I need help for my 13yr old niece

[18kblonde]

Hello

I need help. A little for myself emotionally but a whole lot for my 13yr old niece.  My sister has a very extreme case of BPD.  Textbook and then some.

  My niece has a broken molar tooth. I found out about it last May. She lied to me & said she'd been to a dentist. On Black Friday I saw her again & she had not seen a dentist.  I looked in her mouth w a light & the tooth is visibly half gone & broken under the gum line. She cried & begged me not to say anything to her mom. My sister instructed her to not let me find out about her tooth.  My sis doesn't want me to think she's a bad mother.  I am a mandated reporter. This is neglect in my opinion.  I asked our father to speak to my sis & deal with the tooth.  That didn't go over well.  I may as well be Ferris Buelers older sister where my dad is concerned. And if he doesn't take my sisters side she will play the emotional extortion game on him.  After a much heated argument my Dad agreed to address the topic with my sister & make sure my niece got to a dentist. That was on Black Friday.  Today I found out my niece still has not seen a dentist. She has graduated from children's aspirin to adult Advil, Tylenol, Motrin... .Basically my sister is giving her whatever pain medication she needs instead of taking her to the dentist.   That's what my sister admits to.  I would not be surprised if she was giving her norco.

My sister is unemployed. She qualifies for denti-cal but refuses to apply because she is pretending to be married to her boyfriend.  She swears she has wonderful full coverage 100% no co-pay anthem dental through her husbands work.  She must know she's doing something wrong because she keeps bringing up the topic & telling me stories about what the "dentist" said. Each time it's a different story.  Today's story is that a dentist can't pull the  molar tooth because the wisdom tooth will grow in crooked. 

I'm no dentist but I know a kid in pain when I see one. She can't chew on that tooth. If she accidentally chews on it her hand is on her face for at least an hour & she does NO talking.  And she has that look on her face. That "wow I wanna die" look. I know the look well because I recently had to have my own cracked tooth extracted.

In 2010 my sister shaved her head bald & pretended to have cancer for 6 months. Her 8yr old daughter & 9 yr old son thought she was going to die. She starved herself down to 87lbs. The whole family bought into it.  She pretended to OD & that's how we all found out she was faking. She was engaged to a guy in a band & my niece was calling her "aunt ****" instead of mom in front of the boyfriend. He didn't know she had kids.  This niece who at age 8 was forced to call her mother aunt is now my 13yr old niece who is being neglected. 

I am at a loss for what to do. If I file a CPS report my sister will lie to them & my niece will back her up out of fear. She is terrified of my sister. I fear my niece will not be helped & my sister will retaliate against my niece with emotional abuse. This kid just can't catch a break.  It tears my heart out. :'-(

[Notwendy]

If it were me, I'd report it. The report would require an examination and the tooth is obvious. To lie out of it, the tooth would need to be taken care of, so either way, your niece is helped.

Also a report would be on file and multiple reports may prompt them to take action if there is a next occurrence.

A tooth infection can be serious. She probably needs antibiotics. Protective services will have to act on this one.

[Kwamina]

Hi 18kblonde

I am sorry to hear your niece is in such a difficult situation. It's very unfortunate that her mother does nothing about it and that your father also seemed reluctant to take any action.

Since this concerns your niece's physical health, it seems advisable to try and get her the help she needs.

I understand why you are worried about how your sister might retaliate against your niece. I think it might also help to address this situation directly with your sister using some of the communication techniques described on this site. They can help you talk to your sister in a way that minimizes the likelihood of (further) conflict while maximizing the chance of getting through to her:

Express yourself - S.E.T.: Support, Empathy, Truth

Assert yourself: D.E.A.R.M.A.N. --> Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, Stay Mindful, Appear Confident, Negotiate

The D.E.A.R.M.A.N. technique is specifically designed to assert yourself and effect change and that clearly is what you are wanting to achieve here. This particular situation makes it very urgent, yet there's also the history of highly questionable behavior from your sister. That she pretended to have such a serious disease is horrible.

Welcome to bpdfamily

[18kblonde]

Thank you both for the advise. I'm going to take both of your advise.  I'm going to read the communication tools in the link and make the very best attempt to convey the importance & urgency to my sister.   Right now the only dialogue I foresee is me begging her to take my niece to a dentist & her telling me she already has. I'm hoping for magic words. 

if it goes south I'll file the report.