Worst blow with BPD daughter

[satahal]

I haven't posted here in years but I'm desperate for some support and insights.

My daughter is high-functioning, diagnosed with BPD for many years. She's 33. She's got a graduate degree and has had a stable job she can handle for the last couple of years. She did dbt for years and is still on meds but not currently in therapy. I'm not sure if that's bc she doesn't feel she needs it, logistics (she lives in a foreign country) or money (although she knows I've got a standing offer to pay).

She's home for a month for the holidays. As usual, she got no gifts for me, her dad (we're divorced) or her younger sibling. She won't pick up after herself - not even to put a dish in the sink. (She's quite fastidious in her own home.) Basically, we shop and eat - I spend hundreds, if not more, buying her clothes and cosmetics, taking her for facials and nails etc. This is all pretty normal. I scarcely get a thanks. It bugs me but this is how it's been and I feel like it's the price for having a relationship with her.

On this visit she met up with person she'd connected with online. First she went away for the weekend, lying to me that she was visiting an old friend. She fessed up upon her return. Weird bc I do trust her judgement. She's always gotten romantically involved with incredibly decent people luckily. After she came back to my place, the guy came out here for a few days to spend time with her.

He was very unlike any of her other partners - unemployed, nice but not very helpful or sweet towards her and aspects of his story didn't add up. Most disturbing to me was that she was just tripping all over herself to flirt, entertain and wait on him, while he reciprocated very little. He didn't even offer to contribute to paying for food. She also drank alcohol when she's always been a tee-totaler. She was behaving ways I 've never seen her behave. It alarmed me honestly. She typically is the one being doted on in relationships and is usually fairly indifferent.

I probed her gently after he left and mentioned that I felt an off weird vibe from him that I couldn't put my finger on. We talked very briefly and I continually said I was probably projecting and that I didn't know him at all and that he seemed nice etc. Well, that bit of concern was enough to have her stop speaking to me and re-schedule her plane ticket so that she's leaving a week early.

I apologized several times, fully owning my opinions as unfounded and inappropriate, but she is full of white hot rage. As long as I don't try to speak to her she just ignores me but if I attempt to apologize she blows up. So I'm keeping quiet. This has been going on for two days now.

She has attempted suicide multiple times and engages in cutting. She's leaving in two days for her home 7000 miles away and I'm terrified. Obviously something deeper is going on but I can't help her if she won't speak to me. We have never had a blow up like this - ever.

I'm heartbroken, scared, and even angry at this point. I'm tired of being her ATM and punching bag. Even in "good" times there's always a sense of disdain and anger towards me. She blames me for her diagnosis. She's said that when we moved across country when she was 7 that triggered her illness. It's true her personality changed after that move. She doesn't accuse me of abuse, but I suppose if she believes I'm responsible for this diagnosis it's enough of a reason to hate me.

I think she also resents me because I'm her main support person and often her only friend - she isolates generally and has taken that to extremes due to her fears around Covid. I'm the one she talks to or texts nearly every day, helps her solve problems and is always there to fund any extra expenses. She has few friends and none in the country where she currently lives.

She's only here for two more days. I've been staying out of her way, not pushing her to talk, letting her have my car and hiding my emotions bc she absolutely can't tolerate me having any visible feelings. I want nothing more than to smooth this over so that I can keep in tabs on her - she's clearly in pain and I want to help.

I'd like to encourage her to get into therapy but I know it would read as invalidating if I did it right now. If something were to happen to her overseas, I'd probably not even know because she lives alone and has no friends there.

Any advice on what I might do?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Riv3rW0lf]

I don't know if this will be helpful, nor if this is what you want to hear... From my experience, sometimes the best thing we can do is to let go.

People wBPD can struggle, but it is also my understanding that they can also outgrow their mental illness and heal. But they cannot do that if we keep taking upon ourselves what has to be their choice.

I hear your concerns with your daughter, and I understand them. My own uBPDm does suicidal threats when she gets depressed. It is hard for me, as a daughter, so I don't dare imagine what it feels like for a parent. I have children now, they are young, but still, I get it.

In the end though, I think, even if we are the parent, we have to detach ourselves from their life, from their decision and we have to accept that it is their life. If she doesn't want your help, then you can't force her to take it. The only power you have is over yourself.

[satahal]

Thanks for your reply. I know that you're right. I was thinking this on and off the last few days - detach. It's her life and her path. She is my child though and the thought of her not being on the planet is the worst thing I can imagine.

I know I often do too much, let her be incredibly mean to me, etc. I can't imagine this is helping her and may in fact leave her with some guilt, although sometimes I get the impression being cruel to me amuses her. At any rate, she clearly feels I deserve it.

I know many folks with BPD outgrow it enough to no longer qualify. She's made strides and one therapist even suggested she may be out of the criteria or close to it, but the references to suicide are constant, even when she's doing well. At the slightest hint of stress she actively talks about killing herself or wishing she hadn't been born. For instance on the way here she was stranded overnight in Zurich sue to weather, and that triggered suicide talk. While here, she misplaced her vaccine card - cue suicide reference. It doesn't take much.

Maybe I need to stop trying so hard to keep her alive and work on acceptance.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Sometimes when I hear my uBPDm talks about commiting suicide, I feel like she does not even realize all the weight her sentences carry. For her, it's almost like business as usual. It's just something she says, and she gauges how I will respond.

If your daughter is in the middle of a crisis and she talks about suicide, then there isn't much more to do than to call 911. But if she mentions it during small talk and over the smallest thing, then it might serve another purpose.

But again, yes, detachment and acceptance.

Do you feel you deserve the way she treats you? You mention you think she thinks you deserve it, but how about you?

[satahal]

I definitely don't feel I deserve it. I know I'm not perfect but I've been a caring, attentive, supportive mom. I am always there to solve problems, lend an ear, give money - whatever she needs. She was hypersensitive from a young age. I was primed to deal it because both my sister and my dad had/have BPD.

I took a very gentle approach with her, lowered my expectations and she actually did very well - other than a suicide attempt at 16 when she went off her anxiety meds cold turkey without telling anyone. Nonetheless, she excelled in school, found two good friends and went to an Ivy League university. It involved lots of eggshell walking, lots of support, lots of talking her off the ledge. Entering the work force seemed to exacerbate her symptoms resulting in at least one other suicide attempt and likely another, but she's been very secretive about it. I know the doctors wanted her in-patient though.

She has terrible scars from cutting herself all over her legs. I suspect she still cuts but I don't ask as it would set her off.

Unfortunately she now lives in an Eastern European country. She's fluent in the language - I know not a word. And she has no friends there, as she just moved a year ago. In her previous country I knew some of her friends and could call people to check on her. So 911 isn't an option.

Her anger towards me seems to be related to the basic fact that I had her. She often tells me she wishes I hadn't. She feels convinced the cross country move was the definite trigger for BPD, although given the family history and her high sensitivity, even a young kid, I suspect it would've eventually been triggered by something else no matter what I did or didn't do.

I can't ask her too many questions - she's easily angered. She usually just says, "I don't want to talk about this" and that ends it. With the conversation about her new romantic interest she kept pressing me as to why I might not get a good feeling from him - I hazarded a few random ideas - nothing terrible and all couched in reminding her I was probably projecting and and that it was likely nothing. It was a short, unemotional exchange. She abruptly left the room and stopped talking to me. Then it went downhill.

She's never reacted this strongly - she was in a rage when I attempted to apologize the next day, just hissing at me that she didn't care if I was sorry and she was leaving and to get out of her room - it's hard to convey how upset she was. I feel like I'm making it sounds minor, but for her it was level 10 hysterics.

She's taking great pains to avoid any contact with me - she leaves when I'm out back feeding the animals, showers when I'm driving my son somewhere and stays out of the house or in her room otherwise. If I say good morning - she ignores me.

I always feel she's got a base level of anger and resentment - like I said related to bringing her into the world and maybe making her feel too guilty to leave it. Hence no xmas presents, even though she can well afford it. This is where I feel it crosses a line. It's one thing to act out when she's in crisis or triggered, but she purposely treats me poorly for absolutely no reason. That has been going on forever.

Still I buy her the plane tickets here, drop 1k on gifts and shopping, sometimes more if she wants some fancy facial procedure, cart her all over and give her priority use of my car. I guess this is making her feel more entitled to walk all over me.

It isn't fair and it isn't right but my understanding of BPD is that we do lower expectations and keep our emotional response to their crap behavior in check to avoid escalating them. I would have boundaries if she were using drugs or doing something dangerous but she's generally just rude, entitled and occasionally a bit mean.

Not talking to me for expressing normal motherly concern in a very gentle way isn't acceptable to me, but it also tells me she's in pain and going through something that I'm not aware of, so I feel like maybe now isn't the time to stick up for myself.

It's all so confusing and exhausting.

[Riv3rW0lf]

It helps to write it down though, right? Eases the mind a bit, keep you from going in circles.

I think you are on to something when you say maybe she is going through something you don't know about. If she moved just one year ago, and if she says your move across the country generated her BPD (true or not), maybe she got triggered by her own move. So many possible reasons... It might all have nothing to do with you.

I am sorry though. My first born is very sensitive, she was very high need from birth, and with my own mother being BPD, sometimes I am really scared I will trigger it somehow. So my heart goes to you, it is not an easy position to be in, seeing your daughter in pain like that.

But it's good that you don't feel guilty. I think it will help in letting go and trusting her. I have no idea how you can reach out to her. I still don't know how to reach out to my BPDm when she is in crisis mode...  But I wish you all the best, and I hope you successfully talk to her before she leaves, if only to tell her you love her.

[satahal]

Don't get me wrong, I feel plenty guilty but I also know with her level of sensitivity combined with our genetics the odds were in favor of BPD no matter what.

I'm not sure in hindsight if I could've helped her by pushing her a little more as a kid - not caving in so easy when she melted down - maybe she would've been more resilient. I avoided frustrating her at all costs and I'm certain I went too far. Then again she's a person who aced school, moved alone to another country at 17 for undergrad and competed without much stress at a top ivy league grad school. She's pretty tough and brave - but interpersonal stuff is another story entirely. And it's not even romantic relationships like we typically see with BPD folks. She doesn't have an intense fear of abandonment, doesn't have high drama in her romances. She just reacts super, super strongly to criticisms and everyday stressors. Hence having a really hard time in launching her career, which thankfully seems to be on solid ground.

We were having the best visit before this happen. I was thinking that she seemed happier and less high strung then I'd seen in her in many years and then this blow up? I suspect that maybe this new guy was the source of her good mood and I rained on her fantasy. He's pondering a move to Spain, which is the next move she's contemplating - and there I went pointing how he seems problematic. She's been very lonely and isolated and maybe this was giving her all kinds of hope that I ruined?

It's interesting that you connected the triggering childhood move with this move. Funny I never thought of that - she's moved from one end of the world to the other several times. You'd think given her history that wouldn't be a good idea - but she actually seems to thrive on it. In her prior country she was scary depressed before she left, but once she got where she is - she was much, much happier.

Thank so much for listening and responding. I really appreciate it. I just didn't see this coming and I don't know what to do with it. I know many folks on here go through this sort of thing regularly with their kids - I don't know how they survive it. I guess after a few go rounds you learn to cope.

Once she leaves for the airport I'll text her to say I love her that I'll always be here for her even if she never talks to me again. I won't do it while she's in the house because she may feel manipulated or annoyed.

[BFmess]

I relate to some much of what you have said Satahal.
I also seem to live with the "base layer of anger and resentment" projected at me for just giving birth to her. And I also feel like the ATM/ punching bag at times. I have an added annoyance of my kids always acknowledge my ex/their father for Christmas and birthdays, and avoiding-ignoring me EVERY YEAR. Purposefully? I am not sure anymore.

I found a video about validation on this site and it was eye opening.  I can see that my children have historically interpreted my responses as non validating regardless of my intent and I hope that I can work on this area of communication in 2022.

eg. If my adult daughter complains about her apartment neighbours, I would say something plausibly negative. But if a friend called and said their neighbours were doing something that was annoying them, I would have a different reaction all together.  I would just agree that neighbours can be rude and that my friend might have rude neighbours.

I remember once when my dd was in a treatment centre, this young social worker who probably didn't even have kids looked at me and said that the problem was that I had not let dd make her own decisions.  I think of that often, both the nativity of the social worker and the thread of truth in her statement. I didn't started out trying to make all the decisions for dd but then she started making really poor decisions and having even worse reactions to her decisions. So somewhere I became over watchful. Cautious where she was not cautious and fearful of her lack of caution. I have the same skeptical responses with every new relationship, I am not "happy" for them. I listen to her describe the person, how they met, and I immediately see red flags.  I wonder how long this relationship will last, if I will need to bring her home after it blows up and for how long. Or will it be worse, will there be police again, hospitalization again, court dates again. Every part of me wants to reduce the risk of that happening again (and again) because I have learned this lesson. 

Her decisions always involve me in some unintended way.  In the social worker story,  I had given a firm NO to was giving her $10,000 to buy a motorhome to live in with her dog. I had worded it wrong.  I hadn't said "I'm not giving you $10,000".  I said "You are not living in a motorhome with your dog. That is not a good discharge plan. and I had most definitely rolled my eyes."  I see the lack of validation in my response now.

Her last relationship landed her in the hospital, needing surgery. Because of Covid I could not talk to the doctor, and she only hears what she wants to hear.  So we thought it was a quick day surgery (that is what she wanted to believe) and she was in there for weeks and was not able to go home alone after it.  She was so unconsolable in there when it didn't go as she had imagined it, that despite the lockdown, the head of the department allowed me in for short while to sit with her and help her calm down.

I admire the people in here that implemented hard boundaries, but I also know that evidence shows social support helps sick people need to get better, so I haven't done that yet. I have wanted to but again, not easy. So HUGS. You love your daughter and hopefully the relationship can move to a healthier interaction.

[Couscous]

I admire the people in here that implemented hard boundaries, but I also know that evidence shows social support helps sick people need to get better, so I haven't done that yet.

I can see how this could be true when it’s the right kind of social support, i.e., if one is able to stay non-reactive and stay away from rescuing/overfunctioning/enabling. But some people demand to be rescued and have no interest in a relationship unless you are willing to play that role. Unfortunately, I have two BPD brothers that fall into that category. I have always been a surrogate mother to them so it wasn’t at all easy to detach, especially when my steps to do so resulted in one of them effectively severing ties with me, and the other to “ghost” me.

[satahal]

I suspect my daughter would have little interest in me if I wasn't rescuing her and treating her all the time. Although, she does maintain a relationship with her father - he does far less of this than I do but then she sees very, very little of him and finds him even more annoying than she finds me.