Ex's Marriage, Unhealthy, What's My Role?

[Turkish]

This is her affair partner,  whom she married about a year ago.  She left when the kids were D1 and S3. Introduced them to him within a day or two of moving out.  It caused problems within a month.  We got past that.  They got married last June and he moved in.  Within three months,  she cut her hair very short (I knew something was up because she changes her hair style to fit her moods). Last October she expressed regrets to me.  Early March,  she called me sobbing,  regretting leaving me,  which was quite a change from the year previous,  being so arrogant that she'd found  The One. 

I don't see them together much. As we started therapy with the kids,  I saw on the intake form that step dad is 24, two years younger than what she told me when we were still living together,  so he's 20 years younger than me.  She's almost 11 years younger than me.  We met when I was 36 and she was 26. She met him at a club when he was 21, it seems. 

I've observed her shaming him publicly twice.  I hardly see them together.  I wrote in my last thread here when the kids told me that she called him "stupid" when they were at the beach the weeks ago.  She certainly shamed me behind closed doors, but never that bad publicly.  Her little sister and the kids' cousin were there,  too.  I asked S6 how he felt when mommy said that,  and he replied that he didn't care. 

Last week S6 feel off the bed,  jumping.  He had a skull fracture and concussion (CT showed blood on the brain). He's on OK now. Last Friday,  he spent the night in the hospital.  SD was there to support.  I'm no longer angry at him.  Saturday,  my Ex's younger sister and the SIL came to visit.  My ex started slamming her husband (S6 was in the hospital bed,  but awake--- SD had left by then). I had viewed the dude as supportive,  though detached. A doctor came in and interrupted what my ex was saying.  They did start the day at 3:30am, arriving at emergency at 5. I got there about 6. SD was there,  but he was listless and detached.  I didn't fault him.  He was there. 

After another CAT scan which revealed no worse damage, our son was released Saturday morning.  Sunday was the kids' dance recital.  Though she'd bought tickets., he wasn't there.  I asked if he was coming,  and she checked her phone.  "I don't know.  He went to visit his mom.  He might come. " I left it at that,  wondering,  "you're married.  You left the homend after spending the night,  and your communication is such that you don't know if he's gong to show up for his step children's ballet/tap recital?"

At the end of the show,  as we were getting the kids,  he showed up.  I shook his hand.  When we left the auditorium,  he watched the kids for a few minutes.  There were two exits to opposite streets. I, Ex, kids, brother,  and SIL, ended up on one side,. SD was no where to be seen.  He'd left without saying goodbye.  I was probably the friendliest to him. 

Later,  S6 had an episode.  She took him to emergency, which was the right thing to do.  I asked if she was bringing D4. She said no.  I asked why she didn't leave her with SD. She said she didn't trust him and didn't want to talk about it. I let it go. 

Another CAT scan revealed nothing had changed so that was good.  No more bleeding. 

A buddy called last night he's 11 years older than me.  He never observed the shaming from my ex.  He was blown away when I told him about everything.  My ex openly shames  SD. Despite him being the home wrecker,  it's really on my ex. What pisses me off  (-I've finally gotten to it), is that she does it in front of the kids.  It's in my best interest for their relationship to last as long as possible.  What I see,  however,  is that she's no longer in love with him. 

The other night,  my son said,  "I'm going to get married.  And then I'm going to get married again, "  thinking that this all is normal.   

[seenr]

It sounds to me like this woman went for someone she was initially attracted to but has no substance. Shaming him is certainly wrong and more so in front of the kids, but it sounds to me like she can see that you have everything together and in her opinion the new man is anything but. Based on what you said, it seems like he is immature, unsure of things to do with the kids, whereas you are prepared, mature, assured.

My thoughts – no wonder she is having regrets.

Your role? – no idea with regard to her, but with the kids I think all you can do is be the voice of reason and a rock that they can see is solid and they can go to for re-assurance. As I’m learning in counselling all the time, one parent modelling good behaviour to the kids is so important.

[Turkish]

One parent modeling good behavior. ...

S6 told me this week,  "I'm going to get married,  and then I'm gong to get married again.":

My instinct is to talk to her about it,  and I've observed her starting to slam him to me,  and then she catches herself. 

For over a year I desired them breaking down,  but logically,  it's better for me and the kids that they stay together.  She listens to me when it comes to talking about the kids. I want to talk to her about what she models in front of the kids,  but that would be unhealthy triangulation.

I know that if I were a step dad I wouldn't put up with her limits.  She told me she didn't want to leave D4:with him because she doesn't trust him.  I hardly know him,  but I would. 

[seenr]

I've been a Step Dad & my ex had no trouble leaving her daughter with me. She would then tell me that she didn't trust me when it suited her agenda.

If your ex simply doesn't trust him, I would think she sees it as a sign of immaturity. I could be wrong. Do you think she thinks it was a mistake to break up with you now? As in all the things you are and offer are what he is not?

I know that if I were a step dad I wouldn't put up with her limits.  She told me she didn't want to leave D4:with him because she doesn't trust him.  I hardly know him,  but I would. 

[Turkish]

She does,  which is not uncommon as members further along told me.  

What bothers me most is they modeling unhealthy relationship dynamics.  I'm tempted to take her aside if I see it in front of the kids and talk to her (reinforce the daddy-daughter dynamic?  .  The next event will be her brother's wedding next month.  S6's accident was a one off. I typically only see them all together a few times a year.  

Two years ago,  my T observed that my ex still respects and listens to me,  but he warned me not to over do it.  I need to remind myself of this.  She shamed him at our son's birthday party,  again at our daughter's (though I only saw it as everyone else was distracted), and again this past weekend in front of our son,  but the doc interrupted (and SD had left so she was talking to her sis).

Mr. Fixit wants to do that,  but it would be healthier to deal with the kids on my own time.  She told me not long after I left to tell her if I observed her saying or doing something wrong with the kids.  This,  however,  is far more complicated.  The kids still view us as a unit,  even 2.5 years later.  It's hard to find a target to validate (and also to not manufacture one).

I fantasize about being done with this in 15 years,  but in the meantime,  I need to work on my own internal boundaries.  

[Circle]

I wouldn't say anything about it, to her. As you said, speaking to your kids, on your own time; that seems like a good idea to me. I'm sure you'd have a good method of bringing up the topic with your kids too. Sounds like you are in a decent spot with her. Like your therapist says 'don't push it'.

[Turkish]

She called me last night.  She wants me to watch the kids again on her weekend in two weeks,  taking the kids home Friday night after her brother's wedding which I am invited to.  It's another weekend and local overnight trip for her multi level marketing deal.  I asked if every meeting they had was necessary (the last one was in Vegas last week). She said that she's making some income from it.  Then she got what I was saying and that the kids came first.  Then she that she wanted to get the kids a house,  and that was her goal.  I didn't say anything about that. 

60 year old homes in not the best neighborhoods are $480k-$540k. Her salary at her day job is in the low $50k range.  Even with a 3.5% FHA (that's underwritten by the US government for non US readers), the math doesn't even come close to adding up.  Yet she's been telling the kids about the details of the home she's going to get,  which sounds in the $750k range.  I keep an eye on the market here. 

In don't say anything because it's futile,  despite me being triggered remembering all the promises my BPD mother made. The awesome rural farm ended up being living on 25 poison oak infested acres in the forest, living in an uninsulated barn shell with no electricity,  plumbing,  running water,  or even an outhouse.  Living in a cab over camper and briefly homeless followed.

While our kids will certainly have it much finer, I'm still triggered that she similarly tells the kids things she won't be able to deliver. Her income could double,  and she still wouldn't be able to deliver.  The math doesn't work out.

All I can do is validate S6 when he talks about the dream home his mother talks about.  The pathetic thing is that if she would have stayed and we could have been on the same page,  we could have moved up a little. 

[heartandwhole]

Hi Turkish,

This latest news about getting a new place would bother me, too. I can understand, given your FOO experience, how that is upsetting to hear. I think you are wise to let the subject lie for the moment.

I think it's ironic how, in many cases, being able to live in a nice home requires one to work more and travel more, thereby having less and less time to enjoy said wonderful home. Yes, it's an investment for the future, but life is also only always now. So I guess it goes back to the idea of balance, which is what most of us strive for.

What does "home" mean to you, Turkish? For me, it has always been where I feel connected to family/loved ones; also physically near nature, uncluttered, quiet. I bet you are modeling the concept of "home" very well to your littles ones. It's exciting to dream about new surroundings, but with time, I think many of us learn that home is a feeling or state of being that we take with us everywhere. Or maybe you don't agree? I'd love to hear your opinion, as this is a topic I think about a lot.

heartandwhole

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi Turkish-

I wonder if on some level you saw this coming?  We're well aware of the unstable nature of relationships with borderlines, and this guy's very young, which comes with its own instability.  Anyway, as has been stated, the very best thing you can do is set an example of stability, support and reliability for your kids, those things you can control, and they're young but kids know what's going on; the more the wheels come off your ex's situation, the more attractive you will become, safer, in their heads.

My ex has 6 kids, none of them mine, and has been married 3 times, none of them to me thank god, and the youngest child is 20, so I've gotten to see the progression through the decades, because yes, we recycled after 25 years.  And I'm happy to report that the kids are doing alright, for the most part.  Of course I can't see into psyches, and have witnessed her daughters both shaming their SO's, good training there mom, and one of the sons is in and out of jail, violent, drugs, but the other 5 are grown and navigating life pretty well; I really liked the youngest, really smart kid and kind, although I could see he'd have challenges untangling the influence of mom and his sister as he matured.  Point is, all of them have spent significant time with their fathers, some moving in with him when they were younger, to get away from mom, and it was that centering influence that was attractive; I don't know them but I do know mom, and it was obvious why they were looking for escapes.

My guess is your ex's husband is going to pop eventually, if he has some cojones and finds some healthy anger, and then what?  My experience is a single borderline is much more volatile than a coupled one, although my ex loves her kids and fortunately had a decent maternal instinct, so things didn't go completely off the rails.  And of course I wonder, if your ex is anything like mine and the relationship she's in has reached this point, that there may be someone she's going to see at these MLM gigs, followed by offloading the ensuing shame on the current guy.  Don't want to put things in your head that are just my hallucination, just wondering if you've devised a plan for whatever happens, being that centering force in your children's lives?

[myself]

Do you think it's another way for her to acknowledge that things aren't so great as-is? That there may even be something she herself can do about it? She's just taking the longer, perhaps not actually obtainable, and rather daydreaming kind of way, to try to get there?

[Herodias]

Do you think she is going to ask you for money for the house since it is "for the kids?" She must be seeing things are not working in her marriage... .thus the devaluation stage. Have you ever talked with him about BPD? Does he know this about her? It shows they cannot have a stable relationship... .I am sorry your son said that about marriage. Maybe you can just tell him that you hope that he will meet the right person the first time! Encourage him that one marriage is ideal.

[Turkish]

I have 14 more years of child support due to D4. My ex agreed to below guideline support if I threw  $100/each into their college funds  (I said I would stop as she could start her own with the money I sent her... .maybe she didn't trust herself or was lazy,  who knows? ), and she gave me another $100/mo break. In the email she sent while we negotiated (she had moved out by this time) she said something like,  "I don't want to screw you over,  but I also don't want you to think that you're taking care of me." My L commented that it was a remarkable mixture of humility and hubris.  OK,  I validated that,  and she was being kind,  no matter her narcissistic motivations.  Below guideline means that she could file for more support without cause.  I make over 10% more salary than when we did financial disclosures.  It's in my best interest to not piss her off. 

A friend who divorced a probable borderline (in comparison to my ex is positively sane) has recently said the same thing: "what's your plan if their marriage implodes?  You know she's young to turn back to you. " Not for a recycle (I would find that disgusting), but because she would want more time with the kids,  and even me,  perhaps,  for comfort.

Part of me feels towards her like a big brother (hers is so obviously BPD that she and the other siblings know he's untrustworthy and drama). Another part of me still is angry with her,  mostly because of our kids being hurt in the way in which she left.  I forgive her for cheating, but who advocates for the pups? I think I need to take things as they come in regards to the kids.  Resist the urge to fix things.  It's not my job. That's how I got myself into this mess in the first place. 

[Herodias]

" Resist the urge to fix things.  It's not my job. That's how I got myself into this mess in the first place"

Exactly... .Don't let worry, worry you... .they say worry is one of the biggest stressor these days. I come from a long line of worriers. I chose my ex in a time when he needed "fixing" and I paid for it. Now we need to learn that only they can do that for themselves. I know you are just thinking about the kids... .just deal with it when the time comes. Relax for now. You will know what to do.

[Turkish]

Maybe I should qualify that things are not always drama free between us.  11 text exchanges.  The kids are in counseling.

She asked me if I was going to be at the parents' appointment later this week.  I said this was the first I'd heard of it.

What do you mean,  you agreed with T?

Then I missed the details (she set it up).

It's a group for parents and children,  you will be there,  right?

What are the details,  it's not on his appointment list.

They should have emailed you the information. 

 I never got anything from them,  so when please? I'll be there if you share the details.

Let me look through me emails... .it will be in the same place he attends therapy.

If you know the time,  that is good enough,  I can just show up.

5PM.

THANK YOU,  I didn't say, rather,  "I'll be there,  thanks." Then, 

Great, I'll let you know as soon as I get more info. 

Maybe I triggered thus by my "this is the first I've heard of it comment.  Maybe better would have been,  "I never got the info by email,  can you share it with me so I can attend? "

By the pauses on her side,  I could guess that she was frustrated, so was i.   What I resisted saying was that the only reason our kids were in therapy was due to her and her family. 

[BorisAcusio]

This is her affair partner,  whom she married about a year ago.  She left when the kids were D1 and S3. Introduced them to him within a day or two of moving out.  It caused problems within a month.  We got past that.  They got married last June and he moved in.  Within three months,  she cut her hair very short (I knew something was up because she changes her hair style to fit her moods). Last October she expressed regrets to me.  Early March,  she called me sobbing,  regretting leaving me,  which was quite a change from the year previous,  being so arrogant that she'd found  The One.  

I don't see them together much. As we started therapy with the kids,  I saw on the intake form that step dad is 24, two years younger than what she told me when we were still living together,  so he's 20 years younger than me.  She's almost 11 years younger than me.  We met when I was 36 and she was 26. She met him at a club when he was 21, it seems.  

I've observed her shaming him publicly twice.  I hardly see them together.  

I can relate to your story, although from a different perspective as I was the "homewrecker" in the equation, 9 years younger than her, while her hubby was 8 years her senior. Two years into our relationship, she started to complain about our financial stability, and the lack of funds to acquire her dream home, or anything comparable to what they previously owned with her ex husband. In retrospective, I think that was one of main reasons reasons behind our dissolution as a couple, and from the information you provided, it seems that the same scenario could be at play with your ex and their marriage.

The shaming might indicate that behind closed doors, she might openly comparing him to you, indirectly saying that he needs to do better. I would expect some serious instability to come as the fantasy is inevitably falling apart (as it always does because it is unrealistic).

[BorisAcusio]

Hi Turkish-

I wonder if on some level you saw this coming?  We're well aware of the unstable nature of relationships with borderlines, and this guy's very young, which comes with its own instability.

It would be an euphemish to say as he was barely of legal age when they met.

[Leonis]

The shaming might indicate that behind closed doors, she might openly comparing him to you, indirectly saying that he needs to do better. I would expect some serious instability to come as the fantasy is inevitably falling apart (as it always does because it is unrealistic).

I've read so many examples of where the pwBPD shaming a SO that's much younger than they are here. Wonder if they picked those young'uns for control reasons.

[Herodias]

To control, to feed their ego... .but women are reaching out to younger men because the older men are doing the same. It opens up the pool of men a little bit. When there are not allot of choices out there, you just go with what works when you have to have love and aren't thinking straight. As someone who chose a man 17 years younger, I can say this! We didn't really feel the age difference. I can honestly say that. But when he wanted reasons to put me down and break us up-that's when it came up. My ex had women of all ages... .he didn't care. He is with someone younger and I totally think it is because of control. He couldn't control me the way he wanted to and he didn't like it at all.

[Icanteven]

Maybe I triggered thus by my "this is the first I've heard of it comment.  Maybe better would have been,  "I never got the info by email,  can you share it with me so I can attend? " By the pauses on her side,  I could guess that she was frustrated, so was i.   

If you figure it out let me know.  My wife can't be apart from her phone but she'll throw in long periods - sometimes days - of ST in the middle of these types of conversations, on top of an inability to answer straight-forward questions.

Not retaliating, bending over backwards to help, and being unfailingly polite when the shoe is on the other foot does nothing to move the needle.  Remember, we're the bad object, and we will be treated accordingly.

[fromheeltoheal]

I've read so many examples of where the pwBPD shaming a SO that's much younger than they are here. Wonder if they picked those young'uns for control reasons.

My ex had a slew of boy toys 20 years younger than her, and younger than a couple of her sons, and apart from the physical attraction it became clear to me, when we were together and she'd talk about them, that they were attractive to her partly because she was closer to them in emotional age; she used to relate to and quote her eldest son as if we was the source of all knowledge and the beacon of maturity, since he was far more mature than she was, yet 16 years younger.  So she and I were not only not on the same page, we weren't even in the same book; it was fun for a minute, and the answer to why I thought it was more has been an amazing adventure... .

[BorisAcusio]

I've read so many examples of where the pwBPD shaming a SO that's much younger than they are here. Wonder if they picked those young'uns for control reasons.

A young male would pose less threat in many ways, for the same reason some pwBPD would conciously choose less attractive partners, but the main reason I think is the level of emotional maturity. According to Bowen, we mate with our emotional equals.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=279626.msg12644321#msg12644321

[HurtinNW]

I'd suggest keeping your focus on your kids, not the ex. Definitely to be a positive role model for them. You can demonstrate your values without badmouthing their mom.

It does sound like your ex has some positives in her court... .she takes the kids to counseling and the doctor when needed, and sounds at least somewhat functional. That's good news, even if it of course comes with all the frustrating drama.

Her marriage really isn't your business, outside of how your kids are doing, and while you might find it tempting to empathize with her husband I'd tread carefully. You could find yourself pulled into triangulation. He's an adult and he's going to have to deal with your ex however he chooses. The prognosis for their marriage doesn't look good so I'd think ahead to outcomes if they divorce. Honestly, when you notice her shaming him, or coming in separately, I'd politely ignore it. Making overtures of kindness to him will be noticed by her, and could lead into inappropriate communication with him. If you find yourself the friendliest person in the room with him, that's something the ex will notice, and may turn out badly. You aren't the right person to be his friend. I'd take a step back from that and focus your attention on the kids. Let what is happening with him go. It's sad for him but you can't change her.

Sending big hugs.   

[myself]

Being overly attentive/concerned to not triggering her can be detrimental to not only your growth but hers. Yes it's good for the kids in many ways to have better balance between you and your ex wife, but can also send messages/show examples of walking on eggshells instead of just being yourself. She sounds kind of frantic and insistent about you being at the parents appointment. It's nice of you to go, but, what if you couldn't? Or even chose not to? Since she was the one who broke up the marriage, and then married the other guy, isn't much of this--- including therapy for your children--- up to her (and her new husband, who is now their step-'parent' to take care of? You obviously love your kids and are putting in time and effort in ways that many fathers (and mothers) don't. She needs to clean up her own messes, though, doesn't she? If she doesn't know how to, she can learn how to, on her own, without you picking up so much of the extra slack. The more you're 'there for her', the more she's likely going to lean on you for that, especially when things aren't going so well for her at her 'new and improved' home. "Rescue me (and the kids!) from the triangle I've created." Infinity. Etc.

[jhkbuzz]

I wouldn't say anything about it, to her. As you said, speaking to your kids, on your own time; that seems like a good idea to me. I'm sure you'd have a good method of bringing up the topic with your kids too. Sounds like you are in a decent spot with her. Like your therapist says 'don't push it'.

I agree. It may take you time to think about how you want to approach it with the kids, but that's all I would do if I were you.

I don't see anything good coming out of a conversation with your ex about how she treats her current husband. It could go south in one helluva hurry - and it would be a pretty odd triangulation (even though you're thinking about how her treatment of him impacts the kids' development).

[1989]

Turkish,

I have followed your story the whole time.  I knew she would do this.  Absolutely knew she would.  And when she expressed that she wished she had known then... .that said it all.  My guess is she is probably done with him and in a matter of time it wil be over.  She's blaming him for your son's injury, for their small apartment, for her having to travel for work, etc.  The marriage was supposed to magically transform her life and it didn't.  She's disillusioned and disappointed.  That leads to anger and disgust.

Once the lust that's fueled by the idealization/fantasy has ended there's very little left and the attachment evaporates.  But you, you are more than that.  You were her father figure and that probably looks really good to her right now, and she longs for your advice and participation because that makes her feel safe.  she's probably even fantasizing about you rushing in to "save" her and make it all better.  She has no idea that that thought actually "disgusts" you now.

Only you can decide what role you want to play in her liffe. 

As far as the kids, tell them your hopes and dreams for their life. When your sons says those things,you can explain that you hope he only has one wife and can spend every day with his kids.  You can offset the chaos that she introduces into their lives by your example.
You're a great dad, and you can do so much for them just by being that dad.

[Turkish]

Turkish,

I have followed your story the whole time.  I knew she would do this.  Absolutely knew she would.  And when she expressed that she wished she had known then... .that said it all.  My guess is she is probably done with him and in a matter of time it wil be over.  She's blaming him for your son's injury, for their small apartment, for her having to travel for work, etc.  The marriage was supposed to magically transform her life and it didn't.  She's disillusioned and disappointed.  That leads to anger and disgust.

If I were a lesser man,  I'd quote back to her her words,  "I need someone to lead me and guide me. " The unspoken sentiment was that I failed.  Now I know he was 2 years younger.  A 31 year old professional woman with a 1 year old and a 3 year old fleeing to a college kid to guide her.  The stress of she having to be the parent once marriage started triggered her. 

Bowen aside,  she tried to bring me down to her emotional level from the beginning,  which resulted in conflict from the beginning,. She had a good 1.5 years of "teen" romance,  but the chickens came home to roost within months of her marriage and cohabitation, so now she's kind of in my position in a way,  expecting him to be someone he is not.  You all are right,  it's none of my business. 

The therapy thing we do have to kind of do together,  though I'm ambivalent because the doctors aren't getting the whole picture... .that some of the kids' behaviors are due to the split (maybe they do get that,  but they don't know that she introduced them to her now Have the first week she moved out), in addition to her family. 

I found a paper today which said that the parents' group is at 530pm tomorrow,  not 5 like she said.  I got a text alert from our HMO not long afterwards.  I texted her it was at 530, not 5. Then she said she could only stay 45 mins due to another appointment,  and asked me to forward me the info (because she didn't believe me?). Simple,  unlike pulling teeth from her last night.  No sarcasm or editorializing in my part;  I know better. 

Over a month ago,  she commented that she needed to reset her password on her log in to our HMO, so she relies on me to communicate with the doctors for the kids.  2.5 years since she left,  and I'm the one who always sends the messages,  and though I usually tell her what's up,  I always sign them with my name.  I know she trusts me,  and it's in my best interest not to change that,  but it's frustrating.  Maybe I shouldn't complain since this is the dynamic I have chosen for now. 

[Leonis]

A 31 year old professional woman with a 1 year old and a 3 year old fleeing to a college kid to guide her. 

You know, I almost feel whoever they apparently "relate" to reflects their emotional maturity. My ex, along with her sisters, seem to relate to grade school children much better than peers their age. In fact, all of the sisters, except for my ex, are involved in primary education and prefer hanging out with kids.

It makes you wonder about all the cases where your 20-something year old female teachers having scandals with minors.

[jhkbuzz]

It makes you wonder about all the cases where your 20-something year old female teachers having scandals with minors.

I think about this every time I see it in the news!

[fromheeltoheal]

A 31 year old professional woman with a 1 year old and a 3 year old fleeing to a college kid to guide her. 

You know, I almost feel whoever they apparently "relate" to reflects their emotional maturity. My ex, along with her sisters, seem to relate to grade school children much better than peers their age. In fact, all of the sisters, except for my ex, are involved in primary education and prefer hanging out with kids.

It makes you wonder about all the cases where your 20-something year old female teachers having scandals with minors.

And from another angle, I watched my ex's 17 year old daughter pass my ex in maturity and become the dominant parental figure in their relationship, as my ex glanced sideways at her 15 year old son, who was not far behind.  Imagine a teenage girl running the show combined with the instability of a borderline and an incestuous dynamic between son and daughter; Jerry Springer would drool over the potential for ratings.

Sad though, for both my ex and the fantasy relationship in my head, which died a certain death when reality began looking absolutely nothing like it.  I couldn't have run faster if my ass was on fire... .

[Turkish]

We did the Parenting class today.  It was good to connect with others.  It's a 6 week series,  facilitated by a T.

It drove me nuts to sit next to her while she nodded and wrote stuff down when the T facilitator made good points.  The newbies introduced ourselves.  I said I was there to help work on his anger issues,  and boundaries with his sister.  She spoke next and said her concern was his socialization.  She said the same thing during the ten minute intro intake with another T just before the class.  I asked her (nicely) to clarify what she meant to the T. I think she's projecting.  Projective  Identification?  I don't see anything wrong with his interaction with other kids.  He has some ASD-ish traits,  and he hyper-focuses on details. So he'll make a good engineer, possibly! He's one of about ten kids in summer robotics camp cohort who will play with robotic Legos.  The rest in his age group don't get it.   Through preschool, pre-K, Sunday school the whole time,  we've never received a complaint.  Only in kindergarten this year,  but it was a lot due to a troubled group of 3 kids,  the leader being moved to another class.  The teacher always put on his report cards that he was a sweet boy. 

She had to leave about 45 mins before the class ended.  I couldn't help but feel like she was abandoning me to therapy like she did three times in our r/s, and as my mom did 31 years ago.