I need to vent. My UHWBPD is driving me crazy.

[JazzSinger]

Yesterday was a bad day.

At 75 years old, I figured I’d better go to Urgent Care to get an X-Ray, since I’d had a pain in my ribs/lungs in my right side, for 4 to 5 days.  In addition,   I was having a bit of trouble breathing when I walked. My UHWBPD would NOT go with me, even though he was the one who suggested that I get it check out. 

It turned out that I may have been experiencing the onset of pneumonia.  I also had a low grade fever.  Antibiotics and bed rest were prescribed.   I came home, and asked my husband to go to the pharmacy (just across the street) to pick up my meds.  He refused! He said he was too tired! So I went back out and picked them up myself.

Later, he spent the rest of the day cycling back and forth from being angry with me, to being needy.  He wanted me to say  that I was wrong for asking him to pick up my meds, because he was tired! I set him straight, telling him he was wrong, and shame on him.  Mind you, I didn’t even ask him to come to Urgent Care with me, because he was making excuses ahead of time.

I’m livid, but I’m controlling my anger.

I never imagined my marriage would devolve to this point. He’s gotten so much worse over the years! It’s been 20 years, but the past two years have been almost unbearable.  I pray for the weeks and sometimes months when he’s behaving normally.  But lately, they’re fewer and farther between.  Last May 17, he had the worst outburst ever. I think it was his first.  That’s what led me to this site — I was searching for answers.  It has been a blessing.  But he’s been going downhill even more rapidly ever since.

I’m trying to cope, because finances won’t allow me to leave.  And at my age, living in a very expensive part of the country, I’d never find affordable housing.  Also, I can’t afford our current home without him. So, I try to cope, but it’s hard. 

He’s impossible sometimes.  It’s awful. 

Thanks for “listening.” 

[ForeverDad]

I never imagined my marriage would devolve to this point. He’s gotten so much worse over the years! It’s been 20 years, but the past two years have been almost unbearable.  I pray for the weeks and sometimes months when he’s behaving normally.  But lately, they’re fewer and farther between.  Last May 17, he had the worst outburst ever. I think it was his first.

The general observation here is that over time the poor behaviors (cycling, rants, rages, criticisms, etc) gradually increase over time.  It still cycles between less bad and more bad, but over time it typically worsens.

That's why my marriage ended.  (Well, there was a big trigger too, we had a baby and that changed everything, including morphing me from seen as a husband to seen as a father.  Too bad her stepfather had messed her up badly.)  We started out fine, with 'only' minor issues but over the years it gradually got worse.  More and more triggers developed.  Adding the baby was a nice try but was too much for her.  Sometimes it seemed she had to choose between our child or me... and I lost.

[Notwendy]

I don't know what the dynamics are between you, but Karpman triangle dynamics helped me to understand what was incomprehensible behavior on the part of my BPD mother when my father was ill.

BPD mother ( and I think this applies to most with BPD) takes victim perspective. My father's main role was rescuer/enabler. His being ill decreased his caretaking behaviors- and with this shift in dynamics, BPD mother's behaviors escalated.

His being ill was a form of temporary "victim". It surely wasn't his choice or fault, he wasn't doing it on purpose, but from BPD mother's perspective- she was in victim mode and so, other people could only be rescuer or persecutor. It was as if she perceived him as some kind of competition for her position and if he did it on purpose. I also wonder if she felt somehow abandoned in this situation since he wasn't as attentive to her as usual.

You could apply this to your situation. You asked your H to pick up your medicine, but he's tired and his being tired is him being in victim position. You are supposed to be caring for him, not the other way around.

You have every right to your feelings and to be angry. I hope this helps you to see his behavior isn't personal to you. But also to see that he may not be someone you can rely on if you are feeling under the weather. I hope you feel better soon-

[JazzSinger]

The general observation here is that over time the poor behaviors (cycling, rants, rages, criticisms, etc) gradually increase over time.  It still cycles between less bad and more bad, but over time it typically worsens.

That's why my marriage ended.  (Well, there was a big trigger too, we had a baby and that changed everything, including morphing me from seen as a husband to seen as a father.  Too bad her stepfather had messed her up badly.)  We started out fine, with 'only' minor issues but over the years it gradually got worse.  More and more triggers developed.  Adding the baby was a nice try but was too much for her.  Sometimes it seemed she had to choose between our child or me... and I lost.

ForeverDad,

Thanks so much for sharing. It really helps.

Indeed, my UHWBPD has gotten worse over time. And because he’s getting older, I’m seeing signs of dementia as well. It has become sort of a trigger too, because he’s aware of it.  I dare not say to him, “Don’t you remember…”
It’s tough.  Today, he’s calm. I’ll see how long it lasts.

[JazzSinger]

I don't know what the dynamics are between you, but Karpman triangle dynamics helped me to understand what was incomprehensible behavior on the part of my BPD mother when my father was ill.

BPD mother ( and I think this applies to most with BPD) takes victim perspective. My father's main role was rescuer/enabler. His being ill decreased his caretaking behaviors- and with this shift in dynamics, BPD mother's behaviors escalated.

His being ill was a form of temporary "victim". It surely wasn't his choice or fault, he wasn't doing it on purpose, but from BPD mother's perspective- she was in victim mode and so, other people could only be rescuer or persecutor. It was as if she perceived him as some kind of competition for her position and if he did it on purpose. I also wonder if she felt somehow abandoned in this situation since he wasn't as attentive to her as usual.

You could apply this to your situation. You asked your H to pick up your medicine, but he's tired and his being tired is him being in victim position. You are supposed to be caring for him, not the other way around.

You have every right to your feelings and to be angry. I hope this helps you to see his behavior isn't personal to you. But also to see that he may not be someone you can rely on if you are feeling under the weather. I hope you feel better soon-

NotWendy,

Thanks so much for sharing about the Karpman Drama Triangle.  I just started reading about it. My husband is often the victim, and I’m the rescuer. But lately, I’ve been engaged in more self care, as well as setting firmer boundaries.

I know he’s of little to no help to me when I’m under the weather.  I’ve learned to operate like a single person, mostly relying on myself, my health care providers, and my friends, when I’m sick. 

I am feeling better today. Thank you for asking.