VLC with uBPDs has caused me to lose my niece, suggestions?

[newfreedom]

Dear fellow sufferers,  


I have been vlc with uBPDs for several months now.   The only contact is an occasional email about American Idol.    She is the “alpha sister” the one who took over the role of matriarch after mother’s death.     She is the “overseer” of all foo communication.

I have always had a special bond with my niece, her daughter who is 35 years old.

This daughter is enmeshed with her mother.     My sister doesn’t approve of her bf, so niece won’t marry him…..this niece lives in a different state from her mother but they talk by phone at least 5 times a day.     This niece adores my sister and her father.  

Anyway,  since my vlc with sis, all communication has stopped completely with my niece.    I emailed her a couple of times with no response.   As I said, this niece idolizes her mom and dad, sees no problem with them.    She has a good job, nice bf who she will probably never marry…..until after the death of her mom, after which time, she’ll be too old to conceive most likely…..and she does want kids.     Her life is really a lot like mine was at her age.     And she is as oblivious as I was.    I live very far from her,in a different country but nonetheless feel like I am losing her.    I am heartbroken  :'(  about this and the turn her life is taking.     Do I just stand by and wait for her to contact me?    She is not capable of having a relationship with me “outside” of her mom.    They are one person for all intents and purposes.    I want to be a responsible aunt and don’t know how or what that means in this situation.     My niece is a very young child in a 35 year old body, your suggestions are needed and welcomed,   nf    

[LionDreamer]

Hi newfreedom such a heartbreaking situation and this is why I believe grief is such a HUGE part of our healing.    We lose so very much in the face of BPD.   I do have a suggestion.   You can "show" her you are there is other little ways.   Be a strong, healthy and steady presence in her life.  But it needs to be unconditional in that she very well may not respond for a very long time, if ever.    But what I suggest is that you send her little gifts from time to time, make (or buy if making isn't your thing) a simple sachet and send it with a note - "I thought of you today and sending my love" or a little kitchen knickknack or any other little gifts that seem appropriate.  Hopefully she will accept and then when she uses or smells or even sees the gifts, she will be reminded of you on some level and know, also on some level, that she is deeply loved.

You have  a very loving heart new freedom.  Like the scarecrow in Wizard of Oz says, those are the ones that break,

LD

[newfreedom]

  But what I suggest is that you send her little gifts from time to time, make (or buy if making isn't your thing) a simple sachet and send it with a note - "I thought of you today and sending my love" or a little kitchen knickknack or any other little gifts that seem appropriate. 

Hi LD,

Thank you for the suggestions.    The gift sending is a nice idea.   I think you're right about it taking a long time for her to contact me.   It's so sad that she can't feel comfortable reaching out without her mother's approval.   The saddest thing is that the illness has taken over the next generation in my foo.   All of my nieces and nephews are totally enmeshed and are clueless.      nf

[newfreedom]

After I posted this thread, I had a dream that my niece died.   I haven't been able to shake the feeling of guilt that I have for being absent in her life.   The only way to do that is to have more contact with my sister.    This sister is the matriarch in the family as I described above.  I know I will feel a huge betrayal of myself if I go back to more contact with her, but I am also miserable and guilty this way.   I need help with this.   Anyone else in this position?    nf

[allergictodramaSD]

Hi, newfreedom--

That's a heartbreaking situation; I'm so sorry.  But it sounds like you're doing the right thing for you in terms of contact (or lack thereof) with your sister, and I have to wonder whether the approach you're pursuing now isn't the right one for establishing a new and better relationship with your niece as well, even if, as LionDreamer says, it may take a very long time -- even years -- for that to happen.  You mention that your LC with your sister is still fairly new -- a matter of a few months.  That means the situation is equally new for your niece, but, probably, a considerably less central part of her life than it is of yours.  Even if she's in contact with her mother multiple times a day, she presumably has a life of her own with which she's busy, and, if she's not making major changes in her relationship with her mother, she probably isn't thinking about the family dynamics nearly as much as you are.  In fact, if her mother is going on and on about your diminished contact, she might even be doing the healthy thing by trying not to get in the middle of what may seem to her like a passing dispute. 

I think it's worth trying the sort of regular, warm but not emotionally fraught, attempts at contact that others have suggested, and keeping at it for several years, before you assume that it isn't possible to establish contact, or a relationship, with your niece outside of your relationship with your sister.  Even if your niece doesn't show much awareness of it at the moment, you may well be serving as a model of emotionally healthy ways of dealing with your sister, and, if and when a crisis occurs (e.g. if and when the question of whether she should marry her boyfriend becomes urgent), she may well turn to you.  Even if not, you'll be un-enenmeshed, which is one step better than both of you being enmeshed.  And you do *not* want your sister to realize that contact with her daughter is a tool she can use to manipulate you; that way madness lies.  Changing your tactics at this point, I'm afraid, would send that message.