The visit

[lever.]

Wanted to up-date those who have given me support and advice.

DDwBPD came for the 2 day visit. She stayed in a hotel as arranged which she accepted and was fine. Youngest GCn stayed with me which was lovely for me and gave her a bit of a rest.

She came to the house for a meal and whilst she and her Dad said very little directly to each other they were civil.

She told me that she is 15 weeks pregnant with her 4th child (her eldest is six). She hates where they are living and they are in financial difficulties.

I took her for a day out with the children and in the afternoon things started to get tricky.

She asked to stay again for a full week in 2 weeks time. Once again her sister is due to be here one day that week and I haven't had chance to discuss with DH.

I attempted to do a SET.

"I don't like to think of you stuck in xxxplace and unhappy- I want to give you and gc a nice break but whilst you and your sister are not in contact with each other I need to keep my relationship with each of you separate etc"

Cue: "I have made a big mistake getting back in contact with you. Why are you making a big deal of me not respecting her privacy YOU have never respected mine... .   accusations of things I never did,

  I found myself beginning to justify and argue "No - that did not happen I did not do that" but stopped myself quickly.

I could feel myself getting panicky but I remembered a link jellibeans had sent someone about ragephobia. I realized that I am usually frightened of her but I felt less afraid this time. She stomped off for a bit but didn't rage at me. she was tearful and shouted "don't tell me anything about my sister unless she's dead so I can throw a party" and "I don't know why I bothered the kids don't miss you anyway".

I ignored it and she went quiet.

After a while I said "can I say something to you?"

"Whatever the hell you like" so I validated the valid that it must feel bad to think she couldn't trust her mother and didn't know when I was lying

She just said Yes, I don't trust you. Then the whole thing blew over and she was polite and normal for the rest of the visit.

I don't know if it was the tools working or if its calculated because she wants some practical help.

Its certainly hard work remembering the new way of communicating when feeling stressed, but, you know, I was less scared of her and I thank you all for helping me with that. If she goes NC again I will be upset but not as devastated as before.

Now I just need to negotiate with rest of family re next visit.

Sorry about essay. Thanks for listening

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[mom2bpd]

  Lever, nice to meet u.  I want to commend u on the way u handled your BPDD.  Great job... . I hope that I can handle mine half as well using SET. The way she first replied is probably due to the jealousy thing with most of them. I know mine is sip we jealous of her sibling. I like the way u asked if u could say something to her.  Good job... . I hope she stays calm and doesn't cut off contact.  I don't think it matter s about her living situation because my T told me they ask for money their whole lives until they get help.

[lever.]

 Hello mom2BPD

I could see myself making mistakes but what really struck me was how guilt and fear have affected me and how this site has helped with that. I have felt a lot of guilt that as a mum things are my fault. I have been afraid she will harm herself, afraid of her threats of no contact.

I still felt nervous when I thought she might lose it but the fear was less so I was able to cope better.

I know I'll still get things wrong but I did want to say thank-you

[pessim-optimist]

Thank you for sharing this lever!

That is wonderful news - you did great. Practice makes perfect! 

Isn't it interesting how it's easier to look at the situation from a bit more distance and not get pulled into it emotionally as much when we understand what's going on, and know what helps?

[Thursday]

Well done, lever.

Glad you already got a sense that your DD is more manageable if you use the tools.

Its certainly hard work remembering the new way of communicating

One thing I did to help me stay focused when SD was spinning out of control was to practice validation on people I didn't know. You know, there are always random people we brush up against on a daily basis, people who want to tell you their dysfunctional life histories when you are standing next to them in line at the grocery store.

Once we can validate the valid with our loved ones it gets easier to see that not arguing but being in agreement with the little points really smooth's the way, it can take away the fear.

Validation is a two part thing for me. In order to validate I have to take two steps away from my own emotions about what my BPDSD23 says. The first step back gives me space to listen. Once I've taken the step back to listen I take another step back to find the valid to validate. From the safer distance of two steps back I can communicate in a way that allows my SD to communicate back with me in a calmer way. Being heard and validated calms her.

Do you think that your relationship with your BPDDD will grow as she learns to trust that you are hearing her in your validations? My SD and I are in the beginning phase of rebuilding. I feel guarded but optimistic and my expectations are low.

Thursday

[lever.]

Thank-you Thursday.

I too feel cautiously optimistic but slightly anxious. I expect it to be a bumpy path and it wouldn't surprise me at all if she blew up over a perceived slight and went NC for a while again.

However I think we are building a basis on which she is more likely to come back again.

I have used validation with DH and DD2 and now have a compromise to put to her about her request to stay with us for a week. It isn't everything that she wants as I don't want both daughters staying at the same time and DD2 is already here for one night.

DD2 wouldn't be prepared to see her anyway and I'm not prepared to cancel DD2s visit. DH has agreed to her staying for 4 nights but says she had better not "start"

As well as using more validation I feel a bit more confident with boundaries. I can put it in a positive way I think.

I don't know how she is going to cope with 4 children under 6- so I hope we can build a better relationship.

Some way to go yet though. I was reading the thread about hugs-I got told off for standing within 2 feet of her!

I think working on mindfulness skills will help me stand back for those two steps so I can get control and validate the valid.

How nearly I fell into the trap of defending myself!

[jellibeans]

lever

I just wante to say how happy I was to read your post. I do think the tools I have learned here have helped so much with my relationship with my dd16. I don't always get it right but the more often I try the better I get... . you are doing great and I really feel tihs is what pwBPD need... . they don't feel heard and struggle so much with relationships in general. I think you and your dd have made some steps in the right direction... . letting go of past hurts and not holding a grudge is the way to go... . start new and try to be positive... . congrats on the new one on his/her way!

[lever.]

Thanks, jellibeans.

I really appreciated the link you gave someone on ragephobia. It made it clear to me how fear of her rages was hampering my ability to be effective.