I've been in NC with my wife (possible BP/NP) for about 75 days now. We are separated since she had me move out, moved herself so I lost the apartment, then ended the relationship. The thing I did that caused her to end the relationship was a cry for help from our MC who she did not want want me to talk with anymore (this was shortly after a long conversation we had where I finally stood up for myself in a positive way, validation, reflective listening, expression disagreement with her accusations, etc... .).
She ended the relationship abruptly and I haven't spoken with her since.
Since then I had to change my phone number and block her on social media (because she was still trying to initiate a discussion with me 2-5 times a day for about three weeks). Though I have left my email open for communication which she has used multiple times, I have maintained "radio silence".
Since then I've been trying to focus on myself and my own issues. I see a therapist regularly and I am trying to figure out what to do. I feel like she didn't really want to break-up with me, but whether she was punishing me or trying to hurt me, she did end the relationship and she has shown no remorse for that.
The last message that I received from her was just a few days before Xmas. She started by projecting her ideas of divorce on me, i.e. "I guess you want a divorce... ." Then she says she will be filing after the holidays "... .unless you have something to say." Again she offered no remorse for ending the relationship.
I finally found SWOE, this site, etc... .something still didn't feel right. I finally found some information on emotional abuse and I am beginning to see why I am so afraid of her. After spending the last few years thinking all the problems in the relationship are my fault and only my fault, I may be beginning to see a little more clearly, and it is making me very sad and very angry. The following is a list of some of the ways that I feel I was hurt emotionally by her during our relationship. Keep in mind that I still love her very much and I still have not resigned the relationship to defeat, but I am struggling with these issues:
She regularly demeaned or disregarded my opinions, ideas, suggestions, and needs.
(She would always look at my opinions and ideas through a fine-toothed comb. I felt like bringing up a need or a want would always be followed with close scrutiny and I never had the right answers for her. Eventually I stopped having opinions.)
She would try to control me and treat me like a child.
(She would come up with ridiculous standards for me and get frustrated when I failed to live up to her expectations.)
She would correct or chastise me for my behavior.
She would belittle and trivialize me.
She would try to make me feel as though she was always right, and I was wrong.
(Though she would often say "this isn't about right or wrong", but then everything I would say would be wrong... ."
She would regularly point out my flaws, mistakes, or shortcomings.
(This was the worst by far. She would work me down (arguing, fighting, nagging, etc... .) until I felt pinned in a corner or in a chair, crying with my head in my hands, she would begin to recite all the things wrong with me, angrily and with strong disapproval in her tone. I would just clam up, unable to respond and this just seemed to make her angry. The only way out was for me to capitulate to her in every way.)
She would accuse or blame me for things I knew weren't true.
(This happened more towards the end of the relationship)
She would not apologize for her actions, she would deny them when I tried to point them out.
She would repeatedly cross my boundaries.
(She also didn't like when I tried to create boundaries.)
She would often blame me for her problems or her unhappiness.
(I would respond to this behavior by admitting to things that I hadn't done. I would invent problems in myself (real or imagined) and confess them to her in tears hoping that she would understand. She wouldn't. Instead she was usually offended that something else was wrong with me (splitting).)
She was emotionally distant most of the time.
(She claimed she was working on being more emotionally present with me, but she didn't seem to think this was a big deal. Whenever I broke down and cried she would get frustrated with me.)
She would not show me empathy or compassion.
(My tears would always make her angrier.)
She would play the victim and constantly redirect blame to me and would not take personal responsibility.
(She would always blame me for the "cycle" we were in. She still thinks I need to change and has not taken responsibility for any hurt she has caused me.)
She would invalidate or deny their emotionally abusive behavior when confronted.
(I witnessed this once when I attempted to talk to her about the lack of empathy and compassion, and a second time when our MC tried to pry at this. She became defensive and very angry both times.)
I borrowed most of these from the following article:
www.liveboldandbloom.com/11/relationships/signs-of-emotional-abuseThe main reason I'm posting this is because I have been minimizing, denying, and hiding the abuse for a long time. I'm very afraid to talk to friends and family about the it. I'm afraid they will think I am making it up or exaggerating the truth. Posting this here is me saying, "I am not willing to stand for this behavior towards me any longer."
Secondly, I have some questions because I am angry and confused by the advice given for non-BP's here and I'm having difficulty understanding abuse from the perspective of a BP vs any other "normal" abuser.
Probably the most frustrating thing to read is ":)on't take things personally." How? She hurt me. Continually. Then blamed me for it. I'm a wreck from this bs and it seems like this is asking me to just ignore it. How can I believe that she didn't do this maliciously when it felt so much like it? How can i start healing if she continues to blame etc... .and never takes responsibility? How can that even be a relationship?
Along the same lines, I see things like "Work on yourself." I don't even know what this means. Five years ago I remember talking about how silly smoking pot was. I remember specifically saying to a group of friends that I could not imagine ever smoking pot again. And here I've been smoking regularly for the past 8 months or so, using it as a way to cope with the constant belittling, demeaning, and disrespect.
I don't even have any friends to talk with about this, let alone, the friends referenced above. I'm still blaming myself for being alone. I don't want to believe that she brought me to isolation, though all the literature seems to imply that it was her self-fulfilling prophecies that seemed to provoke my isolationist tendencies. I'm probably more codependent than I want to admit and I can't seem to bring myself to open up to others about anything, let alone the abuse. Most of my "friends" believe I need to change for her.
Anyway, I'm trying to decide if I want the relationship, but I can't get past the pain and I'm depressed, sad, angry, and frustrated at the whole situation. I am afraid to talk to her. I love her, but I can't think of anything good to say about her in regards to how she treated me (I know there were good things but I can't think of what they were). I don't want a divorce, but I am afraid of being vulnerable with her also.
I'm confused, angry and frustrated and just need a place to vent.
