dont know what else to do

[Depression = 72% of members]

 hi not sure where to start, ive been with my oh for 20 yrs and always known theres been a problem, he was diagnosed bpd 4 yrs ago, a yr ago we separated for 3 mths due to it becoming so bad, and subsequently has got into counselling. an 8 week group session which now has finished and a 30 week 1:1 at first when he moved back home it was great, he was attentive with our son, and my daughter and our grandson who live with us, he couldn't do enough but now he's even worse, we've not spoken since xmas after him telling me the xmas presents i got him were not thoughtful enough, I was devastated, i made a lot of effort maybe not financially but sentimentally and he wasn't happy, he ruined xmas and it was my grandsons 1st.
he blames me continually for everything and takes everything i say wrong i feel im living a miserable existence and don't know what to do. and don't know why im still here for him. i just need support but i don't know where to go or who to turn to, TIA

[bluefish46]

 hi not sure where to start, ive been with my oh for 20 yrs and always known theres been a problem, he was diagnosed bpd 4 yrs ago, a yr ago we separated for 3 mths due to it becoming so bad, and subsequently has got into counselling. an 8 week group session which now has finished and a 30 week 1:1 at first when he moved back home it was great, he was attentive with our son, and my daughter and our grandson who live with us, he couldn't do enough but now he's even worse, we've not spoken since xmas after him telling me the xmas presents i got him were not thoughtful enough, I was devastated, i made a lot of effort maybe not financially but sentimentally and he wasn't happy, he ruined xmas and it was my grandsons 1st.
he blames me continually for everything and takes everything i say wrong i feel im living a miserable existence and don't know what to do. and don't know why im still here for him. i just need support but i don't know where to go or who to turn to, TIA

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[2Loyal2Long]

Hi there and welcome!  You came to the right place.

I relate quite a bit, others will as well.

Have you seen the Tools section?  There’s a lot to be gained from learning how to stop the bleeding before things can improve.

Do you see a T (therapist) yourself?  We all need support and I can only imagine how exhausted you may be.  It takes someone who understands BPD, not all T’s do.

I’m glad you’re here.  I’m relatively new to the site but not the confusing existence I’ve lived all these years.  It took a long time for someone to be put in my path who was familiar with this disorder.

Again, welcome, those more experienced in how to work through this will offer more suggestions.  Give as many details to your relationship as you can, it helps those with experience ‘see’ the dynamics.

You’re in the right place, you’re amongst friends now.

[bluefish46]

 hi thankyou
no I don't see a therapist although I know I should, I am the glue to our family and have been so busy raising a family ( one of my sons is autistic), working, being a new nan, and trying not to upset my husband I've forgotten about what I should be doing for my MH, weve been together so long it just seems that this is the way its always going to be, but I cant live like this for much longer, he is 8 yrs younger than myself so when we got together him 18 me 26 I put his behaviour down to immaturity, his behaviour is worse now than it has ever been, he blames and resents me for most factors in his life, but then tells me he cant live without me, he swears at me when hes angry and says the most hurtful things. them will text me 2 days later to apologise and that he never meant any of it, my head is all over and my emotions are shot.
we cant discuss anything as it leads to an argument so we just don't talk, then he says I don't want to be around him and accuses me of having an affair, I can never win, I feel like im drowning,

[Ozzie101]

Hi bluefish! I'd like to join 2Loyal2Long in saying welcome to the family!

That had to have been so hurtful, to have your thoughtful gifts reacted to in that way. I'm sorry. Relationships with pwBPD can be truly bewildering at times. Believe me, I know.

It sounds like you have so much on your plate. I'd echo 2Loyal2Long in saying that therapy can be a real asset -- I speak from experience. Having an educated outsider to work with really can do wonders.

I'd also urge you to work some self-care into your routine. I know you have a lot going on and you keep busy. But it's so important to "fill your own cup." Whether that's spending time with friends or family, indulging in a hobby, going for a daily walk, or just carving out half an hour for a good book and a cup of tea -- it can do wonders. And keeping your own physical and emotional strength up is key.

When you're feeling up to it, perhaps you'll share more. For instance, pick a recent argument and give a play-by-play. That helps us to "trouble shoot" and point you to tools that may really be of help to you.

Again, welcome and keep posting! You're among friends here!

[bluefish46]

 
thankyou ozzie101
the relief to talk to people that understand is overwhelming, I feel emotionally void most of the time but ive cried for the past hour and half reading everyones stories, they just emanate my life.
tonights fall out... my husband has been very strange this past week, I cant seem to put my finger on it, from past experience its either been hes got something on his mind to tell me or hes possibly going out and doesn't want to mention it, I really don't care if he goes out if im honest id rather him be out.
anyway earlier this evening I went to speak to him to ask what was on his mind and can we talk about our son as his school had rang earlier ( he goes to a special school ) to say there had been a place come up at a hub in a connecting mainstream school, to cut a long story short I applied for his current school my husband disagreed and wanted the hub, this was a massive row in itself, said he had no say and didn't want to send him to where he is now, i felt i had no support but made the choice as I knew it was the best decision for our son, he loves it settled and thriving. so ive spoken to my husband tonight I'm getting one word answers, and said we have to talk and discuss our son, and have to move on from the xmas incident, he says what's the point he knows my views, might as well keep him where he is, baring in mind he's settled, but i needed to ask him his thoughts seen as though he wanted the other school, and maybe he would be better in a mainstream school, he snaps and is aggressive and says he needs to support me and there's too many kids, he wont cope , he just cant talk to me and say i made the right choice with school and we should stick with where he is. he knows what stress we've had surrounding school. and then says why am i coming to him for a fight that I haven't wanted to speak to him since xmas. everything I say is wrong, said wrong, interpreted wrong. im walking on eggshells 
 hes slept on the settee since xmas 



 

[2Loyal2Long]

Is there any chance he’s feeling neglected with your children and new grand baby there?  As in, not getting all the focus?

Not trying to put ideas in your head, perhaps they’ve been there for some time.  Perhaps he’s uncovering things in therapy that’s new to him, sometimes it gets worse before it gets better.

Have you checked out Randi Kreger’s book, “Stop Walking on Eggshells”?  She began this site as well!  Her book is so very eye opening!

Breathe, your amongst your own kind now.  Have hope, you’re not here by accident.  From one suffering wife to another, hugs!  And Ozzie and many others have great feedback 

[bluefish46]

Yes that’s definitely the reason. But that’s always been the reason, I have children before I met him but he was always bothered that my love for them was unconditional and he felt / feels my lovely for him has conditions.  I just can’t show how I feel when he behaves so badly. 1 xmas day he cut my trainers up he bought me because he said I wasn’t bothered about them and was more bothered about the kids.  They were 7&10. 
If he could put me in a bubble with no contact with anyone he would be fine. But I can’t do that. I love my children and love them around.  I won’t and can’t change that. And don’t know how to be honest.  I try to ask shall we go for a meal / pictures and he just says what’s the point your only doing it because you think you have too.  I don’t know my next move with him as everything triggers him.   

[Ozzie101]

That's very frustrating to deal with, I'm sure. I've gotten the "you don't love me" accusations and the passive/aggressive stuff thrown at me before and it's enough to make me want to tear my hair out. In my case, my H has admitted that he knows what people's triggers are and deliberately uses them to get a response. He knows "not caring" is one of my triggers. Of course, now that I know he's doing it on purpose, it doesn't have the same effect.

You say things have gotten much worse. Is he still in therapy? While therapy is good, it can bring up some painful feelings and emotions that need to be worked through, which could be going on here.

I would encourage you to seek out some therapy for yourself. And, as 2Loyal2Long asked, have you read Randi Kreger's book? It's what led me here and went a long way towards my understanding my H and learning how better to deal with things.