Replacement figured out how to make it work with ex pwBPD?

[Depression = 72% of members]

The replacement relationship is catching up to the amount of time that me and her were together. I made the mistake of looking at her facebook. She has new profile pic of them kissing saying the replacement always makes her laugh every time, she can never be mad. I'm back to feeling like i failed her and the relationship. Wondering how is he keeping her so happy. Is he really better for her than me? Is that even possible?... .Why  couldnt that be me... .

[SoMadSoSad]

The replacement relationship is catching up to the amount of time that me and her were together. I made the mistake of looking at her facebook. She has new profile pic of them kissing saying the replacement always makes her laugh every time, she can never be mad. I'm back to feeling like i failed her and the relationship. Wondering how is he keeping her so happy. Is he really better for her than me? Is that even possible?... .Why  couldnt that be me... .

[kc sunshine]

Oh man, that would be so hurtful to see/read. The first thing that strikes me is how thoughtless & unempathetic (at best! Downright hurtful at worst) it is to put something like that up there. How long were you guys together?

[SoMadSoSad]

About a year . I'm back to feeling like nothing and that I didn't matter. I wasn't good enough.

[woundedPhoenix]

Lots of factors play here. But it also is dangerous to go by what kind of perfect image is being projected publicly. Chances are... .things are already less bright on the inside... .i held on for 7 years, and doubt that she ever will have a relationship that lasts longer.

[SoMadSoSad]

I'm guessing she was mad at him because she changed her profile pic from them smiling together to just one of herself but then an he later changed it back to the one of them kissing saying he makes her smile every time and she can never be mad.

[Mutt]

SoMadSoSad,

We tend to present our best face to the world. Wouldn't it look bad on her if she was airing her dirty laundry?

[pjstock42]

"So far, so good".

[SoMadSoSad]

What this is saying to me is that they do have troubles where she rages like she raged at me but instead of reacting with anger like i did he just makes her smile again. I feel like that is something i should've been doing.

[fromheeltoheal]

About a year . I'm back to feeling like nothing and that I didn't matter. I wasn't good enough.

So look what looking at her Facebook page did SoMad, and as you say, it was a mistake.  Plus it's impossible to see into the emotional dynamic in a relationship, especially from one online pic, you just don't know how it's really going.  Plus, if she does exhibit significant traits of the disorder and says the replacement always makes her laugh every time, she can never be mad, we know a little while later that can easily become the replacement always makes her mad every time, she can never be happy, and she can mean it 100% both times.

And notice that you're calling him "the replacement", which makes him who he is relative to you, you are "the replaced".  Is it time to start shifting the focus from her and him to you, and from the past to the future?  What does your bright future look like?  What steps do you need to take to get there?  Focus on one or two things that you know you need to do to create the life of your dreams; what would those be?

[SoMadSoSad]

About a year . I'm back to feeling like nothing and that I didn't matter. I wasn't good enough.

So look what looking at her Facebook page did SoMad, and as you say, it was a mistake.  Plus it's impossible to see into the emotional dynamic in a relationship, especially from one online pic, you just don't know how it's really going.  Plus, if she does exhibit significant traits of the disorder and says the replacement always makes her laugh every time, she can never be mad, we know a little while later that can easily become the replacement always makes her mad every time, she can never be happy, and she can mean it 100% both times.

And notice that you're calling him "the replacement", which makes him who he is relative to you, you are "the replaced".  Is it time to start shifting the focus from her and him to you, and from the past to the future?  What does your bright future look like?  What steps do you need to take to get there?  Focus on one or two things that you know you need to do to create the life of your dreams; what would those be?

My optimism, dreams, motivation all died when she came into my life and left so easily. At this point I just try to make it through the day going trough the motions. I think I also have some traits of BPD. I also feel emotions very deeply and when this all happened it was like i died and am just wondering this earth like a ghost.

[Indifferent28]

I feel like you never know what is going on behind the scenes.
However, things like that hurt regardless.

She is quite clearly delusional.
This probably makes you think back on your own relationship with her, and wonder if it was ever love or simply delusion, a manifestation of her illness.

My ex and i dated 5 years, yet a month into her new relationship, she would refer to her girl friend on social media as the "most beautiful girl in the world" and "the sweetest girl/happiest days ever" and parade around our work place where i worked, talking about how this girl was the best thing ever. Not even a year after our break up.

It killed me so im sure you're feeling the same... .
All i can say to you, myself or anyone else is, things aren't always what they appear, and things can change over night. As we all saw with our own BPD exes and ourselves.

I highly doubt she is as happy as she is saying.
She probably tells herself that to try to let go of any guilt/remorse she still has over the break up.

I've noticed BPDs rewrite history in an attempt to make their mind believe things.
Sadly, it seems to work.

[Indifferent28]

And with what you said about how you should've reacted with "making her smile rather than anger" like he seems to be doing, that is a typical and normal thing to regret.

But you're not factoring in other things.
Is this guy a door mat, who allows people to walk on him? Perhaps that is why he doesn't get angry.
The time they've been together you said is nearing the time you guys were together.
You may have needed less time to snap than he does.

But if she does the same behavior with him as she did with you, guarantee he will snap too if he is the least bit sane, and not a complete push over who allows someone to always play victim and pity them.

Most everyone on this board began feelings rage and anger themselves, after they got tired of the BPD ex lashing out/playing pity me and always making it all about them being a victim.

[SoMadSoSad]

Thanks for the responses, I feel a little better now. I know that her anger will only get worse as it did with me and she will continue to push his buttons until he is pretty much forced to push her away like i did. I was also able to maker her smile during her rages in the beginning but then it got to a point where i was forced to kick her out of my house and distance myself from her which in turn triggered her abandonment fears and that is when she discarded and replaced me. I guess it is good to see she has not changed.

[Indifferent28]

Well, if what people on this board and other places say is true, without the right therapy and a few medications, she will never change.

In fact, mental health just generally declines rapidly with age.
I really did see my ex basically "develop" BPD, as she switched from a teen/young adult into adult hood.

So your exes mood will probably just worsen, and her abandonment fears will also get stronger as she realizes she is getting older, and she keeps pushing people away.

[Mutt]

I feel like that is something i should've been doing.

My advice is don't measure up your self worth on your ex or her r/s.

[fromheeltoheal]

My optimism, dreams, motivation all died when she came into my life and left so easily. At this point I just try to make it through the day going trough the motions. I think I also have some traits of BPD. I also feel emotions very deeply and when this all happened it was like i died and am just wondering this earth like a ghost.

The traits of borderline personality disorder exist on a continuum, and all of us exhibit some of the traits, some of the time, we're all human after all.  Feeling like you have some traits of a personality disorder at times like this, when you're grieving the loss of a significant relationship, is normal, just don't go too far with the self-diagnosis OK?

I can relate to where you are, been there, done that.  And did your optimism, dreams, and motivation really die, or are they just dormant right now?  Like you're in winter, looking forward to the rebirth of spring?  A cool thing about detaching, as we wake up to ourselves again, is did you ever notice we value something more when we lose it and then get it back?  As I detached simple things like going to the grocery store or taking my dogs for a walk all became things I fell in love with again, everything became brighter, more colorful and more vibrant.  That is something to look forward to, as you focus on the belief that nothing in you died, you just responded to a very stressful situation by shutting down a little, your body protecting itself, and waking back up is very awesome.

So if you were going to focus on your bright future for just a minute, name one thing that you're looking forward to, just one.

[pjstock42]

Just think about how you were once the person who made her prior "replaced" person feel the same way. pwBPD are incapable of being in a relationship without showing off to everyone how great things are but remember that the same cycle that you experienced will repeat itself. The current replacement will eventually become the replaced just as you did, there is no definitive amount of time for how long this will take so try not to compare the current situation to yours in that way. She is still the same person that you know, even if she is acting differently that is just her mirroring her new guy to make him believe that she's everything he could ever want which she probably did to you too. Their ability to become a completely new person and provide a partner with everything they want/need is temporary, in my case - I just have to remind myself that I'm lucky the mask slipped before I tried to marry her because I was absolutely going to do so and this would have happened eventually and been much worse than it already is.

[enlighten me]

My exgf was posting lovey dovey things on fb up to a couple of weeks before she dumped him. Never use fb as reality. For a pwBPD they can use it to fool the world alls good. Pull behaviour in public and push in privacy. It can be used as a weapon to hurt people. Very rarely is it whats really happening.

[SoMadSoSad]

My optimism, dreams, motivation all died when she came into my life and left so easily. At this point I just try to make it through the day going trough the motions. I think I also have some traits of BPD. I also feel emotions very deeply and when this all happened it was like i died and am just wondering this earth like a ghost.

So if you were going to focus on your bright future for just a minute, name one thing that you're looking forward to, just one.

Well before the discard I was working on starting my own business.

[fromheeltoheal]

So if you were going to focus on your bright future for just a minute, name one thing that you're looking forward to, just one.

Well before the discard I was working on starting my own business.

Nice!  Starting a business is a lot of work, and diving in could be an effective distraction for now, but as you work through your detachment, you could have the business started as you come out the other end, which you will.

So what can you do today that will begin starting that business?  It doesn't have to be huge, it just has to be something.

[SoMadSoSad]

So if you were going to focus on your bright future for just a minute, name one thing that you're looking forward to, just one.

Well before the discard I was working on starting my own business.

Nice!  Starting a business is a lot of work, and diving in could be an effective distraction for now, but as you work through your detachment, you could have the business started as you come out the other end, which you will.

So what can you do today that will begin starting that business?  It doesn't have to be huge, it just has to be something.

If I am able to keep focus I guess I can try getting back to educating myself on business management and programming. I just dont think the focus is there at this point in my detachment.

[Hopefulgirl]

SoMadSoSad,
The thing with the Facebook happened with me as well. What a terrible thing to witness. It almost sounds like she is doing that as some twisted "revenge" thing.  Like you, after I was replaced, I walked around like a ghost too. Every insecurity I had about myself since the age of 13 was stirred up and thrown at me, felt like I was replaced with a "better" person. Everyday I thought if I had just done this or said this it wouldn't have happened. I couldn't focus on anything. I could barely get through work. I let myself go emotionally physically every way possible. Thats what pwBpd do to us, that power they have over us, we internalize their immature thoughtless deeds.You say you're starting to feel like a person with BPD too? You are not being too sensitive, you're a human being.

Like a lot of people have said, things are put on Facebook are not reality all the time especially with people with borderline personality disorder. In my case the replacement ended up having the exact same thing happened to her as was done to me. And like me she was hurt, and then did everything humanly possible to make him happy again. And he still didn't commit to her. A pwBpd can never be truly fulfilled it seems.

That empty feeling will take time to go away and it will.
I know how unfair it feels that your ex is (supposedly) happy and you are just trying to get through the day.
Here is a quote I found the other day that I send to you.

" Promise me you will not spend so much time treading water and trying to keep your head above the waves, that you forget, truly forget... .how much you have always loved to swim."
-Taylor Knott Gregson

Take care.

[Indifferent28]

Hopefulgirl, that quote you just put by tyler knott was one of my exes favorite poets.

[fromheeltoheal]

If I am able to keep focus I guess I can try getting back to educating myself on business management and programming. I just dont think the focus is there at this point in my detachment.

Which was kind of my point.  Sometimes we need something to jolt us out of our current reality, and no question, grieving, processing and detaching takes time and emotional energy, and it's also helpful to keep a focus on that empowered future we're building, so intentionally focusing on doing something to move forward with business creation can both provide that jolt and become part of that future.

[Icanteven]

The first thing that strikes me is how thoughtless & unempathetic (at best! Downright hurtful at worst) it is to put something like that up there.

She moved on.  It's been 9 months that she's been with her new boyfriend.  She's living her life, and in this moment, she's posting how she feels about the person she's currently in love with.  What is she supposed to do, not post on Facebook about her boyfriend to spare her ex boyfriend's feelings?  

She is quite clearly delusional... .I highly doubt she is as happy as she is saying.

So, she's still in the honeymoon phase of her relationship (don't mean BPD necessarily, just the initial phase of falling in love), and she's clearly delusional because... .?  And you doubt she is as happy as she is saying because... .?

Facebook decided to remind me of a photo of us from three years ago this morning and my wife is every bit as happy as advertised by the photo and every bit in love with me as she professes.  Not delusional.  Not a facade. Maybe not permanent, but she's very genuinely happy.

It almost sounds like she is doing that as some twisted "revenge" thing.  

She's been with a the guy nine months!  Isn't it much more likely that after nine months she's not even thinking about the impact it would have on SoMadSoSad?

I realize everyone is trying to be helpful, but it's a situation where the woman has been with her boyfriend for approaching a year, and this community is putting it on HER for writing a sweet note on a sweet picture with her boyfriend?  Nearly a year later?

I'm not saying "get over it," but stay the hell away from her social media; no good can come of it, and if you think it's hard now wait till the inevitable day that she gets engaged, gets married, has children, etc.  THAT's gonna make playing kissy face look like a walk in the park.  And that's the truth, Ruth: She IS going to get engaged.  She IS going to get married.  And it ISN'T going to be to you.  Ever.  But, here's the good news:  you're not going to be the one doing most of the heavy lifting to make the relationship work.  You're not going to have to deal with her emotional lability and all the unnecessary bullsh*t it creates.  You're not the one whose heart she inevitably breaks by leaving you or cheating on you or taking her life or any number of other, awful outcomes, because you're not with her.  You get to be with someone who loves you as hard as you love her.  And she exists, all you have to do is find her.

We are an interesting lot on this website:  the vast majority of us hold out hope against hope that our SOs will get well and return to that wonderful person we fell in love with.  And, MAYBE, if our SOs are low-functioning enough that they seek out help they'll become stable and their BPD symptoms will remit.  BUT, that's only one outcome and the only ok - not happily - ever after in a sea of bad to awful outcomes.  Moreover, the remission of BPD symptoms also means the remission of that person we fell in love with.  So, even if they get well, we don't get them back.

SoMad, you wear your heart on your sleeve and you seem like you would move heaven and earth for the woman you love, and I respect the sh*t out of you for being so honest and vulnerable.  What happened to you is awful and because of the way you were discarded I don't think there's anything to feel anxiety about regarding your breakup nine months on.  Just know, there are women who will love you as hard as you love them as their true, authentic selves.  Bet that.

[SoMadSoSad]

Icanteven you are totally correct. I know she is happy and I know she will never be with me again. I should just be happy that she is happy and stop worrying about her. I will stop looking at her FB. I will leave her alone. The funny thing is being as hyper vigilant as I am, I am usually good at reading people. I would have never thought she could be this way. I dont think she creates facades or fakes happiness, I do think that she distorts reality to fit her emotions though. WHy do we hurt when or loved ones find happiness elsewhere, when thats what we want for them in the first place?

[once removed]

WHy do we hurt when or loved ones find happiness elsewhere, when thats what we want for them in the first place?

the nature of the attachment, and tying our outcome/success to theirs, usually.

[StayStrongNow]

Woe! Icanteven, wow, how do you really feel?

As I read your post I thought I wish you texted and I read your post about 2 years ago. But I didn't know about BPD and I was blindly in love trying to save a marriage and looking back acted like such a fool. I didn't want to have my three kids be from a broken family, I didn't want to give up my love and sexual addiction to her, I didn't want to be divorced, I didn't want to be blah blah blah.

Now she has found her replacement and wants him to move in and marry him. I feel sorry for the kids we aren't even divorced yet and after they tell me some smoochy guchy stuff going on I respond "I am so sorry you are going through this but daddy is not going to be beaten by mommy any more."  They have already seen the multiple arrest stories and mugshots on the Internet and they are D10, D8 and S6!

The ustbxBPDw wants me to waive cohabitation as my right to terminate spousal support. Lawyer #1 wanted a deal lawyer #2 thinks lawyer #1 is wrong and I surely don't want to pay for it.

Do I want my ex to get engaged and get married humm... .well YEAH!

For one no more alimony, for 2 the next time she slips up I will keep the kids and insure she has only supervised visits indefinately.

Now do I still love the little ex wifeypoo? No!

Right now I am working on LC avoiding JADE trying to finish a long hard fought divorce and multiple revisions to child custody that also additionally included defending myself from contempt filings. The more she pours it on the more I cannot stand the witch.

Right now I just want to get this legal stuff behind and go on with my life and my priorities are my three beautiful children and spending time with them. I am very concerned about their own possible abandonment issues. She did leave them at a park and was charged with child endangerment. So I want to love them and right now and up to now I see no signs of BPD in them.

Lastly I am not looking for a new person in my life. I just think if I am happy and active with my children someday some woman may find that attractive and perhaps we could make a go at it. And if she has children from a previous marriage then great, I would gladly raise them as my own. That's the future.

[enlighten me]

Staystrongnow. Your post resonates with me as I am mentally in a similar position. My boys with my uBPD ex wife live with me. I dont want her back. Im not desperate for another relationship and think if it happens it happens.

I did the whole relationship thing after my ex wife and ended up with another uBPD. My ex wife is obviously a lot more troubled mentally but my exgf was toxic. I was with her for two and a half years and the only reason I stayed that long was I felt I needed to be in a relationship.  Im now at peace with being single and enjoying being a full time parent without any drama.

off to cort today to finalise things over custody. She hasnt made herself look good to the courts and has come across at times as being crazy. I dont even need a lawyer as its so cut and dry now in my favour.

[hurting300]

My exgf was posting lovey dovey things on fb up to a couple of weeks before she dumped him. Never use fb as reality. For a pwBPD they can use it to fool the world alls good. Pull behaviour in public and push in privacy. It can be used as a weapon to hurt people. Very rarely is it whats really happening.

Enlighten me, that was PERFECTLY worded. You would never get to know my ex on Facebook. Everything is perfect on Facebook! Nothing ever goes wrong. I've read her Facebook all the way back to the beginning. FAKE.