Two years out, and just heard shocking news regarding my ex

[Speck]

Hello again, In a bad way:

It's good to hear an update from you.  

I'm glad that you are still writing about your frustrations and anxiety surrounding your ex.  I also understand your feeling as though you have nothing valuable to offer people on this board.  But, I think that's not exactly true, for your own thread (this one), no doubt, has helped countless others sort out their own pain.

We really never know the lives we touch as we go about our days... .every word... .every action may matter.

So, thank you for being here and for sharing your story with us.

Oh, and keep writing if it helps!


-Speck

[Notgoneyet]

 Speck, I'm going to agree 100% with your words here.
  I'm still a complete newbie on this and felt the same way as IABW just a wk ago as far as not having anything of value to share.                                                                                     I think a lot of us on here are broken in some form or another and almost every story I read helps me understand a little bit more of what works, what doesn't, how we got here Etc.  and the best part for me - There is light at the end of this LONG tunnel that I've been stuck in for TOO long. As we say in my ALAnon meeting just take- One Day At A Time.
  Notgoneyet. 

[MyBPD_friend]

Sorry what I meant by that was that my being worried and concerned for her has nothing to to with my childhood, there was nothing wrong with my childhood.
I started a post a while ago where I was saying that falling in love with a BPD has got nothing to do with childhood, but I won't get into that now.

Spero I agree with everything you say as I do with most people who have replied to me, and I thank you all.

I feel very sorry for your situation and what you go through. I'm in a simular situation and can much relate to it.
However, I found out that my connection to my BPF friend has a lot to do with my childhood and the traumas in my childhood. That was actually the reason why we felt connected and attached - but this friendship is an unresolved one.

I tend to do things that I enjoy to get away from bad feelings and too muc thoughts, might it be sports, art, music or whatever - that would be an advise to you.

[MyBPD_friend]

Hi in a bad way

A lot of us ruminate about the abuse and why we put up with it. It didn't start that way though did it. I was hooked by how wonderful she was so when the bad behaviour started I put it down to stress from her kids or ex husband or a multitude of other excuses. In the end I clung onto the slightest sign of niceness from her. A small compliment or a thank you in the hope that things would improve. The early stages got me addicted in an actual chemical way. I was hooked on the happy hormones my ex stimulated in me. I believe I stayed longer and put up with more than I should have just to get another hit. Theres a good post about this addiction on this site and also an article on how the love sick brain resembles that of someone coming off of cocaine.

That sounds to familiar to me... .wished I could just run away.

[MyBPD_friend]

Spero,

"You know... there is a quote by the author who wrote Narnia... “To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” - C.S Lewis"

Thank you for that quote, it's really true.
But without giving love and receving love - life is NOTHING at all.
I'ld rather take the risk of a broken heart.

One has to be strong and gone through hell to understand and realize, even the worst pain, physical or psychological, will go away at some point - I've been there many times. It tought me to look forward and I know, better times will come again - always, you just have to trust yourself, your strength, your best friends and those who loce and care about you no matter what... .

[Speck]

Speck, I'm going to agree 100% with your words here. I'm still a complete newbie on this and felt the same way as IABW just a wk ago as far as not having anything of value to share. I think a lot of us on here are broken in some form or another and almost every story I read helps me understand a little bit more of what works, what doesn't, how we got here Etc.  and the best part for me - There is light at the end of this LONG tunnel that I've been stuck in for TOO long.

We're so glad that you find value and meaning in this forum, Notgoneyet, and we're glad you're here, too. Everyone on earth as a teacher in his or her own way. And I agree with you, there's lots to glean about the human condition from others if we listen carefully enough.

As we say in my ALAnon meeting just take - One Day At A Time.

Yes, that's right. Step by step we heal.


-Speck
 

[jo19854]

In a bad Way, i cant give you direct advice but i can tell you from my own experience so you can make up your own mind about it.
In 2008 my fiancee visited the US for Xmas. She got a car accident.I picked her up, payed for hospital bills and all the damages. Back in Holland she revealed (after a few months) she was drinking, because of shops being closed in US at Xmas eveing she couldnt get a bottle and she got a seizure in the car from withdrawl. In the hotel she got another one and was brought to hospital. She had also a broken foot, a broken stirnum, concussion and her head and legs were blue and swollen.

Anyway, when she returned to Holland the drinking got even worse. We decided she had to go back to US, we hugged and cried goodbey. It was summer 2009. There was contact of and on. Very emotional. She relapsed again after being in rehab in US. Her older daughters completely ignored my existance.

Exactly 8 years ago, on march 1st 2010 i got a call, my fiancee begged me to pick her up. She was in a hotel, abandoned by her older daughters and she was drinking herself to death.
It sounds easy but in short... .I flew over, arranged a nursing home in Holland where she spent almost 5 months. Every day i drove there after work to visit and comfort her. 160 miles every day after work.
She almost died on March 25th 2010 and i was sitting beside her, it wasnt even 50-50 the doctors said. She managed. WE managed and she recovered.
We got married in 2012, she received her Dutch cittizenship shortly afterwards.

Quick step forward... .relapse on alcohol in december 2012, back on track in january 2013, heavy chemotherapy in 2013 until january 2014. I nursed, cared, loved , drove to hospitals, bought flowers, you name it.

Februari 6th 2014 i came home from work and she was already gone. It was obviously planned, but we kissed and hugged in the morning before i left.  the only thing she did was leaving a note with a "thank you for everything".
My wife just left without any explanation and ive never heared from her again.

Your post triggered the toughts i am dealing with for many years now,... .what if she would call?
I just dont know, but i do know that Borderline and Alcoholism is a terrible combination.
I miss her, knowing its not ok. I live in fear because of hearing she is dead.
Every day i live with the fear of hearing from her and what she would say or ask, while i so much would like to ask about why?
I am also still completely ignored by her older daughters. My wife left everything behind including her dog (wich was from one of her older daughters).

I cant give you any advice else then sharing my story in short, i just dont want anything bad happen to you.
As far as alcohol consumption concerns, just watch out, its a killer on weak moments.

Hope it helps.
If you want details just check my profile.

All the best, Joe

[In a bad way]

jo19854

That really is a very sad story indeed and I feel for you, mine to crashed her car drunk and I got her through that mess, also she had / has another illness which is pretty rare so I can't mention it on here, although it is not life threatening but still it is horrible. It comes and goes and she was having new treatment the last few weeks that I saw her and was doing so well. She had had that since her teens yet while i was with her and it came back she said it was my fault because i stressed her out, i really did get blamed for everything.
I thought I had managed to finally start to hate her but now I realise part of me must still love her and I miss her everyday, which makes zero sense from a logical point of view after everything she did. I really can't think straight at the moment.

Like I said I haven't had a drink at home for 14 months, sometimes it's tempting but i know it will make me more depressed, I also know that I am one of those people that if I drink too much I can't stop due to getting DT's. As I said I am fine drinking beer in the pub.
Like you I wonder what I would do if she reached out, I would to be honest talk to her, I wouldn't be able to help myself.

[spero]

Thank you for that quote, it's really true.
But without giving love and receving love - life is NOTHING at all.
I'ld rather take the risk of a broken heart.

One has to be strong and gone through hell to understand and realize, even the worst pain, physical or psychological, will go away at some point - I've been there many times. It tought me to look forward and I know, better times will come again - always, you just have to trust yourself, your strength, your best friends and those who loce and care about you no matter what... .

You're most welcome, BPDfriend. I'm glad you found the quote helpful. Being able to feel and process is a step forward in the process of recovery. Sometimes to emerge through the other end of the tunnel, one must pass through the deepest darkest middle part of the tunnel before one can see the glimmer of light. But if we fear the darkness and facing our fears, we'll never get to the other side.

Takecare,
Spero

[Harley Quinn]

The only advice I can give people is do not drink at home on your own

That's good advice IABW.  Thank you for sharing with us the difficulties you have had with this.  It takes courage to speak about such things.  I'm glad that things have improved since that time for you.  Do take good care of yourself.  You deserve to be well after all you've been through, so pay attention to your needs.

Love and light x

[MyBPD_friend]

In a bad Way, i cant give you direct advice but i can tell you from my own experience so you can make up your own mind about it.
In 2008 my fiancee visited the US for Xmas. She got a car accident.I picked her up, payed for hospital bills and all the damages. Back in Holland she revealed (after a few months) she was drinking, because of shops being closed in US at Xmas eveing she couldnt get a bottle and she got a seizure in the car from withdrawl. In the hotel she got another one and was brought to hospital. She had also a broken foot, a broken stirnum, concussion and her head and legs were blue and swollen.

Anyway, when she returned to Holland the drinking got even worse. We decided she had to go back to US, we hugged and cried goodbey. It was summer 2009. There was contact of and on. Very emotional. She relapsed again after being in rehab in US. Her older daughters completely ignored my existance.

Exactly 8 years ago, on march 1st 2010 i got a call, my fiancee begged me to pick her up. She was in a hotel, abandoned by her older daughters and she was drinking herself to death.
It sounds easy but in short... .I flew over, arranged a nursing home in Holland where she spent almost 5 months. Every day i drove there after work to visit and comfort her. 160 miles every day after work.
She almost died on March 25th 2010 and i was sitting beside her, it wasnt even 50-50 the doctors said. She managed. WE managed and she recovered.
We got married in 2012, she received her Dutch cittizenship shortly afterwards.

Quick step forward... .relapse on alcohol in december 2012, back on track in january 2013, heavy chemotherapy in 2013 until january 2014. I nursed, cared, loved , drove to hospitals, bought flowers, you name it.

Februari 6th 2014 i came home from work and she was already gone. It was obviously planned, but we kissed and hugged in the morning before i left.  the only thing she did was leaving a note with a "thank you for everything".
My wife just left without any explanation and ive never heared from her again.

Your post triggered the toughts i am dealing with for many years now,... .what if she would call?
I just dont know, but i do know that Borderline and Alcoholism is a terrible combination.
I miss her, knowing its not ok. I live in fear because of hearing she is dead.
Every day i live with the fear of hearing from her and what she would say or ask, while i so much would like to ask about why?
I am also still completely ignored by her older daughters. My wife left everything behind including her dog (wich was from one of her older daughters).

I cant give you any advice else then sharing my story in short, i just dont want anything bad happen to you.
As far as alcohol consumption concerns, just watch out, its a killer on weak moments.

Hope it helps.
If you want details just check my profile.

All the best, Joe

Joe, I feel very sorry for what you went through.
I don't really know excactly what is is, that makes is so difficult to get away from a BPD woman and friend.
My friend is actually also in the Netherlands, close to the German border. She too drinks too much when she gets out for fun or whatever. She also drinks at home.
In fact, that seems to be a bad combination, BPD and alcohol.
When she got her drivers licence in Holland, she got caught only 6 mths later drunk and lost it for three months. When I met her last time in May 2017, she wanted to drive with me, only a distance of 500 yards to go to a bar. She already had some wine and champagne. I simply said no, we won't drive, we walk. She had to get out of the car and didn't say a word about it.
That was one of my first bounderies.

I wish you all the best. Do you still live in the Netherlands?

[In a bad way]

It's now two weeks later and I am having a bad day, woke up in a panic which has been getting more often over the last couple of months.
I spoke to my friend who said exactly what I thought he would which was why am I bothered about her, she didn't worry about me, and all that sort of thing.
It's possibly what I would say to someone if I had never been there.
I text my other friend but my texts were getting longer and longer, this is the friend who told me, I was trying to explain what happened between me and my ex who used to be her friend but they fell out.
Her replies were short and saying her mother and family need to help her to which I said I tried that route but they never did anything except blame me.
I told her a bit about what went on and she said she sounds ill in the head, that was after me telling her less than 1% of everything.
I am not going to try to contact my ex, it's a shame but it has nothing to do with me even though I feel for her.
I am still in a mess because of her, she won't know that because the only person who I see that knows her is her mum and I have mastered the art of being a normal person at the club where I see her so she will only see me looking happy and laughing with people.
I haven't seen her mum now for about six weeks.

[FindingMe2011]

It's now two weeks later and I am having a bad day, woke up in a panic which has been getting more often over the last couple of months.

... .I Could have been a poster child for panic attacks... .for me it was just my subconscious telling me, I had some unresolved trauma to deal with. I had missed something... with some hard work, it was all brought to a minimum... .Expect the bad days, and figure out different ways to combat... .easier said than done, but with determination... .very possible

I am still in a mess because of her,

BPD exposes our trauma wounds, it doesnt create them. Accepting 50% of this mess, would be the fair thing to do, no?

I am not going to try to contact my ex, it's a shame but it has nothing to do with me even though I feel for her.

Wise choice, if detachment is the goal. Nothing wrong, about caring from a distance... .my self preservation, dignity, self esteem, and other aspects of myself, also appreciates this

she won't know that because the only person who I see that knows her is her mum and I have mastered the art of being a normal person at the club where I see her so she will only see me looking happy and laughing with people.

Ummm, her mum knows, and the illness is surviving. Im not sure where mastering your false self, is going to benefit you, in the long run. Seems it might just, muddy the water, a little more... .Do you come away from these sightings, feeling better of yourself? I have a hard time, seeing this happen. Mastering your codependency, just might, have you not, NEED, the above behaviour... .I wish u well, peace

[Speck]

How are you feeling today, In a bad way?

Just popping in to say, Hi, and to remind you that you are not alone.


-Speck

[In a bad way]

How are you feeling today, In a bad way?

Just popping in to say, Hi, and to remind you that you are not alone.


-Speck

Hi Speck,
thanks for that. Like I said my nerves and anxiety are pretty bad but have been for a few months, I had a few months last year where they were OK.
Maybe this has had an effect on them, I'm not sure.
I just keep telling myself that if the shoe were on the other foot she wouldn't care about me, I know that for a fact because she knew I was in a mess when she left and I have never heard from her since. So I'm trying to be hard about it and say to myself it's her problem, whether she is realising she made a mistake with me and it's all finally catching up to her is another story, who knows.
I know her kids and ex are still causing her problems but she ignored my help then and other peoples, if she hadn't they wouldn't still be treating her like cr**.
But you can't rationalise with an un-rational person.
Still no matter what I don't relish her being ill, but having said that sometimes I think serves her right. It's mixed feelings on my part.

she won't know that because the only person who I see that knows her is her mum and I have mastered the art of being a normal person at the club where I see her so she will only see me looking happy and laughing with people.

Ummm, her mum knows, and the illness is surviving. Im not sure where mastering your false self, is going to benefit you, in the long run. Seems it might just, muddy the water, a little more... .Do you come away from these sightings, feeling better of yourself? I have a hard time, seeing this happen. Mastering your codependency, just might, have you not, NEED, the above behaviour... .I wish u well, peace

I wouldn't say it's my false self, it's how I used to be, but that is the only place I can manage that. People there think I have fully recovered, and yes I make a point of being extra normal when I know her mother is in there, I want her her to think I am doing great, I wouldn't let her see me any other way. So yes  of course I feel better and also from a sadistic point of view if I am ever mentioned from her she will think I am fine without her.
I still however disagree with BPD's can't cause trauma and that the trauma was already there from childhood, that's like saying if you have trauma from a car crash the crash didn't cause it and that it was already there from childhood.

[Speck]

Hello again, In a bad way:

It's great to hear an update from you! I just have a few things to add:

But you can't rationalise with an un-rational person.

Truth.

Still no matter what I don't relish her being ill, but having said that sometimes I think serves her right. It's mixed feelings on my part.

I gotcha, bud. But... .just remember, this is a process... .it takes time. You're doing great, though, just focusing on YOU.


-Speck
 

[In a bad way]

Well I don't know what possessed me but I spoke to her mother when I saw her in the club, I hadn't seen her for over two months.
We didn't speak for the last six months I was with my ex, she fell out with me because in her mind everything was my fault. The only communication we had was a few text messages.
Any way I said to her I know we don't speak but how is (name), she said yes she is great thanks how are you, I simply said fine thanks. And that was it, yes I had a million more things to say but didn't bother.
I was surprised she even spoke to me, well at least without being nasty, so I think I was in a bit of shock at that. Hence I didn't say anything else.
I know she was lying but I wouldn't expect her to tell me what my friend told me.
That was the first time we had spoken in over two years even though I sometimes see her every week or so, but not recently.

[Speck]

In a bad way,

Well... .that was brave. What did speaking to her mother do for you afterwards? Do you feel better having done so?


-Speck

[In a bad way]

In a bad way,

Well... .that was brave. What did speaking to her mother do for you afterwards? Do you feel better having done so?


-Speck

It was surreal to say the least, as I said I fully expected her to swear at me and say she wasn't talking to me but she was quite pleasant. I could have extended the conversation but was too taken aback by her friendly manner. It will be interesting to see if she says hello next time I see her and I don't know if I should let on to her or not if she doesn't. I would feel ignorant if I didn't but at the same time feel strange if I did, it would save my mind some turmoil if she said hello to me and I could just say it back.
It's left me wondering if she has said anything to her daughter about it and if she has whether it was along the lines of " that bas*** spoke to me", or if it was a case of "I saw (name) and he spoke to me".
I actually feel better for having spoken to her as in I was civil and so was she, considering we have never spoken for all that time and it seems petty not to, the only reason for me having never done so was because I didn't want a scene and as I said I was blamed for everything by her even when me and my ex were still together, so I would imagine me being painted black by my ex would have made it worse, also her mothers friends no longer talk to me but they used to.
Sorry for the rambling but there is not short and fast answer to your question.

[spero]

Hey there In a bad way, just popping by and joining Speck in this thread. How are you keeping now?

In the context of your recent happenigns, I must say... .wow, it must indeed be confusing or that has certainly taken you a back by her current disposition toward you. I suppose she isn't "triggering" in this situation and that must have left you pondering.

How does this make you feel now, that you've kinda had a short interaction with her? That is indeed a courageous thing to do, more so when you didn't know what to expect and glad that there wasn't anymore a scene to have caused you more hurt to what was already done in the past.

Hey, its okay to ramble. We're glad to have you share your recent encounter and this community is definitely here to hear you out. Takecare and hope to hear from you again soon!

Spero.

[Speck]

Sorry for the rambling but there is not short and fast answer to your question.

No worries... .I did ask the question, and am glad you took the time to answer!

You have really come a long way since your initial post. I'm glad you can have these exchanges with your ex's mother and not let it derail your progress.

You know the drill... .keep writing if it helps! There's a 16,000 character posting limit, so... .be careful! 


-Speck