nothing about having secrets or being in danger nothing was appealing to me - nothing.
We are the same in this notion. Personally, there was no thrill of the forbidden, no joy in the deceit, the lies (sins of omission), or the betrayal itself. Our affair was, perhaps, born of my repression or maybe some sort of real attraction. I knew when I saw Dream Come True I needed to speak with her -I was inexplicably drawn to her. When she first saw me, apparently, she felt the same way -love at first sight. She told me everyone around me looked dark and I was the only light in the room. It was lovely to hear -frankly put intoxicating.
In my attempt to recover from my affair and resuscitate my marriage I have been reading about the Lacanian notion of ':)as Ding' (the thing), sublimation (putting sexual energy into other pursuits) and ex nihilio (something out of nothing). Lacan believed Das Ding is an object which is lacking from one's psyche -we seek to fill this void with another human being, artistic pursuit, religion etc. E.g. my sublimating sexual energy into the creative pursuit of my work. Work had been my ':)as Ding' (thing).
Ex nihilio, creating Das Ding from nothing to fill a void in one's psyche, perhaps explains the fantasy I had created around my imagined future with Dream Come True. It feels like I am on the right track in explaining to myself how and why I was swept away -why I had thrown common sense and 20 years of marriage to the wind. Dream Come True seemed to have represented everything which had been lacking in my life --a living breathing representation of my work. Freedom through work and a partner to share this with.
... .justification - and it seemed life was nearly over anyway with no clear paths back to my former life.
Sure. This is an explanation not a justification. I consider my affair beyond justification, but there are mitigating circumstances which must be addressed as my wife and I move forward in our relationship. My actions, my affair, were born within the context of a badly flawed marriage. Unfortunately I had slipped, over 20 years, into a malaise and had no idea the amount of repressed animosity I held for my marriage.
When I fell in love with Dream Come True I didn't give a second thought to ending my relationship with my wife. It felt like I was fighting for my life. In the light of day I am now beginning to understand where I had been emotionally in my marriage and why I chose to break from my old life and run to a new one. My wife and I had laid fertile ground for an affair without realizing it. Once again explanation, not justification.
We were experiencing our marriage from two very different perspectives. She considered me 'the perfect husband' and all the while I was dying inside. We had terrible habits and didn't know how to communicate.
As you can tell from my posts... .I do like to talk. My wife and I are beginning to learn how to communicate more effectively, however, my wife maintains I am essentially inarticulate and do not communicate well... . Super... . It was my field of study and communication plays heavily in my work. We have a lot of heavy lifting ahead of us. Ironically Dream Come True and I rarely had misunderstandings and we were speaking in Mandarin! ugh... .
You may also notice I have issues with the term "affair partner"
I will add this to the list of things
not to say when conversing with Pearl
My SO triggered the "off" part so many times, I lost track of the off and on button, what it is like being on a normal monogamous relationship path. I am still confused as heck over it. It caused a level of psychological damage to me I can't even describe.
This was what ultimately lead to my leaving Dream Come True. For her breaking up seems to have been either a tool to either get her own way or blow off steam when raging. In my opinion breaking up is the nuclear option and must not be used. It is the 'I hate you, don't leave me' push pull we read about so often here on BPD Family. When I 'called her bluff' and ended our relationship after her last break up she claimed she didn't mean it. --but, as I had said before, her break up with me caused me to have a painful epiphany foreseeing a barren and painful future. A future which could have lead to my ruination.
My "relationship" has the lifespan of a week or so. Not much more than that. All the way back to absolute zero. Oh, and then he shows up and it's automatically back "on" again because he showed up for it... ... ..I don't know how to do a relationship that ends every week. No one should have to suffer like this, neither of us.
If there is any hope for your marriage, in my opinion, it would necessitate your husband learning breaking up is not a communication tool. Not a acceptable bid for power in the relationship. Not an acceptable way to show his inner turmoil. He would have to learn another coping mechanism for his pain. If he is anything like Dream Come True - in the moment of a break up he means it when he says it, but then regrets it deeply. In her this causes a shame cycle. Rage then shame. The shame could cause her to act out terribly, sometimes self mutilation, sometimes ghosting, sometimes visual and auditory hallucinations. However in the moment when she was raging she meant every word she said,
there was no room for compassion or reason. Tragic irony! --rage is part of the fight / flight response. It is born from fear. When she was raging she was terrified. Once again... .explanation not justification. If she had only been able to say 'I am really scared' I would have moved heaven and earth for her, but instead she pushed me away. She lacks the ability to self sooth and is thus unable to step out of her rage cycle to have the presence of mind to face her fear -it is, for her, blinding and all consuming.
Can you imagine if instead of breaking up with you you husband said 'I am really scared'? I have a feeling you would do anything for him.
I think it is likely I will have to end things once and for all if I can ever hope to have any peace of mind and anything near a normal life again just from this one aspect of things.
You clearly still love parts of your husband and, in my opinion, still have some thinking to do. Would it be worth laying everything on the line and telling him what you need out of the relationship in so many words? Perhaps even in writing. If nothing else then you will know you have done everything you could have done. For me there is value in leaving nothing unsaid. You have far more experience with BPD than I and will have a far better idea if there is any validity to my suggestion.
In our final days I beseeched Dream Come True to stop being so angry so we could talk things through -this brought out 'We have nothing more to talk about' -our end and undoing. In my desperate attempt to help her out of her raging I suppose I pushed her to the brink. The best laid schemes of mice and men... .
Thanks for your reinforcement not to contact my friend for these reasons as well.
There is a time and a place for everything. If you were to have the voice of a past lover in your ear it would likely be confusing and a death knell for your marriage.
I still miss Dream Come True and think of her daily. There are a lot of things I wish I could tell her -but I will not allow myself to contact her. It would likely only do her harm. Truth be told it would also very likely be damaging for me.
Welcome back -I hope at least some of our vacation was joyful.
Wicker Man
