say "see you next time!" when he only visits once per year). I would feel hurt, like I deserved more essentially. I start feeling insecure and it's as if I can't not mention that I notice the distance. I think I get in my head about whether I am imagining it or not. I guess I also bring it up because I am seeking reassurance. However I never get the reassurance that I seek. I think this type of conversation, where I am trying to express my feelings, makes him pull back even more. Talking about it actually makes it worse! This is a realization for me, because I guess I was going into these conversations thinking, if someone I cared about told me they felt I was distant, I would make an effort to communicate with them more often because I wouldn't want them to feel hurt. Feeling like the conversation is going nowhere, I'd myself ask for some time to think, or would end up in tears. Subsequently, he'd announce that he doesn't want me in his life anymore, which would officially end the cycle. I have spoken about this part with a therapist before, who told me that his ending things could have something to do with regaining power and control after I mention something I don't like.

I think this pattern doesn't serve me, and that I gave away a lot of my power.

So I guess one of my intentions if the situation ever comes up again is to not mention that I feel the distance, but instead just focus on my life. I accept that, in this relationship, I need to find sources of validation and security outside of this person BPD, those sources being myself, my friends, support groups like within this forum, and even in therapy.

[tina7868]

Hi everyone, I apologize for double posting, but I received a message from my ex tonight right before bed.

It's a pretty formal text message, thanking me for reaching out and wishing me a good visit. He asked where I will be visiting.

I feel like I'm overthinking how I should respond, but at the same time I want to remain aware. Should I match the formal tone?

[Cat Familiar]

I think it would be appropriate to respond in the same manner.

How do you feel about not getting reassurance or validation from him?

[tina7868]

Thank you for your response! I just replied to him by saying where I would be going, he liked the message and then disappeared again  

How do you feel about not getting reassurance or validation from him?

I am going to try my best to reply honestly. Sometimes I think I have become so used to thinking a certain way (that denies and ignores certain negative aspects) that I have difficulty getting in touch with how I really feel.

Having a partner, or a close friend, who you have known for six years, only to realize that you cannot get reassurance or validation from them isn't great. It isn't. I have only experienced a long term relationship with this person, so I don't really know what it's like to be in a healthy relationship. What I imagine if I had to describe one would be reciprocity, being there for each other through life's hardships. At the same time, I have grown a lot from this experience and I feel like I am a stronger person. I've learned to trust myself, truly appreciate the precious support from my close family and friends. I feel loved and happy as I am, and I know (now) that I don't need a partner to make me feel whole or complete. Even in a relationship with another person who is more stable, it would be important for me to not rely on them to make me feel reassured or validated, because I want to do that for myself.

I feel now, as a whole and happy person, I could "take on" a relationship with someone who cannot offer me everything.

[Cat Familiar]

Many of us have not been in a healthy relationship, often due to becoming accustomed to *atypical behavior* in our families of origin and not noticing the  that others who had emotionally healthy family relationships might perceive.

Here’s an article on what constitutes a healthy relationship: https://bpdfamily.com/content/characteristics-healthy-relationships

[tina7868]

Many of us have not been in a healthy relationship, often due to becoming accustomed to *atypical behavior* in our families of origin and not noticing the  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) that others who had emotionally healthy family relationships might perceive.

So true. And even at that, I was very naive.

I feel like I still have that part in me, but learning and reading this forum have helped me face some hard truths.

Thank you for the link. My plan going forward is to take everything a day at a time. I had a dream last night that he appeared again, but I said "I'm sorry, I have plans!"  . I will post any updates when/if they happen .

[tina7868]

Hello all!

This post is a follow up to my thread. Since my last post, my ex contacted me. We video chatted, and have begun texting more regularly.

As for my trip there, he said he was planning on visiting my city on the same dates I was going to fly over there. I've decided now not to go so I can see him. I got excited about seeing him, and want to go on a roadtrip together when he comes. He said that he knows it would be a good time, but he doesn't want to lead me on since he doesn't have the intention of pursing a relationship with me for now. He said he didn't want to hurt me because of how I might read into the trip, but he would be willing to go on a quick two day trip. I feel like that's pretty considerate of him, and he explained it to me in a kind manner.

I was able to express how I saw things differently (instead of just agreeing with him, which is what I usually did). I guess it feels to me like life is short, and I know I like being with him, and so it's worth it for me to go forward and explore different sides of our relationship, since for the past couple of years we've only seen each other briefly and video chatted. I guess I also have in my head what he had previously said about me being the one for him and wanting to date me.

I guess when I write this out this sounds like a "normal" relationship situation where people want different things. And that's fine. I realized before that I would have to take things slow since he runs away from commitment. But he also changes his mind really quickly, and had said hurtful things in the past, and so I get triggered. I think his therapy is going well, I can feel it in the way he talks and asks me how I'm feeling. A few months ago, we never wouldn't have able to have had such a vulnerable conversation.

All this being said, I have been feeling very anxious and recognize this as old behaviour patterns. If he doesn't reply to me, I work myself up into panic attacks. I feel like I was stupid for texting him. A part of me feels like it's my fault that he changed his mind about me, because what else could it be? I am here now, the obstacles that were once in the way of us being together (my strict parents) aren't really issue anymore. I care for him, I want to support him, and yet... I know I need to focus on my self worth and be thankful for what I have in my life. I am just really struggling to navigate this. Remember the pattern I wrote about before? Me being anxious → me acting in a way to "protect" myself, so saying I want space or I try to over-explain my feelings to him looking for a "solution" → we hit a wall because I guess there is no other solution other than him "wanting" me more → he freaks out → he breaks contact with me.  I am at the feeling anxious point and I want to be different.

I am glad to have looked back at what I wrote before in this discussion, because at least I remember that going to him with my feelings isn't a good idea. I don't really know what to do. I feel like I am slipping into old habits (anxiety over texts, assuming the worst i.e. he is choosing not to answer because he doesn't care, wanting to over-explain my emotions, not being able to sleep). This whole forum is about reversing a breakup, which is still what I want. I guess in an ideal world, I would feel confident enough in myself that I'd not take any of his wishy washy behaviour personally. I'd know I deserve love and happiness. I'd know I offer a lot as a partner, that I am kind and thoughtful and loyal. I would feel patient and optimistic about this whole situation, and focus on myself and enjoy my life knowing that things will work out.

What would serve me best towards achieving that? Should I go on a short roadtrip with him? How often should I see him when he comes ? Should I make a boundary that I don't want to be physically intimate and tell him about it?  I don't want it to seem manipulative.

[tina7868]

As before I have pondered what I wrote and have some more reflections.

In my better moments, I understand my ex. Here is someone who is relatively recently diagnosed with a personality disorder, who is learning new skills and coping mechanisms to replace destructive ones that comes from a difficult childhood. He wants to live his life, and not have any commitments or the responsabilities of a relationship as he goes through his journey. And that's not something to be taken personally. When I write it out that way, I really do get it. I accept it. Relationships take work. His priority should be his life.

Then, where does that leave me? Why do I get so anxious? What in my past has led me to behave in such ways? I feel like I am not looking for a relationship with anyone else either. Can I just be happy for him? Is it bad to keep hope in my backpocket and find a way to go through day to day life without getting triggered into spirals myself? I think the answer lies, once again, in loving who I am.