hello estranged ad about to have baby

[feebeetyler]

   I am 60 yo married female with ad who is married and lives out of town. She has decided to hate us and won't let us be part of her life or of her children's. She is about to have another baby and we know nothing about it except the gender through another relative. I'm kinda tapped out right now about her but to sum it up she is consumed with rage towards us. Really unbelievable hatred and rage. I am just coming to realize that she probably has BPD. More later. Just wanted to say hi.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Turkish]

Hi feebeetyler,

We hope to hear more of your story when you get time to post. There are grandparents here who are dealing with similar issues. Take a look at the BPD Family Connections to the right of the board if you have time. There is a lot of good info there which can help explain things.

Turkish

[suchsadness]

Hi feebeetyler   

Welcome to the BPD board.  I am one of the grandparents who has dealt with the same issue as you.  I am short of time right now so this will be a short post.  Over the past 3 years I have been dealing with my adult DD with BPD who sounds very much like yours.  She too was consumed with rage and hatred toward me and her family of origin.  She has 2 beautiful sons and she went no contact with us completely, saying horrible things, making accusations (false as far as I knew), etc.  I read a lot of information, and was given much support from this site as I went through this terrible ordeal.  I also went to a therapist and now take anxiety medication at this point.  This has all paid off and we are currently back in their lives... .and probably a big part of that is that we helped her out when she was at her lowest including being homeless. 

I just wanted to let you know that there are several people on this site who have gone through or are going through the same situation and there is hope that things can get better.  I believe it also helped A LOT to set boundaries and learn to communicate and validate with her in a better way.  Please know that we are here to help you and that taking care of yourself is the best way to start healing from the hurt.   

[feebeetyler]

Thanks for replies. DH is handling this a bit better than me although I have to say his heart is crushed. He is moving on because he feels it is up to AD to make amends. She has not been dx with BPD. It is a label I am giving her after all my reading. It just does not make sense all the rage that she has. It hurts so much because she and her kids were my whole life. Now she won't even talk to me. She called a relative out of the blue and left a message that she is severing ties with her parents. She has gone through this whole pregnancy without talking to me except for nasty emails. She has 2 boys and this one is going to be a girl. I would so adore having a GD that my heart is breaking. I am not sure if I would be playing into her control issues by trying to find a way to communicate (I guess I have already done that but at the time I was so hurt and angry I don't think I was actually addressing the problem of BPD) or do I wait and see if she changes her mind when the baby is born. Will she continue on this hate campaign if I let her ignore us and blame us for not being in her baby's life or is it better for her to come out of this on her own? Will she ever come out of this or will she pick a new target? She insists that she is happy without us.

[lbjnltx]

Hi feebeetyler,

I wanted to say welcome to the family and so sorry to hear that your d and grandchild are not actively in your life at this time.  You must miss them so. 

While we can't know the choices that your daughter will make the chances are high that she will reach out to you sooner or later... .maybe in a crisis.  It's hard to fill the gap between now and then with silence.  The positivity of the silence is it can give you time to learn about the disorder and what's behind the choices your daughter is making.  It is also time when you can learn skills to help better communicate with her. 

Here is some info on the disorder that can help you begin to understand her better:  How it feels to have BPD.  One of the needs your daughter has is to be validated far above the norm.  To feel heard and understood is a universal need and a person with BPD needs this X10.  We have a lot of info on validation that you can look over and begin to put into practice.  Here is some introductory information to get you started:

Communication: stop invalidating others

There is a lot to learn, we are here to help you one step at a time.

lbjnltx