Competition - a common theme with pwBPD?

[Depression = 72% of members]

My BPDex seemed to be obsessed with competing with me. He was jealous of many things, and even said at some point, in a kind of complaining manner, that he was envious of all the fun things I did in my life.  I've recently come to the realization that a lot of what has been really hurtful post BPDex was that he has a "competition" approach towards me.  It's like he's jealous and competing. I think this is normal with people even who don't have BPD but perhaps more exaggerated with those who do have it? Does anyone have insight into this? I admit, that I got caught up in it at some point when he did something really hurtful and I reciprocated with a bunch of social media updates... .and I could tell it was pretty powerful because many people around me kept mentioning how great things were going for me... .because they had seen my social media updates... .none of it was a lie, I was having a fabulous time. But still, I don't really want to brag about having a fabulous time. It makes me feel bad about myself because I know that not everyone is having a fabulous time and I don't really want to use my social media to rub things in other people's faces. Some poeple are poor, some people are depressed, many are struggling. Why do I want to tell all these people: look at ME I'm better than YOUUUU and having an awesome time. I don't like braggarts on social media and therefore don't want to be one of them, no matter what kind of life I live. It doesn't bring any kind of connection whatsoever. So after that I stopped, because it's not a game I want to play. I stopped following him on social media... .except he upped the ante and started following me on other social media accounts... .like he wanted more of it. Or maybe just wanted reassurance that we were connected... .I honestly can't tell. Still, competition and jealousy has been a theme that has run through the relationship, during and post breakup.  I don't want to compete with him and I'm trying not to.  But it's hard for me to catch it... .I think I was actually subconsciously playing the game until recently - where his having replaced me meant he was winning.  I've come to re-evaluate that, for the most part, because I've gone through tremedous personal growth which I probably couldn't have experienced had I jumped back into a relationship with someone. It was something I needed and am so happy to have stuck to, despite how difficult it all was (but there again... .I'm still competing... .thinking I one-upped my ex by going the personal growth route as opposed to the find a replacement route). Why do I need to think I'm better than him?

Why do we play this game? Why do pwBPD play it even harder? To the point where he is blind to many many things... .I told him once how devastated I was by our breakup and the next day there he was posting all about his new relationship/friends/life. He couldn't stop the competition even when I came waving a white flag, in fact the white flag made him go at it even harder... .It hurt and baffled me. Anyone have insight about this?

[hotncold]

My BPDex seemed to be obsessed with competing with me. He was jealous of many things, and even said at some point, in a kind of complaining manner, that he was envious of all the fun things I did in my life.  I've recently come to the realization that a lot of what has been really hurtful post BPDex was that he has a "competition" approach towards me.  It's like he's jealous and competing. I think this is normal with people even who don't have BPD but perhaps more exaggerated with those who do have it? Does anyone have insight into this? I admit, that I got caught up in it at some point when he did something really hurtful and I reciprocated with a bunch of social media updates... .and I could tell it was pretty powerful because many people around me kept mentioning how great things were going for me... .because they had seen my social media updates... .none of it was a lie, I was having a fabulous time. But still, I don't really want to brag about having a fabulous time. It makes me feel bad about myself because I know that not everyone is having a fabulous time and I don't really want to use my social media to rub things in other people's faces. Some poeple are poor, some people are depressed, many are struggling. Why do I want to tell all these people: look at ME I'm better than YOUUUU and having an awesome time. I don't like braggarts on social media and therefore don't want to be one of them, no matter what kind of life I live. It doesn't bring any kind of connection whatsoever. So after that I stopped, because it's not a game I want to play. I stopped following him on social media... .except he upped the ante and started following me on other social media accounts... .like he wanted more of it. Or maybe just wanted reassurance that we were connected... .I honestly can't tell. Still, competition and jealousy has been a theme that has run through the relationship, during and post breakup.  I don't want to compete with him and I'm trying not to.  But it's hard for me to catch it... .I think I was actually subconsciously playing the game until recently - where his having replaced me meant he was winning.  I've come to re-evaluate that, for the most part, because I've gone through tremedous personal growth which I probably couldn't have experienced had I jumped back into a relationship with someone. It was something I needed and am so happy to have stuck to, despite how difficult it all was (but there again... .I'm still competing... .thinking I one-upped my ex by going the personal growth route as opposed to the find a replacement route). Why do I need to think I'm better than him?

Why do we play this game? Why do pwBPD play it even harder? To the point where he is blind to many many things... .I told him once how devastated I was by our breakup and the next day there he was posting all about his new relationship/friends/life. He couldn't stop the competition even when I came waving a white flag, in fact the white flag made him go at it even harder... .It hurt and baffled me. Anyone have insight about this?

[Julia S]

Well, firstly it is natural for a healthy relationship to raise any self-doubts or lack of confidence you may have. So when a pwBPD is involved this is likely to be more so. I am competing in a semi-pro interest with BPD friend, but before we became close I was planning to focus on it more anyway, and before I realised his condition I was hoping he'd help me with it. So we're competing in a sad way instead of working together. We're both focusing on our major interest that is our escapism.
In the case of the pwBPD, they generally have very low self-worth. So they will perceive you as having more of/being better at things they wished they could do.

After we became close, I felt upset by my friend's social media posts because they seemed much more selfish and bragging than before. That in itself wasn't a nice side of him, and also made me feel inadequate. But actually, with some things it looks like he was thinking the same about me. So maybe what I was seeing was him competing with me. We were friends before and I'm sure there was a difference and it wasn't just me being sensitive. Also, he told me after he split up with his ex several years ago, he made a conscious decision to concentrate on himself and do all the things he liked. So I wonder if he took that approach again to cope with the fact he couldn't cope with the emotional turbulence at the thought of another relationship.

I do think a lot of it is defence on their part. I don't know to what extent it's intended to hurt, or whether we're just collateral damage.

[lovenature]

They have such core shame and hate for themselves that they can't ever be the "lesser" person, they will take every opportunity, realistic or not, to be superior to their intimate partner/friend.
They need constant validation from others, and will only validate their partner if it suits their current emotion.

[JerryRG]

I used to wonder about this too.

She just had to be better than me, if she couldn't prove it, she would say hurtful things to me. I remember thinking how rediculous trying to be in a relationship with someone like her. I didn't understand why she was so mean and cruel.

She's sick

[nylonsquid]

I'll make it simple. YES. Last two relationships I had were with pwBPD and they were SUPER competitive. Exgf#1 couldn't even bike normally because if someone went by her she would feel slighted and would have to bike faster then him  Because of this inferiority thing they have they are amazing at many things. Exgf#1 was an amazing athlete, took care of her image and her home and was a talented painter without even being an artist.

Exgf#2 is an incredibly talented musician, took care of her image and our home is always in impeccable shape! They have amazing design sense. To be honest, so far these two along with another pwBPD that I know are EXACTLY the same.

Do you want to know why? Because when someone projects its because of a defense mechanism to push something out. This something is painful to look at and admit to. It is some kind of trauma or characteristics that become somewhat of a personality that they refuse to accept. This Carl Jung called the Shadow self. It is that part of the self that one refuses to see and hides in the shadows. Though it still shows up like a liar. A liar can hide the truth but it still manifests physically, whether in body language or stuttering etc. So this shadow self hides so deep inside and from a long time ago that this trauma/person is forgotten in the forefront of the mind. But as we know, wherever we go there is our shadow. So because they deny this shadow self it tries to peek its head and show itself and for them to hide it they make sure everything looks and acts perfectly. Because that shadow creeps up and shows its face every now and then... If their image like make up isn't great or the furniture isn't organized properly or something is off, that is their own projection of themselves. They try to keep everything so prestine so that no blemish can show up to show them that painful part of themselves. They hide from it by building lies and self deception to run away from the painful truth.

A creepy horror story if you ask me.

[nylonsquid]

Come to think of it, a BPD is a witch. They cast a spell on us by being quite well at mirroring us and giving us the supply of happiness for some time early on when they see how they can captivate us then they turn it around. There's a theme of mirror here. Someone casting a spell but all you have to do is to turn the mirror on them. That's how you defeat a witch :D

I'm sorry I don't mean it to offend anyone but I'm comparing them to the archetype of the witch. Rather interesting isn't it?

Their power is the power of deception just like how they lie. Turn the spell around and they're in pain. They can't look at their true selves that hides so they constantly have to deceive themselves by deceiving you.

Something about them is magical isn't it? Their spell, that's how we fell for them :D

[Walkabout73]

with my UexBPD GF it was the way, that she over and over again imputed to me, that I´m looking down to her because of my higher professional position, that I´m thinking, my work is of a higher value than hers, that I devaluate, what she is professional doing... .It was more that way, that she complained a lot about her work, and when I came back to that issue, when I wanted just to chat with her about it, than she began to attack me because she experienced it, as if I wanted to say my job is better than hers... .       

[hotncold]

I do think a lot of it is defence on their part. I don't know to what extent it's intended to hurt, or whether we're just collateral damage.

I think this is a good point. For them it may not be about competing, but simply trying to be on equal footing with us.  Maybe it's their attempt to meet us where we are at - I guess it's true if you idealize someone, and put them on a pedestal you are immediately alienating yourself from them by placing them above you. To bring yourself closer you have to try and step onto your own pedestal, or knock them off their pedestal. This makes sense. I always find it easier to see people with BPD as little chidlren.  Perhaps competition is a distorted way of getting closer to us but unfortunately competing with a romantic partner only has the effect of hurt and alienation.