Single Adult Working on Boundaries with uBPD Mother

[Kitkat9]

Last time I posted was about a year ago when I was visiting my parents, and now I’m back visiting them again after about 10 months living several states away. 

One of the boundaries I decided on this week was that I will not do a road trip with my uBPD mom (I can handle driving around town with her but anything over a half hour is too much- she takes advantage of the fact that I can’t leave and complains a lot, is overall super negative, and tries to enlighten me about how I ought to live my life). 

Tonight I told her I didn’t plan to drive together with her up to our family cottage, and that we could overlap our time there but I didn’t plan to make it a trip together.  She flipped out and began a loong downward spiral about how I don’t value family, how she is worthless, how all of her friends have grown adult children living near them and communicating regularly with them, etc... sobbing the whole time. 

 I feel super guilty because the reality is I don’t really want to spend time with her, which she is picking up on.  I feel obligated.  But I also don’t want to just end the relationship.  My parents are still married and I value time with my dad.  My mom can have a few good moments, she is just overwhelmingly negative and controlling of me and my dad and my brother (lives several states away and rarely sees her.)

I find it especially challenging as an adult single to maneuver in my family- on the one hand I just want to flee, but on the other hand it’s the only family I have.  Anyone else have experience or wisdom to share?

[zachira]

I hear how you are feeling uncomfortable about how your BPD mother is responding to the new boundaries you have set with her. When we set boundaries with those with BPD, they often respond by acting worse than ever so the person setting the boundary will give in. Guilt tripping is a particularly toxic dynamic. You are wise to limit your time alone with your mother. In my experience, people with BPD act the worst when in the company of close family members and are better behaved when around others, particularly people they want to impress.