I can not compete with the ups and downs

[Wayno]

HI,

I am new here, I am speechless, to say from what I am reading is a copy paste from my life of the last 3 years. Im 47 in two weeks and need to make the new year about me, I can not compete with the ups and downs, with the text book details of events from others posting, I thought it was my own daily events with her.

[Grey Kitty]

I am new here, I am speechless, to say from what I am reading is a copy paste from my life of the last 3 years.

  Welcome, Wayno, you've found a place where people can indeed understand what you've been through, and that is amazing. I too remember finding my way here a while ago and thinking "WOW, it isn't just me!"

Can you share a bit more about your relationship? Are you still in it, or are you trying to leave, or has your partner left, or threatened to?

[formflier]

I'm glad you found us.  The New Year is a great time for new starts.  Can you give us an example of what "making it about you" would be like?

FF

[Larmoyant]

Hi Wayno, it really is comforting to know that we're not alone and others share similar experiences. I've found it really helpful to read about others stories and write about my own. It's helping me find a way out of a nightmare. I'd encourage you to do the same and I'd like to join Grey Kitty and formflier in welcoming you to BPD family 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Wayne, Welcome!  Join the club!  Many of us have been in your shoes, including me, so you are not alone.  It's interesting how similar our stories turn out.  It helps, actually, to find out that one's situation is not unique when it comes to a r/s with a person suffering from BPD.

LuckyJim

[Wayno]

The relationship is once again over, we have had several separations over the year mostly lasting a few days to less than two week, I moved out just after thanksgiving weekend. Push pull, fear of abandonment, looking in my cellphone, wallet, several calls daily at work, text, email, what am I doing, who am I talking too, and most recently, she searched out former relationships via email and facebook, searching for what I now think was information to justify why does this guy love me and my girls, (6 and 9 years), there must be something wrong with him, extreme jealously, lack of trust, the split second ups and downs, to get out, go away, the girls miss you, how can I do this to them, if I loved them I would have not left, the its my way or nothing, talking to office co manager's about daily functions is viewed by her as flirting, to speak with female employee's is show them attention, ending in arguments and accusations of me cheating, most recently, the trigger for the recent separation was her contacting ex via facebook to ask questions about issues in that relationship, then the following day she sent a message stating, that we were involved while I was still residing with the ex. This was her lowest and most disruptive actin to date, the ex responded as I would consider worthy of a Hollywood script, (sarcasm), how we were still see each other, I was always there after my weekend job, Sundays, had a key to house, I would sleep over, basically living a second life, all the while living with her and the girls. During our post separation discussions she admitted to falling into the game, but placed the blame on me, ( I am not a saint, I have lost my willingness and have forgot her special needs at times, the tank is never full) never cheated, no drugs, no booze, work 5 days a week for the state and 1 day a week for feds.  A little back story is needed, she is wonderful person when not on what I call a run, say 90% with 10% run time, however that 10% is the worst, I have recently been able to notice a trigger, from a noise, statement, memory which results in a delayed response, change in facial expression. We have seen 3 counselors from different levels of licensure, all report significant trauma form her  child hood at age 7 to 15, at the hands of her dad for what he did and her mother for what she did not do. Then events in her young adult life though our recent events. I could list more, however, I am finding it difficult too as just now I am comparing this to critical incidents I experienced while in my law enforcement career. The sudden onset of emotion, reaction and defense is leaving me drained and exhausted. What a mess.  

[formflier]

Just to clarify

It appears that your recent ex (pwBPD) contacted a longer ago ex and lied by saying that while you were with the long ago ex that you were with the more recent ex (pwBPD). 

Do I have this correct?



Then... .your long ago ex, likely realizing that this is BS, but also likely wanting to pour gas on the situation, told your pwBPD that you guys were essentially still involved (which you are not).  Basically telling the pwBPD that their suspicions are correct regarding you and other women.

Do I have this correct?

What a doozy... .


So... .when you look at the future, what would you like to have happen with your r/s (shorthand for relationship) if you could write the script?

FF

[Wayno]

Yes, you are correct. I still am fully committed to her, we were engaged until recently, when we are without episode, I have no complaints and we are very happy 90% of the time. I think my issues are I understand this is not her own doing but she is compelled by her lacking the control during the out bursts, to reason, read the facts as they without twisting them to justify her actions/behavior. Maybe I make allowance's for her behavior, then she sees this as I will be around until the next.  In response to your question what would I write, try to erase her years of pain, get her to see how wonderful of a person she is, her worth as a mom, partner, person is priceless.  Try to get her back into therapy. Now those are my wants, not sure she is willing or wants to face those issues. 

[formflier]

OK... .good post.  I think I understand where your head is.  You want to make this work the best it can. 

I'm in the same camp as you.

  try to erase her years of pain, get her to see how wonderful of a person she is, her worth as a mom, partner, person is priceless.  

These are wonderful things to want her to think and believe about herself.  Makes perfect sense to people like us.  However, this is not about us.  pwBPD tend to have a rather unique view of the world.  They are incredibly sensitive to people criticizing this view, or trying to convince them that they are "wrong" in the way they view the world.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

Spend some time on the above lesson... .

If you can stop invalidating her... .it will be much easier in your r/s.  Exactly how much it will "fix" remains to be seen.  Invalidation is the equivalent of pouring gas on an ember... .

So, since you are committed to her.  Can you be fully committed to yourself, and to make yourself the best partner that you can be?  Can you be committed to working on yourself... .and let her work on herself?

I'm glad you are here.  Glad you are committed.  Your partner is very lucky to have you in her life.

FF

[Wayno]

I have been blocked for the last week weeks, she communicated via text regarding me doing a reset remotely to her ipad, that is on my account, I decided to not respond, however, I took the stance of responding by telling her I have no remote access and sorry that she was having issues with her ipad, telling her how I understand how frustrating they can be.  Then no contact after that, it was pleasant.  That was a few days ago, this morning I get a text from landscaper, indicating today is the day for service and payment, she has not contacted him for new direction or to assume the responsibility for payment.  I am conflicted, do I contact him and settle for this month, not his fault and should not loose business because she will not take responsibility, I have been out of the house since nov 27.  I do not want to enable her by taking the responsibility for her action or lack of, however, I do not want to burn the landscapers.
questions is;
contact and make arrangements if she does not pay or no contact.

[formflier]

I vote to let landscaper know that you don't live there anymore... .and make sure he has her contact information.

The issue seems to be between the person living in the house and the service provider working on this house.  Physically you are removed from the situation... .so... .let the physical facts match your actions.

Landscapers and these types of things will work themselves out.  I recommend minimizing energy spent on smaller issues and maximizing energy spent on getting strategy right, establishing healthy boundaries, and creating a life for you that works.

Make sense?  Thoughts?

FF

[Wayno]

good advise as that what I did, just explained that I moved out last month and he should follow up with her.

[Wayno]

a little update,
we have traded 3 pleasant emails, she even ventured over to my office space (we work in the same office, different suites) to drop some homemade cookies with a jingle bell with my name embossed on it. I thanked for the thoughtfulness and she responded to my thank you's with welcomes, she was even very apologetic for not answering her desk phone when I tried to reach her and others when I got stuck in the elevator for 10 minutes. and now back to NC.  Im  sure she is on the road headed to her families for the weekend, as that was our intended plan prior to all this.  Sounds like more of the ups and downs or more accurately the push-n-pull.
In my short time here, I have come to the conclusion, I was ill prepared in my skill set to respond in a positive away, more validating than just a matter of facts. I know she has been though major emotional, physical, mental challenges, as I have said in prior post, I could copy paste from others post into mine. From my readings here, I understand several of us have the same feelings toward the other person with traits of BPD, we know the loving caring person that is them. I see my love for the true person she is as the glue that holds me in place, add in my hope that she feels and sees her actions are destructive to her, me, us and impacts the girls in a huge way.   I have read so many terms posted here that I have used over the last few years, tank never full, never good enough, she's always looking for something, I could tell her several times a day how much I love her and want to be in no other place, 90% of the time it is just wonderful, the other 10%, at flash point, as the therapist stated if we are that high when its good how far do you thinks she falls during that 10%, never really thought of it in that manner. Very rapid decay when those thoughts appear. I'm beginning to see my compassion multiply for her, to understand what it must be to live in the world of being a prisoner in your own thoughts of reliving her childhood being robbed from her to more recent events, is truly painful for me to know she is suffering and cannot escape it. As you all know it is not always bad there are more great times then bad, my question, does the good times not help with mitigating the lows and the high levels/fierce levels of the lows.

[Wayno]

Today we have had communication as I have dropped off christmas presents, the thank you, you should not have, i will pass the to the girls and let them know they are from you.  She unblocked me for text and email. She even responded specifically to the presents i got for her, she liked the boots and cash i gave her.  I asked her if we could talk as i wanted to share some positive messages, she responded no nothing we need to talk about, leave it as that.I took the oppertunity to validate her feelings and say I am sorry she feels angery. She later then said she can not acccept the presents after opening them as it will confuse the girls. I responded with no reason to return them as they were purchased for Christmas and were from a thoughtful place. After a few hours she sent me a text saying, I don't want to hurt you but we can't keep the gifts. I will give them back. I again said sorry for her feeling that way, but there is no reason to retun, I did not want them back, she has left them under her desk at work so maybe tomorrow she will try to return or more of the push pull.  Not sure of the correct response, i have set the boundaries and should just stick to it with no responses to her.
I see a new therapist Thursday who specializes in mental heath and PD,my plan is to get me back on track, plan of action, come to terms with separation, loss of family,

[formflier]

Wayno,

Hopefully you can find a mental health person that can do some "role play" with you so you can practice validation.

I do that often with my T.  Very helpful to have her stop and rewind to help so where and how I get "hooked" into arguments or dysfunctional communications.

Keep focusing on validation.  Remember, less is more... .especially when things are weird.

Validation:  Be wary of "naming" an emotion "angry" unless they have done so first.  Getting it wrong can make things 10 times worse.

Less is more:  Don't mention gifts anymore.  If she mentions it, listen.  If she gives them back... .take them.  Less talking is better. 

Saying you are sorry she feels that way can be confusing.  You are not responsible for her feelings... .so no reason to apologize or say sorry.

Much more powerful to offer to listen to her feelings.  Even to reflect back what she said "So... .you found the gifts upsetting... .do I have this right?"

Practice will help you get better at this... .very hard to memorize just a few lines.

Memorizing lines will help you "detach with dignity" from conversations... .especially after your brain has been scrambled.

FF

[Wayno]

Yes, I think that would be something I could improve on when communicating with her. However, after all her discussion yesterday how keeping the gifts would confuse the girls and she could not keep them, she now sent me a text thanking me for them, then states to not contact her again unless its work related. its time to move on, no hard feelings, wish you the best. I am extremely exhausted mentally, physically. She is slipping farther and farther, I need to limit this.

[Grey Kitty]

Suggestion for you regarding the gifts:

You gave them to her. They are hers now, to do with however she chooses--she doesn't have to keep them if she doesn't want to.

But you aren't going to take them back.

This reflects clear boundaries, which probably aren't in either of your histories so much. Gifts shouldn't come with strings attached. Perhaps she is expecting it/feeling it even if that isn't your intention.

[Wayno]

Not sure what you mean, You are correct, I did not give them to her with strings attached, my intent is as I said earlier in my post they were purchased like any other Christmas gift, with love and thoughtfulness. Hell if she wanted to donate them and the money then its her choice. My point is that she was lashing out to be hurtful, she had no intention of giving them back. Prior to reading and learning here, I would have responded differently, I have falling for the baiting before, again reading here and applying what has worked for others with traits of BPD, has changed my game plan, I see myself not getting all worked up or responding when she exhibits traits. I cant defend myself or principle as she sees them and facts differently. Example, when she would accuse me of cheating, I would defend my self to the end, provide my 6 day work week, wake up next to her, on phone with her, texting her, reassuring her, homework with girls, feed bath, tv time, sleep next to her and do it all over again the next day. all that and I am still cheating. You mention boundaries, they are there, this is the first every I have experienced what I am learning is a true mental illness. Yes those boundaries were overstepped by her and myself, never had my phone examined before every, easier to have let her go though it, I asked her why and what she going to get out of it, she responded she did not know but just could not control herself. Bottom line I have never encountered behaviors as this, sad to say my prior methods were not successful. Only recently has this site provided a huge amount of insight.