Can you give me a reality check?

[newfreedom]

Dear friends,

Even though I have been in therapy for years, I haven’t resolved the issue of being special.   I still feel a lot of guilt and that is why I need to write and get it out here.

I was the youngest of six.   I’ll indicate  siblings like this:  oldest sister s1, second sister s2, etc.   

We were poor, the last three kids were unwanted so mother tried to abort us.   She kept no secret about that, no surprise there.    She was 39 when I was born and there were six years between me and s5,  13 years between s1 and me.   S1 died a few months ago and that is when a lot of unresolved foo issues surfaced once more.     

(I thought I had dealt with a lot of these issues  but now understand what T meant when she has said frequently that I have been in denial about the effect of my childhood on my life),

My father was alcoholic and I don’t remember him being around much when I was growing up.   He had lots of affairs, no job, etc.   He was a convenient reason for mothers misery.  She blacked him and his entire family.   I grew up hating him, thinking he was the worst person in the world and responsible for the family woes.   I was one with mother.     When I was born, she stopped sleeping with F and started sleeping with me.   She was obsessed with me, she coveted me.   I don’t remember if there was any overt sexual abuse other than the frequent enemas she gave me.   But it was emotionally incestuous.     And while I was a child, it felt good to get so much attention… but not really, because I remember the sick feeling I had when I went to kindergarten, the first day of school.   She was so miserable.   But I loved school and excelled but always felt bad when I had to go to school and leave her.   Recently I was looking at old report cards and noticed that she had kept me out of school for over 40 days in kindergarten!

My siblings called me a spoiled brat a lot because I never got blamed for anything, if I did something wrong, it was never my fault, always their fault.    Mother was institutionalized with mental breakdowns twice from the time I was 5-8 years old.   

Once when I was about 10, I was caught stealing a pack of gum from the neighborhood grocer.   I was with a friend at the time.   Mother blamed the friend, not me.   I told her we both took it but she insisted it was not my fault, it had to be my friend’s fault because  her baby would never do something like that.   No punishment, nothing.   

 

I was never made responsible for any of my actions.   If I did something good, not much was said, but if I did something bad, my siblings got blamed.   I was more an object than a person I guess you could say. 

When I turned 12, she went ballistic because I began to notice boys.   She became insanely jealous and from that point forward, my life became hell.    This is where it gets very confusing for me.    My mother was obsessed with me.   She hated anyone I loved and would not allow me to date.   She spent her the rest of her life focusing on my every move and making my sisters responsible for helping her get me to do what she wanted. 

I was the topic of most of the daily conversations that she had with siblings into my adult life, after I married, divorced, lived on my own….it never let up.    I never needed bailed out of anything.   I took care of myself, owned my own home, had a good job, never got in trouble with the law, etc.   She drove the sibs insane over the current boyfriend of lack of one.      Every once in awhile, she would obsess on F or Brother’s family and in laws who she also hated.    I prayed that my F or B would do something to piss her off so she would get off my back.   

My siblings resented me of course because she was obsessed with me and she barely noticed anything they did.   I loved and look up to them.   They colluded with mother to keep me with her….even after I married the first time,  S5 actively tried to destroy my marriage so I would go back home with her.      I felt and still feel guilty for being so special, her favorite.   It gave me a kind of sick status that made me feel powerful but miserable.   I was pretty much resented by sibs and had no parents.   Sibs at least had eachother.   They hit_ed about me much of the time.   I couldn’t do anything right.     I don't blame them for hating me, really, mother set it up for them to hate me, I think so I would have no one but her.     I did escape from mother’s home finally, in my late 20’s but never really left home emotionally, I am realizing now.   

Sometimes I still dream that she is alive,  and I am surprised because, I think, didn’t she die?   But no, she is alive and I am still living with her!    It is the very worst of my nightmares. 

I feel sick and confused writing this.    Why do I still feel guilty for getting nothing?    I feel bad I think because I enjoyed the power, the status, the feeling of having something special about me that sibs didn’t have that made me the “apple of her eye” the one that she favored…..the one she was hot for.                

It was so sick, wasn’t it?    I feel bad in my core.   I am an intelligent person...so why do I still feel so much guilt?

[Jbird]

    such an open and honest thing to write. I hope it gets you closer to the healing you need! 

[LionDreamer]

I was never made responsible for any of my actions.   If I did something good, not much was said, but if I did something bad, my siblings got blamed.   I was more an object than a person I guess you could say. 

My siblings resented me of course because she was obsessed with me and she barely noticed anything they did.   I loved and look up to them.   They colluded with mother to keep me with her….even after I married the first time,  S5 actively tried to destroy my marriage so I would go back home with her.      I felt and still feel guilty for being so special, her favorite.   

Sometimes I still dream that she is alive,  and I am surprised because, I think, didn’t she die?   But no, she is alive and I am still living with her!    It is the very worst of my nightmares. 

I feel sick and confused writing this.    Why do I still feel guilty for getting nothing?    I feel bad I think because I enjoyed the power, the status, the feeling of having something special about me that sibs didn’t have that made me the “apple of her eye” the one that she favored…..the one she was hot for.                

It was so sick, wasn’t it?    I feel bad in my core.   I am an intelligent person...so why do I still feel so much guilt?

Hi newfreedom,  such a difficult and painful story.  I'm so sorry.   Why so much guilt?  I think the reason so many of us suffer from guilt - because we are human beings who have a heart and feel things.   Your mom tangled you up in so many complicated, toxic interconnected relationships - you have to recognize that you managed the best you could under horrifying circumstances.   You were a child for heavens sakes, you didn't create the circumstances, you responded to them as best as you possibly could have.   

You know I was raped when I was in my early 20s.   I have always thought it ironic  that I was to be the one who felt the shame of that.  Really I didn't do anything?  Yet that is completely common.    Same with your guilt.  Its ironic that you are the one ending up with the guilt when you didn't do anything to cause it!

Again, I have to honor your courage in looking at this and working it through, 

x

LD

[joiesophie]

    newfreedom,

Wow.  A couple of thing just jumped off the page at me, so to speak.  I slept with mother from the age of 3 (or so) until I graduated from college.  From what I understand, it was probably that mother didn't want me to be 'separate' from her. I missed so much kindergarten - too!  I was the 'sickly' one.    I was, however, seen as spoiled and overprotected by the extended foo.   

Never thought I would find anyone with a similar experience. 

I wasn't the 'special' one, though.  That was reserved for 'numberbefore2' sister.  She is uBPD and is of course, very very special. 

js

[random]

Newfreedom, your mother saddled you with something very poisonous. On one hand, you got picked as special, but on the other, it was through nothing you did, it was only to exploit you and it made your relationships with your siblings completely warped.

It's such a double bind, because on one hand, you feel guilty for having had a better status than they did - and on the other, there is also pain in acknowledging that you are not actually special in that special, mom's little idol way, that you are what you weren't allowed to be - a human being, with all the frailties involved.

I have this perspective because I was alternately the strangely idolized child and the scapegoat, so I know something of your experience (although I grew up as an only child).

The antidote? Know that you DIDN'T DO IT. You had this whole thing thrust upon you. You just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Your mother dropped a brick on your head. You didn't invent the brick or cause it to fall or somehow own the brick. You just need to nurse yourself out of the concussion.

Does that help?

[joiesophie]

nf,

It's a really BIG brick...'nobody' sees it 'cause then they'd have to acknowledge that we didn't make it up. 

js

[newfreedom]

   such an open and honest thing to write. I hope it gets you closer to the healing you need! 

Jbird,  interesting you say that.   I slept last night in a way I haven't slept in years.    This forum is a true miracle and I can not believe God is so good to have led me here.   Just the writing and having it witnessed and read by so many people is healing...to look in the column that tells you the number of times your post was read makes me feel relief.   So much of the healing is in the telling, isn't it?    And being heard, well that is the icing on the cake.   

[newfreedom]

Your mom tangled you up in so many complicated, toxic interconnected relationships - you have to recognize that you managed the best you could under horrifying circumstances.   You were a child for heavens sakes, you didn't create the circumstances, you responded to them as best as you possibly could have.   

You know I was raped when I was in my early 20s.   I have always thought it ironic  that I was to be the one who felt the shame of that.  Really I didn't do anything?  Yet that is completely common.    Same with your guilt.  Its ironic that you are the one ending up with the guilt when you didn't do anything to cause it!

Again, I have to honor your courage in looking at this and working it through, 

x

LD

Dear LD,

You know, that is a very good point you make about being a rape vicitim and carrying the shame of it.   That analogy helps me a lot.   Thank you for the acknowledging that I was a child and managed the best I could, that child is saying in a loud voice right now,

thank you for saying it was horrifying.    My T is the only one I have shared stuff with up until now b/c, well we all know why, who the hell can I share this with?   Anyway to hear/read a comment like it was horrifying is like putting water on a raging fire.   

[newfreedom]

nf,

It's a really BIG brick...'nobody' sees it 'cause then they'd have to acknowledge that we didn't make it up. 

js

Dear J, SO TRUE!

[newfreedom]

Newfreedom, your mother saddled you with something very poisonous. On one hand, you got picked as special, but on the other, it was through nothing you did, it was only to exploit you and it made your relationships with your siblings completely warped.

It's such a double bind, because on one hand, you feel guilty for having had a better status than they did - and on the other, there is also pain in acknowledging that you are not actually special in that special, mom's little idol way, that you are what you weren't allowed to be - a human being, with all the frailties involved.

I have this perspective because I was alternately the strangely idolized child and the scapegoat, so I know something of your experience (although I grew up as an only child).

The antidote? Know that you DIDN'T DO IT. You had this whole thing thrust upon you. You just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Your mother dropped a brick on your head. You didn't invent the brick or cause it to fall or somehow own the brick. You just need to nurse yourself out of the concussion.

Does that help?

dear random,  Does that help?  Well that would be a resounding yes.   

It feels so confusing though and I feel a lot of guilt because I have been working on this  since mother died in 1989, I'm 63 years old, and STILL haven't teased it out yet. 

I remember going to mother's for Sunday dinner.   I would have to go alone, without my former H because he wasn't allowed in because he wasn't good enough for me, the special one.   All the S's would be there with their H's and kids.  Their H's were allowed to go to mothers because the S's weren't as special to mother as I was.   And because the S's weren't as special as me, their H's were acceptable b/c after all, the S's were just average people.   Then when I would leave to go home, mother would fix a huge box of food for me to take home with me.   No one else was given anything to take home.   Mind you, it wasn't for me to give to H, it was given to me in front of S's to let everyone know that I was the special one.   I hated and loved taking that food.   It was so sick.   And now as I write, and ask myself,  was it that I loved?   If I didn't play that role, then I might have to be average like everyone else, I LIKED BEING SPECIAL and that is why I feel the guilt. 

After I divorced H, I stopped going to Sunday dinner, and interestingly, so did everyone else.   

I was 30 years old at the time all that happened, old enough to know better , old enough to get the hell away from them.   But it seemed that everytime I tried to get some distance, I would end up in relationships with really crazy people, like your T, and go running back to them.     

I can so relate to your saying that you were both idolized and scapegoated.   I felt both intensely idolized and intensely scapegoated at the same time ALL OF THE TIME.   Mother and sisters were constantly conspiring to keep me in that role and in the fold.  S's conspired with mother to keep me in that role, and yet they resented and hated me for it because really, my life had to come before theirs.  I had no family, no real friends, wanted to die each and every day.   

Hard to express how much it means to me to be able to put this out there.

Thanks to all who read it.   

[newfreedom]

   newfreedom,

Wow.  A couple of thing just jumped off the page at me, so to speak.  I slept with mother from the age of 3 (or so) until I graduated from college.  From what I understand, it was probably that mother didn't want me to be 'separate' from her. I missed so much kindergarten - too!  I was the 'sickly' one.    I was, however, seen as spoiled and overprotected by the extended foo.   

Never thought I would find anyone with a similar experience. 

I wasn't the 'special' one, though.  That was reserved for 'numberbefore2' sister.  She is uBPD and is of course, very very special. 

js

Dear J,

Given that I held the same role as "numberbefore2" sister, can you tell me if you feel resentment toward me after having read my posts?     Please tell me honestly b/c I do understand if you do, thanks. x

[random]

Mind you, it wasn't for me to give to H, it was given to me in front of S's to let everyone know that I was the special one.   I hated and loved taking that food.   It was so sick.   And now as I write, and ask myself,  was it that I loved?

It's really brave and honest that you acknowledge all of these feelings. I am wondering, though, if you are being too hard on yourself? Because everyone wants love from their parents. And people who were treated by their mothers as a source of gratification were essentially ignored, abused and UN-loved by them, whether the mother's behaviour was hostile or idolizing at any given moment. If being singled out in this way was the only thing resembling genuine love and care that you could get, is it any wonder you were hungry for it? A person who is soul-searching so honestly doesn't strike me as someone who would derive gratification from putting others down. It's very possible that your feelings arise from a much more innocent place.

Your mom sounds like one sick puppy, and the work you are doing is HUGE, so go easy, eh?

[joiesophie]

Dear J,

Given that I held the same role as "numberbefore2" sister, can you tell me if you feel resentment toward me after having read my posts?     Please tell me honestly b/c I do understand if you do, thanks. x

Dear NF,

    no resentment.  no way.

You see me.  You ask how I am.    

my onlygotonesister was the cause of my pain, and didn't see me.  

You understood why I didn't want to go to dinner and supported me!

Until you shared your journey, I thought special and NOT sleeping with mother went together.  'special' sister got her own room, got lots I could only dream of.  However, being 'crazy' was part of the package.   Your story helps me understand that BPD is a buffet style disorder.  I got some of column A and column B.  

js

[newfreedom]

Mind you, it wasn't for me to give to H, it was given to me in front of S's to let everyone know that I was the special one.   I hated and loved taking that food.   It was so sick.   And now as I write, and ask myself,  was it that I loved?

It's really brave and honest that you acknowledge all of these feelings. I am wondering, though, if you are being too hard on yourself? Because everyone wants love from their parents. And people who were treated by their mothers as a source of gratification were essentially ignored, abused and UN-loved by them, whether the mother's behaviour was hostile or idolizing at any given moment. If being singled out in this way was the only thing resembling genuine love and care that you could get, is it any wonder you were hungry for it? A person who is soul-searching so honestly doesn't strike me as someone who would derive gratification from putting others down. It's very possible that your feelings arise from a much more innocent place.

Your mom sounds like one sick puppy, and the work you are doing is HUGE, so go easy, eh?

Random,

Yes, I believe that I have been hard on myself, thanks for pointing that out b/c it hadn't occurred to me.   I guess I just want to get well and know that I am as sick as my secrets.     No I don't get gratification from putting others down.   Thanks for reminding me of that.   I recently retired from  school counseling, worked with abused kids  and families for 40+ years and gave my heart and soul to helping others like me for most of my life.   It was gratifying to be an advocate for kids who had no voice, and that helped me to heal too.   But when I was very young, about 7 or 8 years old, I remember my mother giving me a pigeon of all things.   I remember playing with the bird in the basement and throwing her around, not smashing her with my hand or anything like that, but I wasn't gentle with her like I should have been.    I love animals and would never dream of hurting one, so I look back at that time with disgust at my behavior.   Then, there was a neighbor who was a year or two younger than me.   I remember getting great pleasure from pushing and making him fall down because I was bigger.   I had no remorse about that.   He was the only child I ever bullied, but I myself had been bullied by others, not regularly but once in awhile.     My older siblings used to call me a spoiled brat and told me that I'd never have any friends.    I did have friends in school though, more that I wanted really.   In looking back at my early childhood, I worry about why I behaved this way and never felt remorse.    Posting this has helped me to see what probably happened.  Mother never made me accountable for my behavior, good or bad.   If it was good, so what, and if it was bad, it wasn't my fault.    Thank God for good therapy and good friends along the path with helping me to grow up and develop character. 

Thanks so much for your thoughtful response, it has helped greatly.   

[newfreedom]

Dear J,

Given that I held the same role as "numberbefore2" sister, can you tell me if you feel resentment toward me after having read my posts?     Please tell me honestly b/c I do understand if you do, thanks. x

Dear NF,

    no resentment.  no way.

You see me.  You ask how I am.    

my onlygotonesister was the cause of my pain, and didn't see me.  

You understood why I didn't want to go to dinner and supported me!

Until you shared your journey, I thought special and NOT sleeping with mother went together.  'special' sister got her own room, got lots I could only dream of.  However, being 'crazy' was part of the package.   Your story helps me understand that BPD is a buffet style disorder.  I got some of column A and column B.  

js

Dear JS,  You make me laugh.    Buffet style?   Interesting analogy b/c everytime I go to one of those I get sick.  I have some food sensitivities and always manage to eat too much of something I shouldn't, and end up dreadfully ill the next day.   I had a feeling, and was hoping you'd tell me what you did but it helps to actually read your words.  I want to hug you.   x  nf

[random]

Newfreedom, it's really good that you are willing to look at your dark side and the feelings and behaviours that you consider wrong. I salute you in doing that.

Just know that where it comes to feelings provoked by your mom, you were a child in whom a vicious adult went out of her way to provoke those feelings.

I had bullied a child too, when I was growing up. I would do what mom does: hit her, then comfort her. It puzzled me greatly when she complained to her parents, who complained to mine, who then yelled at me for doing it. I had no idea that what I was doing was wrong! And it's not that I got pleasure out of doing what I did, it's just that I was a leader of a group of slightly younger kids, and that's how leaders relate to underlings.

A lot of children's behaviour is what they learn from their parents.

[joiesophie]

Oh nf,

   !  I'm so sorry that your mother wasn't there for you.  You didn't know better.  If you didn't have the ability to know that something wasn't right - you wouldn't be posting about your feelings about it.  Would you have expected different from the children you helped in your years as a counselor?  Your mother didn't teach you how to play with the pigeon, did she?  So, how would you know?  

I never understood what it was like to be a child.  So I thought that being a kid was 'stupid' and that being an adult - at the age of 4?  was the way to go...  And I 'should have known' how to do things.  Gee whilickers, I wouldn't expect my cats to go and get their food at the store... But that's exactly what I expected of me - and I'm guessing you expected of you.  

But I WAS a child, and I was parentified when my foo felt like it.  

Be kind to yourself, nf...

I can talk the talk, but sometimes walking the walk that goes with it - I need help, too.  

js

[Cordelia]

Yes, I believe that I have been hard on myself, thanks for pointing that out b/c it hadn't occurred to me.   I guess I just want to get well and know that I am as sick as my secrets.     No I don't get gratification from putting others down.   Thanks for reminding me of that.   I recently retired from  school counseling, worked with abused kids  and families for 40+ years and gave my heart and soul to helping others like me for most of my life.   It was gratifying to be an advocate for kids who had no voice, and that helped me to heal too.   But when I was very young, about 7 or 8 years old, I remember my mother giving me a pigeon of all things.   I remember playing with the bird in the basement and throwing her around, not smashing her with my hand or anything like that, but I wasn't gentle with her like I should have been.    I love animals and would never dream of hurting one, so I look back at that time with disgust at my behavior.

I think this says it all, really.  You devoted your adult life to helping others who experienced what you did.  

You really aren't responsible for making poor decisions at the age of 7 or 8!  It really is your parents' job to model for you things like how to treat animals (and other small helpless creatures - such as children!) kindly and respectfully at that age.  They clearly did not do that, and in fact modeled the opposite.  It's amazing you realized as an adult that this was not right and decided to do your best to fight this kind of behavior.  I think it's so much harder for the child who is idolized, because they are naturally drawn to the "love" offered by the BPD parent that is really a trap.  And then feel enormous guilt, as you do, for enjoying the feeling of being loved and cared for, when they realize that it hurt others.  My sister is dealing with very similar feelings.  It's too bad your siblings can't see that the situation was not one of your making.  But at least we at bpdfamily can tell you - your responses were the most natural thing in the world, what every child wants from their parents, and what every child truly deserves - the feeling of being loved and understood in all their uniqueness.  It's not your fault at all that as a child you couldn't tell that this love was not genuine.  

    I'm glad you're here.  Not that many children who were painted white reach this level of insight, I think.  You can help all of us understand these dynamics better.  

[LionDreamer]

But when I was very young, about 7 or 8 years old, I remember my mother giving me a pigeon of all things.   I remember playing with the bird in the basement and throwing her around, not smashing her with my hand or anything like that, but I wasn't gentle with her like I should have been.    I love animals and would never dream of hurting one, so I look back at that time with disgust at my behavior.   Then, there was a neighbor who was a year or two younger than me.   I remember getting great pleasure from pushing and making him fall down because I was bigger.   I had no remorse about that.   He was the only child I ever bullied, but I myself had been bullied by others, not regularly but once in awhile.     My older siblings used to call me a spoiled brat and told me that I'd never have any friends.    I did have friends in school though, more that I wanted really.   In looking back at my early childhood, I worry about why I behaved this way and never felt remorse. 

Hi nf,

I couldn't help but to notice that you are so hard on yourself when you were so  young.   People have advised me to go easy on myself and I pass that along to you.   There are two main ways that children learn to behave in the outside world, through modelling of the adults in their lives and through experimentation.   It sounds like you had to do the experimentation route because that ws the only one available to you.   So you experimented and to my ears, you had a really quick learning curve on that because you obviously have a strong and open heart.   In fact, with all the negative modelling, getting bullied, your toxic family relationships, I think its a wonder that you can count so few "sins" to your soul.    Practice some self-forgiveness.  It sounds like its way past time. 

You so deserve it,

LD

[newfreedom]

Yes, I believe that I have been hard on myself, thanks for pointing that out b/c it hadn't occurred to me.   I guess I just want to get well and know that I am as sick as my secrets.     No I don't get gratification from putting others down.   Thanks for reminding me of that.   I recently retired from  school counseling, worked with abused kids  and families for 40+ years and gave my heart and soul to helping others like me for most of my life.   It was gratifying to be an advocate for kids who had no voice, and that helped me to heal too.   But when I was very young, about 7 or 8 years old, I remember my mother giving me a pigeon of all things.   I remember playing with the bird in the basement and throwing her around, not smashing her with my hand or anything like that, but I wasn't gentle with her like I should have been.    I love animals and would never dream of hurting one, so I look back at that time with disgust at my behavior.

I think this says it all, really.  You devoted your adult life to helping others who experienced what you did.  

You really aren't responsible for making poor decisions at the age of 7 or 8!  It really is your parents' job to model for you things like how to treat animals (and other small helpless creatures - such as children!) kindly and respectfully at that age.  They clearly did not do that, and in fact modeled the opposite.  It's amazing you realized as an adult that this was not right and decided to do your best to fight this kind of behavior.  I think it's so much harder for the child who is idolized, because they are naturally drawn to the "love" offered by the BPD parent that is really a trap.  And then feel enormous guilt, as you do, for enjoying the feeling of being loved and cared for, when they realize that it hurt others.  My sister is dealing with very similar feelings.  It's too bad your siblings can't see that the situation was not one of your making.  But at least we at bpdfamily can tell you - your responses were the most natural thing in the world, what every child wants from their parents, and what every child truly deserves - the feeling of being loved and understood in all their uniqueness.  It's not your fault at all that as a child you couldn't tell that this love was not genuine.  

    I'm glad you're here.  Not that many children who were painted white reach this level of insight, I think.  You can help all of us understand these dynamics better.  

Salome,  It is hard to express how deeply your words have touched me.   I am still trying to process it.   I want to say more and will soon.   Now I am taking DH out for lunch!

Happy Day to you and yours,  nf

[joiesophie]

nf,

I didn't really 'get' the painted white thing until salome wrote about it. 

Thanks for helping me figure stuff out.

Happy     day!

js

[newfreedom]

. 

Hi nf,

I couldn't help but to notice that you are so hard on yourself when you were so  young.   People have advised me to go easy on myself and I pass that along to you.   There are two main ways that children learn to behave in the outside world, through modelling of the adults in their lives and through experimentation.   It sounds like you had to do the experimentation route because that ws the only one available to you.   So you experimented and to my ears, you had a really quick learning curve on that because you obviously have a strong and open heart.   In fact, with all the negative modelling, getting bullied, your toxic family relationships, I think its a wonder that you can count so few "sins" to your soul.    Practice some self-forgiveness.  It sounds like its way past time. 

You so deserve it,

LD

Dear LD,  Yes I am and have always been hard on myself.   And I am seeing that my therapist hasn't really helped me very much with that peice.   She is and always has been, since 1997  (when I started therapy with her) very hard on me I think.  She is rigorous about holding me responsilble for my part in EVERYYHING.    She has a lot of New Age beliefs which include that we attract whatever energy is in our space, even when we are cut off in traffic by some lunatic.   That has been good in some ways but I really think it has kept me in denial about the abuse in my foo.   Then recently, she told me that she thought that I was in denial about the effects of the abuse.   She is correct about that but SHE certainly has played a part in that.    The good thing is though, that when I confronted about her about that last week, she said yes, she did play a part and that is a problem with her brand of therapy, she did apologize.   I notice though that I continue to be angry about it.    I am praying about how to deal with this issue.

Aside from that,  even before T, I was hard on myself, I think because of the whole special drama with foo.   I liked it and that caused others to be hurt even though I didn't start it, it continued throughout my adult life and I didn't stop it.    

Thank you soo much for your compassion, hard to say in words how much I appreciate your taking the time to write me.   x

[joiesophie]

Dear nf,

I so get the 'new age' piece about attracting energy.  I thought it was true, attracting the crazy and deserving the foo.  My T is NOT taking it. (edited - gee whilickers the NOT is so important!)

She said crazy is everywhere. It's not just showing up at my door.  And then there are the non's that are in my world.  Sort of buffet thing going on.  I think the big lesson is to trust your gut - and if you feel crazy coming to visit - RUN!

I'm thinking that the answer is somewhere between attracting it and having it show up in your world.

js  

[LionDreamer]

Yes I am and have always been hard on myself.   And I am seeing that my therapist hasn't really helped me very much with that peice.   She is and always has been, since 1997  (when I started therapy with her) very hard on me I think.  She is rigorous about holding me responsilble for my part in EVERYYHING.    She has a lot of New Age beliefs which include that we attract whatever energy is in our space, even when we are cut off in traffic by some lunatic.   That has been good in some ways but I really think it has kept me in denial about the abuse in my foo.   Then recently, she told me that she thought that I was in denial about the effects of the abuse.   She is correct about that but SHE certainly has played a part in that.    The good thing is though, that when I confronted about her about that last week, she said yes, she did play a part and that is a problem with her brand of therapy, she did apologize.   I notice though that I continue to be angry about it.    

I gotta tell you nf, and I hope I'm not out of line here about this . . . it makes me angry just reading it.  An apology is something like "sorry I broke your dish, it slipped out of my hands, let me see if I can replace it."  Or "sorry I snapped at you, I have a headache and it wasn't your fault"   Notice each of those are for individual incidents and include, taking responsibility eg:  getting a new plate, owning one's own emotional outburst.   Its not, "I'm sorry I broke one of your plates every day for the past 10 years but its OK because I have a New Age belief system"  (That really sticks in my craw, BTW because my belief system is that if a therapist is trying to fit what you are saying into their own belief system, they can't really be present to listen to you . . . geezzz  . . . where have we seen this pattern before?)  Did your therapist offer you anything in the way of contrition to make it right?   

I wonder, and this could be something brutal for me to say so be forewarned but I wonder if there is something about this therapist who might be filling in for your FOO - a belief system where everything is your fault, even if it isn't, taking responsiblity but only with the previso that its really OK because they are just oh so wonderful, etc . . . .

If your New Age therapist says even a lunatic cutting you off in traffic is YOUR energy, talk to T about Kokopelli, the trickster, I'm sure T will get the reference.   The trickster is a figure in many earth based systems on which New Age draws its symbols and beliefs who who steps into the world and tricks people and generally causes some random havoc. 

Might be time for a move,

LD

[random]

Wow, newfreedom, your therapist doesn't sound very helpful at all. I'm sorry to say that because you've invested a lot of time with her, but in this particular aspect, I think she does something very damaging - replicating the very abusive framework you grew up with. In an abusive situation, the victim's behaviour is held to rigorous scrutiny while the abuser's is not. The victim has none of the power and all of the accountability, whereas the abuser has all of the power and none of the accountability. She just put you right back into that position.

Do you think looking for another therapist might help? You've spent a lot of time with her! And if you are still in a very raw place with your recovery, it does not reflect well on her as a whole, though it reflects very well on your determination to work things through and get better.

Ugh. Yes, it's important to examine what we do that helps revictimization, and how we can get better as adults at protecting ourselves from it, but it is grossly unfair to hold the victim responsible for being victimized! You don't blame the rabbit for being hunted by a wolf! It's what wolves do! What you do is, you give the rabbit a great big baseball bat and night-vision binoculars so it can have a better chance!

Sheesh. I'm angry at your therapist too. And no wonder you are experiencing a lot of anger yourself! Who wouldn't?

[newfreedom]

You really aren't responsible for making poor decisions at the age of 7 or 8!  It really is your parents' job to model for you things like how to treat animals (and other small helpless creatures - such as children!) kindly and respectfully at that age.  They clearly did not do that, and in fact modeled the opposite.  It's amazing you realized as an adult that this was not right and decided to do your best to fight this kind of behavior.  I think it's so much harder for the child who is idolized, because they are naturally drawn to the "love" offered by the BPD parent that is really a trap.  And then feel enormous guilt, as you do, for enjoying the feeling of being loved and cared for, when they realize that it hurt others.  My sister is dealing with very similar feelings.  It's too bad your siblings can't see that the situation was not one of your making.  But at least we at bpdfamily can tell you - your responses were the most natural thing in the world, what every child wants from their parents, and what every child truly deserves - the feeling of being loved and understood in all their uniqueness.  It's not your fault at all that as a child you couldn't tell that this love was not genuine.  

    I'm glad you're here.  Not that many children who were painted white reach this level of insight, I think.  You can help all of us understand these dynamics better.  

I had never realized that piece on a conscious level, that the love I received hurt others.   That is true.   S’s were taught to believe that their lives were not as important as mine.  They had to drop stuff to accommodate my needs or mother would give them no peace.

I needed rides back and forth to college and s’s husbands were expected to do this.   That was the first year, after that I had a bf who did it.      But it wasn’t really the logistical kinds of things that were needed that hurt them.   I think it was just the way mother related to me.   Anything and everything I did was a BIG DEAL.    And after puberty, everything I did was a bad big deal because I was trying to differentiate and mother went nuts and drove s’s crazy.   She made them responsible for making sure that I did what she wanted.   So sad.   We were all badly hurt by the attention I received. 

You also mention that it is too that sisters could not see that the situation was not one of my making.   I need to share about that.   The oldest S, who died recently would not talk to me about it ever.    She was painted white ALL the time and she thought mother walked on water and would get crazy if anyone ever uttered a bad word about mother.     The rest pay lip service only, they have said that they can see that I didn't create it but really have no clue of the damage that mother created in their lives either.    You can see that by the way they have raised my poor neices and nephews who are also terribly wounded.      My oldest of the remaining sisters is 75 and the youngest is 69.     S2 is dependent on valium type drugs so she is usually numbed out.   She has the worst case of uBPD of the entire family, even worse than mother.   I feel so sorry for her kids, they are truly the walking wounded.    S3 is alcoholic and most likely BPD.   S4 is uBPD, no question and also alcoholic.   B is raging alcoholic.

It's no wonder.   I am the only one who has gotten help.      I attended Alanon for many years to deal with the family alcoholism and that helped a lot.   

It sounds like you and your S can communicate about foo?  How lucky you are to have eachother.   I have always been totally alone in this.     Thanks, again Salome for helping me let go of a little more poison.   

[newfreedom]

DEar JS, LD, and Random,

Thanks so much for the thoughtful about my T.  You have given me a lot to chew on...  I am tired and like Scarlett Ohara will worry about this tomorrow.    Hope you all had a great     Day!  nf    x

[joiesophie]

Good morning, nf!

I'm so glad you're here !  You have been so supportive of what I've dealt with in the past week.   x   I had to face up to some pretty challenging things - and you were there for me.  When I wrote this :

Dear nf,

I so get the 'new age' piece about attracting energy.  I thought it was true, attracting the crazy and deserving the foo.  My T is NOT taking it. (edited - gee whilickers the NOT is so important!)

She said crazy is everywhere. It's not just showing up at my door.  And then there are the non's that are in my world.  Sort of buffet thing going on.  I think the big lesson is to trust your gut - and if you feel crazy coming to visit - RUN!

I'm thinking that the answer is somewhere between attracting it and having it show up in your world.

js   

I was writing about how your thread fits what I'm doing with my T.  What fits best for YOU is totally up to you. There have been times when people gave me advice and they were well meaning, but their suggestion so wasn't a fit.  Other times, it was the right words at the right time.   

js

[LionDreamer]

How're doing today?

LD

[newfreedom]

How're doing today?

LD

Hi LD,

I'm doing ok.   Still chewing.   I'm easily influenced by the opinions of others and am working hard to find my own voice.   Like I said in my post, I'm still angry with my T but it's not black and white.   She has been the mother I never had in many ways so this is a highly charged issue for me.   I am clear that I need to just sit in the feelings and pray for guidance.   Also clear that I need to do more processing with T about my feelings before making any decision about staying or leaving. 

I so much appreciate your validation of my angry feelings.   And thanks for checking in,

nf   x