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Surrender
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« on: March 30, 2014, 06:53:41 PM » |
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It was 8 weeks or so before I was to be leaving to reunite with my BPD partner (long distance) and it was apparent that this time after he left me he was decompensating worse than I have ever seen him. He was becoming more easily triggered at the slightest negatively perceived thing I said or did not say. It was outrageous because his rages would literally attack me with almost no provocation from my part. The more I was unable to say exactly when I could book my ticket the more instantaneous were his rages.
He kept hanging the phone up on me the second I would say something he didn't want to hear and it was becoming utterly impossible for me to have a grown up conversation with him about the things that were triggering him. He literally responded like a spoiled child having a temper tantrum because he wasn't getting his way. It was becoming utterly ridiculous. The exhaustion of dealing with him was catching up with me and I knew that deep down in my heart I wanted out. I was tired of feeling like a battered woman who was trying to live up to the expectations of a cruel selfish narcissistic child who was only ever successful at hurting me over and over again and making me feel like I wasn't doing enough no matter how much I was breaking my back and being the one who for the most part was doing everything. I couldn't win with him no matter what and unless I was literally paying all my attention on him and doing EXACTLY what he wanted he would rage, punish, shame, insult, accuse, kitchen sink, split, devalue and create a crisis where somehow I was at fault for not loving him enough or looking out for him.
The more I tried to love him and the longer we were together the worse I saw him getting. I started seeing through the fog and remembering the many times I came home after a long 12 hour shift only to find him sitting at the computer, not bothering to even get up. The truth is he wasn't taking care of me at all and didn't seem to care. I could tell he was used to getting his way with very little sacrifice, responsibility or accountability. Here I was the only one working long 12 hour shifts while he wasn't working at all and he couldn't have dinner ready for me or the kitchen cleaned from the previous days dishes. Sometimes even he would wait to have a shower until he knew I was coming home from a long 12 hour shift knowing full well that my routine is to come home jump in the shower and eat.
Nope, even though I would often cook meals and freeze them he was too selfish to heat everything up, make a nice salad and have everything ready for me. Instead he would rage at me for having that expectation saying "well you do this all yourself when I'm not here so what difference does it make?". He would also say things like "those are your expectations and not mine so don't try and put them on me". Nice partner eh!
Well if this doesn't show me just what kind of person he is I don't know what does. Why I put up with his extreme narcissism in the first place is beyond me. He was accustomed to having his mother serve him hand and foot not to mention their intimate surrogate husband and wife relationship even though she rewarded him as a golden boy child by basically doing everything for him so that he could live a life of leisure and he could continue being selfish and self-serving. His mother created a narcissistic BPD monster and rewarded all of his bad behavior by constantly serving him no matter what and then sharing in an unhealthy co-dependent emotional bond which was more what you would find in a husband and wife not son and mother. There were no consequences ever for his behaviors and so what ever nice part there was inside my partner was systematically being crushed under the weight of his BPD narcissism. Thanks Mom! I recall times where he would literally rage at her like he does me and she would just ignore him and then go make him his favorite rice pudding and take it to him. She did everything practically but put it in his mouth.
It was apparent that he did not want to sacrifice much of anything to have love but wanted everything with the least effort. I recall once he told me "why should he bother with a relationship and all it's hard work and sacrifices when he can have everything, live like a king by being served, not pay rent or any real bills, be served hand and foot and then go out and be a player, get laid when he wants by the most beautiful women?"
I should have walked out right then and there because that story was probably the most truthful thing coming out of his distorted, BPD narcissistic mouth. While I recognize that he tried the most with me because I do believe he genuinely loves me, he wouldn't have tried so hard for 3 years in what was seemingly an impossible situation considering our logistics. I know for a fact that he never tried so hard with anyone else and firmly believe that as much as he is able to he honestly does love me but is unable to have that because of his illnesses and the damage his mother has done to him on top of his BPD. However as long as I was supplying him with what was filling him I got to be with Mr. Nice Guy but the second he perceived that I was disappointing him then I was faced dealing with what I believe is his true self - the cruel selfish, self-serving, abuser, narcissist and controlling misogynist.
Oh did I mention that he was in the midst of purchasing me an engagement ring and then literally in a 180 turn completely broke it off.
With these past few months waiting on finances there was no certainty as to my departure and finally he snapped especially at my request that he get a job to help out which made him completely freak out and rage. It was at this point that he screamed that it was over and hung up. For the first time I was okay with it all because deep down inside I knew I was done too. I knew I couldn't handle this anymore and that I deserved better because Love shouldn't ever = pain. The one thing he was good at was causing me pain and abusing me no matter how mortified and guilty he would feel afterwards. I saw in him something that fed off being so punitive towards me and constantly creating a crisis and a drama where there wasn't one.
I have noticed that he literally turned himself off and is acting completely cold as though I am nothing to him. I mean one minute we were getting ready for me going there for one year, buying rings and making moves for me to find work there and the next second everything is gone completely as though it was never there. He never even had the decency to call and talk to me after he raged, screamed calling me idiot and stupid and breaking up with me only to hang up. He followed that up with a further break up email but still didn't have the decency to call and talk to me. The whole thing is unbelievable! I thought he was my best friend, my family, my companion in life and no matter what whether we were a couple or not my true family and best friend in the world.
I guess I was utterly deluded. I feel crushed and utterly devastated. Even though I know he is not capable of having any kind of an adult relationship because he is too sick I always believe that our bond was truly something unique in closeness. I feel like an idiot.
I know I'm insane to love him and it truly doesn't make any sense at all considering how much abuse he caused me and how battered I feel as a result of loving him and being loved by him but the loss of it all and just how quickly it happened without warning totally has left me utterly baffled.
One thing about him which was a pattern that I noticed was that he would either be raging and spewing his toxic distortions and anger at me or he was feeling guilty and remorseful therefore he was being nice. It was the cycle of an abuser.
I know it's a blessing but my heart feels ruined and I miss my best friend but I'm honestly wondering if any of our closeness, best friendship, love was real?
I wonder as he was getting more and more frustrated waiting for me to come to him and couldn't get his object constancy needs met upon his demand he just couldn't do it anymore so maybe he never truly loved me? I can't help but wonder about it all because I'm so hurt. He literally just turned me off like a light switch.
I know it is a blessing but I'm truly devastated.
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